I am not sure how to interpret this

[phoebe33]

Hello everyone. I am finding it very difficult after my last relationship to take things at face value and am having trouble interpretting this new 'relationship' that seems to be developing.

 

I met a man six weeks ago through a friend. We connected instantly although he is not my usual type. He lives 150 miles from me and has been to visit me several times since we first met. He texts me and/or calls me every day. I do like him but at first I was just taking it as a casual thing however last week he phoned me and was unusually serious in his tone and asked me if I like him and would I be loyal to him. I asked him what this was about and he told me that he has developed feelings for me. He said that I tick all the appropriate boxes and that he feels that I could be the one he wants to commit to but that he doesn't feel as if he can do that right now as he basically only came out of a 2 year relationship a couple of weeks before we met. He said he likes me and thinks about me all the time and that because he cares he doesn't want to jump into something until he doesn't feel so newly single in case he changes his mind and ends up hurting me. He is a very frank and blunt person and answered everything I asked him brutally honestly. We ended up having a two hour conversation about our wants and needs and I admit that afterwards I was still unclear about what he wants. I told him to tell me straight if he was blowing me out and he said no way... Being the sort of person I am, I would throw caution to the wind if I felt that I liked someone regardless of how long I had been single but I do recogise that other people may not feel that way. I am wondering if he means that although he cannot commit now, he will be williing to in the future.

.

I am spending my birthday weekend with him and his friends and I do not want to push further and push him away yet I would like to know where I stand. Should I take what he has said at face value or am I being played? I really like this man a lot and I will wait if that's what he needs but at the same time I don't want to be waiting when he has no intention of anything more solid happening between us.

 

My last relationship was abusive and I do have some trust issues. In this regard, I find myself giving people the benefit of the doubt and possibly overcompensating for my insecurities and ending up being a bit naive. I am quite confused. It feels very right between us, yet friends of mine have told me I am obviously being played. Any help would be gladly received.

[Snny]

Ok... chill out and look at it this way: he is not treating you like a rebound. I highly doubt you are being played for THAT reason unless he is in contact with his ex or another girl on the side. He has communicated that the next relationship he would want is a commitment, but he is not emotionally ready to jump into an official one yet. This is his way of saying "I need some space and time to think my feelings over before I can move on with you."

 

The fact that he told you that you are constantly on his mind is a GOOD sign. If he wants companionship, then don't close the door on it. Go with the flow and he will let you know when he's ready. If you don't want to wait on this guy... continue dating around. But because he is at a distance... I suggest continue searching but still remain contact with him. LDRs take a huge commitment anyway and that also might be stopping him for the time being.

 

My other suggestion... never compare your past relationship to your current one. This is a different person you are dealing with. your pluses with this man are these:

 

1. He's brutally honest and doesn't hold back

2. He says you are on his mind

3. He wants a committed relationship.

4. He isn't treating you like a rebound.

 

People who play others wouldn't do what this man is doing. He's being careful and has enjoyed your companionship. They would jump right into it for self gratification.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

only came out of a 2 year relationship a couple of weeks before we met.

 

Sounds to me like a classic rebound. Rebounders often get very intense very quickly in a new relationship and then just as suddenly put on the brakes. In 6 weeks he has come to see you several times and is calling every day. Rebounders do that kind of thing because they basically transfer the habits they got used to being in a relationship to someone else. They can't handle the loss so they fill the gap with someone else. Basically what he did was he dangled the carrot (telling you that he has feelings) so that you would grab it...and then did the fake honesty thing by saying he is not ready for anything serious. This guy is in no position to be dating anyone. If you proceed with this you will likely get very hurt.

[phoebe33]

Thanks Snny.

 

 

I have actually made myself go out on a date purely for the reasons you gave. However, it felt wrong as if I was being unfaithful. I am not able to concentrate and focus on more than one person, which is why I don't do very well with dating I suppose.

 

He told me that he is in contact with his ex - she moved to his town to be with him and so they have mutual friends. However he has told me that although he isn't devoid of feelings for her, he will never get back together with her.

 

Some things he says make me think he is obviously interested as you said, but other things make me wonder... for example I helped him over the telephone with a computer issue yesterday and I managed to solve the problem, he thanked me and said what a great pal I am... strangely his friend then called me and told me how awesome I am and how I should marry his friend lol. I know thats just boys being boys and having a laugh but at the same time I feel that if he is telling his friends so much about me that also is a good sign.

 

 

[phoebe33]

Thank you crazyaboutdogs.

 

Yes I see that could be the case. Yet I can also see where Snny is coming from... oh it's all so confusing. I think I will wait and see what happens on my birthday weekend. Argh!

[Snny]

Crazy, I missed that part. You're right. On the hopeful he might have realized it and wanted things to cool down. Like I said... continue to date around if this guy isn't going to.

[chitown9]

The saying "Time will tell" is applicable here. I hope it works out for you, but no one has a crystal ball...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Danger Danger! This man moved on way too quickly and he hasn't had time to process the end of his relationship. He just jumped straight to the first person who showed interest in him (you). This has rebound written all over it. Of course he tells you that he will never get back together with her...because if he told you there might be a possibility of that then you might not date him. Words mean nothing. Many people claim they will never get back with an ex and then they do. As for your birthday, even if he does something amazing for you, that doesn't necessarily mean he is over his ex and totally committed to you. His inner feelings are what really matter, not the outer show...and nobody is really privvy to another person's inner feelings. Lots of people fake their way through relationships, doing all the right things, but they do not FEEL the deep connection. The bottom line is that this guy moved on way too quickly after the break up and hasn't had time to sort things out in his head.

[phoebe33]

Well crazyaboutdogs, I'm not really so sure. He HASN'T jumped into anything with me and explained the reasons why he can't and won't - basically because he needs to sort things out in his head first. The reason I posted here for advice was because I wonder if someone would say 'I can't be with you yet, but I will soon' and not mean it. If he was rebounding then surely we would be together already? I'm a heart led person and so I find it difficult to understand people who need to sort things out in their head. For me, it's a case of we both like each other, let's go and see where it takes us.

 

It's quite difficult as you say to know what people are feeling but their actions and words are a pointer to a great extent. I really don't know how else I should judge the situation. One things for sure, relationships get more difficult as you get older! lol

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, he has indeed jumped into things with you....he started off very intense even though he wants casual. That's what rebounders do...very often they say "I just want to date casually, no relationship"...in other words, what they want is the "feel good" feelings of having a new romantic interest to focus on, plus sex, without the commitment of a relationship. This way they don't have to truly be alone sorting out their feelings..they get the perks of a relationship without the commitment.

[chickydoodle]

I think crazy'bout dogs is spot on in her assessment.

 

listen to your INSTINCT. I think alarm bells are going off for you, but you are trying to ignore them?

 

You dont need another complicated relationship esp after what you've been thru'. Dont repeat a pattern. Go with your Gut.