What does this mean?

[blackwings]

Hey all,

 

Its been awhile since I've been on here. My fiance and I have been together a little over two years now, and in general, our situation has improved a lot. We live in a nice townhouse with a roommate and our pets, and I'm about to graduate from college in the spring (yay!). But now that everything is starting to change, I'm feeling conflicted and confused. I absolutely love him to death, and he seems to be happy with me too. I have a very difficult time imagining my life without him now because he has also become my best friend, but at the same time, when I imagine what big changes are going to be happening in my life in the near future and what big decisions I have to make (such as where I'm going to get a job and where I'm going to live and whether or not I want to start a family), I can't help but be nagged by a whole bunch of worries when I think about making those decisions with him instead of on my own. Sometimes I worry about things that have happened in the past that I can't bring up any more, I worry about what he really wants to do and whether he's really as invested in our relationship as he acts. He's so sweet to me and is always trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, I have no way of knowing for sure whether he really feels the same way I do because of his tendency to avoid conflict and take the easy way in pretty much all things. It may seem pretty insecure to think that, and it is, but his actions lead me to believe it.

 

On average, we only sleep together about once a week now and he almost never initiates (unless I bring it up, and then he makes somewhat of an effort for awhile before it goes right back to the usual), and it used to be the complete opposite. Yet he still watches porn all the time. Any time I've tried to talk to him about this he's given me different explanations, so I know he hasn't been honest. He's told me that he's self conscious about not lasting very long, even though that's an issue that comes and goes and I've never given him a hard time about it any way. He's told me that he's just not ever in the mood any more, but he watches porn most every day. He tells me it's because I don't get all dressed up or tease him often enough, but I've made a big effort to improve that and nothing has changed. He tells me that its a result of the accident he had falling down the stairs a few months back, and also tells me it's a problem he's had in every long term relationship he's been in. Clearly, something doesn't add up. And I'm pretty positive he's just not that into me any more and won't admit it. I've also caught him searching for his ex-girlfriend online, who really messed him up. From the way he would tell it, she was absolutely horrible to him and cheated on him, and had an abortion but lied and told him it was just a miscarriage while they were together. They only dated for about a year and a half, and that was about four years ago, but I still found him searching for her when I pulled up the internet. He's even admitted to me when he was drunk and emotional that he would have a very hard time turning her away if she showed up at the door. I confronted him about the internet search, and he said it was perfectly normal to get curious and look up an ex. He said it took a long time to get over her, but I helped him. He was just wondering what she was up to and if she was still married. Its easy for him to say he's over her, she lives 8 hours away and is married with like 4 kids now so it's easy for him to tell me that he wouldn't want to be with her again. I'm not convinced, though he does seem to really love me.

 

He's really kind and thoughtful to me when we're hanging out and don't have anything to do. But whenever any friends of his are around, he jumps up to talk to them and is quick go do anything with them. It's like pulling teeth for me to get him to go for a walk with me, or watch a movie, or go out to eat or run errands with me but he has no problems doing anything with anyone else. And he says I should just hang out with all of them, but they're around almost all the time and all they talk about is video games, sports, and work. I have nothing to contribute to those conversations. He seems to think I don't believe we spend enough time together, but that's not the case. We just don't spend hardly any alone time together, and I think that's important too. Just because we're engaged and living together doesn't mean we don't have to make an effort to have a date night once a week or something. I don't think that's too much to ask. One where he isn't in a hurry to get back home and play video games with the guys for the rest of the night.

 

I wish I could talk to him about these things, but every time I do, he just seems to think I'm bashing him and gets all defensive instead of just talking with me about it. He says this is how he is, and I just need to accept it or break up with him, yet he doesn't want me to break up with him so where does that leave me? I think a relationship takes work from both sides and a lot of listening, he thinks it should just be easy all the time. I'm nervous to make my big life-changing decisions I'm going to have to make soon to incorporate him if he's not interested in putting any effort into a more long-term relationship with me. But at the same time, maybe I'm over-analyzing everything too much? We have a lot of fun and good times together, but I feel like he only sees me as a very close friend that he has accepted because he can't have the girl that got away. What do you think? Am I wasting my time here? Should I move on or just relax? Is it normal for him to be searching so hard to find his ex online? Sorry for the length, but any input will be appreciated.

[EgoJoe]

I could give you alot of advice on specific things but I think that other Women would be able to help you better. What I will say is that I hear you, your challenges are real and you're very wise and brave for seeking the opinions of others and for posting as you have.

 

Try reading a little at link removed and then just click around for awhile. I'm sure some female posters will follow up with you soon.

[sidehop]

I wish I could talk to him about these things, but every time I do, he just seems to think I'm bashing him and gets all defensive instead of just talking with me about it. He says this is how he is, and I just need to accept it or break up with him, yet he doesn't want me to break up with him so where does that leave me?

 

That sounds very controlling on his part.

 

I think a relationship takes work from both sides and a lot of listening, he thinks it should just be easy all the time. I'm nervous to make my big life-changing decisions I'm going to have to make soon to incorporate him if he's not interested in putting any effort into a more long-term relationship with me. But at the same time, maybe I'm over-analyzing everything too much? We have a lot of fun and good times together, but I feel like he only sees me as a very close friend that he has accepted because he can't have the girl that got away. What do you think? Am I wasting my time here? Should I move on or just relax? Is it normal for him to be searching so hard to find his ex online? Sorry for the length, but any input will be appreciated.

 

You have better idea about the relationship in general than his egotistic selfish attitude. Whether you guys get married say few months from now or five years, nothing will change as far as the relationship itself. If it doesn't change now, he'll be the same husband who will ignore problems, avoid conflict at all cost, making you feel guilty and trapping you in a very unhappy state.

 

You're obviously not over analyzing things. Relationships no matter how old they are will always take work every single day. Chances are he'll try to change short term if you try to leave him; he knows you're comfortable enough that you won't make the move just yet. But read what you wrote. Are you truly happy and in love with him?

 

And I think you're right. Reading what you wrote, you guys sound like close friends than a couple. He's obviously not over his ex; maybe not in a romantic way but there's absolutely no reason why he should be seeking out his ex along with his porn habits. At your age and as exciting as you two should be engaged, having sex only once a week consistently just shows the lack of intimacy and what it says about the relationship. Granted, every couple has their off week being busy and exhausted but if it's a recurring thing every week then it's obvious something is missing in the picture.

 

Think about this before you marry this guy. Is this the way you want to live? Because NOTHING will change once you two get married if he's not willing to change his attitude.

[blackwings]

Thank you for your input. I really do love him and want to work things out with him, but if he doesn't want to work things out too I guess there's not much I can do about it. I'm not entirely sure if I am in love with him anymore, though I hate to say it because I am of the belief that if I have to question it then the answer is no. However I absolutely was in love with him for a quite awhile and I also know that "in love" feeling comes and goes and I know the potential to feel it for him again is still there. My main predicament is that I couldn't really leave and break up with him right at this moment anyway. I'm a college student and I can't afford to get my own place and it's too late to get into a dorm. I'd have to move back in with my parents in the next town over and end the bills that are in my name, and it would be a total pain in the butt. Plus my name is on the lease which isn't up till May and I'd be putting him and our roommate in a pretty bad spot, and I'd lose my pets too. I couldn't deal with all that and the rollercoaster of emotions as well in the middle of my last year of college. And I'm pretty sure he's aware of all that. And you're right by the way that he'll try to make an effort whenever I'm on the verge of leaving. He'll say absolutely anything he can think of to get me to stay but then won't actually put in any effort afterwards and gets aggravated with me when I remind him about it, acting like I'm crazy and needy. He honestly doesn't understand why I would think there's any issues in our relationship, and doesn't understand why I would ever question anything he says, even though he's a habitual liar and just denies anything I try to ask him about. I just don't know. I guess I have to at least try to hang on until our lease is up, and maybe things will work out during that time? The whole thing with his ex really bothers me.

[sidehop]

even though he's a habitual liar and just denies anything I try to ask him about. I just don't know. I guess I have to at least try to hang on until our lease is up, and maybe things will work out during that time? The whole thing with his ex really bothers me.

 

No. It will not work out over time; you need to give yourself some credit here. You're trying to better the relationship and he's not. If he's a habitual liar that alone should scare you. Yes, you should be concerned about your ex let alone whatever all these lies are actually covering up. Look at the facts and ask yourself if you want to live the way you are right now.

 

Yes it will be a headache but if there's a will I'm sure you'll find the answer to either find a way to move out with your pets and even if it's difficult at first chances are you'll be happier. Just don't put up with his attitude or waste your time waiting and hoping. Life is just too short to wait on someone who will not change. If anything it maybe difficult but now is the time to really plan things out if you absolutely have to stay until next May.

[toby17]

Relationships require 100% from both parties and your bf isn't doing his part. Often when one party does all the work, for one reason or other the other party doesn't do any.

 

My advice - stop trying to get the relationship to work - stop talking, stop trying to get him to talk, stop trying to get him to spend time with you. From now till May, concentrate on you. Go out with your friends, cultivate your interests, start thinking about what you want from life.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Stop trying to do everything (trust me, he'll notice) and see if he steps up!