Fondness Versus Love

[blossom88]

Okay so am in a relationship and we seem to be progressing steadily. There have been a few concerns on both sides but these seem to improve and we move on. I like him more each day though am still unsure about his feelings towards me.

 

However last night we ended up talking about relationships and what would make or break a relationship. He said that the hallmarks of a great relationship would be fondness, accepting difference and calling or texting every 2 to 3 days. I also asked him about deal breakers and he said that he did not have any. Said he’ll only know what a deal breaker is if he sees it in a relationship. I was kind of surprised by that and wanted to probe more but he seemed to get really uncomfortable and flustered. He said that he never had to discuss such things in any of his past relationships and that they always went with the flow. Really?

 

Now of all the things that bothered me about the conversation and the confusing turn it took was the part about fondness. So guys basically what am asking is:

 

Isn’t it love that builds up a relationship? Should I be worried that he thinks fondness is enough for a relationship? What would you guys do if your boyfriend or girlfriend had these views?

[ToF]

There are countless ways to define a relationship. It sounds as if your boyfriend defines a relationship in a more logical, functional way rather than basing it on emotion.

 

How long have you been together?

 

EDIT: By "logical" and "functional", I don't mean that you are in any way illogical or dysfunctional. It's just that some people are more inclined to refer to their emotions for things like this, while others are more likely to use logic and reason. It sounds like you are more the former and he is more the latter.

[blossom88]

ToF thanks for your insight and it kind of eases the concern a bit. With these two types of thinking would there be a form of compromise and understanding? Should i talk more about it or leave it for another time? We have been dating now for 5 months.

[ToF]

It depends on the couple, really. I'm not sure how different you two really are when it comes to these fundamental notions of what a relationship should be, but these are generally things that can't be compromised on. Or at least not without a lot of effort.

 

To be honest, you will probably end up being the one doing most of the compromising. The more logical, practical person in the relationship (him) is not likely to become more of a "romantic", so the more emotionally-tuned partner (you) will usually end up trying to alter their own perspective in order to better match their partner's needs. When it comes to this, it's not really a two-way street, unfortunately.

 

So it comes down to a) how great the disparity really is between your respective viewpoints (you can find this out through having more open, calm conversations with him), and b) how much you are willing to compromise in order to facilitate a comfortable relationship with this person.

 

And per your question regarding timing, I'd say it's better to figure this out sooner rather than later. You'll need to decide if this guy is really compatible with you, and you don't want to find yourself questioning that a year+ into the relationship.

[blossom88]

ToF its like after reading your response the hazy thoughts in my head are suddenly made clear! once again your response gave me all the right areas i need to consider before proceeding. The differences are there to be sure and it is noticeable enough by both of us. I will continue asking him and encourage him to do the same as well. Though conversations like this seems to fluster him so much. I think I might give it a few more months and at least I'll get to see if a compromise is really worth it. I guess I must also see how much I am bending over back wards to keep the peace.

[ToF]

I'm glad you've been able to find some clarity.

 

Conversations about "the relationship" will probably fluster him no matter what, unless they are started and ended on his terms. That's because he's not always "in tune" with his emotions, so when he is, he is much more open to having those kinds of discussions.

 

Unfortunately, you can't wait for him to be ready. You need to figure things out for yourself, so doing it on his terms won't exactly work for you. My advice would be to use very non-accusatory language (saying things like "I think that ... " or "Lately, I've been feeling this way ..."), and just keep things calm. Also, try not to drag out the conversations. If it's apparent that he's growing weary of the topic, just say that you guys can pick this up again when you're both feeling a little better about things.

 

It's a lot of work, but that's just how it is when two very different people try to maintain a relationship. Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

So after 5 months you are still feeling doubts?

[blossom88]

Yes Ms Darcy, mostly because they are parts in the relationship that are different from what I am used to experiencing. Some of them are things like endearments, regular calls or texts, kissing, passion and the intermingling of lives. With the kissing part even the first kiss had to eventually be initiated by me, even after that he does not seem to want to kiss like a new couple would want to. Sometimes I feel like he has me at arms length and I'm just part of a compartment in his life that he will access when he wants to. The fondness comment kind of made me think a lot as well.

[ToF]

This is probably something you should give some serious thought to, before you go any further with him. He is showing you who he is: Someone who does not get emotionally attached, who is not affectionate or passionate in a relationship, and who compartmentalizes everything in his life. You need to take this seriously, as he is giving you very clear indications of the fundamental parts of his personality. I told you earlier how you guys can go about communicating about these things, but I may not have been completely clear about what you should expect.

 

He is very, very unlikely to change any of these things you've mentioned above. I am speaking from experience, here. If you decide to continue seriously dating him, it must be with the understanding that what you see is what you get. As I mentioned before, if you want anything to change in your relationship, it will probably have to be you who makes the changes. It won't be him compromising to meet your needs; it will be you changing your reactions and feelings about his behavior.

 

Just, make sure you are being realistic about this relationship.