UPDATE On breaking NC after half a year!

[TheDoctor]

Hey everybody I finally did it...I broke my NC with my ex. And it couldnt have gone any better! She told me she hasnt been with any guys since our break up ( not that it matters), that she hit depression cuz of our breakup, that she never wants to be with anyone again, and at the end asked me to go get coffee with her tomorrow. She said she hasnt spoken to be since because she knew I was very mad at her and I asked never to speak to her again. She said she dearly misses me and my friends and shes at a point in her life she just doesnt give a damn and shes the key to her own happiness and she doesnt want anyone. I cant believe she asked me to go get coffee with her....this is so surreal right now. This was the best decision ive made...I finally got my closure. Im happy it turned out this way and not full of drama. What you all think? Im overwhelmed right now but Im feeling good that I can finally get my closure and move on...wow Break up forum...how life changes in just a split second eh?

[TheDoctor]

BTW, Im not going back to her and im pretty sure I wont get coffee with her either.

[iceesnowbubble]

why did you contact her if you don't wanna see her..closure is good, but would you like to be strung along? Obviously, she has feelings for you..and if you called and made contact it wont be good to give her false hope...atleast take her out to coffee to catch up as friends..no one wants to deal with being rejected...

[TheDoctor]

I understand...its just I havent spoken to her in so long and I had enough. I just needed to talk...simple as that. I was tired of dealing with it like a death like Ill NEVER see her again or talk...it wasnt normal....VERY FEW have gone through this NC crap the way I did. To breakup over an argument cuz ur sick of it and just walk away from it all forever left sooooo many question marks. Im not going to be mean to her.

[ryan14]

sounds like a sweet revenge (not showing up) but i think it would be great to go out for a cup of coffee and see how it goes.

 

good luck

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I'm glad it's going well. But you said that you didn't want anything but closure. You said that you just wanted some questions answered.

 

Be honest with yourself. All your defence mechanisms are running rampant. First of all you say you don't want to get back together with her. Yet you contact her? Why? You say because you want questions answered? But your entire new post is about how it went great (but nothing about the questions). Why is that? Was it because she is depressed? Is it because she misses you? Because it's obviously not because you want to go back with her.

 

We all see a couple of possibilities:

 

1) The fact that "it couldn't have gone better" and this was "the best decision [you've] made" just seems to be a passive-aggressive attempt to show everyone that gave you advice yesterday was wrong. I mean, it's obvious you are both stubborn becasue you both broke it off and didn't talk to each other for 6 months.

 

But it really doesn't matter what happened. Because our point was that anyone in your position, after 6 months (no matter how it ended), wouldn't have acted like you did. Search the forums. People move on without "closure" after 6 months. So I can only see one of two possibilities:

 

1) You are in denial, you want her back but you don't want to admit it to yourself (maybe you were hurt really bad or something).

2) OR You really have more serious problems (an acute sadistic bent) to deal with because you seem to be basking in her pain. You are happy that she is sad, and you don't seem to care.

Remember:

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. --Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

I really don't see how this post and yesterdays post puts you in any sort of good light here.

 

But I hope it does work out.

[TheDoctor]

Whoa go easy man what the hell? My goodness, no wonder your single. Anway, its very simple, I only know 1 person that has ever been in my situation ever and he went back to talk to the girl and he felt relieved after he found out shes still immature and isnt ready for a relationship. He was able to move on from that point on. I broke up with my ex cuz I just couldnt handle her problems anymore so I went to find my own thing. I got over it after 5 months and I said ok if Im over it why not go back to just talk and see how everythings been? Why're you being such a jerk? Seems like my post is contradicting a belief you have of yourself and your ex and your only upset because you've probably been there before.

[TheDoctor]

Im not basking in her pain.....Im simply delighted to have talked and been given the response I was as compared to the response of what I anticipated which was just ranting and her coming down on me and breaking me as many of you posters thought. Im not rubbing it in, why would I? Most of you wished me luck and I thank you dearly for that blessing. Oh and BTW, my "questions" I had were why did you hold such a grudge and never talk to me again which led her into responding the way she did. My questions were my closure.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

No one should need "closure" after 6 months and getting on. Go read you're other post, one more person agrees.

 

But anyways, I'm glad it worked out, whatever it was.

[TheDoctor]

Its funny you say that considering I saw a relationship therapist and he was the one who recommended I go talk to her and face my fears about it. I told him I never want to speak to her again and I was scared to open doors that are closed now, that I want to move on and he said I can never move on only adjust and thats not something he recommends that everyone should atleast attempt closure. He was the one who said he's very confident that I dont want her back and its just Im having a hard time moving on without closure. I'll take the professionals word over yours anytime.

[iceesnowbubble]

hey guys.. you are getting a little bit too much tension..try and be nicer here.. stop sending out these subtle jabs tiger and doctor... we are here to help each other.. and if you don't like the advice here doctor, then why are you here? if your therapist is so great, then go listen to him.. don't bash us for our honest opinion of the situation. I agree with you tiger, obviously there is SOME kind of unresolved issue, no one wants closure after 6 months for no reason...

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I agree COMPLETELY. Actually I never really thought aobut it that way. Doctor, we can only go on what you tell us. And we can only go 2 sets of 5 sentences, it's nothing like 1-on-1 therapy. I just assumed that it had something to do with your relationship--I mean this is a relationship forum. I wasn't even ASSUMING you had more deep seeded psycholigical issues you had to deal with, or some psychological tauma that would require therapy.

 

But EVEN IF this were the case, I still think it doesn't paint you in a good light. But I hope you're making progress with your problems. You know all those things your tharpist jots down on his note pad? Or maybe he's one of those guys that just keeps mental notes.

 

He's saying,

-"insecurity issues" or "fear of abandonment" or "fear of comittment"

-defense mechanisms used: passive-aggression (maybe), reaction formation, isolation of affect, and either repression or supression.

 

 

You know why you are the only one that boke NC this way? You know why everyone seems to say it was a bad idea that you contaced her? You know why no one else needs the same "closure" you have? You know why everyone goes "eeesh" when they heard that your "most important day of your life" was to contact your ex, that you haven't talked to in 6 months, that YOU BROKE UP WITH. It's because something is SERIOUSLY wrong. And the fact that you need therapy seems to say as much.

 

But don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying this in a bad way. We all have problems. I believe therapy is a good thing for anyone. But reread the stuff that I said, no reason to get defensive. I'll even end it like I've ened all the other ones.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[iceesnowbubble]

i love how you can be so positive through all of it tiger.. it makes me laugh... =) .. this guy was insulting you, and yet you wish him well.. we need more people like you in the world.

-Brianna

[TheDoctor]

I dont have any psychological problems. All that happened was after 6 months I had questions. You need to walk a mile in a mans shoes before you can judge or assume anything such as Im a "sadistic" person and I loath in her pain. But the reality isnt that I went back because Im not over her, I went back to talk because Im strong enough now to discuss it like normal, mature adults. I just wanted to understand why we had to breakup. You see Tiger and Bubbles we never even talked about why we had to breakup we just got into a fight and let it go. Now that we have both moved on why not go back and just say hey how have things been? What is the crime in just a little friendly conversation? And btw, I didnt go see a psychologist or anything I just went to 1 session with a relationship therapist who I wanted to ASK what to do in my situation. And thats what he told me he said exactly this, " You are over her, you are ready to hear anything. So, what do you have to lose if yo go back and talk to her? I think as long as you ignore her you'll never get over her the way you'd like to because your neglecting the situation. You must go back to get your closure because that is what you clearly need." If he didnt say that I was ready to never go back again. Again, Im not attacking anyone I apologize if I seemed insensitive. Its just alot of this is overwhelming and the last thing I need is somebody who doesnt even really know me to give harsh criticism by calling me a sadist. But lets let that go, I love this forum and all the advice that I have been given is worth alot to me. I cherish it, thank you all. And Tiger, Im not a defensive person. I actually took light into what you said and sat down and thought about it and came to a conclusion that im confident I still dont want her back. So many people still talk to exs from ages ago. Theres no difference here. Why should I be any different?

[iceesnowbubble]

ok ok, you don't want her back. You are a strong man for going and calling after 6 months for just a "hello." For some reason, if you guys just walked out of a relationship so easily and you are willing to call and say hello..i think you are gonna get back with her... cuz deep down you care..just my opinion... but i think you have some kind of feelings. Don't get upset.. its just odd to me that you still have questions you want answered..but im glad you are confident that you are over her.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

ice you are exactly right. will you marry me?

[iceesnowbubble]

are you intoxicated right now tiger... cuz you just said i was the hottest girl on the forums... having not seen me... which is a bold statement..and now you want marriage..! haha =)... you are stunning tiger... but are you in your right mind?

[TheDoctor]

No your definitley right Brianna, I do have feelings or else I wouldnt go back. Almost everyone I know talked to their ex's after a breakup. Im no different...infact when I told people we havent spoken since I walked out their jaws dropped. I just needed to ask her some questions and see if we can be friends.

[iceesnowbubble]

that's good doctor.. are you gonna take her to coffee or what?

[TheDoctor]

Im thinking about it. I gotta let time do its thing to me. Im seriously a very normal, happy, strong person. Its like I said, I wanted to go talk to her because Im ready for anything and Im only 20! And I was with her since I was 17 1/2 and I just needed to let her know that I havent forgotten about her. Theres a little saying I love and this is why I went back to her," We can all assume situations in life, we can make false realities to actions we havent even taken, we can warn ourselves that these things arent healthy for us to do to go back or to progress, but until we havent taken that chance and risk, we know absoultey nothing of its consequences." Thats why I went back. You see tiger, and bubbles, I went back because alot of questions were bothering me like after being so close for so long why shed be so mad at me, or is she mad at me at all? Can we be friends? Hows life been for you since and do you realize you really put me in a bad state of mind and was there anything I could have done to have made your state of mind better? Now that she answered those questions I feel much better! I know in my heart this was a good decision, maybe I will go get coffee......maybe. When I said no yesterday you must understand I was overwhelmed by her even asking to go for it. Im pretty happy how this story has played out.

[iceesnowbubble]

go for it..keep us posted.. but you won't get back together with her for sure...is that what your saying?

[TheDoctor]

I want to say yes for sure....I'll say this Im very confident I wont. Now I know your giving me a raised eyebrow but look its a very true saying. Let things be, dont beat yourself up and make standards. When we make standards we let ourselves have such a hard time. All I know is when its over its over and we can never have what we once did. Im not gonna try to get her back. But lets just say somehow I see her, and feelings open up, and she has truly matured and somehow I end up with her. Im not gonna beat myself up. But Im almost certain that I wont let it get that far because those feelings died for me a long time ago.