The See-Saw of Love..

[Lenny70]

So, this is my take on the end of a relationship, i'm going to call it the see-saw effect . You see, when the relationship is going well, the two of you are sitting on either end of the see-saw, the weight of the relationship is evenly distributed and the see-saw is even, but as the relationship starts to develop problems and begins to go South, so does the see-saw.. with the Dumper sitting on that end, and as the dumpers emotions, feelings, attraction, happiness hits rock bottom they stop the game and dont want to play anymore. The dumpee on the other hand is up in the air, emotions running high, scared, desperate and will do anything to cling on!!

But, in my experience with at least 3 months +, time (and gravity ) will slowly begin to make the See-saw even again, the dumper will have moved on, started forget the bad times, or regret their decison to split.. and the dumpee will begin to heal, let go to some extent or also start to move on, i will call this the tipping point. I think that this is the best time for one or the other to reach out. Of course now you dont know what is happening at the other end of the see-saw so you must BEWARE, you MUST make sure that your end is even! There is 3 things that can happen at the tipping point!

1. That either one reaches out and if the see-saw is level, then a successful reconcilliation maybe possible.

2. The Dumpee moves on, this attracts the dumper and the roles are reversed, with the dumper up in the air.

3. Or the see-saw breaks in the middle and this particular game is over for good.

 

Now in my particular scenario, my ex girlfriend split up with me 3 months ago, yep i was up in the air pleading, begging and trying to cling on, but at this point there is absolutley no chance of getting back together what so ever. The see-saw is just too uneven. But 6 weeks ago i went completley NC, i had 1 accidental contact in the 2 weeks before that.. so nearly 8 weeks of NC. I only wished i had started straight away, i believe the quicker that you start the no contact, the quicker your side of the see-saw will return to even! So, in my case its taken 3 months for that to happen, now dont get me wrong.. i still think of her for 40 seconds out of every 60 but, i have pulled the great shards of glass from my heart and let the healing hands of time work their magic, i have taken some of the love that i was giving to her when i was up at the peak and given it back to myself. I have given up smoking ( 6 weeks), given up drinking ( 6 weeks), given up gambling (3 months ) I was smoking 30 a day after she split with me, i was never a big drinker but i drank enough wine to make me a little lethargic during the day! but the gambling was a problem during the relationship, it was causing me stress which at the time i couldnt really see, and she never liked it, she told me many times.. i heard but never listened! I started Yoga classes (5 times a week for the last 6 weeks) hit the gym (got my 6 pack back) and started to meditate and practice mindfulness ( helped find my inner calm and peace).

So, now my end of the see-saw is even, and so last week i called her!! 8 weeks ago she wouldnt answer my calls, she told me to leave her alone, she told me she doesnt want to speak to me, she was super cold, super distant. Our relationship was a LDR so, i turned on skype on my mobile phone and she was online, i rang and she answered straight away... although i couldnt hear her so the call dropped off, i walked a couple of hundred metres and tried again, she answered again...i still couldnt hear her but she could hear me so i said "im sorry, i cant hear you..i will call another time!" 10 minutes later she instant messaged me... a few messages went back and forth and then i decided to phone her.

The phone call was good, she was no longer cold, in fact she was warm and happy, she certainly seemed happy to hear from me, i lead the conversation and kept it light, i made her laugh a few times..pulled her leg a little, and after 10 mins i cut the conversation short and told her i had to go back to work. Now, i have no idea how this will develop but i do know that i am firmly in control of my side of the see-saw, it definitely will not be going back up to where i was.. the momentum is with me!! She hasnt been online too much in the last 3 months, but since i made the call she has been online almost constantly.. maybe she wants me to chase, maybe its just a coincidence!

What i am trying to say is, the quicker that you cut contact, the more you work on yourself, the quicker your emotional balance and confidence will return, the quicker you will become the old..or the new you, the quicker you will be in a position to accept or attempt a reconcilliation or even move on.

This week i wll call her again, im going to tell her that i have a Christmas present for her son, that it would cost me the same money to post it as it would to buy a flight ticket (were in Europe, its fairly cheap) and if she would like to go out for dinner i can give it to her. If she says no, then no problem, i will post it and then book a flight to India ( i have 12 weeks off work)

Or, maybe i wont call, just post it and go to India anyway!

I would like to thank everybody for posting their great advice on this forum, people who have no idea how much they have helped me after reading many many threads here, i have devoured much advice..some of which i have swallowed, some of which i spat out!! I would also like to wish everybody much luck, love and happiness..and most importantly good health!!

I wonder how this game of see-saw will turn out?

[loveis]

WOW...loved your post. My relationship was a see saw too. When I was strong he got jealous n insecure. Would you mind looking at my posts n giving me feedback on my situation. I know he has been online everyday kinda there if I want to talk to him. But I think it's more to ease his guilt..

On your side....Please dont get your hopes up...believe n desire yes. I think hit India n then perhaps make contact. It could be a late xmas pressie. But sometimes the dumper just wants to not have a feeling of guilt or karma over the breakup you know.... Which in all fairness if we truly love someone we wouldn't want them to feel bad or guilty right..... but I do right now....my pride I guess.

Love to hear from you.

I nearly broke nc this morn but this site is helping me so so much.

Thank you all,

Love,

Lo

[seanryder]

Great post and very true. There's a book that's worth reading for literally anyone involved in a relationship called "The Passion Trap" by Dean C. Delis PhD. It covers all the dynamics of relationships and pretty much explains why what happened you happened and what you can do to alter/change things.

 

Highly recommended for anyone on this forum.

[Lenny70]

Thanks for the positive feedback folks i will try and pick that book up today Seanryder! Lo, i tried to pm you but it doesnt appear that i can send u a pm!

[loveis]

lenny I'm not sure how to fix my settings.....

carolanlorraine@yahoo.co.uk