Did I lose her for good?

[Angler]

I am willing to suffer the consequences of my actions, as long as those consequences have nothing to do with losing her for good.

 

I don't get it, what other consequence would there be?

[foolish1985]

You aren't her father.

It is completely unforgivable in my books.

Yep, it's ALWAYS caused by somebody who doesn't have the guts to either speak up or break up before sleeping with someone else.

People are being tough on you, but it's because you need to stop making excuses for yourself.

 

I know I am not, but I care for the people I love no matter what. I am not a bad person. I'll even help a person I don't know if I can and think that this person deserves it. If it doesn't mess up my plans a lot of course. I know i AM selfish but not to a great extend. Just a little selfish. Everyone is.

 

It is not in my books. It is a sign that something isn't right.

 

The person that evaded conversation and didn't want to talk about it was her.

 

Sigh. You're going to have to suffer the consequences of your actions REGARDLESS of the outcome. You can't suffer the consequences while trying to stipulate what those consequences are.

Wait...your EX has magazines coming to YOUR house?

This just makes no sense anymore whatsoever. You refused to cut contact with the EX, you slept with her, you met her on your lunch break, she still has magazines coming to your house.....and you wonder why your girlfriend "overreacted" about her?

 

I am really willing to suffer the consequences. I just HOPE they don't have something to do with me loosing her. That's what I wanted to say. I am suffering the consequences right now.

 

You make things sound way WORSE than they really are. Let me clear this up for you.

 

I refused to cut contact with my EX because she was going out with my friends and I wanted to go out with my friends. I have never invited her out. I slept with her in a moment of weakness. As for the lunch - we met accidentally after a job interview she had and I just wanted to know what happened to her. Why did she loose her job and what happened with the new one. Curiosity. I've been 6 years with this girl. I have feelings of compassion and I will help her if she needs my help. But those feelings are not romantic anymore. They may have been a tad romantic in the beginning of my relationship with the girl I want back, when the landslide started, but not anymore. As for the magazine subscription, I made it last year, when I didn't see anything bad in keeping in touch. I am not from the US. I live in Europe. In my country, having a magazine delivered to your home address is a little risky, because someone may snatch it out of your mailbox or the mailman may not be able to get to the mailbox as the Building's door is being locked and the mailboxes are inside the building. This is why, I have them (a package of 2 magazines at a discount price. Single subscription. One for me, one for her.) delivered to my mother's work address and she brings them home for me. As I said, the over-reacting was not over this. I now realize that her reaction for me going out with my EX was normal. I am talking about little things, most of which didn't happen in reality. Only in her head.

 

Another thing that makes things worse is that she considers my EX an inferior being.

 

I don't get it, what other consequence would there be?

 

Give up my privacy. Suffer what I am suffering now. Seeing her in a relationship with another man.

[Hollyj]

If you equate a relationship to giving up privacy, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. What type of privacy are you referring to?

 

You do sound very selfish, and if you were truly sorry, you would not be bringing up your ex's faults, you would solely focus on yourself. Period!

You did lie repeatedly and disrespected her by seeing the ex. And, I can't imagine what the scenario would be that you would have to meet up with the ex again??

 

Let this woman go and work on yourself.

[foolmeonce]

im sorry if i made u think u should LET HER GO....just because u are not in contact for 2, 3 or 6 months, doesnt mean ur letting her go...NOT AT ALL! If she is in your heart...she is in ur heart. That wont change...BUT...it doesnt seem that u 2 are on the same page...u have to show her you love her BUT...at the same time....u wont settle unless she shows u that U are all that she wants. By always being there...begging for her back..how will u know if she comes to u because her and her b/f had a fight & she just wants to make him jealous??? (after all..she knows ur there for her...when & wherever u want her)....or she is w/u because she actually WANTS to be?????

[foolish1985]

If you equate a relationship to giving privacy, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. What type of privacy are you referring to?

You do sound very selfish, and if you were truly sorry, you would not be bringing up your ex's faults, you would solely focus on yourself. Period!

You did lie repeatedly and disrespected her by seeing the ex. And, I can't imagine what the scenario would be that you would have to meet up with the ex again??

Let this woman go and work on yourself.

 

I didn't understand that first part. Can you please rephrase? I am talking about letting her view my e-mail, phone, facebook, messages and so on. Everything that she needs to see if she has doubts.

 

I am not bringing her faults. Her not wanting to talk doesn't justify me cheating. Not at all. I was just saying, because Angler mentioned it. Just wanted to make it clear.

I know that my actions triggered her's. And I know that I am the one to blame here. This is why when describing the situation, I mentioned mainly the things I have done wrong. Because I am willing to change those things.

 

I didn't lie repeatedly in order to see my EX. You got it wrong. I was telling her my EX is there, because she was invited by my friends. This doesn't mean that I was there, because she was there. After 6 years, my friends became OUR friends.

 

Why doesn't anyone discuss the part when she may be just wanting to Live her life and not get into a serious relationship?

 

Everything that you guys are chewing on happened in the beginning of our relationship. When I had the psychological need to keep in touch with the girl I've been with for 6 years and with which I separated just because I didn't want to hurt her by cheating on her or worsening our relations. Yes. I said it. I broke up with her, because the relationship was exhausted and I didn't want to cheat on her.

[Hollyj]

Honestly, if the relationship requires continuous checking then it won't work. You can't have a relationship w/o trust. I will also say, that there is nothing that I write, or no one that I contact that i would have to hide from my partner.

 

You have brought up her insecurities and overreaction repeatedly. I think you should have only focused on yourself, b/c it sounds like you are trying to excuse your behavior when bringing in other's faults.

 

The sex, communication and meeting were deceptive, as you knew that she would not be pleased by your contact with this woman.

 

I think you should let it go. Learn from this experience when seeking a new relationship.

[foolish1985]

Honestly, if the relationship requires continuous checking then it won't work. You can't have a relationship w/o trust. I will also say, that there is nothing that I write, or no one that I contact that i would have to hide from my partner.

You have brought up her insecurities and overreaction repeatedly. I think you should have only focused on yourself, b/c it sounds like you are trying to excuse your behavior when bringing in other's faults.

The sex, communication and meeting were deceptive, as you knew that she would not be pleased by your contact with this woman.

I think you should let it go. Learn from this experience when seeking a new relationship.

 

I am 100% with you on this one. Relationships do not require continuous checking. But since I have given up her trust, I need to gain it back. And this will be by making myself an open book for some time.

As much as I understand my faults, you have to agree that an action is always a re-action to something else. It this case, her over-reaction is a result to my contacts with my EX, which contacts, at the time, I didn't think had anything to do with my current relationship. Now I understand that this is not right and want to change it. If depriving myself of privacy is the only way, then so be it. I have to win her trust in some way if she decides to give me a second chance.

 

I can not let it go. I love her too much to just let her go without even trying.

[FrenchFries]

She's young and needs to be free to experience life. Who wants to be stressed out all the time? The two of you were just not a good match. There are people who are fine with their s/o being in contact with ex's and others who are not. She is one who has a problem with it. That will not change. You feel you would have to give up your friends. The trust is entirely gone and no one will be happy anyway. There's just too much going on. If she's looked at pros vs. cons, I'm thinking the cons are outweighing the pros concerning this relationship and she has made the choice that will make her happiest. You cheating on her with your ex was only proof that she had every reason in the world to be concerned about your contact with her. The new guy is different, exciting, and fresh to her. She's going to play this one out and move on from there. There's really nothing you can do to fix this.

[Hollyj]

I wish you the best.

 

I have been in a place where the ex wife was very present - both parties had not moved on - therefore, I can relate. I have no problem with exs' being friends, but in a case like yours and mine, there was no chance - too many parties in the relationship.

 

Please check this out: link removed

[foolish1985]

@FrenchFries: I am afraid that you may be right, but I will not be able to live with "regret" if I don't try fixing this. We WERE a good match. It's just that I didn't realize the damage I was doing when refusing to break off contact completely. I was with her and I had to be willing to do this. What was I gaining from my contact with my EX??????? Nothing. Nothing that I wouldn't be gaining if I resumed contact when my relationship was over for instance. I do not want this to change in her. I will change it for her. I will break it up completely. Regarding the pros vs cons, I think that the PROS will be more. Excluding the EX and everything that comes from the contact I had with her, everything was just fine. Everything else was manageable with a little effort. The new guy is someone she went complaining to.

 

If she wants me gone, why did she kiss me every time we met up after breaking up? And why did she write to me everyday until 3 days ago? Why is she refusing to give me a definite answer?

 

I wish you the best.

 

I have been in a place where the ex wife was very present - both parties had not moved on - therefore, I can relate. I have no problem with exs' being friends, but in a case like yours and mine, there was no chance - too many parties in the relationship.

 

Please check this out: link removed

 

Thank you for the article. I read it and I can tell you that I told her where I had gone wrong and how I would change this. Simply breaking contact with my EX is a big step in this case, since it is the main cause for all the damage done until now. I have moved on from her and I just want a chance for a new beginning.

[Hollyj]

Perhaps, if she can see that there is true action behind the words, it may work.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think you have gotten some solid advice on this thread. My advice would be to let her go ... if it's this unhealthy, then no it's not a good match.

[foolish1985]

I have been in No Contact with her since Thursday evening. Today (Saturday), I bumped into her in a fast food restaurant. She was with a friend.

I went to her and greeted her. Acted casually. Like we had no history together.

Her 1st question: "Why aren't you calling me?"

I told her that I needed time away in order to forget her.

She told me that she had bought tickets for this event she wanted to go to.

She asked me if I was going, and I said that "I don't think it's a good idea".

I said, "ok. I'll go grab some food" and said my goodbyes.

 

I sat on a table near the one she was on, but with my back towards her and on a seat that she could see.

I didn't glance to her even once. I ate my food and talked to my friends.

 

A few minutes later, I felt someone gently touching both my shoulders. I raised my head and it was her. Telling me to rethink my decision. I said "Oh. Ok. There's not really much to think about, but I will. Thanks."

She then brushed my hair with her fingers and left.

 

I continued eating.

 

I just came home and opened the board to write what happened and she IMd me.

Asking what I was doing tonight and stuff. Not inviting me anywhere, but simply striking a conversation.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I think I'll just continue acting casually and resume the NC.

[TomboyMS]

You did well. Yes, go back to NC.

[foolish1985]

She wrote to me this morning as well.

 

She started chit-chat.

I told her that I can't be friends with her if we are not together. I told her that I love her a lot, but if we can't be together, I would prefer that she doesn't contact me so I can put my thoughts together.

 

I think that I seriously messed up with this!

[foolmeonce]

I told her that I can't be friends with her if we are not together. I told her that I love her a lot, but if we can't be together, I would prefer that she doesn't contact me so I can put my thoughts together.

 

It sounds like you are getting more and more emotionally stable every time. STICK TO IT. You told her the conditions that you can handle and you can EASILY cave and play her little cat & mouse game but your not. Thats very impressive! Stay strong and stick to your conditions. If she feels the same...she will eventually come to you.

[foolish1985]

There is an occasion today that people congratulate me for. It's a celebration of my name in my country.

 

So she called and wished me good health.

Then said: "what else do you want me to wish you. my wishes come true."

I said: "health is good enough. thank you."

Her: "no, no. think of something else for me to wish you."

Me: "I don't want to think about it now. Health would be enough."

Her: "I though that you will wish for us to be together."

Me: "I've told you that a million times. there is no use in repeating it."

 

Then on several occasions she told me how she misses me.

 

Then I told her that I need to forget her. She had moved on and was happy with her new relationship, and so should I.

She replied: "It's not like that. Why do you think I keep calling you?"

Me: "I don't know."

Her: "Because I miss you. Don't you miss me?"

 

I didn't reply and evaded her question by changing the topic. I told her that she couldn't have us both. And I couldn't be her friend yet.

 

She asked me again for my wish.

 

I told her to wish me to "Fall in love again and don't make that many mistakes."

She said: "No way I am wishing you that. I want to be the only one for you."

 

Then I told her that apparently there is no use of repeating the same thing over and over and she replied that "It made her think."

I said: "Well, it seems that it hasn't made you think hard enough." (in a sense that we are not back together).

She replied: "It's not that easy."

 

I then repeated a couple of times how I can not be her friend still. I have realized my mistakes from this relationship and do not want to carry them over to my next one. I made it clear that I knew what my mistakes were and things have changed now. My EX was out of the picture.

 

Basically I kept telling her how I need to move on if she did it and didn't have the intention of us getting back together.

 

At the end she told me that she would call me again today to ask me for my wish. I told her that she doesn't have to do that. She insisted. She told me that she would call and if I ignored her call, she would "get the hint".

 

Any thoughts? I have not been in regular contact with her for 2 - 3 full days only. I am a little confused as to what is going on here.

[foolish1985]

At the end, she didn't call but she IMd. Asking me "how are you?". I didn't reply until a few (7) hours later but haven't received and maybe will not receive a reply.

 

Can someone please share his thoughts on the situation? Is there any hope or is she just playing with me?

[EgoJoe]

Stop answering the phone until you don't need to ask for opinions.

[foolish1985]

I just got a hint from someone that the little b**** may have been with that guy for 4 months before we broke up!

 

He came into the picture in May. After she found out that I've cheated. He shortly after that left for the US on a Work and travel program until Mid-September.

In the beginning he was posting and (hug) on her facebook wall. Posting songs that sang "I miss you, I want to kiss you but I can't" and so on. Signs of affection.

I asked her back then what is going on and she said that he is being friendly to all his friends. He came back in Mid-September and *poof*. Things started going down hill. Then as soon as we break-up - they are dating. "So it's easier for me" she said. BULLS**T.

 

Today a girl associated with the said "guy" tells me that he told her in October, that he has had a girlfriend for the past 4 months!

 

ALL MY LOVE VANISHED IN A SECOND.

 

I am wondering whether to break the NC, tell her everything I think of her, curse and spit and let her go, or keep the NC, see if she calls back and whenever/if we get back together, ask for an explanation (to which she would most probably lie).

 

Judging by everything I've read and the way she behaves, she is bound to break the NC sooner or later. If she doesn't, then my suspicions are real and the little wh*** lied her a** off the whole time, blaming me for everything that happened!

[camus154]

I just got a hint from someone that the little b**** may have been with that guy for 4 months before we broke up!

 

ALL MY LOVE VANISHED IN A SECOND.

 

If she doesn't, then my suspicions are real and the little wh*** lied her a** off the whole time, blaming me for everything that happened!

 

Wait...what happened to how you couldn't live without her and you'd never forgive yourself if you couldn't get her back and how she was the biggest love of your life?

 

My, how fickle we can be.

[foolish1985]

Wait...what happened to how you couldn't live without her and you'd never forgive yourself if you couldn't get her back and how she was the biggest love of your life?

My, how fickle we can be.

 

What happened is that the little b**** lied to me the whole time even though I TOLD HER that she is lying to me. And did it all just to BLAME ME and put the GUILT ON ME, only to be clean with her conscience!!

 

Hurt me like hell just so she doesn't take any blame at the end!

 

Why would I love the b**** if she is capable of doing all this just so there is no finger pointing at her at the end!? And what difference does it make even if there was one and she had confessed of doing something wrong!

[camus154]

Neither of you were saints in this relationship. I understand you're angry right now, but honestly, are you really that surprised?

[foolish1985]

I wasn't a saint but I felt regret and confessed when I was found out. I didn't find excuses for myself. I even said what my faults were. I was willing to change.

 

What she did was way worse!

 

And yes. I am angry now. And no. I am not really surprised. I'm just angry because I though till the end that he was a rebound relationship and there was still a chance. After all she had told me and the No Contact thing.

 

But come to think of it, I didn't feel the love in her words when we spoke on the phone 2 days ago. They were just words. Put there, to lure me into her nets and keep me around until she is comfortable letting go.

I hoped that this was not the case and she really needed me.

 

This can also be a hoax, because the girl that told me this was hurt by the guy my EX is dating (Yeah. I know. Latino TV.). The case may be that either she is lying or he lied to her to justify not being with her. It's one thing to say that "I'm dating someone. Been dating her for 4 months now." and a completely different thing to say "I'm dating someone. Been dating her for almost 2 weeks now.".

 

Only time can show me now, but I do not have my expectations high anymore.

[sada88]

Umm, why should her cheating surprise you in anyway? She already has shown a propensity to cheat right at the beginning of your relationship. She cheated on her boyfriend with you and went around in a circle between you and him. As much as people like to say cliche statements, there is a reason why they exist. There is normally a lot of truth in them. Honestly, I don't think either one of you really love each other.

 

I am sorry though for your loss. You should take this as a sign that both of you should not reconcile with each other. By finding this information out, you should move on and never look back. Take what you've learned from this relationship, never cheat on your significant other, and apply it to your next relationship. Good luck on your healing.