How to make a marriage last

[Miss Kitty]

I was just thinking about how my parents have not been a good example to me on how to make a marriage work and my fiance's mom has been through two husbands already. His sister doesn't have a good marriage either. Neither one of us has had any good examples of how to make marriage work. We sure have learned how to make it fail, but without good examples, that doesn't add up to too much.

 

So I was wondering if some of you who have good marriages or who had good examples in your life of a good marriage, could maybe give us some words of advice. Thank you for your replies!

[Blackey]

Angelina and Brad pit!!

Just kidding, the most important thing is communication, without it, marriage would fall apart, it is the basis for everything.

[OptomisticGirl]

All you need is the marriages that failed to learn from.

 

I have only been married a month but the lessons I learned from my parents' marriage has been with me for much longer. I learned from my parents' marriage that marriage isn't perfect, just becuase you said 'I Do' and wear the white dress doesn't mean it's going to be sunshine and roses afterward. I went into my marriage knowing we will falter, we will step on each other's toes, we will want to kill each other, and we both will change - the thing is to change TOGETHER and not apart. My relationship (the fact we have been LD) has taught me to always communicate with my husband, to never hide how I'm feeling and to never shut those lines of communication down, even when angry.

 

the night before our weddding my uncle (who I consider my father figure) took my husband and I each aside alone and told us this advice and it will ALWAYS stick with me:

 

- never go to bed angry AT him/her.

- there is an unspoken 7 day rule. After 7 days you can't bring the problem up again (so as not to bring something up that happened 5 years ago)

- never go a day without telling him/her you love them

- always support your spouse and guide them, never lead them

- you will fall out of love with each other at different times. you will hate each other in other moments, the important thing is to never hate each other at the same time

- LISTEN when the other is talking

- never demand something of them you wouldn't demand of yourself

[Miss Kitty]

Angelina and Brad pit!!

Just kidding, the most important thing is communication, without it, marriage would fall apart, it is the basis for everything.

 

This is good to hear. We have good communication. If he's bothering me, I can say it and it doesn't turn into a fight. If we have a difference, we talk it out and work on a solution. I am very happy about this part of our relationship especially.

[Miss Kitty]

That's great advice. I agree that its important to know that you WILL fight, but it's not the end. I have to keep in mind what you said about guiding but not leading. I know this is an issue I have. I am working on it. For example, I was really onto him for a while about going back to college. Then one day he told me that he just can't see himself being happy stuck in an office all day in front of a computer. He said that he loves his job and loves working with his hands, doing heavy lifting and dirty sweaty work. I will never get why he likes that, but if it makes him happy and a more proffesional job (even though it would pay better) will make him miserable, than it's not fair for me to push him to do that. I want him to be happy. I try to guide him by telling him my concerns for him, but I did learn that day, that it's not fair for me to push him into something that I want if it's not want he wants.

[swampyankee]

Three simple things are the basis for a life-long love: Adoration, Admiration and Respect.

 

Always find things that you adore about your spouse and let them know. Don't hesitate to tell them when you find them attractive or cute or when you think they're looking sexy. I've seen plenty of elderly couples that still adore one another and even though sex is mostly over, they still have a twinkle in their eyes for one another, and the connection is still there.

 

Eventually couples find those little things that annoy one another and grate on each other's nerves. But if you can admire them for their best traits and keep them in your focus, the little niggly things won't be nearly as bothersome or annoying.

 

You must always respect your spouse, and let them know it in how you treat them. Once respect is gone from a relationship, it opens the door for bad treatment, insults, selfish responses and a whole gamut of destructive behavior.

 

These things might sound like platitudes to you, but they are the very things that were lacking in my marriage and, I believe, what led to its failure. I hung on as long as I could (30 yrs) but we lacked this foundation. It was only a matter of time before things fell apart or we grew into a bitter and resentful old couple.

[Lester]

Swampy's is a hard act to follow… Good stuff! I will add…

 

We all start out with the intention of being married for life… but it’s just not that easy. There are real forces tearing us apart. The relatively new, constant drumbeat of fun, fun, fun, now, now, now does not leave much room for maturing love.

 

Spouses should always be aware of the normal healthy passage of time. Hyper-fear of a life missed comes directly from the evil one. Staying tune with the bigger picture and not allowing your value as a human to be commoditized by marketeers is a great place to build a life long marriage.

 

Assuming a person took his/her time to find a compatible mate… a life long marriage requires hard work. Overfilling a marriage with stuff will rob you of the time that's needed.

 

PS, Being called a “consumer” are fighting words where I come from.

 

niggly?

[Snny]

For example, I was really onto him for a while about going back to college. Then one day he told me that he just can't see himself being happy stuck in an office all day in front of a computer. He said that he loves his job and loves working with his hands, doing heavy lifting and dirty sweaty work. I will never get why he likes that, but if it makes him happy and a more proffesional job (even though it would pay better) will make him miserable, than it's not fair for me to push him to do that.

Here's a question for him: What happens if he gets injured on or outside of the job and he is no longer able to do any weight lifting or physical labor as the business requires it? What would be Plan B when that happens since you would be the only one bringing in the main income because your man doesn't want to get an education? My dad who happens to be a firefighter captain is retiring early (he is able to continue working 10 extra year if he wants) because lifting 200+ lbs people and fire equipment for 25+ years is taking a toll on his back and he has sustained some injuries. All the firefighters I've known has ended up with some sort of permanent injury and it is mainly back injury because of the amount of lifting they are required to do. He is one of the lucky firefighters at his age to even make it to retirement due to the physical problems while a lot of the firefighters barely make it there. Your guy likes the job because he is young and is physically able to... but as he gets older or gets injured, he might not be able to continue it and it might leave you both stuck in a rut. Know what I'm saying? Having some sort of training or education will help him keep a job or make him marketable- our economy isn't stable and ANYBODY can be cut at any time these days no matter how hard of a worker you are.

 

Heavy physical labor jobs are not reliable for a long period of time and Social Security/retirement is so questionable for our generation right now. You get injured, then the company can find another young guy with more body strength to replace you; but an education can never be taken away. Not all college degrees require you to work in an office in a typical 5-8 weekday shift either. My fiance works in a hospital and I'm constantly on my feet at a private company though I have my own office.

 

 

Everyone has good point, especially the communication. I'm also going to add that getting to know your partner's flaws and seeing if they are tolerable helps. Making personal time for your partner while having a buy work schedule is very important. Sex is also important and is one of the main factors of divorce other than fiances. It's not a problem if you're young, but like Swampy mentioned... people do change as time goes. May want to have a talk about that issue too if it ever comes up later in life.

[OptomisticGirl]

To be fair, I know a lot of people who have college degrees and are working Manuel labor because for whatever reason, they can't get a job in their field. You don't HAVE to go to college in order to make good money.

[Snny]

To be fair, I know a lot of people who have college degrees and are working Manuel labor because for whatever reason, they can't get a job in their field. You don't HAVE to go to college in order to make good money.

Point taken. My point was that they have something to fall back on if it backfires because those jobs only last as long as your body does. An education can never be depleted and this economical recession is temporary until it smooths out. I'm speaking from personal observation of people who do hard physical labor such as working in the fire department... it's not easy and very few like my dad make it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I def think people should have back up plans but again, over half my graduating class has degrees and are working jobs like fast food, construction, retail. Only a hand full are actually doing what they got a degree in. I think if you know school isn't for you - like me - you just need a back up plan outside what your already doing. If I were to lose my job I have other skills from other jobs I could fall back on.

[Miss Kitty]

Thank you for sharing advice from so deep in your heart. I will certainly keep these things in mind. I agree that respect is very important because that seems to be part of why my parents don't get along. They don't have respect for each other. I certainly have found those little annoying things about him, but his good points far outweigh those little things.

[Miss Kitty]

He has talked about other jobs he'd maybe want to do. He's still young yet so deciding a career path is normal. He's only twenty-one, so it doesn't concern me that he doesn't have a definite career plan yet, since he's got a good job now.

 

I do know he has some flaws, but I think they are all ones I can live with. They're more things that annoy me. They aren't any moral issues or personality issues so that's good. We do work hard to make time for each other and once we are living together it will be easier. And I agree that sex is important. We are very into that at the moment, tee hee.

 

Thank you for the advice!

[Miss Kitty]

I def think people should have back up plans but again, over half my graduating class has degrees and are working jobs like fast food, construction, retail. Only a hand full are actually doing what they got a degree in. I think if you know school isn't for you - like me - you just need a back up plan outside what your already doing. If I were to lose my job I have other skills from other jobs I could fall back on.

 

 

He had a job in a five star hotel before he moved. He can fall back on that skill. I agree, skills can be important. If he were injured, he could even get an office job.

[OptomisticGirl]

Be prepared that everything isn't going to be all sunshine and roses once you live together. Relationships change once you move in together - both good and bad - and there are things you can't learn until you are living together.

[petite]

Fortunately I have been blessed with parents that have a wonderful marriage and I really look up to them and their continuous love and devotion to one another. I have seen marriages end in messy divorces, horribly split families and ruined lives, but thankfully have also seen plenty of people with really great marriages. I hope to have a good marriage and I think with hard work, communication, dedication, affection and of course love it can be achieved.

 

Keeping a marriage healthy and happy requires work and that it will not happen on its own. Marriages need nurturing, tending to, time and energy - people often forget that a marriage contains two human beings who both need to be appreciated, heard, valued and respected.

 

Keeping communication open is key - good communication requires both the ability to express and listen. Sweeping fights under the rug and thinking they'll magically resolve themselves is poor judgment. Resolving arguments as soon as they arises so you won’t have the same argument for the next fifty years, in different forms.

 

Remembering that you love your spouse; therefore, you want the best for her/him. Give her/him the benefit of the doubt when you feel angry, hurt or disappointed. Talk to your partner; don't make assumptions. Don't take your spouse for granted. Tell your partner every day something you appreciate about her/him and how grateful you are to have them in your life. Your spouse should never feel like your enemy. If they do, something is wrong; remember that you fell in love with this person. If there’s so much anger that you feel like you are enemies, it's time to get help somewhere as quickly as possible.

 

Always remember that you have the power to change behaviors in your marriage through different tools of self-discovery. You don’t have to stay stuck in unhealthy ruts.

Spend time talking to your partner at least 10-20 minutes every day without children, TV's or any other forms of interruption. Remember to pick your fights and that actions speak louder than words. No one has a perfect life or marriage, but if people are willing to make it work they can.