To Text Or Not To Text?

[Iggles]

I'm trying to be patient, and wait to hear back from this guy I've been seeing, but I'm getting frustrated. Here's some background on my situation...

 

I met a guy online last month. So far we've been on four dates. The first three he paid. The last one I made dinner. We discussed a fifth date before the night was over, with him offering to cook, and other plans to hang out in the future. I had dental surgery last week, so we weren't sure when we'd be able to hang out again. I hoped to meet up with him this week during his days off (he doesn't work 9-5) but he's been sick.

 

Now to the crux of the issue I'm having... Since meeting in person communication has been pretty consistent. Text is our main method of contact in between dates and I would hear from him almost daily. However, not so much this week. I get anxious when communication with a guy starts to slow down, because I've been subject to guys "fading away" in the past and it sucks!

 

We last texted Tuesday night. I sent him a message when I got home from work and didn't hear back. Hours later, I texted him goodnight and he quickly wrote back, apologizing and explaining he took a nap. I figured all was well, but now it's Thursday evening and still no word from him. Since I reached out to him the last time, I'm waiting for him to initiate contact. My reasoning is, I don't want to appear clingy. In my experience, matching the level of interest shown works best, so I approach it like tennis - you hit the ball over the net and then wait for the other person to hit back. However, I hate waiting, or more specifically not knowing if he's simply busy with work and not feeling well OR if the real reason I haven't heard from him is that he's losing interest.

 

Right now I feel the ball is in his court and for now it's best to do nothing. But part of me wonders if he thinks I'm not interested because I've been "quiet" (i.e., not texting him). It's maddening! I was thinking if I don't hear from him in a few hours, sending him a text tonight but the idea doesn't sit right with me. I don't want to "chase" him.

 

What do you guys think? Should I give it more time? Or should I reach out again?

[seanryder]

NO, just wait! I like your analogy to tennis. I think that is excellent. Wait for him to return your serve. If he is cooling off a bit, then another text will cool him even further. Play things cool, as you say, match his level of interest.

[Capricorn3]

Don't text again. You've contacted him twice. Wait for HIM to respond.

[Iggles]

seanryder - Thanks! Yeah, looking at it that way helps me to keep it in perspective. Am going to play it cool.

 

Capricorn3 - I think you're right. Texting him again would be too much.

 

For now I'm going to sit on my hands, so to speak! As much as women and men say they don't want to play games, there is strategy involved in dating. I find the initial "getting to know you" period uncomfortable because I prefer to know where I stand, but I think it's a necessary evil. When you rush things, it ruins it. I've had guys come on too strong before (i.e., the classic "info dump", or being demanding of my time when we just met!) and it doesn't feel good, so I don't want to put that energy out there!

 

Will let you know how it goes

[Day_Walker]

I think that you just have to make a decision on how you are going to handle dating and initiating conversations, is it going to be like a tennis match or are you just going to contact the person when you see fit. Make that decision and abide by it.

[John3572]

Don't contact him again. If he doesn't contact you, you'll know that he lost interest.

[BigCityGirl]

I wish there was a rule for this! I'm in the same place. So frustrating, I hear you.

[minimini]

I knowhow frustrating it can be!!! I've SO been there!! I'd say don't text. Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not Into You.". I'm not saying that about you.... But in that they say that if a guy wants to contact you, he will. He'll find a way and not over think anything like us girls do. ;-). He'll contact you soon enough. Just wait....

[Data]

Relax! Find something to keep you busy. It's been only 2 days since your last contact with him? Wait it out and let him txt you.

[alwaysmoving]

Don't text him

[Professional]

As a man I'm texting this girl who took awhile for me to understand her texting system. I do the initating of the first contact and I text once every 2 to 3 days. At first I was a bit pissed at her lack of making first contact but realized she's the old fashioned girl type and likes the man to make contact first! I don't mind after I saw she returns my texts usually within 2 minutes, and this is after 2 days no contact. If she takes more than 15 minutes to send a text back to me I will wait a couple of hours to send a reply....put her on ice!! That's just my rule for having been the one to make 1st contact all the time.

If you're doing the tennis game system with texts.......yes that is "rude" on his part and he should know better!!

[Mushmouth1984]

Hey, I am/was in a similar situation, but I'm a guy but think my advice will still apply. I had met this woman on an online dating site and we chatted online every day, for a week and a half then went on 4 dates and things were going good. Well, I got all clingy/needy and started blowing up her phone with texts and it got to the point where she wanted to leave things alone between us. I had sent her a message online apologizing for my behavior and how I was trying to work on it. She responded and we resumed communicating by texts.

 

She re-initiated the texting and for the most part, I would only text her if she had texted me. Didn't want to come accross as needy/clingy again and drive her away for good. Also wouldn't reply with a text immediately. I'd wait a bit (15 mins - 1+ hour) and sometimes wouldn't reply until the next day. You don't want to appear as if you're constantly checking your phone waiting for him to contact you. Sometimes would initiate texts by asking if she had plans for the weekend or something like that, but kept it at a minimum. Seemed to work playing this game of tennis, so to speak, as she texted me twice in a week wanting to hang out but she hasn't initiated contact in 4 days now, so not sure how well it worked.

 

Think a lot of it depends on the person, and that there's not one correct way to go about it. Think the tennis game analogy is your best bet though. If he really wants to see you again, he WILL contact you. Didn't you say he was sick during this patch where he's been not responsive, or did I misread your post? Maybe he's still sick? Wait it out I'd say. If he is still sick, maybe send a text in a few days, along the line of "feeling any better?" or something like that.

 

If it gets to the point where it's been a week or more without him initiating, it either means he's really sick, he lost interest, his phone got stolen/broken/service shut off/lost. The people who are saying if he doesn't respond that it means he is not interested, I don't believe are right. I mean, there's a chance he lost interest but that's not the only thing that would preclude him from contacting you again. If it really bothers you after, say a week of no contact, I don't see the harm in sending a text. Something like "hey, haven't heard from you in a while. thought things were going good between us and was getting the same vibe from you. just wondering if everything's all right." Maybe some will disagree with me (if you read my thread in this forum, you'll see that I'm not the best when it comes to text game, but what I wrote makes sense to me). If he doesn't respond to that, then chances are he did lose interest.

 

P.S. Do you have any other way of contacting him? I assume you met him on an online dating site, so can you check on that site and see if he's been active on there lately? I know on OkCupid you can click on a person's profile and it shows you the last time they logged on to their account. If he's been active recently, chances are he's seeking out other people to date and doesn't want to tell you as such.

[Iggles]

Thanks for the replies everyone! A lot has happened since Thursday!

 

Friday evening rolled around and I still didn't hear from him. I spoke with a friend of mine about the situation and she mentioned since he said he was sick, perhaps I should give him the benefit of doubt and send him a text, "Hey. How r u feeling?" I decided to do so. Afterward I was waiting to hear back and felt a bit down, wondering if that was the right decision or not. Later that night I went out with a friend and it was welcomed distraction, but I kept checking my phone and nothing. It was late when I came home and I figured I guess I got my answer! I dozed off on the couch for bit. Anyway, as I got ready to go to bed I got a text from him. He works the night shift on his job, so given the time he likely just got in. The basic gist was that he was was feeling better, he figured I was sleeping by now (most nights I would have been), and then the last part made no sense at all to me! I decided I'd text back the following day since it was so late.

 

The next morning, I talked about it with my sister. The main thing I took away from our conversation is we don't have any control over other peoples' actions, or how they feel about us. We can only control how we react to things and our own choices. So, I realized I really didn't like how I reacted to this (getting so upset and disappointed) and it was probably best to shift my mental focus. I was heading to an event with friends and I didn't want to end up anxiously checking my phone all day, so I decided I would ignore it for now, and just text him back later on.

 

So I went to the event and had an awesome time. Though despite being hesitant to drudge it up again, I ended up talking about this with my friends too! Lol. One in particular gave me excellent advice about it and dating in general. She said I shouldn't ignore the text, and when confronted with something awkward or something you don't understand text back with a joke about it. Humor goes a long way. In talking to her I realized I was quite insecure about getting callbacks and was assuming if I didn't hear from someone it always means disinterest. While it might most of the time, leading with negative thinking will make it all of the time.

 

Long story short, he texted back again and clarified that in the latter part of his text he meant he figured out what he wanted to cook for next time. As in, what he had in mind for date #5 We picked a day and I'm looking forward to it!

 

I learned a lot this weekend, in discussing things with my friends and my sis. Mainly, I've got to relax! And also I have some stuff to work out whereas dating is concerned. I don't have much experience with it. I didn't date in high school and have been in one LTR that started in college. We were friends first so we didn't really "date". I just started dating in August of this year, and after being flaked on a few times it definitely has affected my confidence more than I'd like to admit!

 

Another thing I come to realize, is that for me, relying on texting as the main source of communication between dates isn't good. There's a bit of distance I can't quite explain. It's convenient, given our work schedules but I'd feel better if we'd talk on the phone from time to time. The best time for that would be on his days off, so on his next one I'm going to initiate that! I know, this sounds so simple and I feel quite silly after freaking out and assuming the worst -- but all I can do is learn from this and grow. With experience comes wisdom, I hope!