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Help needed- Is it All in my head or...


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Newbie here and looking for some help:


Background- I'm married and my (more senior) co-worker, "A" (that I have gone and let into my head)is also married.


Let me say I have absolutely no intention of cheating (never have- never will) but I really want to know if this flirting / attraction is real or in my head. I just like to know these things!!!


I started a new job and basically kept myself to myself until I got involved in a project and began to work closely with a female colleague. I found her attractive but never dwelt on things until while we were working she placed a hand on my arm for about 10 secs. She is a very touchy feely person with everyone so I didn't think it meant too much even though it sent electric shocks through me!


Since then we've worked closely and had a great time, with more frequent touches on arm, hand shoulders etc, loads of giggles and prolonged eye contact etc. we've talked indepth about non-work issues and I admit I enjoy the company, the conversation and the "attention".


A couple of other colleagues have made jokey references to us working together and one day, "A" said directly to me with a big smile on her face that another Senior manager was asking if there was "something going on between us". She then started singing "Me and Mrs Jones". I didn't know how to reply. She then asked if I was going to the Xmas Party. The next day the same manager saw us again and said "oh the rumours will start" and my colleague put her arm around me laughed.


I'm temporary in the job and she says to me that she doesn't want me to leave, that she'll give me a crap reference so I stay. She has also asked if i'll miss working with her if I move on. Our project has wound down but I still see her and she still touches but we don't have the same time together as before although we still catch up regularly.


She has asked a few personal things about wife etc but I wouldn't say she fishes for much info.


I can't believe I've let her into my head and that I am somewhat obsessed by her.


I am not going to try anything or make any moves but for the sake of my sanity I need to know that if there's something there or is she playing me (on the face of it she is not really the teasing kind) or am I just plain old deluded???


Any thoughts much appreciated

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I think there is something between you two and even if there isn't your in dangerous waters. Here's why 1) you find her attractive 2) people are assuming there's something between you two 3) (the first two would be fine if it wasn't for this last one) You two are both married Don't do this to yourself man, do not allow your feelings to develop more than they already have! You say you don't plan to make a move but you're still human and if things continue you're bound to slip up, think of your wife.

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If you truly love your wife you would squash this 'relationship' right now.


It is a wonderful feeling when someone else pays you so much attention, trust me I know how you feel. Though I have never been married I destroyed two long term loving relationships (10 years and 4years) by letting myself get caught up in these types of situations AND doing nothing to stop them. Eventually they end up hurting your partner/wife and creating all sorts of issues for you future relationships. Worse if you are completely honest and tell your wife she will be hurt more than you think. It's the emotional cheating that really hurts women, even if nothing physical happens.


So my advice would be to stop doing this flirting thing if you want to not feel the guilt and still have your wife. Maybe there are issues with your wife that need sorting out?

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Thanks guys for your replies.


I know it must seem so straightforward and I am skating on thin ice but it's the uncertainty that's really toying with me.


Been with my wife 12 years (married 9) and I've never strayed. Things are fine at home - no problems there and this is a work scenario which I don't take home.


I have had plenty of opportunities in the past (up front offers) and I've said no but with this it's the not knowing if I'm imagining things that's got me.


I'm not in any danger of doing anything stupid and I would ask someone in work for their opinion but I can't.


I just need to work things out in my head:


If she is interested then I feel vindicated and that's it.


And if she is not I feel a little silly and that's it.

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JimMills: you've already allowed this to go much too far. I think if you do not stop it right now it will lead you to your marriage ending and much sorrow.


I'm pretty sure you know how to end this. Stop flirting, stop talking about non-work related stuff, keep your conversation curt, short, and to-the-point, no banter, no longing glances...basically, shun her. If you don't do that immediately, she'll suck you in (if she hasn't already).

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According to you, you're not in any danger zone yet. So it's really best to end it now while you're still "ok." Maybe talk to her in private and ask her not to be so touchy-feely/flirty with you anymore because you don't want rumors to come up and cause trouble. Get out of there sooner rather than later, and you will save yourself a lot of stress.

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Thanks to all replies - I know you think that this is the slippery slope to heartache and maybe you are right. I genuinely don't believe so but I'll take your advice and not engage.


I truly never intended to do anything other than satisfy some sad curiosity and maybe boost my male ego that an attractive woman was/is interested.


It's probably all in my head anyway!

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