blackwings Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Hey all, Its been awhile since I've been on here. My fiance and I have been together a little over two years now, and in general, our situation has improved a lot. We live in a nice townhouse with a roommate and our pets, and I'm about to graduate from college in the spring (yay!). But now that everything is starting to change, I'm feeling conflicted and confused. I absolutely love him to death, and he seems to be happy with me too. I have a very difficult time imagining my life without him now because he has also become my best friend, but at the same time, when I imagine what big changes are going to be happening in my life in the near future and what big decisions I have to make (such as where I'm going to get a job and where I'm going to live and whether or not I want to start a family), I can't help but be nagged by a whole bunch of worries when I think about making those decisions with him instead of on my own. Sometimes I worry about things that have happened in the past that I can't bring up any more, I worry about what he really wants to do and whether he's really as invested in our relationship as he acts. He's so sweet to me and is always trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, I have no way of knowing for sure whether he really feels the same way I do because of his tendency to avoid conflict and take the easy way in pretty much all things. It may seem pretty insecure to think that, and it is, but his actions lead me to believe it. On average, we only sleep together about once a week now and he almost never initiates (unless I bring it up, and then he makes somewhat of an effort for awhile before it goes right back to the usual), and it used to be the complete opposite. Yet he still watches porn all the time. Any time I've tried to talk to him about this he's given me different explanations, so I know he hasn't been honest. He's told me that he's self conscious about not lasting very long, even though that's an issue that comes and goes and I've never given him a hard time about it any way. He's told me that he's just not ever in the mood any more, but he watches porn most every day. He tells me it's because I don't get all dressed up or tease him often enough, but I've made a big effort to improve that and nothing has changed. He tells me that its a result of the accident he had falling down the stairs a few months back, and also tells me it's a problem he's had in every long term relationship he's been in. Clearly, something doesn't add up. And I'm pretty positive he's just not that into me any more and won't admit it. I've also caught him searching for his ex-girlfriend online, who really messed him up. From the way he would tell it, she was absolutely horrible to him and cheated on him, and had an abortion but lied and told him it was just a miscarriage while they were together. They only dated for about a year and a half, and that was about four years ago, but I still found him searching for her when I pulled up the internet. He's even admitted to me when he was drunk and emotional that he would have a very hard time turning her away if she showed up at the door. I confronted him about the internet search, and he said it was perfectly normal to get curious and look up an ex. He said it took a long time to get over her, but I helped him. He was just wondering what she was up to and if she was still married. Its easy for him to say he's over her, she lives 8 hours away and is married with like 4 kids now so it's easy for him to tell me that he wouldn't want to be with her again. I'm not convinced, though he does seem to really love me. He's really kind and thoughtful to me when we're hanging out and don't have anything to do. But whenever any friends of his are around, he jumps up to talk to them and is quick go do anything with them. It's like pulling teeth for me to get him to go for a walk with me, or watch a movie, or go out to eat or run errands with me but he has no problems doing anything with anyone else. And he says I should just hang out with all of them, but they're around almost all the time and all they talk about is video games, sports, and work. I have nothing to contribute to those conversations. He seems to think I don't believe we spend enough time together, but that's not the case. We just don't spend hardly any alone time together, and I think that's important too. Just because we're engaged and living together doesn't mean we don't have to make an effort to have a date night once a week or something. I don't think that's too much to ask. One where he isn't in a hurry to get back home and play video games with the guys for the rest of the night. I wish I could talk to him about these things, but every time I do, he just seems to think I'm bashing him and gets all defensive instead of just talking with me about it. He says this is how he is, and I just need to accept it or break up with him, yet he doesn't want me to break up with him so where does that leave me? I think a relationship takes work from both sides and a lot of listening, he thinks it should just be easy all the time. I'm nervous to make my big life-changing decisions I'm going to have to make soon to incorporate him if he's not interested in putting any effort into a more long-term relationship with me. But at the same time, maybe I'm over-analyzing everything too much? We have a lot of fun and good times together, but I feel like he only sees me as a very close friend that he has accepted because he can't have the girl that got away. What do you think? Am I wasting my time here? Should I move on or just relax? Is it normal for him to be searching so hard to find his ex online? Sorry for the length, but any input will be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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