Did I lose her for good?

[foolish1985]

Hello there. First post here and it turned out to be a loooooooooooooooooooong one. Hope you have the patience to read it all.

 

I've talked with a lot of friends and received various advice and ideas of a likely outcome, but wanted to receive an advice from people that don't know me or her.

 

It's kind of a long story if I start going into details, so I will try and keep it as short as possible and if more details are needed, I will be happy to provide them.

 

I am a 26 year old male.

The girl in question is only 19.

We've been together for 1,5 years.

 

I will use months and approximate dates just to make the story clearer.

 

2 years ago I went out of a 6 year relationship with a girl. I had my thoughts about going out of it for quite some time and finally started gaining confidence in doing it. We split up at the end of February. 1 month before we split up (end of January), I met this girl in a bar. She didn't give me much info other than her name, but I searched for her and managed to find her. Started chatting and she turned up to be great! Couldn't wait to go back home and chat with her every night. And even during the day. After several weeks (beginning of March), she started coming onto me, but I had just ended the 6 year relationship and didn't feel comfortable being with another woman yet. Things started going deeper as she started blaming me for various things like "I am not feeling well and you want to go to sleep?". Things that she may be able to blame me for if we were dating. But we weren't at the time. We had met up only once and the rest of the communication was via SMS or Chat. So I stepped back and didn't communicate for a week or so. She wrote to me but I was brief. I just wanted her to cool down and realize that we are not dating and that she is requesting things from me that I can not provide at that point of a friendship.

 

She was writing me constantly. Chasing me. Telling me that I am the one she wants. And I really wanted her too, but wasn't feeling ready yet. In the middle of April, we started going out more often but she continued pushing me into a relationship. I wasn't nudging. I was stupid enough to answer the questions she had about my EX while we were still in the "hang-out" phase. Wanted to be honest with her from the start. This was going to get back at me HARD in the long-run. In the beginning of May, she was so desperate, that she started dating someone else, just because I wasn't doing anything. At that time, not knowing that she had started dating someone, I decided to actually do something, but later realized what she had done. She was trying to contact me all the time. In the middle of May, I went to her and kissed her. We started seeing each other secretly but she was still with that other guy. We kept at it for a month. She didn't seem sure what to do. She has a really hard time making decisions in general.

 

In the middle of June, she decided to dump him and start dating me. We started dating but my previous relationship was in the way all the time. Mostly the things I had said. My EX was going out with my friends, because for 6 years, they had become her friends too. So if I wanted to go out with someone, I had to be in the presence of my EX. My new girlfriend didn't like that at all. She became angry every time she heard her name. Made up stories in which I was with my EX when I was actually at home. She as super insecure. This is where my mistake was. I didn't find it bad or strange to go out and communicate with my EX at the time. This loop was going on for several months. I was sent on guilt trips all the time. She was doing stupid things and was justifying herself with things that I had said and done at a previous point. She was also refusing to talk live. All the serious talks were over the phone or over Chat. She was avoiding live confrontation at all times. I think that she didn't feel comfortable enough talking about such things live. And a serious talk over the phone or Chat is simply not serious. Things are misunderstood because of the lack of body language, emotion and intonation.

 

I was the first man in her life. Both sexually and love-like. She hadn't loved before and she told me that she loves me before we even started dating regularly.

 

She was making everything in a way that I will enjoy it even if it made her unhappy. But I am not a selfish person. I am happy whenever the person next to me is happy. And I could see that she wasn't doing the thing she would like to do but the thing she though I would like to do. Even during our intimate moments, I could see her in pain and would stop to ask her what is wrong and how can I make it better. She was just waving on and saying "I'll be fine. Go on.". Just because she was afraid that I would get mad. And I did get mad, but not because she was in paint and would maybe want to stop, but because she was not being honest with me. So we were in a constant bad circle. She would keep things away from me because she though that I would act in a certain way and get mad (even though the situation was new and she had no idea how I would react), and I would get mad because of it. I acted out and did things that I wouldn't normally do just to make a point and show her that this is not the right way. This was my other mistake, because when I acted out, I did and said terrible things which aimed to hurt her.

 

After 8 months of a relationship with the guild trips from her side and the "lesson teaching" from mine and her's as well, I made the mistake and cheated on her. It happened at the end of April (next year from previous April mentioned). And to make things worse, I cheated on her with my EX. And since she was constantly on the lookout for my communication with my EX, she sat on my computer and discovered a chat in which we discussed that we had cheated.

 

At this point she broke down. She didn't know what to do. She loved me and I begged and explained that it was a mistake and just a sexual thing. She was constantly sad. I did everything I could to be right next to her at this time. She started talking about how I should break up any contact with my EX. Then I acted like this is impossible and can not be done because we shared friends.

 

After she found out that I had cheated, I knew that there is a chance that I might loose her and I realized how much I love her in reality. Something I hadn't realized till then. I still didn't realize tho, that my contact with my EX was really not right and she had every right to blame me for it and ask me to stop.

 

A couple of weeks after she found out, I met my ex during my lunch break and decided to catch-up. We sat on a bench in the park and a friend of my GF saw us and told her. I didn't want to tell her that I men my EX, because she would overreact. When I didn't tell her, she told me that she knew. I then confessed but she was too angry that I had lied again. And again the lie was connected to my EX.

 

I am not a liar. Really. I am not. That's why I always confess if someone tells me they know I am lying. But in this relationship I got caught up in covering my contacts with my EX, because my GF was always over-reacting.

 

After this we tried to move along but she was constantly rubbing my adultery in my face. Whenever there was and argument that she was losing, in ended with "At least I didn't cheat". This was really bothering me. My mistake, being rubbed into my face all the time. Not being able to have a conversation without it coming up. After I told her that this is not the way to forget about this, she stopped. We had our ups and downs but I thought that we were slowly making progress.

 

She did stupid things and gave stupid excuses, but had the "you cheated on me" card so I couldn't confront her in a normal way and she got away with it almost every time. Things like people texting her and some other men posting kisses, hugs and signs of affection on her Facebook wall, and she replying to them accordingly.

 

We had this one conversation (Mid-September) before things went downhill, which I think may be the real cause of the break-up-to-be, where she asked

 

"Are you ready for the concert in 2 months (end of November)."

"2 months are a long period of time"

"What do you want to say?"

"Nothing. I am just telling you that a lot of things can happen in two months."

"Do you want to break up with me?"

"No, I am just telling you that 2 months are a long time"

"You want to break up with me.

"No I don't. But at some point, we will break up, unless we marry"

 

It all came down to Mid-September. Something happened in a flash. She got secretive, started hiding things and grew apart. One day, she came to me and I knew that something wasn't right. After I asked her "what is wrong?", she said that everything was fine. We had an argument about this, because I knew she was hiding something. A couple of days later, a friend of mine told me that he saw her with some other guy having coffee and holding hands for a brief time while going to their table (at that same day when she came to me acting different). I confronted her. She asked what do I know, where do I know it from and after she knew that I didn't have concrete evidence - she denied. I started putting up pieces and the argument went on for the next couple of days. She was distant. I could feel it. I knew that it was her my friend saw by the way she reacted. Not by the things he had told me. During one of our conversations, she mentioned (and I think that this was one of the few real things she told me) our conversation from before. That I had told her that we will break up eventually and she didn't want to turn out like my EX. Single after a 6 year relationship. That she wanted to date guys now, when everyone wanted her. While she was still young.

 

Several days later, she decided that we need to "take a break, because I still can't forget that you cheated on me and all the lies regarding your EX". I did not agree with that, but went on with it. She seemed really worried when she said that. Sad even. I knew that this wasn't simply a break and there was something going on.

 

During this "break", she stopped picking up her phone after 9PM and made stupid excuses. We were fighting every time we got in touch via chat or telephone. I knew that there was someone else and was saying it all the time, but she was denying. She was telling me how she misses me and how she loves me. She wrote to me once that she is afraid if we didn't mess up everything.

 

At the end of the 2 week break, we were supposed to meet up. We didn't. She thought of an excuse for us to not to. Said that I had behaved bad the previous way and she didn't want us to argue again. We continued the break for another week.

 

During the 3 week break, we were in constant contact. At the end of the 3rd week, I already knew what was about to happen and was feeling helpless, because there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

I went to her. She hugged me. Grabbed my hand and led me into her room. We sat on the bed and I said "just say it". She then said it. That she couldn't forget what I had done and she thought that at this point, it would be good for both of us to just break up. I was crushed. Even though I had expected it, I never believed it would happen.

 

She told me how she loved me and will not forget me and how she hopes that someday she will be able to forgive and forget, and hopes that I will be willing to take her back when this happens. I knew that this is not the only thing but that's all she said. I started to leave, but she asked me to stay for a little while. I then said that this can not happen. I can not be in touch with her if she doesn't want to be with me, because I love her still. She then got sad. When I told her that this will be the last time she will hear from me. I stayed for an hour or so. During this time, I explained to her how during this 3 week break without her I had realized my mistakes, that I had not been right when I wanted to stay in touch with my EX and that I really loved her more than I thought I do. She said that she doesn't believe me and that she is hurt from what I had done 6 months ago.

 

I started leaving. She hugged me hard, kissed me and told me to call her when I get back. I then left. I went home and didn't call but she did. We talked for an hour or so. I explained to her that she should have come to me so we could have resolved this. I told her to think about it and then went to sleep. We then kept in touch for the whole week. I was constantly telling her how I am miserable without her and how I realize what I had done and how I haven't been right in acting this way with her. She didn't seem to take my words into consideration. She said that it's her decision for now.

 

I then found out that she is dating someone else. A same guy that had been sending her kisses on her Facebook wall some few months ago (June. After she had found out) and for which I had asked her, and she didn't seem interested in. She denied that she is dating someone else. I presume that she didn't want to become the bad one. Breaking up with me for someone else. She wanted to keep the blame on me and what I had done. I then found concrete proof that she was dating him and she didn't deny. When I confronted her, she just said that she is Sad and he didn't have any fault. It was all me.

 

I told her that I need a definite answer. Is she considering giving me a second chance or not, because if she didn't I had to continue forward. She did everything not to give me a definite answer. She always said "this is my decision at this point". When I replied "then I will have to forget you", she answered "as you wish.".

 

We've been broken up for almost 3 weeks now. She says that she started dating this guy a little after we separated, but I don't trust her. I think that its been going on since the beginning of October when we were "taking a break". During those almost 3 weeks, she wrote to me everyday when she got home from school using the name she called me with when we were dating. She sends me kisses and hugs. She tells me that she misses me. A week or so ago, after I left chat in the middle of a conversation, she wrote to me "I need you

 

During those 3 weeks I have been searching for a definite answer. I wanted to know what to do. To either fight for her and have hopes or simply start ignoring her and trying to move on. She refuses to tell me anything. I have the feeling that she is either trying to keep me as a backup or make me feel whatever she felt during the bad times of our relationship.

 

There was mutual communication but often, when we got on the phone, we started fighting and she got annoyed and wanted to hang up.

 

We saw each other 2 times during the past 3 weeks and every time we kissed and she was just laying there hugging me like we were together. 5 days ago, I called her while drunk and we talked. I didn't say anything bad to her. I told her how I loved her and when she brought up bad thing from our relationship I explained why I actually did them and how it was for her own good. She replied something of the sort "Why didn't you say? I would love to have heard that". At some point, she once again said that she will not be coming back to me at this point. Then I told her that I will delete her and will start forgetting about her. She said "No. Don't. I will call you in the morning to finish the conversation.".

 

Filled with drunk courage, I deleted her messages, her numbers, her e-mail, added her to blocklists on my phone, Blocked her on Facebook and Skype and went to sleep. When I woke up I felt kind of relieved for a brief period. I was still waiting for her to contact me, even if she would get blocked. My phone's block didn't work out and I received a call. I pucked up because it was an unknown number but remembered it was her. She didn't say anything because she was waiting for me to hang up and call her back (free minutes thing). I hung up. She then called again and I didn't pick up. I received an e-mail few minutes later "Monster (that's how she called me), what is wrong, why aren't you picking up? I hesitated on what to do but replied to the e-mail with a picture of her and her new BF and a picture of us. No content. Just the pictures. She didn't tell me anything. I then couldn't take it and tried calling her. Didn't pick up. I was going around like a madman for the whole day. At the end of the day she wrote to me. Didn't remember the conversation but after that, she stopped writing that often. She wrote to me the next day, but we got in a fight, again and she hasn't written first since. She thought of stupid excuses to not answer my messages. And she's not searching for contact anymore.

 

So.. here it is. My story written for 2 hours.

 

Has she gotten deeper with her feelings towards this other person for the last 3 days? Is this why she stopped initiating contact? Is she serious with this person?

On Wednesday mid-day, I ended a conversation pretty harsh, because she again refused to give me a specific answer and told me "do whatever you think is best. I want you to be OK." and I got mad.

On Thursday I started reading some guides and books online, and started feeling sorry for ending the last conversation so harshly. So I wrote a simple message of apology. Simply "I am sorry i told you what I did. I didn't want to offend you". No fancy stuff or love messages. And she replied that she did feel offended. We got in a short chat. The whole time she was behaving like she is sad. I do not know if this is an act or not anymore. She sent me kisses and hugs. I didn't reply tho. Tried to keep it cool. Did some inside jokes, made her laugh. I acted kind throughout the chat.

 

I haven't contacted her the whole day today and I don't plan on doing so.

 

I would appreciate it if someone is willing to read all of this and tell me something. Anything.

 

Is she just playing with me? Does she really have feelings? How do I know if I should fight for her? I really love her, but I don't think that there is anything I can do if she wants to "live her live while she is young". And she is in this relationship. I am afraid that she is getting more and more involved in it and will forget me completely, without there being any chance of going back.

 

There is this event on the 18th of November that she wants to attend but has no one to go with. We used to go on such events together. I think that I may give her time till then and strike when we go to this event? It's in a different city so we will be there overnight with a sleep-over.

I am afraid that her desire to go to the event may be the only thing making her behave like this around me at the moment.

 

I don't know what to think anymore and this confuses me even more. She doesn't want to tell me to "move on". She doesn't want to tell me to "come back" either. She just leaves me hanging, telling me that "this is my decision for the moment".

 

She keeps repeating that the reason is that she is still angry with me and can't forget, but I don't know how much I can believe this. She may just want me to feel bad and take the whole blame for our breakup.

 

I really realized how much I love her during the time in which we were "taking a break". I realized it even more after I lost her. I am not the person she saw in the bad moments. And I told her that. I told her that I realize that I didn't act accordingly in some situations. She keeps bringing up the bad things in our relationship only. 50 times we did something, 1 time of them was with a bad experience. This 1 time is the only one she talks about. And it's not just a single thing. There are different scenarios which went fine the majority of times, but went bad 1 or 2.

[Eocsor]

I didn't read it all but it sounds like a disaster of a relationship. She cheated on her boyfriend with you,, you were barely out of a 6 year relationship and obviously still had feelings for your ex who you then cheated with, this girl seems very disfunctional and you don't sound much better. If it was me I'd take a break from dating for a while and try and sort yourself out. Even if you do manage to get back together the dynamic of this relationship will surely doom it to failure again. Move on, be single, and sort yourself out.

[camus154]

She started talking about how I should break up any contact with my EX. Then I acted like this is impossible and can not be done because we shared friends.

 

After she found out that I had cheated, I knew that there is a chance that I might loose her and I realized how much I love her in reality. Something I hadn't realized till then. I still didn't realize tho, that my contact with my EX was really not right and she had every right to blame me for it and ask me to stop.

 

A couple of weeks after she found out, I met my ex during my lunch break and decided to catch-up. We sat on a bench in the park and a friend of my GF saw us and told her. I didn't want to tell her that I men my EX, because she would overreact. When I didn't tell her, she told me that she knew. I then confessed but she was too angry that I had lied again. And again the lie was connected to my EX.

 

I am not a liar. Really. I am not. That's why I always confess if someone tells me they know I am lying. But in this relationship I got caught up in covering my contacts with my EX, because my GF was always over-reacting.

 

I'm going to be really blunt with you. You ARE a liar. Confessing when you've been caught lying doesn't undo the lie, it means you got caught.

 

So after having cheated on this woman, you still didn't cut off contact with the ex. Then you had lunch with the very same ex you cheated on her with and got caught lying again. But now you're trying to spin it like really you're this honest guy who made a mistake and it wasn't really your fault because your girlfriend constantly over-reacted, after all.

 

Dude, you've run out of "get out of jail free" cards and now you're left with an empty deck. Time to pay the piper.

[foolish1985]

I realize that in this relationship I come up as a liar but this was only to prevent worse things from happening. Even if I men my EX on the street, my GF behaved like I'd had sex with her and we were arguing for a week. The bad thing is that every time I tried to hide something from here, I got caught.

 

It was late when I realized that she had all the right to not let me go out with my EX for any reason. I hope it wasn't too late, because now I have no contact with my EX and it's because I did it for her. Not that I can't resume contact with her. I just don't want to. I want to prove to her and to myself, that I can live without contacting my EX and that this will happen if I receive a second chance. I finally managed to let go of her, because of my current GF. And my EX has moved on as well. She dated 4 guys for 2 years, but I couldn't care less.

 

And no. I am not trying to spin it like I am this honest guy and it's not my fault. I know it's my fault. I realize this. I told her. Her over-reacting is not enough reason for me to lie to her. I am just saying that in reality, I am not a liar. I don't like lying to anyone. If I did, I would have lied at my GF regarding my EX in the first place when she asked before we started dating.

[Imthatguy]

Dude, you've run out of "get out of jail free" cards and now you're left with an empty deck. Time to pay the piper.

 

Can't you just roll doubles too?

[camus154]

I realize that in this relationship I come up as a liar but this was only to prevent worse things from happening. Even if I men my EX on the street, my GF behaved like I'd had sex with her and we were arguing for a week. The bad thing is that every time I tried to hide something from here, I got caught.

 

You're making terrible excuses for yourself. You lied to prevent worse things from happening to you, i.e., the consequences of your actions. The bad thing isn't that you kept getting caught, it's that you kept DOING things that you had to hide.

 

I want to prove to her and to myself, that I can live without contacting my EX and that this will happen if I receive a second chance. I finally managed to let go of her, because of my current GF. And my EX has moved on as well. She dated 4 guys for 2 years, but I couldn't care less.

 

I don't think you're going to get, or frankly deserve, a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes, sure. But the way you talk about them here leads me to believe that you're an extraordinarily selfish person who is more concerned about losing something he wants than really owning up to the mistakes he's made. I hope one day you do get it and don't carry such behavior into successive relationships.

 

Good luck.

[foolish1985]

You may be right, but the lies were not there to prevent worse things happening to me. In the beginning, when the majority of lies occurred, I didn't care much. My actions were not bad, when you looked at them alone, but she was constantly over-reacting and imagining things that didn't happen. Things that she eventually used against me to win arguments. I had not lied, not a single time, after I got caught cheating. When I realized what I may be loosing. I did not do a single thing I had to hide, except meeting up BY ACCIDENT with my EX on the street. For which I just didn't tell her. Which may also be considered a lie.

 

Here, I have written only my mistakes. The things that I think led to our separation. She lied as well, to prevent more damage, but when I understood her lying, I just took a mental note. I didn't over-react like she did, because I knew what the consequence will be.

 

I am a selfish person, yes. But not THAT selfish. I am concerned that I have betrayed her love a few times too many and want to be a better person for her. I want to fix what I did wrong. Erase the bad memories she had of our relationship and make it right. I don't want to be with her "just because I do". I want to be with her because I love her. The bad part is that I realized this too late. I didn't appreciate the chances she gave me before and she wasn't doing anything really that showed me that those were really "second chances". She just didn't say anything. Like she always does.

 

I understand it completely. In my previous 6 year relationship, I didn't tell a single lie, because my GF trusted me and understood me. Because there was not EX that she felt jealous about.

 

I think that you are understanding this the wrong way. I know I have sinned. I know I have lied. I know that whatever reason I point out for lying to her is no good. I just want a way to prove to her, that I am not the person she thinks I am. I am NOT a liar.

[FrenchFries]

I can’t believe she didn’t leave you a long time ago. You CHEATED on her with the same ex you say she overreacted over. That doesn’t make any sense. You CHEATED on her with your ex, but yet she was the one who was overreacting? You don’t get it, clearly. Now that she has finally walked away you’ve decided it wasn’t right after all. The ever classic too little, too late. You should have listened to her when she talked to you about it over and over again…and it seems like common sense to not continue talking to the woman you cheated on her with. And yes you are a liar, albeit a bad one. If you two were still together you would STILL be having secret meetings with your ex. It’s over. Just let her go.

 

The trust is gone, she won't believe you again. There is no way to prove that to her. You had your chance and you blew it time and time again.

 

Your friends, your ex, your way were more important to you than she was.

[foolmeonce]

I am afraid that she is getting more and more involved in it and will forget me completely, without there being any chance of going back.

 

I think the first thing u should have done is CHANGE your phone # so neither of you could contact each other. She is keeping u around JUST IN CASE her and the current guy dont work. Im sure you believe you are in love with her...now that u 2 are not together. (We always want what we cant have...dont know what u've got til its gone SYNDROME) but right now you should try to remember WHY you decided to cheat and continue to see your ex when she asked you not too. It sounds like she was a rebound because you still needed ties to your ex, so u needed to finish things w/ur ex in order to be able to truly move on w/her.

The best way for you to know HER true feelings is to disappear and let her see what life is like without you. If you keep emailing, calling, etc. she will never know but trust me, just because you two dont have daily or even weekly contact, if she really cares...she WILL BE thinking about you daily. I was 'DATING' my ex for 6 months and have had total NC for 7 weeks now. His FB is private so I have no idea what is going on w/him...and i think about him at least 50 times a day and wonder what he is doing. So at least for this woman, out of sight is not out of mind and I know a lot of women would agree so I wouldnt worry about her forgetting you.

[foolish1985]

I understand what you are saying. I know the reasons why I went to my EX. And she was over-reacting before anything had happened. Long before that. She was accusing me of doing things that I hadn't done. This is how much she was over-reacting.

 

She rather showed and not told me that it's not right. She was constantly seeking attention from other men, hoping that I would get it. I see this now, but then I didn't think there was something wrong with me going out with my friends (my ex included, because they always invited her). I was even telling her who I am going out with. I have not lied that my EX isn't there.

 

I have already moved on. I had moved on after I cheated and started giving myself to the current relationship completely. This was 7 months ago now. The LUNCH thing after the CHEATING was just a coincidence. We even talked about our current relationships. No flirting, no nothing.

 

 

 

She was not exactly a rebound, because I didn't have a relationship with her just to forget my EX. I had a relationship because I liked her. I was the one that ended things with my EX. All I had towards her after that was the habit to contact her from time to time. Nothing more.

 

I still don't think that this is the real reason though. Since I have been honest with her for the last 7 months of our relationship and she is the one that has always kept secrets.

[camus154]

She was not exactly a rebound, because I didn't have a relationship with her just to forget my EX. I had a relationship because I liked her. I was the one that ended things with my EX. All I had towards her after that was the habit to contact her from time to time. Nothing more.

 

Except when you found yourself sleeping with her again. Oops.

[foolish1985]

Unfortunately - Yes. That too. But it was her, because it was easier and not because she was my EX and I had feelings for her. It's just because she was there at the time. And for a reason I would like not to share, I needed that. It was because my current relationship lacked something and I didn't appreciate what I had, until there was a chance of loosing it (when I got caught).

[camus154]

Unfortunately - Yes. That too. But it was her, because it was easier and not because she was my EX and I had feelings for her. It's just because she was there at the time. And for a reason I would like not to share, I needed that. It was because my current relationship lacked something and I didn't appreciate what I had, until there was a chance of loosing it (when I got caught).

 

You are all about justifying things, aren't you?

 

Tell you what. If you really love this girl, let her go. If you've really learned from your mistakes, then own them and the consequences that follow, and let her go.

 

Are you willing to do that?

[foolmeonce]

She was not exactly a rebound, because I didn't have a relationship with her just to forget my EX. I had a relationship because I liked her. I was the one that ended things with my EX. All I had towards her after that was the habit to contact her from time to time. Nothing more.

 

I still don't think that this is the real reason though. Since I have been honest with her for the last 7 months of our relationship and she is the one that has always kept secrets.

 

I dont think 'rebound' relationships are always a conscious thing. If anything....I think most people dont even realize they are jumping into something new and unknown so ease the pain/loss they are feeling...thats all...just seems like you 2 never had your 'honeymoon' period from the start. Only time will tell...u just never know.

[foolish1985]

You are all about justifying things, aren't you?

 

Tell you what. If you really love this girl, let her go. If you've really learned from your mistakes, then own them and the consequences that follow, and let her go.

 

Are you willing to do that?

 

Yes I am about justifying things.

 

Unfortunately, as selfish as this may sound, no. I am not willing to let her go. I just love her too much. I know that I was not the person I really am when those things happened. I don't want to leave her with a sour taste in her mouth. I want to make it right. I love her too much to just "let it go". I am was not even bored of our relationship after a year and a half. We have so much in common. I've had a lot of relationships in my life, but no woman has ever caught my attention like this. If I loose her forever, I will never forgive myself the things I've done. I will never find peace with this.

 

I just want to make it right. I want to be with her.

 

I dont think 'rebound' relationships are always a conscious thing. If anything....I think most people dont even realize they are jumping into something new and unknown so ease the pain/loss they are feeling...thats all...just seems like you 2 never had your 'honeymoon' period from the start. Only time will tell...u just never know.

 

Exactly. No honeymoon period. It started with "your EX, your Ex, your EX, you and your EX".

 

At one point, my EX wanted us to get back together, but I was just beginning to realize how great my new GF was.

 

I am the kind of person that has a hard time adjusting to change. I've needed a period to let go after a lot of my relationships. But previously, in the period of grief, I never ever found anything to grief about really. It was just the change itself. All was gone in a week or so.

 

Now, I was "not myself" even when we "took a break", because I realized what I had and was so afraid that I might loose her.

 

It's been a month and a half since the "break" took place and I am still thinking of her. I've never felt this way in my entire life. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. I can't think. I can't look at other women. I can't function properly without her. I have no desire to continue forward. Never, ever happened before and I've had a lot of break-ups.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh boy, after reading your story I'd say that you both have issues that basically add up to this relationship not being good for either of you and that you both jumped into things way too fast. I'll sum up what appear to be some of the issues as I understand them from your post:

 

a) You had just gotten out of a serious relationship and were still recovering from that. In fact, I doubt you're really over that yet or at least fully recovered in part due to the drama that jumping into this new relationship caused both of you. And probably yeah, the ex as well who couldn't have been having a fun time of it either. Serious red flag number one.

b) She, at the time, was a rebound to you. I know you don't think so and you weren't seeing her just to get over your ex, but that's not the only thing that constitutes a rebound. And you did recognize early on that you couldn't give her what she wanted--a serious, committed relationship at that time--and you really probably should have just ended things then before they started. Easier said than done, though I know.

c) She pushed for way more when she did know that you were not over your ex and it bothered her tremendously. Serious red flag number two.

d) I repeat you were not over your ex. If you were truly were you wouldn't have kept in contact, kept meeting with her, and slept with her again. Serious red flag three. FYI I'm still not even sure you are over your ex yet. And by over I mean you've worked out in your own head the issues that ended that relationship and have come to good terms with them for yourself outside of what emotions you may or may not still have for the ex.

e) You both have cheated on each other--another serious red flag (I'm losing track of these red flags) that the relationship is not good for either one of you. Seriously a red flag. And something that kills most relationships since for most people it's a deal breaker whether they admit it or not.

f) You both have trouble sitting down and rationally talking things out. It doesn't matter who did what or which of you is ready to talk in person and who isn't or what--the fact that there has been this much drama, lack of trust, betrayal of trust, misunderstood communication, difference in communication styles etc. is again a serious red flag that this relationship is not a good fit for either of you.

g) Staying in touch with each other is only continuing the drama and merry-go-round of "you said this" and "you did that" and it is making both of you crazy. So stop it already.

 

I think it's time for you to make a clean break of it and walk away. This relationship is a shambles to a large degree, because it all happened way too fast on the heels of your last relationship. Reading your post I'm not even sure it's so much about real love as it's about wanting what you can't have on both sides--i.e. she chases you like crazy when you're not available and ready and then when you are, you end up chasing her like mad and now she's the one running so to speak. And back and forth it goes.

 

None of these things make for a stable, happy, sane relationship between two people who want to build a life together. Truthfully both of you need to calm down and stay away from each other. Period. Personally, if it was me I'd scrub this relationship off the chalkboard altogether. (I've done it before and yeah it hurt at the time, but it was better than the two of us ending up in an insane asylum. LOL) Seriously, look at what your future holds should you somehow stick it out. Will you two be at each others throats every time one of you is contacted/noticed/looked at by a member of the opposite sex? I can only imagine the future pain in store for both of you on that front alone. "That girl at the K-Mart smiles at you every time we go in, are you seeing her on the side?" "No honey, but what's up with the old classmate you dated in high school being added to your Face Book page? Are you seeing him behind my back?"

 

I think you get the picture. Please, for yourself and whatever woman may be in your life in the future you need to go full NC right now with this girl, then focus on what you really want in the way of a relationship, give yourself time to process and work things like that out and gain some clarity on all of what's gone on with you and both your ex and the new girl. You'll likely come out of it on the other side a lot stronger and saner. And maybe then you'll be ready for a new relationship where you and your next woman, whoever she may be, are on the same page at the same time. Good luck.

[camus154]

Unfortunately, as selfish as this may sound, no. I am not willing to let her go.

 

Somehow I knew that was going to be your answer. It doesn't sound selfish, it IS selfish.

 

I just love her too much. I know that I was not the person I really am when those things happened. I don't want to leave her with a sour taste in her mouth. I want to make it right. I love her too much to just "let it go".

 

No you don't. This isn't love. This is about you redeeming yourself because you don't want to be remembered as an a-hole. It's all about you, guy, and has ZERO to do with her.

 

I am was not even bored of our relationship after a year and a half. We have so much in common. I've had a lot of relationships in my life, but no woman has ever caught my attention like this.

 

You weren't bored with her and no woman ever caught your attention like she did....but you slept around on her. Once again your actions don't match up with your words.

 

If I loose her forever, I will never forgive myself the things I've done. I will never find peace with this.

 

It's not her job to make you feel better about your mistakes and help you come to peace with this. If you really want forgiveness, then ask for it. But wanting her back in order to get it is an entirely different thing, for all the wrong reasons.

 

It's been a month and a half since the "break" took place and I am still thinking of her. I've never felt this way in my entire life. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. I can't think. I can't look at other women. I can't function properly without her. I have no desire to continue forward. Never, ever happened before and I've had a lot of break-ups.

 

You, you, you, you, you. It's all about you.

 

What about her? What about what she wants? Where does she figure into any of this?

 

You don't really love this woman. You just don't like feeling like garbage right now.

[foolmeonce]

It's been a month and a half since the "break" took place and I am still thinking of her. I've never felt this way in my entire life. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. I can't think. I can't look at other women. I can't function properly without her. I have no desire to continue forward. Never, ever happened before and I've had a lot of break-ups.

 

Trust me....i totally get it. BUT dont let the NC thing scare you or make you think u will blow ur chances. You have to BE PATIENT and let things play out. In your case, the relationship w/her current guy. Look..she says its a REAL RELATIONSHIP...so why is she still texting you???? Trust me.. coming from a women, if she was in total bliss w/the new guy....you would be a fond memory, an afterthought. She WOULD NOT be texting you weekly! esp....in the first few months of a new, exciting relationship! Who is she kidding! She very well may be testing you. So....play along. Im not sure the best is to totally ignore her....that actually takes some effort on your part. If she gets in touch, keep it light and casual.....u know...."hi, doing well...thanks! that kind of thing"...like you are BUSY having a life outside of sitting around obsessing about her.

 

There is an amazing and profound quote that is not by me.....and they are words to live by and are so true....

 

"You don't want them in your life because you begged and whined and pleaded for them to be there. If you want them back, the only way is to STAY AWAY. If they want you, then they will come to you."

 

If you dont believe it....put yourself in that position. Would you let someone go if you truly loved them, thought about them, regretted things?

[foolmeonce]

You, you, you, you, you. It's all about you.

 

What about her? What about what she wants? Where does she figure into any of this?

 

You don't really love this woman. You just don't like feeling like garbage right now.

 

Wow..u are harsh! OUCH

[foolish1985]

I do not believe that loving something means letting it go. If you love something, you fight for it as much and as hard as you can. Because you feel that she has to be with you. Because if she is with anyone else, I am worried. If they are driving too fast. If they are protecting her. If they will harm her.

 

I was not bored with her. I am not sure if you are male or female, but the sexual tension with a man is simply a physical thing. Once the tension is gone, the mind clears. The fact that I had sex with another woman doesn't mean that I didn't love my GF at the time. It just means that I needed to have sex with another woman. As stupid as this may sound, once the sex had finished, I just wanted the other woman gone and my GF in my arms. Because the tension was not there anymore. Because the mind had cleared and I wanted what was closer to my heart. What I really wanted.

 

Cheating is a sin, but it's not something unforgivable. Cheating is caused by something. It this case, it was the fact that our sex life wasn't good and she was afraid to talk about it, because she thought that it will make me mad. Even when I asked her to sit and talk about it.

 

I do not know what she wants! She is not telling! She says she wants to be with me but can't. She says that she loves me still. She says that she needs me and misses me.

If all of those are true, why are we separated? If they are not, why is she lying?

 

If she really wants all of those things, I want to give them to her. I want another beginning with my EX outside of the picture. Because she and the constant talk of her (from my GFs side) were the cause of everything that happened. I want to be the man she wanted me to be. The man I was when my EX was out of the picture. Because of a 1.5 year relationship, there is no period during which my EX was not in the conversations. And after every time the EX was brought into a conversation by her, we were arguing for a week. That's why I wanted to cover the minor things at first. Because minor things ruined everything in the first place and made things even worse.

 

I can have a rebound right now. I simply don't want to. I want her. Not someone else. Her.

 

 

 

There is nothing more I CAN do really. I wrote, cried and said enough to her. All is in her hands but what worries me is that 3 days ago she was seeking contact and now she just stopped. Suddenly.

[camus154]

I do not believe that loving something means letting it go. If you love something, you fight for it as much and as hard as you can. Because you feel that she has to be with you. Because if she is with anyone else, I am worried. If they are driving too fast. If they are protecting her. If they will harm her.

 

Fighting for something you love is one thing. Fighting for someone because YOU feel she HAS to be with you is quite another. That's not love. That's selfishness. That's desperation. And now you're trying to say that you don't want her to be with someone else because you're worried if they'll protect her? Are you kidding me?

 

Look, I've said just about all I can. Let me make this clear, though: I'm not being hard on you because you cheated. People make mistakes. And I'm not being hard on you because you took her for granted and then realized what you lost. That's sadly human nature.

 

I'm being hard on you because, based on what you've said in here, you've seemed much more concerned about justifying your actions than in truly taking responsibility for them. And that tells me that you really haven't learned a thing and that what this is really all about is not making things right but making things better. For you.

 

I think the only way you're truly going to learn from this is to lose her for good. Good luck.

[foolish1985]

Thank you for the frank replies. I've missed a lot of what had happened while writing and maybe just pointed out my mistakes, because that's all I see right now. I see my mistakes. I see how in some cases I over-reacted (triggered by something she had made, but an over-reaction none the less.) and I realize that even then, she was there. Next to me. And I appreciate that. I appreciate it now and do not want to loose her. I want a person, that can love me no matter what, standing next to me. Because she obviously is that kind of person. And now I love her as much as well. I realized it when we "took a break". Even after I understood she was dating someone else already, I was willing to forgive everything and just take her back.

 

At first I also thought that it was to make myself feel better, but I realized that I want to make her happy. I realized that nothing has made me happier than seeing her happy in the past year and a half.

 

How do I take responsibility for my actions? Shouldn't I realize my mistakes first? I know what I did. I know it was wrong and I will not do this to her ever again. I have not done this to anyone before. And I will not do this to anyone again. And I am not talking only about the cheating part. I am willing to suffer the consequences of my actions, as long as those consequences have nothing to do with losing her for good. I am willing to give up my privacy, just so she can slowly regain her trust in me and see that my EX is out of the picture. I told her that I will take her with me everytime I HAVE to see my EX for ANY reason. (she has an ongoing magazine subscription coming to my address until the end of the year)

[Angler]

Because you feel that she has to be with you. Because if she is with anyone else, I am worried. If they are driving too fast. If they are protecting her. If they will harm her.

 

You aren't her father.

 

Cheating is a sin, but it's not something unforgivable.

 

It is completely unforgivable in my books.

 

Cheating is caused by something.

 

Yep, it's ALWAYS caused by somebody who doesn't have the guts to either speak up or break up before sleeping with someone else.

 

People are being tough on you, but it's because you need to stop making excuses for yourself.

[camus154]

I am willing to suffer the consequences of my actions, as long as those consequences have nothing to do with losing her for good.

 

Sigh. You're willing to suffer the consequences of your actions as long as you get to stipulate what those consequences are. You're. Still. Not. Getting. It.

 

I am willing to give up my privacy, just so she can slowly regain her trust in me and see that my EX is out of the picture. I told her that I will take her with me everytime I HAVE to see my EX for ANY reason. (she has an ongoing magazine subscription coming to my address until the end of the year)

 

Wait...your EX has magazines coming to YOUR house?

 

This just makes no sense anymore whatsoever. You refused to cut contact with the EX, you slept with her, you met her on your lunch break, she still has magazines coming to your house.....and you wonder why your girlfriend "overreacted" about her?

[Eocsor]

(she has an ongoing magazine subscription coming to my address until the end of the year)

You have heard of change of address cards right??? It's a simple thing to do. Theres not a publisher on the face of the planet that won't change a shipping address. It's very easy.