Some sort of game or what?

[Amandaf32199]

My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. A short time in the realm of relationships it seems, but we had an intense relationship. We were actually engaged to be married, although there was really no rush to get married. The problems started with his job. He worked nights, 12 hours shifts, and spending time together seemed like a constant battle. I wanted to spend more time with him, and he couldn't. I eventually got used to his schedule though. Then about 4 months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. He was ecstatic, although scared and nervous like any new father to be. My pregnancy quickly became complicated, and I had a miscarriage a few weeks later. The day I had the miscarriage, I tried calling him for hours, and even got in touch with his best friend to see if he could get in touch with him. Eventually my b/f called and I told him what happened. Instead of calling in sick to work and being there for me when I needed him desperately, he went to work. Two days later..he called in sick to work because he had a headache. That caused a lot of pain and hurt for me, and we started fighting a lot. He started becoming more and more distant towards me and kept saying it was because of stress. We went on a weekend away together, and that's when he asked me to marry him.

 

About a month and a half ago, things went downhill quickly. He would barely say a word to me, and when I asked him what was wrong, he just kept saying he had nothing to say. We eventually sat down and I found out that he was having A LOT of financial problems that was really stressing him out. He told me that's why he'd been so quiet, why we hadn't been intimate in over a month, and why we haven't been spending a lot of time together. Because he couldn't afford to drive to my house as much as he'd like. We stopped talking as much, and our conversations started feeling forced at times. Then, he had stayed at work overnight on his day off because he had to get up early the next day for an interview and didn't want to drive back home, sleep, then drive back to the same town (he works 2 hours from his house). I had asked him if he would stay the night with me again soon, and he never answered me. I sent him a message asking why he was ignoring me. Still got no reply. The next evening, I was talking to his best friend who basically told me if I didn't like how my b/f was, then I needed to get lost, that I wasn't going to change him and that there was no fixing the relationship. A few moments later, my b/f sends me a text saying he just wanted to be friends. That he was under too much stress to deal with the stress from our relationship as well. He said maybe someday down the road we might get back together, but not before he got his life back together.

 

We've hung out a few times since then, I've gone to his place twice, and we've gone out to a movie with his brother too. He swears he just wants to be friends, but he still looks at me the same way he did when we were together, occasionally tries to hold my hand, even though I haven't let him. And still picks on me relentlessly (in a playful manner) like he did when we were dating. We haven't kissed, haven't been intimate, or anything like that. It's just small little signs that say he still loves me. He even says he still loves me, but insists on just being friends. He says he has no idea what he wants for us, that he has no idea if we'll ever get back together, but he does hope that we do.

 

My problem is, I can't get over him while he does these things. How do I tell him to stop without completely losing him as a friend? I don't want to lose him as a friend, because he is a good person, and has a kind heart. He's the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off of his back, his last bite of food, and the last penny from his bank if you needed it. I want to desperately get over him, but as long as he keeps sending these mixed signals, I can't. I love him more than he'll ever know, but I can't keep feeling the way I do cause it's killing me deep inside. Should I tell him these things, and let him know that as long as he keeps doing this, I can't move on. He's told me to move on, he's told me that if I found someone else, he'd be ok with it as long as I was happy. That it wouldn't bother him. It hurt me to hear him say that, but I can see his point of view. He thinks I shouldn't wait around for him to get his life together, but the truth is..I don't want to be with anyone else anytime soon. It wouldn't be good for me, and definitely wouldn't be good for the other person involved.

 

I'm just really confused and hurt by his behavior. Any advice on how to handle this is appreciated. Not being friends would hurt me more, so completely cutting him from my life isn't really an option.

[DN]

What are these financial problems that he has and why does he have them if he has been working so hard?

[tyr72]

My problem is, I can't get over him while he does these things

[/Quote]

 

No, you're right you can't. You are still much too close to the relationship and the breakup to be friends. You need to distance yourself from him and move on. I'm not saying that you can't ever be friends with him, but now is not the time. You need time to regroup, and shift your perception of him from "Lover" to "Friend". Only when that happens will you be able to have a friendship with him that doesn't cross unhealthy boundaries for you into relationship.

[DylanNotorious]

He's not sending you mixed messages. He may still give you those longing looks, but he's made it pretty clear that he's not available for a relationship. If you want to hang out with him, then these little types of things will be the side-effects. You will just have to either ignore it, or stop hanging out with him if it's confusing you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Although you're saying that it's not an option, trying to remain friends at this point is not a wise choice. It sounds like he's being honest as far as the relationship not working. Also, he may feel overwhelmed at how fast this relationship progressed, as in getting engaged, a pregnancy, and financial problems, all in a six month period.

 

I would take a step back, and work on healing yourself first and foremost.