How do I proceed with 'bad timing'?

[Cen]

I've been dating this girl for the past 6 or 7 weeks (probably 12 dates so far) and things had been going pretty great up until last week when we were out on a date, having fun, and then we unexpectedly passed by her ex boyfriend on the street. Their very brief story is they were together for 8 months, he dumped her this past spring, and she wasn't expecting it. I could tell she was kind've derailed from seeing him that night, but we proceeded with the date - it took a while for her to snap out of it all the way but by the end of the night we were seemingly back to normal, holding hands, kissing etc.... She came back with me to my place (as was the plan beforehand) and we had sex, which I let her take the initiative on that evening. However, afterwards I got up and went to the back, come back to my room and she's standing there all dressed with her bag and tells me shes gonna stay at home that night instead. Long story short here I gingerly called her out on being so uncomfortable about seeing her ex, and saying that I'm not looking to just fill a void for someone and she needs to think about how she wants things to continue, I was defensive a bit but fair and really just wanted to understand what was going on while remaining fair to myself.

 

Over the next 5 or 6 days I heard from her sporadically, she sent me a couple pics of her in a halloween costume, basically she was keeping up some level of contact. We eventually agreed to meet up a couple of nights ago and talk. Which started with about an hour and a half of 'regular date' goofing around and acting normal, and then we went for a walk after for the real talk. she pretty much opened with a big apology about everything that happened last week - and that I am so many of things she looks for in a partner and she has real feelings for me. It really wasn't so much about her running into her ex, it more sounded like that was the final push over the fulcrum she's been sitting on in her life/career right now. She said she feels kind of lost, she's busy and trying to figure things out, not entirely sure about her current path in grad school - which is what shes devoting most of her time to. I think she used the term 'rudderless'. It felt to me that she was being completely honest about her feelings for me, and about her current position of feeling lost in her life, I had been picking up on that beforehand anyways. But she doesn't feel that it is fair to continue right now because she doesn't think she has the mental capacity to approach a relationship fairly, yes she doesn't want to just end contact...?

 

I told her I'm not going to be able to/don't want to just be friends with her, and she felt the same about me, I also said I wasn't going to wait around for her - but I think she is a wonderful and special girl, and I'm not sure what to make of this ambiguous ending. The night ended with us making out at her car for a long time and struggling to leave one another, which I finally just turned around and left. Then the NEXT night she texts me that she 'just wanted to say hi. hi' ... ?

 

as far as I understood it, we're over, except I don't feel in my gut like this is what she really believes which puts me in a really difficult position. She sounds really confused about so many things right now, and I don't know how I should proceed with that? If it holds any weight, i am 28, and she is 29. ALSO she just texted me while wrapping up this post something funny about an event she is at out of state.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think you want to hear or admit this, but I don't think she's very into you. She recognizes you are good to her, but her feelings aren't there. I would cut all contact and do your best to move on.

[AngelAmber]

she does sound confused and also like she doesnt want to aknowledge the fact that ur over, she proberbly regrets that and wishes she could change it, she sounds like she has good intentions and does care about u, but take it from me, iv just been in a very similar situation with my ex bf and as good as their intentions are, there is nothing that can change bad timing! go NC even though its hard to be sure that that is the right thing to do becuase u ended things amicably, it is the right thing to do, the best thing for u and for her, and when she sorts out her life maybe u both will resume contact, but for now dont think about that and just live ur life for u, and move on even though it sucks and its hard.

 

I wish i had someone to tell me this when i was in ur position. clearly i stuck around with my ex and went straight into the friends zone with him, even though he still kept treating me and interacting with me as if i was still his gf. which in my heart i was. and now iv wasted a year ...hes still not ready... still doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. Im now in 2 weeks of NC.

Goodluck Cen, I hope this helps a bit

[Cen]

I don't think you want to hear or admit this, but I don't think she's very into you. She recognizes you are good to her, but her feelings aren't there. I would cut all contact and do your best to move on.

 

Well i left out the details of our dating dynamic before this point, she has many times said things to me like "i really like you, theres something about you" "you make me blush/smile" "i feel so comfortable with you" "hey, im thinking about you just wanted to say so" etc... all unprovoked. I'm fine with admitting when someone isn't into me, but my gut is telling me (as is she) that this isn't the case with her. Maybe i'm still wrong, the reality is she put the wedge into the situation so I guess I should remember that. She contacts me every day pretty much since we had our first date. I mean, when i've been 'dating' a girl that i'm not entirely into I certainly don't so those types of things, or contact them daily.. it wouldn't even occur to me to do so.. ?

[John3572]

It sucks because she is obviously not over him and\or their breakup yet. I've dated and fell for someone that is hung up on a breakup or on someone else and that is not fair to you. You will never have all of that person unless and until they get over that person. Don't give 100% of yourself and get 50% back. It's not fair to you. Sure she'll soak up your attention because she does like you but she'll still be going through her breakup. If she got that jarred by seeing her ex she's not ready to start dating someone yet. I'm not saying that you're being led on but be careful.

[AngelAmber]

I don't think you want to hear or admit this, but I don't think she's very into you. She recognizes you are good to her, but her feelings aren't there. I would cut all contact and do your best to move on.

Cen, I agree as well with what Ms Darcy is saying, as my ex also recently said something similar to me. although he said he does have feelings for me but to him it seems like he cant access them for some reason. i assume they must not be very strong feelings then. So Definatly go NC

 

[LaKings55]

I would say she's not into it. Best to avoid being a rebound, and keeping up LC will not do either of you any favors. Just cut contact and move on. If you must say anything tell her it was great getting to know her, you understand where she's coming from and you agree that it isn't a great idea to pursue anything. Wish her luck and that's that.

[Cen]

Thanks Amber. Yeah it is difficult to just suddenly pull NC, but I realize it makes sense.. I'm not going to allow myself to be friend zoned with this, and continuing contact just doesn't really add up to anything except discomfort (unless she snaps out of it, but i dont think people actually do that). Its hard when she keeps contacting me, I never give in and initiate contact - i'm good at keeping up that practice, but when she contacts me I just want to respond..

[annie24]

I read this and wonder what the real story is. I wonder if, after the date where she saw her ex, if he contacted her. Exes like to do that when they see you are moving on (and he did see her out on a date!!) I wonder if he is now making some moves towards reconciliation, but things are still up in the air and she is using 'grad school' as her excuse for being distant. hmmm.... sorry, my mind is wandering. i don't think you're getting the whole story, i think she is distancing herself from you, while she figures out what is going on (i wonder if the ex is indeed contacting her again). it's very hard to tell. i would protect your heart.

[Cen]

I read this and wonder what the real story is. I wonder if, after the date where she saw her ex, if he contacted her. Exes like to do that when they see you are moving on (and he did see her out on a date!!) I wonder if he is now making some moves towards reconciliation, but things are still up in the air and she is using 'grad school' as her excuse for being distant. hmmm.... sorry, my mind is wandering. i don't think you're getting the whole story, i think she is distancing herself from you, while she figures out what is going on (i wonder if the ex is indeed contacting her again). it's very hard to tell. i would protect your heart.

Actually the guy DID text her as soon as we got to the bar we were walking to that night, but she didn't respond. When we had our 'serious' talk a few nights ago she told me on her own that she hasn't been in contact with him. The little I know of their situation it sounded like it ended badly, and she is not interested in talking to him or anything like that.. I also know she had a 'hindsight' realization about how unsettled she felt in that relationship, not sure exactly for what reasons but I've been in one of those myself - they're a tornado that takes a long time to separate yourself from.

[annie24]

The contact from that guy could have brought that "tornado" of emotions back. Oh well, you do deserve someone who is going to be more into you. Who knows - maybe you backing off and giving her space might give her time to think and sort out her life. then again, you might meet someone better too - a girl who is going to be crazy about you!

[TheLizard134]

Sounds like she is rebounding with you, I went through the same thing and it shattered me. It only lasted 5 months, now 4 months out and I am still twisted.

 

Take my advice, from my experience. Shut her out for a while, hopefully you can get over her and move on. Give up hope on her and let her go. My situation was that I kept hope, trying to figure it out, etc. . . It just keeps me locked up and I can't move on. It is getting better, but 4 months of sleepless nights and 20 lbs of weight dropped sucks.

[Ms Darcy]

It sucks because she is obviously not over him and\or their breakup yet. I've dated and fell for someone that is hung up on a breakup or on someone else and that is not fair to you. You will never have all of that person unless and until they get over that person.

 

This. This is what I mean by not that into you. IF seeing her ex brings all these emotions back and she suddently has to tone things down with you, it's best for YOU to move on.

 

Cen, I agree as well with what Ms Darcy is saying, as my ex also recently said something similar to me. although he said he does have feelings for me but to him it seems like he cant access them for some reason. i assume they must not be very strong feelings then. So Definatly go NC

 

 

Thanks Angel Amber. Angel if that is you in your pic, your ex-bf is an idiot. Good luck to you!

[motley802]

The contact from that guy could have brought that "tornado" of emotions back. Oh well, you do deserve someone who is going to be more into you. Who knows - maybe you backing off and giving her space might give her time to think and sort out her life.

 

This. Back off completely for a week or two. Give her space and time. And may be checking in casually to see how things are going (after NC for 2 weeks)?

 

 

If she wants to avoid her ex completely from her life then I don't think it will take time to sort things out.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation where you started dating someone whom you liked a lot but your ex jumped into life and created emotional wreck. How did you deal it? I'm curious to know

[AngelAmber]

Thanks Angel Amber. Angel if that is you in your pic, your ex-bf is an idiot. Good luck to you!

haha yea it is me ah You totally made my day Ms Darcy thanks honey!