Newly divorced...how do I get back into the dating "game" again? How do I make

[Notagoodninja]

myself WANT to??

 

I have been divorced a month now. And at this point I'd honestly be happy being the crazy cat lady, haha...living by myself til I'm like 90 and chasing away neighbor kids with a stick

 

BUT I know I can't do that...

 

OBVIOUSLY I cannot get into a SERIOUS relationship or anything! And I have no desire...

 

But how do I get back in the game so to speak...? How do I force my butt out? What are some good dates? I don't even remember how to flirt...and what stinks is that now that I just turned 30 I feel old...that was the nice thing about growing old with someone is that you see each other as you met in your youth. Now I feel really old, I don't know what to do, but I can't die alone staring at my computer screen ya know? I def should get out. What do you ENA's think about 30 year olds, is that old? I look around and it seems like 99% of men look at women in their early or mid 20's nowadays (that is what I've been observing)

I do not even get checked out that often...so I am kinda slumping into a mild depression and I really need to shake myself out of my funk so it doesn't get worse.

Have any of you been divorced before or going through a hard break up...did you force yourself to go date again? What are some ways that you met people? How do you force yourself to be happy and confident when your self esteem is totally shot from the previous relationship? Any dating pointers?

 

I'm thin, I have worked out faithfully the past 6 weeks and def more toned. My hair is long but I am going to trim it up and try to curl it a little bit for more bounce. Ummm...I really don't know what else I can really do in the looks department. I am what I am...I do the best with what I've got...I'll never be 20 again...

 

How do I catch the attention of guys my own age when they are only looking at the much younger girls? I don't know how to compete with that, I feel defeated before I begin...

 

EVERYONE BE NICE TO ME no bashing OK. I am going through a hard time I just need encouragement and good advice!

[Notagoodninja]

Here's an example of what I am saying. At my gym today it happened to be all women in their 30's...and guys. All the women in their 30's had smoking hot bodies.

But one girl showed up late, she was very chubby but a beautiful face and about 18 or 19 years old. Every guy there stared at her, went over and sat by her, helped her with the equipment, fawned all over her...guys from the age of say 21 to 50...every eye was on her...the whole 90 minute work out...

Now I was OK with that, I feel defeated all the time lately anyway so I'm used to it *sigh, but those other women I could tell their feelings got hurt, I felt bad because they were all upper 30's and so I knew they felt even worse than I did since I just turned 30. Am I old now? Too old to be wanted/desired?

[Notagoodninja]

(Keep in mind also, I am not hitting on nor checking out anyone under 30...seriously. All the guys under 30 feel super young to be even though some are around my own age. But it is a hard pill to swallow when guys 30-50 aren't even giving me the time of day when I am younger than they are!) To me it doesn't make any sense, I feel better now, my body is more lean and toned than a couple years ago, I got more attractive not less attractive in the last 2 years...but ever since I hit 29 people stopped paying attention to me. And now by 30 I am just flat out ignored. So I can only think it's cause of having low self esteem issues from my ex husband? Do I just ooze out self hate lol grrrr

[tiredofvampires]

Well, for starters, you could start thinking of yourself as "30" -- your true age -- rather than "55" (which it says under your avatar as your age.) That will right away start feeling a lot younger! Thinking you're that old and putting it out there'll age ya fast!

 

And you'll probably feel a lot more feminine if you think of yourself as "female", rather than "male", which is also under your avatar rather confusingly.

 

Added together, at 30, as a woman, I think your chances are really good! You're still a baby.

 

There are a lot of guys in your age bracket who are in your boat and looking for same.

[abitbroken]

It could be that the guys noticed the younger woman because she was responding to them, she walked in smiling and bright, or she was the new face there. They could have already been rejected by the 30 year old women or know some are married - or more so, some people are exercising and are in their "zone" and in their own little world. They also could be there to seriously exercise and are not returning glances, etc. And if they are all "smoking hot" maybe they are slightly intimidating. Anyway, just saying part of it could be your perception only.

 

Don't feel under pressure to start dating right away. Even if your divorce has been a long time in coming (i don't know), it can take time. I honestly wouldn't worry about dating. I would simply focus on your own healing, and get to know yourself as a single woman. When I was newly divorced I started going to a meetup group that liked to try new restaurants (not a "singles" group, but just to get to know new people). I started volunteering again and I also went to places that I loved and my ex hated. I started feeling like myself again. I stopped comparing myself to others and just did things I wanted to do. I went back to doing bible study, book groups, and I had time to do a class with my dog, etc, with no one insulting me about every little thing.

 

Also, I noticed that I had long neglected myself. I started wearing makeup again (nothing too garish, just a little bit), i started getting dressed down to putting my shoes on every day even if I wasn't going anywhere just in case I did, and bought a few inexpensive new items for my wardrobe to update myself. And I did it for me, not guys. It was the new year/new me/new life thing.

 

I would honestly wait and not pressure myself - if you get asked out, you get asked out, but I wouldn't focus on it. Not yet.

[thejigsup]

First of all, I am 55 and I am not old in thought, word, or deed. I am still hot, still active, and as one of my best friends says, "still pretty easy on the eyes". My bf died a few months ago and I have no desire to date at all, I may in the future or I may not, it doesn't really matter to me right now. But, men still flirt with me all the time. Why? It's because I think I'm still a catch and I have tons of self confidence. Men love that. I don't waste my time comparing myself to young girls and I don't want to start. I think I'm pretty neat just the way I am, and judging from how men treat me, so do they. It's all in your attitude.

[Notagoodninja]

Well, for starters, you could start thinking of yourself as "30" -- your true age -- rather than "55" (which it says under your avatar as your age.) That will right away start feeling a lot younger! Thinking you're that old and putting it out there'll age ya fast!

 

And you'll probably feel a lot more feminine if you think of yourself as "female", rather than "male", which is also under your avatar rather confusingly.

 

Added together, at 30, as a woman, I think your chances are really good! You're still a baby.

 

There are a lot of guys in your age bracket who are in your boat and looking for same.

 

 

haha yeah I got in a little mood the other night & changed it...but yeah I spose I should change that but I am not looking to get picked up on Enotalone lol I doubt anybody would want me on here anyway with all my problems and failures haahah

This is a great place to come to be real and vent!!! But we all know each others deep dark secrets, haha

 

Anyway thanks for saying I am still a baby you made my day!

[Notagoodninja]

Thanks so much for sharing your story.thoughts/ how long were you married?

[Notagoodninja]

First of all, I am 55 and I am not old in thought, word, or deed. I am still hot, still active, and as one of my best friends says, "still pretty easy on the eyes". My bf died a few months ago and I have no desire to date at all, I may in the future or I may not, it doesn't really matter to me right now. But, men still flirt with me all the time. Why? It's because I think I'm still a catch and I have tons of self confidence. Men love that. I don't waste my time comparing myself to young girls and I don't want to start. I think I'm pretty neat just the way I am, and judging from how men treat me, so do they. It's all in your attitude.

 

omg you sound like you really have super high confidence i need to move where you are, and go hang out! lol

how did you learn to be confident like that?

[abitbroken]

Thanks so much for sharing your story.thoughts/ how long were you married?

 

married for 4 years, together for 12.

[Notagoodninja]

married for 4 years, together for 12.

 

Oh wow. What happened? How long have you been apart? Did he cheat?

[EmmaB78]

Ninja, if it helps at all, I am 33, fairly average looking, even a little chubby, and I still get plenty of dates. Sure, it's not the same kind of attention I got in my 20s, but really, you are psyching yourself out. Some of my dates have been in their 20s as well - though I agree that most guys in their 20s aren't really worth pursuing once you're in your 30s; however, it has more to do with different life situations than with them not being attracted to slightly older women.

[Notagoodninja]

Ninja, if it helps at all, I am 33, fairly average looking, even a little chubby, and I still get plenty of dates. Sure, it's not the same kind of attention I got in my 20s, but really, you are psyching yourself out. Some of my dates have been in their 20s as well - though I agree that most guys in their 20s aren't really worth pursuing once you're in your 30s; however, it has more to do with different life situations than with them not being attracted to slightly older women.

 

 

OK so you confident ladies NEED to PM me, lol...I don't know how you do it. I NEVER get asked out...........soooooo weird. I don't know if I am putting out some "stay away" vibe

I don't FEEL confident but when I walk through the mall I think I have a guy attitude which may be a turn off

ive always been a tough girl since I was little...I mean I LOOK like a girl but i just act tough, like i shoot guns and im a tom boy so I am more of a tough kind of person I guess I do NEED a man but i portray that I am a strong woman who doesn't...

i dont know!!! i wish i knew!

[ellezorycats]

my live in man that i thought i would be with forever (if you're a grammar freak, me too, but just typing) turned out to be cheating with a married filipina. with three kids. for ten months. hard to take a hit like that, but BOUNCE BACK and own your history. also, experiment. not in a dangerous way, but think abt what YOU want. may be you want romance, may be you want to explore fantasies. think abt what really turns you on instead of boxing yourselfin. im not talking , i just mean, ifya want to wear stockings and a short skirt, do it. OWN IT. or if yr sexy in a hoodie, same diff.