Fear of not being loved again

[zenmind]

This is a big one. I might say it is the biggest pain of every person who struggles with a breakup.

It is what makes us want to get back with people who proved that they don't want us by leaving... It is what keeps us from moving on with full heart, being open to new people. It keeps us depressed, pessimistic and in low self esteem.

I don't know why this is happening to us or where it's coming from.

 

And what makes it harder is the inner conflict : you feel like there is no chance of finding someone again, yet reason tells you different- but that just doesn't cut it.

I find it difficult being "out there" alone and here are some examples when I find it especialy difficult:

-seing happy couples, walking in their own world and not giving a damn about everybody else ..

-talking to a nice girl that I might like, but she is either not available or I don't get the slightest feedback

-spending time trying to look good and feel confident but not getting the expected feedback from others (nobody seems to notice, nobody flirts)

And yes, then you tell yourself your ex ( who is soooo great ....the One...God's gift to mankind ) liked you at some point therefore you can be atractive. There were a lot of nice girls in the past who felt for you..hell, you even rejected some...what you feel now makes no sense...and yet you just can't make these negative feelings stop.

 

 

How do you do it? How do you fight this nonsense state of mind? How do you keep your confidence and how do you remain patient and calm through this turmoil? How to cope with desolation when "out there" ,feeling lonely among others...

How to really trust that in the end it will be ok?

Please post here your experience, your method if you have one, it could help a lot of us going through this..

[Butterfly023]

Great post! Unfortunately I don't have any advise as I feel the same exact way. Guess I will look forward to other replies!

[KronicMan]

i fell in love twice so far and looking forward to it again--- i think when you lose your first love it is the hardest and you think no one can compare..but you cant go through life comparing everyone to your exs. believe it or not, my second love reminded me alot of my first love even though it was a different relationship. dont go searching for it, it will come when u least expect it

[HoliPoli]

I just (sort of) posted this in another thread a few minutes ago...

 

 

For me, I think of past relationships and how I thought I would never love or be loved again and you know what? It still happened and each time it did I wasn't out searching for it. Of course I was sad, angry or scared when a relationship ended whether it me mine or someone else's decision.

 

Allow yourself to grieve, panic, make mistakes and just plain feel crazy for a period of time BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL then reign yourself in AND REFUSE TO BE THE VICTIM.

 

Most of all take care of yourself.

[HoliPoli]

dont go searching for it, it will come when u least expect it

 

That's exactly how it happens.

[AnnaN]

I feel the same. I thought I had found the love of my life, but he had a different opinion.

 

I find it difficult, too, to go out, see happy couples walking on the streets holding hands, like we used to do. I lost this in one day and it's not easy. I can't picture myself doing this again.

I avoid listening to happy songs about love, they made me sad and remember when we were in the car singing together...

 

I never had a problem with self-confidence in terms of physical appearance, but I still have the fear that even if I go out, even if I meet new people, even if I flirt, he won't be what I want. I may never find again someone like him. I wish he had some major flaws to tell myself that I deserve better and I can find better, but he was exactly like I wanted him to be for 4 whole years, except the night he decided out of the blue to be alone.

 

So I also have the fear of finding again the perfect relationship and be dumped again without expecting it.

 

I don't want any relationship right now, I still hope that he will come back. But I know that if I don't start going out soon, meeting people and flirting, I won't be able to do it if I let more time to pass.

[stickman]

You are a great person! If you were sexy...or smart....or caring.....or good looking enough for your ex...why wouldnt you be that same person for someone else?

 

Well...you are!!!!

 

As you get older, it does get harder...But, when you are young...you have you whole life yet to live!!!

 

Love is never the same...it is always different.

[CountryHGirl]

For me, i sincerely thought i had found 'the one', even years after we broke up. It wasnt until i met my current boyfriend that i realized how so completely wrong i had been. Sometimes i wonder if i had gotten back to together with my ex, how different my life would be. Its so scary to think about that.

 

I went thru a really bad depression after my breakup. I would literally not be able to make it up my stairs to my bed, and would just sob on the steps for seriously, 4-7 hours. It was horrible. I started to feel better when i cut of contact of course, and went out to rediscover myself. I had lost most of the friends due to this relationship taking over my life, so i had to go at life alone then.

 

Id flirt with other guys, have fun. It made me feel good, but not great. It wasnt until i took a trip to Atlantis in the bahamas that i really realized how amazing life was, how i would be fine no matter what. One month later i found my current boyfriend. I think that before you can truly move on and heal you have to accept yourself and just know that youll be ok.

 

My mom would always tell me, "What if the RIGHT one comes along, and your not available because your in the WRONG relationship?" Basically she is saying dont settle for someone who doesnt deserve you. If they walked away, they dont deserve you. And all that means is that there is now a spot open for mr. right someday.

[Thorshammer]

It happens,, but if you keep this mentality... i promise you will not attract what you want. You will lower your standards, and return back to square one.

 

I was bummed when I struck out with every girl at a bar. I was really down, because before the girls were wild for me. It happens, especially when you still have the stink of desperation, and also when you get rusty.

 

Love yourself... love to be alone. You do that, others will want some of that with you too. There is no race, you dont NEED anyone or anything. Take your time, and breath in life.

[zenmind]

 

I somehow feel that is exactly what's going to happen. The right way to go.

 

Gaining patience is a hard thing to do, but it's a must.

I too believe that there can be no "race" as we cannot control who we will meet in the future and how they'll be feeling about us...

We need to "stop trying to control everything and just let go" ( Tyler Durden )

[AutumnBorn]

Love yourself... love to be alone. You do that, others will want some of that with you too. There is no race, you dont NEED anyone or anything. Take your time, and breath in life.

 

Thor, you're absolutely correct. By concentrating on myself, I discovered myself, who I am, what and who I truly love, and where I want my life to be. I concentrated on work, on finding out what I like to do, and gaining confidence to be myself for probably the first time in my life. I gave up on love, decided that I wasn't going to look for it....and accidentally met someone amazing when I wasn't trying and least expecting it and suddenly, I was not only in love, but am loved and valued in return.

 

We're in love. We've coupled - our friends and family know, we're happy together. This amazingly talented and highly respected artist - a sensitive, funny, and gorgeous man - loves me. Me. He's everything I thought a man should be. It's not what it was with my ex, thank God. It's so much better.

 

Stop trying, stop doubting, stop caring and it just eventually happens.

[changeacomin]

BELIEVE!!! It WILL happen. Make yourself the best person you can be. Most of all, try to stay positive. If you ooze misery, desperation, unhappiness, it won't happen. Love yourself. Concentrate on all your good qualities.

 

There's someone out there waiting to meet the fabulous you!

[Mellie]

I haven't really felt any of this this time around. When I was grieving for the relationship, I just wanted my ex back - couldn't bear the thought of meeting anyone else. Now I'm getting past that, sure, with any new relationship I'm not going to be diving right in there head first, I'm going to be pretty cautious - but heyho. Maybe that's something I would have benefitted from practising in the past.

 

Experience is a great teacher. I've had breakups that have totally flawed me, then got up and met someone much better. It's all a state of mind. Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to meet someone anyway? If you can't be happy with just yourself, why should anyone else? You can look at happy couples and see the glass is half empty (sad you don't have what they do), or half full (I remember how that feels and it'll be my turn some day soon). Why don't you try looking good just for yourself - go out just for going out's sake without the expectation of pulling?