I think I need confirmation that I'm doing the right thing here.

[sandrawg]

See my post here:

 

 

 

I've spent the last few days dealing with this. On Sunday, I told the guy I'm seeing that we needed to back off, because he's clearly not over his ex.

 

Wednesday, we had a chat on gmail. He made some comments about how he shouldn't have talked about his feelings so much, and how he needs to close himself off, etc. Then he invited me out for a drink that night. We talked a lot about what happened, and I was trying to convince him this WASN'T about him talking about his feelings too much. It's about him even HAVING the feelings. If he still has feelings for his ex, we should not have rushed into what we did, and he needs time to figure out what he's doing, and work thru the breakup.

 

He ended up holding my hand the whole time because I got a little emotional. When he walked me to my car, he kissed me.

 

The next day, on gmail, he talked about making me a candlelight dinner, and got flirty, and I felt like I had to put up boundaries. I said, look...I want a candlelight dinner, I want all these things from you, but I am SCARED. I'm afraid you're going to just leave me for your ex. So, unless and until you can tell me you wouldn't go back with her if she met your conditions (he had given her a list of 6 conditions to meet to get back together), we shouldn't be involved romantically.

 

He said "I can't say that now, so you're right. We shouldn't."

 

This felt like a knife in my throat.

 

I ended up getting mad at him, because I think it'd be crazy for him to go back with her and I can't see why he woudln't want something better with me.

 

I don't think he totally understood why I was upset.

 

I have to find a way to deal with him, because he's my housemate's good friend. Plus, I don't want him out of my life. I want to try to be friends.

 

It's just that I feel him pulling me back into a romantic involvement over and over, even tho I keep telling him, that's not good for either of us until he is ready to move on.

 

I told him I have feelings for him, and he said he has feelings for me, too, but that he's messed up and confused right now. He says he rarely experiences deep connections with people, and that there are 2 people he's felt this with...his ex and ME.

 

One of my friends said, maybe you should've yes, told him talking about his ex on your date bothered you, but kept going with him, in the hopes that he'd realize what a good thing he has with you, which would help him move on.

 

I just didn't think I could handle making an emotional investment in someone who might one day go incommunicado because his ex has finally come to her senses and does what he wants to get back with him.

 

I feel pushed and pulled in different directions, and I guess I just want some validation, as well as advice of anyone else who has fallen in love w someone fresh out of a breakup.

[camus154]

You're only confused because you've allowed things to continue with this guy even though you already put your foot down about the whole ex thing.

 

You'll only continue to be confused until you decide to remove yourself from this situation completely. For the record, I think you're spot on about him not being over the ex, and I think you'd be putting a bullet in your own head if you continued to pursue anything with this guy.

[sandrawg]

Thanks, Camus. I think, because of my feelings for him, I have to be really strong when I see him. We have a crazy attraction to each other, and I think he'll just continue to try to draw me back into what we had before. I may need to make myself scarce for a while.

 

You're only confused because you've allowed things to continue with this guy even though you already put your foot down about the whole ex thing.

 

You'll only continue to be confused until you decide to remove yourself from this situation completely. For the record, I think you're spot on about him not being over the ex, and I think you'd be putting a bullet in your own head if you continued to pursue anything with this guy.

[rosie smith]

I am sorry but it sounds like your guy is gonna go back to his ex anyway and personally the more you push it, the more he prob will do!!

 

and I know I sound really harsh by saying this but after coming out of a 8 year realtionship and my ex needing someone to boost his confidence etc, which is sometimes why a lot of people go from one relationship to another prob means you have very little chance of ever being proplery together anyway. let this guy and meet someone better..

 

cause if there is one thing I have learnt even if my ex never talks to me again due to all the ups and down in our relationship a new girl coming along straight after a break up is always a bad bad sign

 

i hope I don't sound to mean, but no women is better than another either just everyone is unique in there own way you know

[sandrawg]

I get what you're saying, and you have a point.

 

I should clarify, tho-I'm not saying I'm better than his ex. I'm saying, he could have a better relationship with me, I think. He's been off and on with this girl for 6 yrs, and it's always the same thing over and over. She doesn't make time to be with him. She hasn't even introduced him to her parents. Even his friends don't think their relationship is good, and they've known him the whole time.

 

At least with me, I know I would make him a higher priority.