foolish1985 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Hello there. First post here and it turned out to be a loooooooooooooooooooong one. Hope you have the patience to read it all. I've talked with a lot of friends and received various advice and ideas of a likely outcome, but wanted to receive an advice from people that don't know me or her. It's kind of a long story if I start going into details, so I will try and keep it as short as possible and if more details are needed, I will be happy to provide them. I am a 26 year old male. The girl in question is only 19. We've been together for 1,5 years. I will use months and approximate dates just to make the story clearer. 2 years ago I went out of a 6 year relationship with a girl. I had my thoughts about going out of it for quite some time and finally started gaining confidence in doing it. We split up at the end of February. 1 month before we split up (end of January), I met this girl in a bar. She didn't give me much info other than her name, but I searched for her and managed to find her. Started chatting and she turned up to be great! Couldn't wait to go back home and chat with her every night. And even during the day. After several weeks (beginning of March), she started coming onto me, but I had just ended the 6 year relationship and didn't feel comfortable being with another woman yet. Things started going deeper as she started blaming me for various things like "I am not feeling well and you want to go to sleep?". Things that she may be able to blame me for if we were dating. But we weren't at the time. We had met up only once and the rest of the communication was via SMS or Chat. So I stepped back and didn't communicate for a week or so. She wrote to me but I was brief. I just wanted her to cool down and realize that we are not dating and that she is requesting things from me that I can not provide at that point of a friendship. She was writing me constantly. Chasing me. Telling me that I am the one she wants. And I really wanted her too, but wasn't feeling ready yet. In the middle of April, we started going out more often but she continued pushing me into a relationship. I wasn't nudging. I was stupid enough to answer the questions she had about my EX while we were still in the "hang-out" phase. Wanted to be honest with her from the start. This was going to get back at me HARD in the long-run. In the beginning of May, she was so desperate, that she started dating someone else, just because I wasn't doing anything. At that time, not knowing that she had started dating someone, I decided to actually do something, but later realized what she had done. She was trying to contact me all the time. In the middle of May, I went to her and kissed her. We started seeing each other secretly but she was still with that other guy. We kept at it for a month. She didn't seem sure what to do. She has a really hard time making decisions in general. In the middle of June, she decided to dump him and start dating me. We started dating but my previous relationship was in the way all the time. Mostly the things I had said. My EX was going out with my friends, because for 6 years, they had become her friends too. So if I wanted to go out with someone, I had to be in the presence of my EX. My new girlfriend didn't like that at all. She became angry every time she heard her name. Made up stories in which I was with my EX when I was actually at home. She as super insecure. This is where my mistake was. I didn't find it bad or strange to go out and communicate with my EX at the time. This loop was going on for several months. I was sent on guilt trips all the time. She was doing stupid things and was justifying herself with things that I had said and done at a previous point. She was also refusing to talk live. All the serious talks were over the phone or over Chat. She was avoiding live confrontation at all times. I think that she didn't feel comfortable enough talking about such things live. And a serious talk over the phone or Chat is simply not serious. Things are misunderstood because of the lack of body language, emotion and intonation. I was the first man in her life. Both sexually and love-like. She hadn't loved before and she told me that she loves me before we even started dating regularly. She was making everything in a way that I will enjoy it even if it made her unhappy. But I am not a selfish person. I am happy whenever the person next to me is happy. And I could see that she wasn't doing the thing she would like to do but the thing she though I would like to do. Even during our intimate moments, I could see her in pain and would stop to ask her what is wrong and how can I make it better. She was just waving on and saying "I'll be fine. Go on.". Just because she was afraid that I would get mad. And I did get mad, but not because she was in paint and would maybe want to stop, but because she was not being honest with me. So we were in a constant bad circle. She would keep things away from me because she though that I would act in a certain way and get mad (even though the situation was new and she had no idea how I would react), and I would get mad because of it. I acted out and did things that I wouldn't normally do just to make a point and show her that this is not the right way. This was my other mistake, because when I acted out, I did and said terrible things which aimed to hurt her. After 8 months of a relationship with the guild trips from her side and the "lesson teaching" from mine and her's as well, I made the mistake and cheated on her. It happened at the end of April (next year from previous April mentioned). And to make things worse, I cheated on her with my EX. And since she was constantly on the lookout for my communication with my EX, she sat on my computer and discovered a chat in which we discussed that we had cheated. At this point she broke down. She didn't know what to do. She loved me and I begged and explained that it was a mistake and just a sexual thing. She was constantly sad. I did everything I could to be right next to her at this time. She started talking about how I should break up any contact with my EX. Then I acted like this is impossible and can not be done because we shared friends. After she found out that I had cheated, I knew that there is a chance that I might loose her and I realized how much I love her in reality. Something I hadn't realized till then. I still didn't realize tho, that my contact with my EX was really not right and she had every right to blame me for it and ask me to stop. A couple of weeks after she found out, I met my ex during my lunch break and decided to catch-up. We sat on a bench in the park and a friend of my GF saw us and told her. I didn't want to tell her that I men my EX, because she would overreact. When I didn't tell her, she told me that she knew. I then confessed but she was too angry that I had lied again. And again the lie was connected to my EX. I am not a liar. Really. I am not. That's why I always confess if someone tells me they know I am lying. But in this relationship I got caught up in covering my contacts with my EX, because my GF was always over-reacting. After this we tried to move along but she was constantly rubbing my adultery in my face. Whenever there was and argument that she was losing, in ended with "At least I didn't cheat". This was really bothering me. My mistake, being rubbed into my face all the time. Not being able to have a conversation without it coming up. After I told her that this is not the way to forget about this, she stopped. We had our ups and downs but I thought that we were slowly making progress. She did stupid things and gave stupid excuses, but had the "you cheated on me" card so I couldn't confront her in a normal way and she got away with it almost every time. Things like people texting her and some other men posting kisses, hugs and signs of affection on her Facebook wall, and she replying to them accordingly. We had this one conversation (Mid-September) before things went downhill, which I think may be the real cause of the break-up-to-be, where she asked "Are you ready for the concert in 2 months (end of November)." "2 months are a long period of time" "What do you want to say?" "Nothing. I am just telling you that a lot of things can happen in two months." "Do you want to break up with me?" "No, I am just telling you that 2 months are a long time" "You want to break up with me. "No I don't. But at some point, we will break up, unless we marry" It all came down to Mid-September. Something happened in a flash. She got secretive, started hiding things and grew apart. One day, she came to me and I knew that something wasn't right. After I asked her "what is wrong?", she said that everything was fine. We had an argument about this, because I knew she was hiding something. A couple of days later, a friend of mine told me that he saw her with some other guy having coffee and holding hands for a brief time while going to their table (at that same day when she came to me acting different). I confronted her. She asked what do I know, where do I know it from and after she knew that I didn't have concrete evidence - she denied. I started putting up pieces and the argument went on for the next couple of days. She was distant. I could feel it. I knew that it was her my friend saw by the way she reacted. Not by the things he had told me. During one of our conversations, she mentioned (and I think that this was one of the few real things she told me) our conversation from before. That I had told her that we will break up eventually and she didn't want to turn out like my EX. Single after a 6 year relationship. That she wanted to date guys now, when everyone wanted her. While she was still young. Several days later, she decided that we need to "take a break, because I still can't forget that you cheated on me and all the lies regarding your EX". I did not agree with that, but went on with it. She seemed really worried when she said that. Sad even. I knew that this wasn't simply a break and there was something going on. During this "break", she stopped picking up her phone after 9PM and made stupid excuses. We were fighting every time we got in touch via chat or telephone. I knew that there was someone else and was saying it all the time, but she was denying. She was telling me how she misses me and how she loves me. She wrote to me once that she is afraid if we didn't mess up everything. At the end of the 2 week break, we were supposed to meet up. We didn't. She thought of an excuse for us to not to. Said that I had behaved bad the previous way and she didn't want us to argue again. We continued the break for another week. During the 3 week break, we were in constant contact. At the end of the 3rd week, I already knew what was about to happen and was feeling helpless, because there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I went to her. She hugged me. Grabbed my hand and led me into her room. We sat on the bed and I said "just say it". She then said it. That she couldn't forget what I had done and she thought that at this point, it would be good for both of us to just break up. I was crushed. Even though I had expected it, I never believed it would happen. She told me how she loved me and will not forget me and how she hopes that someday she will be able to forgive and forget, and hopes that I will be willing to take her back when this happens. I knew that this is not the only thing but that's all she said. I started to leave, but she asked me to stay for a little while. I then said that this can not happen. I can not be in touch with her if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love her still. She then got sad. When I told her that this will be the last time she will hear from me. I stayed for an hour or so. During this time, I explained to her how during this 3 week break without her I had realized my mistakes, that I had not been right when I wanted to stay in touch with my EX and that I really loved her more than I thought I do. She said that she doesn't believe me and that she is hurt from what I had done 6 months ago. I started leaving. She hugged me hard, kissed me and told me to call her when I get back. I then left. I went home and didn't call but she did. We talked for an hour or so. I explained to her that she should have come to me so we could have resolved this. I told her to think about it and then went to sleep. We then kept in touch for the whole week. I was constantly telling her how I am miserable without her and how I realize what I had done and how I haven't been right in acting this way with her. She didn't seem to take my words into consideration. She said that it's her decision for now. I then found out that she is dating someone else. A same guy that had been sending her kisses on her Facebook wall some few months ago (June. After she had found out) and for which I had asked her, and she didn't seem interested in. She denied that she is dating someone else. I presume that she didn't want to become the bad one. Breaking up with me for someone else. She wanted to keep the blame on me and what I had done. I then found concrete proof that she was dating him and she didn't deny. When I confronted her, she just said that she is Sad and he didn't have any fault. It was all me. I told her that I need a definite answer. Is she considering giving me a second chance or not, because if she didn't I had to continue forward. She did everything not to give me a definite answer. She always said "this is my decision at this point". When I replied "then I will have to forget you", she answered "as you wish.". We've been broken up for almost 3 weeks now. She says that she started dating this guy a little after we separated, but I don't trust her. I think that its been going on since the beginning of October when we were "taking a break". During those almost 3 weeks, she wrote to me everyday when she got home from school using the name she called me with when we were dating. She sends me kisses and hugs. She tells me that she misses me. A week or so ago, after I left chat in the middle of a conversation, she wrote to me "I need you During those 3 weeks I have been searching for a definite answer. I wanted to know what to do. To either fight for her and have hopes or simply start ignoring her and trying to move on. She refuses to tell me anything. I have the feeling that she is either trying to keep me as a backup or make me feel whatever she felt during the bad times of our relationship. There was mutual communication but often, when we got on the phone, we started fighting and she got annoyed and wanted to hang up. We saw each other 2 times during the past 3 weeks and every time we kissed and she was just laying there hugging me like we were together. 5 days ago, I called her while drunk and we talked. I didn't say anything bad to her. I told her how I loved her and when she brought up bad thing from our relationship I explained why I actually did them and how it was for her own good. She replied something of the sort "Why didn't you say? I would love to have heard that". At some point, she once again said that she will not be coming back to me at this point. Then I told her that I will delete her and will start forgetting about her. She said "No. Don't. I will call you in the morning to finish the conversation.". Filled with drunk courage, I deleted her messages, her numbers, her e-mail, added her to blocklists on my phone, Blocked her on Facebook and Skype and went to sleep. When I woke up I felt kind of relieved for a brief period. I was still waiting for her to contact me, even if she would get blocked. My phone's block didn't work out and I received a call. I pucked up because it was an unknown number but remembered it was her. She didn't say anything because she was waiting for me to hang up and call her back (free minutes thing). I hung up. She then called again and I didn't pick up. I received an e-mail few minutes later "Monster (that's how she called me), what is wrong, why aren't you picking up? I hesitated on what to do but replied to the e-mail with a picture of her and her new BF and a picture of us. No content. Just the pictures. She didn't tell me anything. I then couldn't take it and tried calling her. Didn't pick up. I was going around like a madman for the whole day. At the end of the day she wrote to me. Didn't remember the conversation but after that, she stopped writing that often. She wrote to me the next day, but we got in a fight, again and she hasn't written first since. She thought of stupid excuses to not answer my messages. And she's not searching for contact anymore. So.. here it is. My story written for 2 hours. Has she gotten deeper with her feelings towards this other person for the last 3 days? Is this why she stopped initiating contact? Is she serious with this person? On Wednesday mid-day, I ended a conversation pretty harsh, because she again refused to give me a specific answer and told me "do whatever you think is best. I want you to be OK." and I got mad. On Thursday I started reading some guides and books online, and started feeling sorry for ending the last conversation so harshly. So I wrote a simple message of apology. Simply "I am sorry i told you what I did. I didn't want to offend you". No fancy stuff or love messages. And she replied that she did feel offended. We got in a short chat. The whole time she was behaving like she is sad. I do not know if this is an act or not anymore. She sent me kisses and hugs. I didn't reply tho. Tried to keep it cool. Did some inside jokes, made her laugh. I acted kind throughout the chat. I haven't contacted her the whole day today and I don't plan on doing so. I would appreciate it if someone is willing to read all of this and tell me something. Anything. Is she just playing with me? Does she really have feelings? How do I know if I should fight for her? I really love her, but I don't think that there is anything I can do if she wants to "live her live while she is young". And she is in this relationship. I am afraid that she is getting more and more involved in it and will forget me completely, without there being any chance of going back. There is this event on the 18th of November that she wants to attend but has no one to go with. We used to go on such events together. I think that I may give her time till then and strike when we go to this event? It's in a different city so we will be there overnight with a sleep-over. I am afraid that her desire to go to the event may be the only thing making her behave like this around me at the moment. I don't know what to think anymore and this confuses me even more. She doesn't want to tell me to "move on". She doesn't want to tell me to "come back" either. She just leaves me hanging, telling me that "this is my decision for the moment". She keeps repeating that the reason is that she is still angry with me and can't forget, but I don't know how much I can believe this. She may just want me to feel bad and take the whole blame for our breakup. I really realized how much I love her during the time in which we were "taking a break". I realized it even more after I lost her. I am not the person she saw in the bad moments. And I told her that. I told her that I realize that I didn't act accordingly in some situations. She keeps bringing up the bad things in our relationship only. 50 times we did something, 1 time of them was with a bad experience. This 1 time is the only one she talks about. And it's not just a single thing. There are different scenarios which went fine the majority of times, but went bad 1 or 2. Link to comment
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