My husband destroyed me

[Copgirl]

I have been married for a little over 2 years but have been with my husband for 9 years. While dating this man was perfect! He treated me like gold. He made me feel beautiful and I knew he only had eyes for me, the way he looked at me just made my heart melt. The sex while dating was amazing, he was so affectionate and caring and very eager to please. We were head over heals in love and that lasted the whole 9 years. Fast forward to our marriage - I had 2 children from a previous long term relationship and my husband did not have any children so we knew we would have a child early in our relationship. I got pregnant months after our marriage and as the months went by my husband became distant and his actions towards me began to change. I feared it was due to my gaining weight which I tried to keep under control but 3 pregnancies and being in my 30's didn't help. My husband began to reject my sexual advances which I has never happened to me ever (not braging just stating) this was a huge hit to my ego. When we did have sex there was never any foreplay or fondeling for me even though I did all I could to please him. My husband also stopped looking at me or complimenting me and would never buy me gifts on special occasions. The day after I had our daughter was mothers day and he told me I didn't deserve a gift because I argued with him 3 days earlier, my heart broke. I have tried numerous things to make him love me and I have not changed any of the things I do for him but none of it worked. On my birthday he planned nothing, I was qweezy all day but later that evening I was told again that I did not receive a gift because I had not earned one and should behave differently if I expect something meaning no arguing over anything no matter what it is. As the months past I never received gifts for anything there was never any comiments he never looked at me like he used to and the sex was the same - all one sided with me doing all the giving. My husband began to ogle other women while out in public with me and even while we were with my children. I told him how it made me feel and he would promise to stop but instead it got worse and worse. My confidence and self esteem was falling fast. I finally had enough and blew up at him about how he treated me and my husband confessed- he looks at these other women and fantasizes about them, life with me is boring, I'm boring in bed, I need to change how I look and act and I'm unworthy of sexual pleasure or gifts...I was destroyed! My whole world came crashing down. I did everything for this man and loved him completely and sadly still do. We argued about this for 6 months straight. Now the dilemma and my question is - my husband has apologized and is now taking back all that he has said. He told me I don't have to change a thing and he will be nicer to me. The problem is that the damage is done. I feel so inadequate and useless and ugly and miserable and boring. How do you be happily married to someone knowing the way they feel about you? Knowing that you aren't good enough and they want you to change who you are? Do I change for him and then will this broken heart mend? Changing means I'm not me and be only loves who I have changed into. I'm Sooo confused, hurt and desperate to survive this.

[Cynder]

Don't put energy into changing for him. I made the mistake of doing that for mine and nothing was ever good enough. Now I am separating from him and I feel like I've waited way too long to do it.

 

The way he treated you is appalling. Yea he says he's going to change, but it could all be just an act. Be careful.

[PaintWithLight]

It was all an act.... I mean the "perfect" part. He held it together and faked it as long as he could for nearly 2 years. Then his true side came out. Consider yourself lucky now and you can make a decision based from reality not the fantasy that he projected. This is the real guy, the one who mercilessly torn you down and broke your heart.

 

He is willing to take all the back now since you are completely destroyed and his property now to toy with at his leisure. If you stay with him, you are signing on to years of hell and manipulation. This guy knew exactly what he was doing and you have to be strong with your last burst of self worth and break away from him. Good luck.

[Notagoodninja]

Hey copgirl

 

I am sooooo sorry for you, if you read my past posts you will see I kinda was in the same boat...with my husband (i got divorced a month ago) 4 years and at first blissfully in love/happy

Still in love but I couldn't live that way anymore

He never complimented me, he verbally and physically abused me repeatedly

He tried to strangle me earlier this year

He broke all my belongings

He told me I was a fat @ $ $ and that's why he couldn't get his weiner up and that I was too fat to "#$%"

He never said I was hot or pretty anymore

He would ignore my texts of photos- like I would try to take a cute pic for him & send it and he NEVER would respond!

He would put me down, ignore me and be as cold as ice

He would not cuddle with me anymore

He did not want to watch tv shows and movies together like we used to

He stabbed all our furniture with a butcher knife and threw glass candles all over the house causing me to fall on one and end up in the hospital

When I was bleeding on the sidewalk waiting for the paramedics he SlAMMED the door shut and went inside, he only came outside after awhile with a towel because he thought I was going to call the cops on him and he didn't want to get in trouble

He made all sorts of false promises he NEVER kept like "I promised God I would be good to you" and "I am sorry I won't do that again" and "I will take you on a vacation"

He would not even take 1 freaking day off to spend time with ME his wife

 

The past few months were horrible, he was not wanting sex, he didn't even want a blow job anymore

If I tried to kiss him he pushed me away

If I tried to grab his balls and play around he would say I was annoying him and yank my hand away

 

I am like you, not used to getting rejected either and super picky! I am not fat either, I work out a lot and am always under 125lbs and if anything I was high maintenance with my hair and makeup and clothes trying to look good for him

 

I am not sure why men seem to get so abusive towards their wives!! It's sooooooooooooo weird but it started in the garden of eden lol Adam ate the fruit then said "Eve MADE me do it..." maybe it's a curse now Idk

 

ANYWAY

 

Regarding YOUR situation first of all be happy you got an apology, my ex husband has NEVER apologized. The last words he called me the night I left was the C word over and over...

 

Oh about your husband checking out girls, my husband did that NON STOP. And I felt it not fair at all because I never did that when we were together. I NEVER checked a man out the past 4 years. The only time i started checking guys out was a week after the divorce went through and then I felt like a kid in a candy store and I thought how disrespectful he was to do that the WHOLE time we were together.................how unfair was that? I never did that to him...I never was so low to him

 

Your not the only one whose husband has told them they were bored and thinking of other women

Now my husband never said that to me but he always WAS fantasizing about movie stars, oogling over tv actresses and looking them up all the time, he would check out women non stop mostly teenagers and jack off to porn

And he would check out the neighbors too...gross and CREEPY!

I know a lot of women though whose husbands have verbalized it and been like, "we are bored, we fantasize about other women" etc...

 

So back to about your self esteem. Trust me, most of the time I want to sail off a cliff the last year including lately because he made me feel so low about myself

But in the meantime I am working on my self esteem little by little

I was at the dentist earlier and I am gonna get veneers next year...

I am gonna get a boob job next year

I have extensions in already, I got a membership to a tanning salon (he never let me tan, he hated hair extensions and he said If I got a boob job he'd leave me. Even though he NEVER touched or looked at my boobs in that 4 years. Esp not in the last year!!)

I joined a gym, when I first met him I worked out all the time then he told me I could not work out and gave me a huge guilt trip and a month ago he said If I joined a gym he would kill me and people would find my body dead in a ditch!

 

SO I joined one now, I work out 90 min each time

I just hired a trainer online and she's only gonna charge me 100 bucks a month, in 9 months she went from like 200lbs to 125lbs and she is a body builder/bikini fitness model now!

 

So for you I would recommend reading a book called "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin which is how I got my weight down and kept it down in my early 20's

Then do P90x at home, you can get the dvds for 40 bucks on Craigslist!

you can get that book at a used book store....and a cheap dvd player is 30 bucks at Walmart

So it's cheap to start if you're on a budget!!

 

Eventually when you get money, I'd recommend some botox, around the mouth maybe crows feet area

I mean, I have no idea what you look like but I am trying to help you get your self esteem back

What does your hair look like? I've done research and they said the number one thing a man notices about a woman is beautiful bouncy shiny locks

So invest in a good hair conditioner, keep it soft and shiny and healthy

Buy some nice perfume from Sephora- you can go get samples for free! Find one you like that suits you...

 

Are you boring in bed? I doubt it. He is prob just being an abusive !

If you think you are, you can go read the Kama Sutra about diff positions. They sell sex pillows, sex toys, all kinds of stuff to try...places like Fascinations have great lingerie....also 3 wishes dot com...Victoria Secret etc

 

The number one thing I have learned in life is...you can't make people love you. you can only love yourself and learn to make YOU love you

So do that...don't worry about him loving you anymore. Worry about getting over him. If he's lucky enough to change and save his marriage it would be a miracle

but in the meantime work on loving yourself and spoiling yourself and making yourself LOOK and feel amazing....

[GreenCupcake]

This guy sounds like he had his inner demons hidden while dating you all those years and then unleashed them when you got married. I'm sorry, but he sounds like an abuser. Now that you're married, he feels like you are his property and is treating you as such. You are not the problem. You must know that what he is doing is unacceptable and that you deserve better. Leave whatever happened in the past behind. He has finally shown you his true colors.

 

I must add that abusers always say they will change, etc. but they always repeat their behavior when they feel it is time to do so.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This man is abusive..and I suspect that for the 7 years prior to marriage there might have been some signs of his abusive nature. Start re-thinking your dating life...was it really completely blissful or were there little subtle signs of things to come. Abusers will slowly start the abuse during dating and then once married and they know you are trapped and can't leave so easily, the Mr. Nice Guy personna disappears and the abuse starts in full force. The abusive part was not a phase he was going through...it was the Mr. Nice Guy that was the phase during the wooing stage. So start re-evaluating the dating period and forget about the nice guy part...start remembering the disconcerting things he did that you swept under the rug..because those would have been the red flags to what would await you once married. Is this guy going to revert back to Mr. Nice Guy? As in most cases of abuse, he might for a while but soon enough the abuse will come back again. He has already shattered your self-esteem...don't count on him to help you repair it. People with abusers walk on eggshells never knowing when the abuse will start up again. You are far better off exiting this relationship and getting emotionally healthy away from this man who has the potential to turn on you again.

[Copgirl]

So what do I do now that he has told me I don't need to change anything and he will love me and will treat me better and do everything he can to make it up to me? What really can he do to make me think that he doesn't think I'm worthless and boring in life and in bed and that he no longer fantasizes about other women. He has stopped looking at other women ( well in front of me anyways), he is more attentive and affectionate but I no longer want or enjoy sex let alone him touching my body. I notice every women that passes by and now compare myself. The damage he has done to me mentally and emotionally is unreal and I don't know how to get over it. He seems to believe that if we just forget about the past and move on and he treats me the way I want to be treated that everything will be great but how does that solve what's going on in my head? How do I now believe I am enough? I know this sounds bad but he is a good man, father, handyman and provider. He cooks, cleans and is a full on man. He never disrespects anyone and is always there to help anyone who needs him. Everyone who knows him can't believe my story and keep saying that's not him he doesnt talk or act like that and something needs to be going on. Everyone thinks I am very lucky to have him as a husband ( without all the bad stuff I mean) he's not a partier, he rubs my feet at night, he makes me snacks and brings them to me and cleans up afterwards... My fear is that maybe this is a HUGE hiccup in our relationship and that there is potential I just don't know how to move past it. He wants to go out on dates with me and wants to have sex with my I just can't stop feeling like I have to perform for him. It's not enjoyable or relaxing it's work. He has tried to explain that he was made at me when he said the things he did and he did not mean them as they came out. He explained that yes sex got a little boring and he wanted to try new places and positions and wanted me to dress up for him but the messed up thing is that all he would've had to do was say so - I have no problem with any place or positions or outfits fir that matter ( I've got drawers full) I know if I wanted something sexually I would ask for it and not degrade someone or make them feel inadequate. My fear is that I might give up to easily and lose what could be a good marriage (obviously if the issues were rectified) I just don't know how to get over the damage and believe that I am enough and he loves me just the way I am.

[GreenCupcake]

Copgirl, abusers are known for subtly degrading their victims (over time) and making them feel convinced that they did something wrong and that they aren't good enough. I grew up with it, and I will tell you right now that it DOES NOT get better. You know what's crazy about it all? The fact that my family members know how abusive this one person is, but not many other people know about it. In public this person smiles, cracks jokes, and can even be generous. But deep down, they are an evil human being who wants to bring others down with them.

 

Your husband does all those things for you so that he can use it against you. And it confuses you, rightfully so. These are lyrics from a song called Build A Levee by Natalie Merchant:

 

When I was just a little girl my mamma said to me

"Beware of the the devil my child in the dark rocky places he'll keep.

Beware of the devil my child. Beware of his charming ways.

You'll fall under an evil spell just looking at his beautiful face.

You gotta build yourself a levee deep inside."

 

"Don't go walking by the riverside alone in the pale moonlight.

He'll come up upon you girl with no earthly body in sight

Come up on you girl and and he'll whisper something sweet

Then take you where the waters rise so high and run so deep."

"You gotta build yourself a levee deep inside.

Gotta build yourself a levee deep inside.

Build yourself a levee girl when the waters run high."

 

Now when I was just a little girl my mamma said to me

"Beware of the the devil my child but if by chance you should meet

Beware his cold dark eyes full of bold and unholy deceit.

He'll tempt you with a whirling pool of lies

And promises he'll deny or that he will never keep."

 

"You gotta build yourself a levee deep inside.

Build yourself a levee deep inside.

Build yourself a levee girl when the waters run high."

 

I want you to ask yourself this one question and I want you to think deeply about it: Does ANYONE deserve to be treated this way?

[2EvilEyes]

Okay, I'm going to pay devil's advocate. I know all the responses from other posters are telling you to get out of this marriage, but my opinion is for you to fight for this marriage.

 

Yes, your self esteem is low due to his verbal abuse. Yes, this is a huge "hic-cup" in your marriage. But marriage is not always going to be blissful happiness. Marriage means that you will go through ups and downs, but it's how you work through the "downs" and the hope that you will both come out of it closer, stronger and with more respect and mutual understanding of each other.

 

Plus, you have children!

 

At least he is wanting to work things out now. Which means you should reciprocate in order to give each other hope. Without that hope, you will be "spinning your wheels" without moving forward, or you break up.

 

Talking through things will mean both of you will hurt each other because the truth will come out.

 

I am going through a similar situation. We are breaking up not due to cheating. We are breaking up because of some deep seeded feelings about being unsatisfied with each other. Somehow, as time passes, that blissful loving feeling changes because it has to. Relationships / marriages will always change as you grow older together.

 

My colleague at work has been married for over 30 years and she tells me they still struggle to be in their marriage - they still think about divorce when they fight. Just want to give you perspective on how a long term marriage will work like. Constant work, constant effort to be close with each other. One person will always feel a bit disappointed no matter what. It's how you come out of it that should make your relationship stronger with each other.

 

I hope this helps. It would be such a shame for you two to break up when you have such a solid base with your marriage. Don't let pride get in the way.

[GreenCupcake]

2EvilEyes, her husband purposely made sure that he belittled her and that is extremely abusive behavior. Why? Because it can psychologically damage a person's ability to think correctly, and most of all it can damage their ability to love themselves.

 

It's one thing if they were hitting a rough patch and he just got depressed and didn't want to be around her as much, or something terrible happened and he became irritated with things for a while. I can see how that would be considered a hiccup in this marriage. However, his behavior is not acceptable in any way and it should not be tolerated. What kind of husband treats his wife like a child and denies her a present because she got in an argument with him a few days before? What kind of husband stares at other women (on purpose by the way) and tells his wife that life with her is boring? And most of all, what kind of husband makes his wife feel like she is completely worthless and that he is better than her?

 

You say that you are going through a similar situation. Is it possible that maybe you are in denial about what is actually happening in your own marriage? You want to play devil's advocate, but judging from her situation, your advice can be very dangerous.

 

There is a difference between someone being an a-hole sometimes and someone being downright abusive/controlling. Pride has nothing to do with this. Her husband is the one with too much pride. He feels superior to her and wants to bring her down. She is just a woman who wants to be loved properly by her own husband and she's struggling to understand what is going on.

 

I may sound out of character in this post, but she is in a really bad position right now and needs help.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree with you. His words and actions go beyond having a rough patch. They were said and done to inflict the maximum amount of pain and to make himself feel superior. His apology comes only after she really made it clear it was unacceptable behavoiur and he realized she might end up leaving the marriage if he doesn't do damage control. Abusers always do damage control when they feel the partner slipping away. Then once the partner is safely back into the fold, the abuse starts again. There are many long-term abusive marriages where the people stuck together..but that doesn't mean it was a happy union. I have seen marriages of people who have been together for 40-50 years and one partner's life is hell. Sticking together and fighting to keep a marriage together does not necessarily work to the benefit of both people. Walking on eggshells and accepting off and on abuse is not what saving a marriage is all about. Saving a marriage is about working through the problems and fixing bad behaviours. It is not about accepting a cycle of abuse just so that the marriage will have not "failed". A failed marriage is not only one that has ended. A failed marriage is when one person in the marriage stays despite nasty, abusive treatment from the other person.

[Copgirl]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. I have read all your posts however I feel that evileyes is on the same page as me. I know it's crazy and how my husband has behaved and treated me is inexcusable but crazy as it is I still love him and don't want to give up our marriage. My husband has realized what he has done and he has changed and does treat me better and does things for me everyday to try to make me happy and put a smile on my face, the problem is that I can't get over what was said and how I was treated. I can't get the thoughts out of my head and all I keep thinking is I'm not good enough, fun enough, pretty enough....he tells me I am perfect and said those things just to hurt me but obviously for those action over the past 2 years it was more than that. I honestly thought you married someone you loved and accepted and wouldn't trade for the world- you take the good and bad because that is what makes you who you are. My husband is not perfect but he was perfect for me (obviously not over the past 2 years) I know that people changed and maybe tweaking is required by everyone from time to time but his remarks were more than that. They have effected every part of me. So do I stay the same and accept that he's only making due when obviously he would like more or do I change and know that I'm only loved because of who I pretend to be. It's soo hard to figure this out. Is it possible to stay who I am, love who I am and believe the words and actions he says now? I know that if I made the changes he requested he would be overjoyed however I will always know I was never enough.

[GreenCupcake]

Copgirl, what you need to do is BE yourself and LOVE yourself. No one on earth should try to change who you are.

 

There are hundreds of thousands of women who are abuse victims. Take in mind that many of these women thought that their men would change, etc. What your husband is doing is only the beginning. Remember, abuse is a continuous cycle of good and bad, except the bad is VERY bad.

 

Can I ask you something? What makes you think that your situation is different? You keep talking about how he deeply hurt you yet you keep trying to portray him as a good person. Deep down in your heart you know that something is truly wrong because you feel conflicted by all of this.

[GreenCupcake]

That was very well said. It's truly a tough situation because the victim doesn't even realize they are being abused. Even when the physical abuse starts, they still blame themselves for the abuser's actions.

[2EvilEyes]

I 100% do agree with your advice and opinions on the verbal abuse. But I still think this marriage is worth fighting for based on her posts. Fighting will always bring about harsh negative things. We don't know the other side of this story. Copgirl could've done something that is see as unforgivable in HIS eyes (no offense Copgirl, just saying).

 

I'm basically reading in-between the lines of the original post. She says he does many wonderful things for her and it's been a great relationship for the most part. So they had some fights and some nasty things were said and done. But that doesn't mean she should walk away from the marriage.

 

I've said and done things I'm not proud of to my SO, but that doesn't mean I don't love him or want the relationship to work out. I say things out of anger to get back at the other person for hurting me. And, I think we all do that to some degree.

 

Copgirl, you need time to build back your self-esteem and it won't happen overnight. And hopefully, since your husband is now trying to make up for his past behavior, give the relationship a chance. It might be that you'll need to gain back your self-esteem through outside options, rather than just through your husband's comments. I know that with kids, it's hard to keep up with hobbies but maybe that's what you need. Find passion in something you used to do, or learn a new skill. Make new friends with other mothers, join a class - anything to give you back a sense of yourself and your self-esteem will follow.

 

On that same note, should you find that he is intentionally saying things to hurt you, you should point it out to him on the spot. I betcha he will feel bad about it when he's had time to think about what he did or said.

 

What kind of changes is he asking for? Are you not willing to make those changes because it will effect your self esteem? Are the request completely unreasonable?

[Copgirl]

Evileyes- I can honestly say I treated him the exact same way I always did. Yes I complained when he treated me badly and yes his comments would cause me to be in bad moods for days on end but who wouldn't feel bad? His comments were not during an argument. He would say or do something hurtful then he would try tO explain himself and give me examPles on how to fix it - I'm undeserving of gifts meaning i should watch how I talk to him and not argue with him days, weeks (no matter what he says or does) before a special occasion if I want a gift, I'm boring - meaning (since I'm the only one that ever plans anything ever) I should be constantly planning and coming up with new things to keep his life interesting, I'm boring in bed and undeserving of foreplay - well this one is tricky because I always give him foreplay and am always willing to do new positions and places so I never knew he was bored so my guess would be I should be checking with him every couple of seconds if he's bored and wants to switch to a different position, he has asked for new places and new positions but has never set anything up or even mentioned anything while in the act on a position he wanted to try. Since his comments I have asked what position he wanted and what he wanted me to wear and where he wanted to have sex and I hated every minute of it. I felt like a circus monkey who was performing. I was not able to relax and enjoy anything since his boredom depends on my performance that was my only goal , keep him entertained. As for looking at and fantasizing about other women - well I don't see him looking at them anymore but that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that he did. He mentioned that he would like for me to get all dolled up - hair, nails, make-up, put on a dress, then I'm guessing I need to plan a date, be "fun" on the date then be a circus monkey and perform in someplace I guess I'd have to plan to andpositions I'd have to guess he would like. The saddest part is that all of that would be soo much easier if I wasn't told that I was boring and worthless, to me it all feels like an act and a performance I have to put on. How do you be fun and think your sexy and feel sexy when your told you are the opposite. Now my husband tells me I don't need to do or be anything different and he loves me just the way I am and treats me better but the damage is done. I don't want or enjoy sex, I don't want to go on dates, if he gives me a gift I sit and wonder what I possibly could've done to deserve it and if I haven't done anything than that gift just makes me feel like * * * * . The problem now is not my husband the problem is what's going on in my head and how I feel. I hate him for doing this to me and destroying who I was and what I used to be. I'm a mess now. I can honestly say now I am boring and no fun, there is nothing sexy about me and all this stress has caused me to gain more weight and has not helped me get back to my old self after my daughters birth (18 months ago) I'm at a stand still and feel like crap everyday. I see no way out. I have no motivation but only misery. Change to who he wants is an act and staying the same will always remind me he prefers something different. I'm Sooo messed up!

[Lester]

Hi Copy, You have to find your strength again. This is done by education, reflection and change.

 

Read about Inigo de Loyola, (aka St. Ignatius link removed)

 

The following is a short discussion of some of his work. link removed

 

Discernment: Consolation and Desolation

TV game shows require contestants to make quick decisions that have “significant” consequences—get it right and win a million dollars; get it wrong and go home empty-handed. In real life, few of our decisions carry that same kind of drama; however, many of them are indeed very significant. Luckily, we usually have more than a few seconds to make most of our significant decisions in life. One of the things we can do with the time we have before making a decision is to practice discernment. In the Ignatian tradition, discernment involves two key words: consolation and desolation. In her book, The Inner Compass, Margaret Silf provides an excellent description of the role these two words play in our process of discernment.

What do we mean when we talk of consolation and desolation? We are really only talking about our orientation, and the bottom line is this: which direction is our life taking us—toward God [consolation] or away from him [desolation]?

Here are some of the main symptoms of desolation and the most commonly experienced blessings of consolation.

Desolation

· turns us in on ourselves

· drives us down the spiral ever deeper into our own negative feelings

· cuts us off from community

· makes us want to give up on things that used to be important to us

· takes over our whole consciousness and crowds out our distant vision

· covers up all our landmarks

· drains us of energy

Consolation

· directs our focus outside and beyond ourselves

· lifts our hearts so that we can see the joys and sorrows of other people

· bonds us more closely to our human community

· generates new inspiration and ideas

· restores balance and refreshes our inner vision

· shows us where God is active in our lives and where he is leading us

· releases new energy in us

 

What to do…

In Desolation:

1. Tell God how you feel and ask for help.

2. Seek out companionship.

3. Don't go back on decisions you made in consolation.

4. Stand still and remember your inner map.

5. Recall a time of consolation, and go back to it imagination.

6. Look for someone who needs your help, and turn your attention toward them.

7. Go back to 1.

In Consolation:

1. Tell God how you feel and thank him.

2. Store this moment in your memory to return to when things get tough.

3. Add this experience to your life map.

4. Use the energy you feel to further your deepest desires.

5. Let the surplus energy fuel the things you don't like doing, and do them.

6. Go back to 1.

The Inner Compass by Margaret Silf

-------------

Also, Read James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (All of his books have something to offer.)

 

You will come out of your pit one day… be ready.

[Lester]

Opps... Cop not Copy.