Final email - should I do it? Advice please.

[pebbles111]

Hi all,

I'm thinking of sending my ex boyfriend a 'final' type email....or text? It's 2 months BU, and I've no wish to rekindle a relationship with him, although, despite his cowardly and selfish treatment, I still have strong feelings for him. We've known each other 10 years (were in a relationship for 21 months), and what is most hurtful is the loss of friendship that I think has to inevitably go with this relationship break up. He was emotionally (if not physically) unfaithful to me, and in a very secretive, hurtful way. He also suddenly 'turned' on me at the time, and became detached, disinterested and unkind. We broke up because there was so much bad communication, I was upset alot, he was cold, and it 'came to a head.' I have since found out about the unfaithfulness. I asked him about it over a week ago. He aggressively denied it, said I was 'mad', had a mental problem etc. I hoped for some kind of admittance, remorse, an apology, but got nothing but aggression and he pretended that he did not know her. He met her in the UK and then 3 months later, travelled 3000 to meet her again, and did not tell me about it at all (I knew about the travelling, but not meeting up with her).

I can't have this person in my life as it is, but if he apologised... is there a chance of friendship?

I'm thinking the email needs to be short, 2 paragraphs, concise. I'm not finger-pointing, I just so want him to feel accountable for what he has done to me and our friendship. And realise that unless he works for it, our friendship will also be gone too, most probably forever.

Should I send it?

Any thoughts or experience on this will be really appreciated. Please help.

[sidehop]

I think you're looking for any sort of confirmation or possibility of change perhaps? In either case I wouldn't bother with contacting him. It's only going to confuse you more by expecting a response and wondering if he's read it. And if he does respond it could only make the situation worse.

[winniethepooh]

and I've no wish to rekindle a relationship with him, although, despite his cowardly and selfish treatment, I still have strong feelings for him.

If you still have strong feelings for him then you can't be sure you want or don't want a relationship or friendship with him. Wait until you have no feelings for him and then figure out what you want.

 

, and what is most hurtful is the loss of friendship that I think has to inevitably go with this relationship break up.

In the emotional turmoil that is the aftermath of a relationship break-up, that feeling could well be your heart playing tricks on you - you think you want to keep the friendship but hidden from you is a subconscious desire to get back together, even if you don't admit it. You won't know for sure until you've at least got past the pain, and then some way further down the road to healing. Especially because ...

 

He was emotionally (if not physically) unfaithful to me, and in a very secretive, hurtful way. He also suddenly 'turned' on me at the time, and became detached, disinterested and unkind. We broke up because there was so much bad communication, I was upset alot, he was cold, and it 'came to a head.' I have since found out about the unfaithfulness. I asked him about it over a week ago. He aggressively denied it, said I was 'mad', had a mental problem etc. I hoped for some kind of admittance, remorse, an apology, but got nothing but aggression and he pretended that he did not know her. He met her in the UK and then 3 months later, travelled 3000 to meet her again, and did not tell me about it at all (I knew about the travelling, but not meeting up with her).

This all sounds like qualities and behavior of someone that I would NOT want to be friends with, let alone in a relationship with. Do you have other friends that behave like this? Do you like them? Do you want more friends like this?

 

I can't have this person in my life as it is, but if he apologised... is there a chance of friendship?

If he apologises, deal with it then. It doesn't sound like he's likely to be the apologising sort.

 

I'm thinking the email needs to be short, 2 paragraphs, concise. I'm not finger-pointing, I just so want him to feel accountable for what he has done to me and our friendship.

If you want him to feel accountable then that sounds like finger-pointing to me

 

What you think and what he thinks are probably going to be different things, especially because you're both affected emotionally, and I doubt that an email with that sort of tone is going to have any sort of positive effect in the way that you seem to be hoping.

 

And realise that unless he works for it, our friendship will also be gone too, most probably forever.

Your friendship is already gone. It went with the relationship. You can't untangle a friendship out of a relationship when you break-up, well not easily anyway, and especially not in this case given what you said about him earlier.

 

Yes, friendships take a bit of work too but at the moment it's more important that you work on healing yourself and getting to a point where you can make a rational decision about whether or not you want a friendship. And you won't know whether or not you will want one until you get to that point.

 

Should I send it?

No.

[John3572]

You're looking to make him accountable? He already is. It was more important to meet up with some random woman than it was to keep a relationship with you. He probably won't respond to your e-mail. He'd probably laugh at your e-mail and promptly delete it. You said he is insenstive. Don't send it. It will only make you look like you're trying to get him back and are bitter. I repeat, don't send it. Nothing good will come out of it.

[utopie]

Hi Pebbles. I completely understand how you feel (we all do I think) but this is just going to hurt you even more and set you back. What if he never replies? Whatever he is going to say won't satisfy you, trust me. I wanted closure from my ex (BU was 2 months ago as well) but the email he sent me (about 2 weeks ago) did not bring it at all. You're the only one who can find closure, by yourself to yourself.

[Eocsor]

The "final e-mail rarely if ever accomplishes anything. It just makes you look weak or petty. Don't send it.

[pebbles111]

Hi, thank you so much for these replies - I really mean it.

I actually don't want to hear from him, I don't have a high level of regard for his words. They never help me! It's more to make him aware of the consequences of what he has done, as regards our history and our friendship. That I am sad that this is at an end. But I know, that sounds a bit strange, right? I suppose a knotted up mix of love and passive revenge! And I'm depleted of energy at the moment. I don't know if I have it in me. Waiting and seeing until I feel more rational (thanks Winniethepooh, and for the rest) is the best idea. Thank you.

[magnoliatree]

The consequences are you not being in his life. Removing yourself from his life and not contacting him will show him this way better than a letter ever could. You are exhausted, just focus on you, gather your energy and feel better.

[ChellyV]

if it would have been in the tone of, i forgive you, and it is releasing me of a bondage and i am much happier that way and i will be happy if you are too best of luck...then send it. otherwise, just leave it alone and stay NC.

[TheEndComplete]

It seems to me that if he was going to admit and/or apologize, he would've done so by now. If you're going to send the "closure email," make sure it is just that. My advice is don't expect a response, and don't write again when you don't get one. Also, send it only if there are things you need to say to him and not because you're expecting him to respond in a certain way. If you're sending it to provoke a certain response, then you're just handing power over to your ex, and that's something you can't afford to do emotionally.

 

I sent the "closure" email and poured my heart into it, I suppose hoping to get a heartfelt response back. What I got was a very generic, impersonal response that ended up making me feel worse. If you're prepared for that as the best case (and no response at worst), then go ahead and send it.

[Mellie]

I wouldn't send it. If you're sure he's been deceiptful why waste your breath?

 

Showing him the consequences of being an ass (i.e. not having you in his life anymore) will be way more effective than telling him. It will actually undermine your position.

[pebbles111]

Yes, I don't expect an apology any more or even a reponse. I don't want to be intimate with him, at all, so no pouring out my heart. It's true enough to say to him that his actions 'upset me', the details of that are for me to know. I already feel a level of forgiveness, and not forgetting serves as a warning if/when he ever contacts me in the future. It's odd but all this thinking of him... it feels as if he is in the 'next room'. In my mind I often see a quiet image of him standing in his living room, silhouetted slightly by the window, like I am there. He's talkative and has a loud voice, yet I don't hear anything, just this image. I wonder what is all about?

[Mario043]

I thought about doing the same thing.. one thing that may help is to write it but don't send it.. In fact, DO NOT put his address in the "TO Then save it as a draft.. This will help you psychologically, as you will feel you are writing to him, although you are probably not ready yet.. If you feel it's the right thing to do, you will know it at the time.. If you're gut tells you "No," you simply hold off. Also, you can keep revisiting it as your feelings change, and see if what you've written still applies.

 

I made the mistake of putting the address in and then clicking send instead of save.. It didn't end well.. Don't make that mistake, please..

[TheEndComplete]

I find that writing things down, in a notebook, by hand has been very helpful to me. There's something about physically writing that differs completely from thinking about it, typing it or talking. It's giving the thoughts and feelings physical form, I guess.

[coastalchick]

As a girl who has done the final email thing, I agree with Sidehop and TheEndComplete. There's no point in sending an email because what's done is done. There's no need to beat your breakup to death by sending an email. it'll only make yourself feel bad if he doesn't respond. Even though you're ending it, you still have feelings for him, so naturally you want a reaction from him.

 

I made it clear that it was over with my ex by sending his stuff back in the mail, but I wanted to talk to him as well, so I emailed him asking if we could chat. Big mistake. Even though I knew he would likely ignore my email, which he did, that didn't stop me from feeling a bit dissed and rejected. I had the "power" when I sent his stuff back, but almost immediately returned the "power" to him by asking if we could talk. If I could unsend that email, I would. Sometimes silence is the best form of communication.

[chitown9]

My personal policy is that if I question the wisdom of doing something or not, I always don't do it. The reason I adhere to this policy is because if I am questioning the issue then I have suffient doubt not to do the thing. I just think that it would be wiser not to send the e-mail...

[pebbles111]

Thanks for all this - Coastalchick - I'm grateful for you sharing your personal experience too. My emotions/feelings are so changeable, and my 'gut' is not sure about communicating because whatever the communication is, whether or not I expect or want an actual response, I'll still wonder what his response will be at the other end. So it's still connecting with him, when I need to disconnect. And after a few days of thinkng about that, I'll be nowhere and tired from thinking about it. I'm very tired now, mainly due to a full-on week at work, and I've had 3 or 4 crying outbursts in the last couple of days. I realise I need to release trapped emotions, so I'm letting myself feel it eventhough it's painful. I wish I had good friends near to help, to distract and be upbeat, but allow me to talk too. To feel that there is a brighter future ahead. At the moment I feel as if it's only 'gruelling' and I have to get through it, to get to a basic 'reward' which is to be free of pain. And I can't help feeling that he will be fairing better - I know I shouldn't - but it is inevitable to wonder about it. He checked out earlier than me - he didn't want me anyway? Please excuse the rambling. As I said, I'm pretty tired. So, no, now I am convinced I am not ready to write a final email. Thanks everyone.

[Mario043]

As someone who has struggled with this issue, (and actually has the email written) I believe you're doing the right thing by not sending it.. It, more than likely, will open an emotional can of worms. Given your current state, probably not what you need.