Fela Kuti Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hello, She broke up with me 3 months ago. There was no big problem, only a case of decreased interest because I was clingy (she didn't say this but I just know). She said she wanted to remain friends. I said that it would take time and I'd rather we not talk for some time. So I NC'd her. I couldn't help it but I checked her social media updates from time to time. I could tell that she'd been missing me, even a month after our breakup. Then I reinitiated contact, thinking maybe there's a chance she might reconsider her decision. Also because I missed her. So here we are, 3 weeks later and we've been having great convos on text/IM every 2 days or so, with some light flirting from both sides. I also notice good signs like she wouldn't sign off the messenger before I do, reviving dying convos, etc. One thing that I need to know is if she does this because she only craves for attention/enjoys the time with me before someone comes along, or actually because she still has feelings for me. But there's also warning signs like it's me who initiates contact more often. But she's kind of a proud girl after all. I don't know how to act right now. If she's leading me on, then I'm sure as hell won't continue contacting her. But if she still wants me, I don't want her to think that it's me who has moved on and leading her on by contacting (maybe this is why she rarely contacts me first?).Do you thibk it's ok if I ask her, "what's your assumption of me? Do you think I've moved on and contact you just as a friend, or do you think I still have feelings for you?" then I'll take it from there. Or something like "are we setting up for another heartbreak?" Thanks a lot. Link to comment
Captain Obvious Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Over-thinking. Could be either. Dont ask silly questions, ask her if shes interested in getting back with you. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 Over-thinking. Could be either. Dont ask silly questions, ask her if shes interested in getting back with you. I just don't want her to have the upper hand. Probably that's just the proud side of me, but still.. Link to comment
Melting Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Honestly, the only way to truly find out is to ask her and hope to god she is being honest with you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Ugh, don't ask her that. Just message her every once in a while, and see if she wants to meet up so you guys can hang out. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 Ugh, don't ask her that. Just message her every once in a while, and see if she wants to meet up so you guys can hang out. Isn't that contradictory with your post here: ? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Isn't that contradictory with your post here: ? Not at all. It's called "backleading." You message a little, talk and get comfortable with each other, and ask her to hang out. During the hang out you can ask if she's interested in reconciling. If so, then she'll take the lead from there but you "back lead" her to it. What I don't suggest is sending that confusing message you wanted to send asking what her assumption is of you. That's indirect and perplexing to ask if she thinks you have feelings for her. That's not your bottom line. If you are going to ask relationship-y questions, you have to be more direct. If you backlead her with that question and she says she's not interested, then yes you have enough information to move on. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 Not at all. It's called "backleading." You message a little, talk and get comfortable with each other, and ask her to hang out. During the hang out you can ask if she's interested in reconciling. If so, then she'll take the lead from there but you "back lead" her to it. What I don't suggest is sending that confusing message you wanted to send asking what her assumption is of you. That's indirect and perplexing to ask if she thinks you have feelings for her. That's not your bottom line. If you are going to ask relationship-y questions, you have to be more direct. If you backlead her with that question and she says she's not interested, then yes you have enough information to move on. That sounds like a good idea. Could you please tell me the exact words that I should say? Thanks. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Why don't you post what you think you should say. You know her best. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 OK, so yesterday I asked her. The bottom line: "I just want to make sure whether you're just being friendly or you want something more. I don't want to think we might have one more chance when the reality is your decision still stands." She answered, "My decision still stands. I'm sorry if I made you think that way but really, I think of us as friends and that's how I interact with other friends too (either she's lying or she's really flirty -OP). I said, "But of course we're different. We have a history and I'm the dumpee. You should've known better." She said, "Okay, you know what, if that's the case then I'll interact with you differently." What do you think? Classic argument of a woman who led someone on, or was it just me being over the top? Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Classic egocentric double-cake action denial. GO 100% NC, don't talk to her and don't explain. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 thanks, but what does double-cake action mean? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 That is a very very clear message to move on. Link to comment
super mario Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Fela Kuti, same thing happened to me recently. Reconnected with ex, received what seemed like signals that she wanted to get back together, she very clearly refuted that assumption, but when I asked why she was treating me that way she had, her response was something like - "fine, I guess treating you like anything else as more than a friend isn't working, so I'll just go back to that". What? She claimed weren't anything more than friends! I moved on. EgoJoe, I'm also interested in what you meant by this. Can you elaborate on what 'classic egocentric double-cake action denial' means? Classic egocentric double-cake action denial. Link to comment
Fela Kuti Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 That is a very very clear message to move on. Of course, miss I've already removed her from Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Yahoo, and Last.fm. Haha. Never thought I'd do that. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 It means that she's not thinking about things from anybody else's perspective. She wants what she wants (or thinks she wants) and doesn't care about others. I'm having a rough day and I am not inclined to go into great detail. Suffice it to say that young girls are retarded. Link to comment
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