Please Help.... Do I Believe Him?

[Scooter71]

My boyfriend is away on an extended vacation, about 2 hours away from home. I have been keeping in touch with him mostly over the phone. I went to see him last weekend, and we had one of the best times, both sexually and emotionally that we have ever had in 2 years of being together. Well, on a hunch I checked his email yesterday and saw that he had contacted another man, and paid him for sex. I saw their emails and I know the man went to see him at the house he's renting for vacation just a week before I was there. I am devastated. I took a trip down there specifically to ask him about it in person. He says he's not gay, and that they didn't do anything. He watch this man pleasure himself and that was it. He said that it wasn't his thing, and that he regretted it as soon as the man got there and started. He was crying while telling me this and seemed very sorry for what he did. He says he has never done anything like this before. I did go back through almost 3 years of his emails (from a year before he and I were even together) and there are no other signs of him doing this in the past, not via email anyway.

 

Can I add that I have known him for 17 years. He has always dated women, and I've always known him to be super committed to his girlfriends. I know he has looked at porn videos of men pleasuring themselves. He's very open about his porn preferences with me. I asked why and how this happened, and he says that his porn viewing led him to live web cam viewing, which led him to wanting to watch a man do it in person. Again, he claims there was no touching, kissing or physical contact and that once the guy started he didn't like it and knew it was a mistake. He promises me that it was just curiosity and that he'll never do it again. I asked him several times if he is gay, and he insists he's not. I asked him if he has feelings of wanting to do more with men, and he said no. He says he learned his lesson.

 

Do I believe him? Or is he really gay? Will he do this again, or should I believe him that it was a one time thing, just out of curiosity?

 

FYI - I am a woman, and we are both in our 40's. He's mid 40's. Is this really late for experimentation?

[XxJustMexX]

Although certain fetishes are embarassing for people to share with their partners, I don't believe keeping it from them is a healthy solution either. I definitely know how embarassing it can be for him to admit his porn preferences to you but for him to do something like this behind your back has betrayed your trust. As much as I feel for the guy to have an uncommon fetish that society would find disturbing or weird (face it, it's not common for a male to be attracted to gay porn), I still don't think him doing that behind your back was a good judgment call. He may or may not have touched these guys, but the fact still stands that he betrayed your trust by doing this behind your back. I know it's a hard solution for him to have just been open about it with you, but doing it behind your back wasn't exactly a better solution.

 

If it were me, I'd feel betrayed and lied to, moreso than the fact he may have cheated. That's the best case scenario...

 

Worst case scenario is he really didn't put you into consideration when he did this, and he's just plain deceptive... I don't know the guy so... Which scenario seems more likely to you?

 

Either way he violated your trust by doing this behind your back... I know this is far from a guy getting a hooker behind his wife's back, but in a way, it's the same thing. He fed a sexual fantasy behind his woman's back... not exactly trustworthy. I mean, I know there are lots of people out there with uncommon sexual fantasies/fetishes... But if it involved another person (touching or not) either they don't act on it, or if they do, they should tell their partner.

 

I don't think this necessarily means he's gay. He could just have some weird fantasies that he's terrified to share with you. I don't think the type of porn someone watches determines sexuality. I'm 30 and completely heterosexual and my best friend is 33 and bi. We both like gay (guy) porn. I'm not gay by any means, nor do I have any sort of anal fantasies (never even tried)... I just find watching two guys together to be sexually arousing. Why? No idea. I know that's probably weird in most peoples' eyes but oh well. The difference between me and your guy though is that it doesn't mean just because I like it that I'm going to hire two gay guys to romp in my hotel room to get me off though... That's obviously where your problem lies... is that he acted on it without telling you.

[camus154]

There are men out there who would never do this. Why not look for one of them?

[RedDress]

I think you should google the Kinsey scale. It may put your mind at ease. Basically, it's the theory that sexuality isn't black or white (gay or straight) but a spectrum that bends and shifts throughout one's lifetime and to differing degrees.

 

What I'm saying is... I don't think he's gay. But I'm also saying I don't think he's straight. Which makes him in line with about 80% of the population.

 

I think the biggest issue here is that he lied about it. But... I mean... look at your reaction, right? I'm not saying you are wrong... I'm just saying it was probably something he didn't really want to confront/come clean about.

 

Now that it IS out in the open... unless you can be open about his needs... I don't think the relationship is going to work. I think that:

a) You will need to come to a place where you can accept it

b) He will need to come to a place where he can be open about it with you and not lie

c) You will both need to find a way to integrate it somehow into your lives. Either through porn, or watching something together or.... who knows! But you can't ignore it.

 

If the above is not possible - you will need to break up. Because neither of you will be able to be fulfilled.

 

Of course - it IS always possible that he cheated also. Do you believe that?

[lukeb]

a) You will need to come to a place where you can accept it

b) He will need to come to a place where he can be open about it with you and not lie

c) You will both need to find a way to integrate it somehow into your lives. Either through porn, or watching something together or.... who knows! But you can't ignore it.

 

Totally agree with this, there seems to be a sexual incompatibility problem here, that can't be ignored. It is not a question of whether he's gay or not, or whether or not he will do it again.