Feeling the hate from girls: how can I improve myself?

[Prime Time]

First post here. I joined this forum because of my growing frustration with my relations with girls and I was hoping to find some answers.

 

Currently, I work at a rather large company located in a non-populus area. Due to weird/long hours and a lot of young early-20's people working at this company, everyone we know will be from work. While I do well work-wise, I am having some social trouble; by that, I mean girls. I know this type of thing probably is posted about a lot, but I honestly do not know what I am doing wrong and how to improve my image. Some of how I describe it here may come off as egotistical, but I am trying to provide the clearest description of what is happening.

 

Again, with a lot of people in their early 20's, the social scene is similar to a "campus" feel. When someone at our position is retained (we are either retained or let go after 6 months), a company-wide e-mail is sent out so everyone knows. While the guys I know came over to say congratulations, the girls suspiciously avoided me at all costs for the next couple of days. It was obvious. My friend was retained the same day. He doesn't even know many girls, but a bunch came over to congratulate him. Same thing for some other friends I have; it seems normal for people to do that.

 

Even getting a conversation going is a chore. I have no problem starting it up, but there always seems to be some issue. One girl who I initially got along really well with asked me to lunch the next week (at the work dining hall), but then changed her tune we can't have lunch together at any point (?). When in a small group, a girl or two will ask the couple of other guys (guys I know decently well) if they want to join in an outing after work. When they notice I am also there, they weasel out of it with a fake/polite laugh or a, "Well we're not sure if it's happening yet." I have also realized that, if I were to never initiate a conversation with any girl at work - yes, even if we are working right next to each other, they would never talk to me. This issue does not exist with guys.

 

With a situation like this, I will look at myself for any causes. However, I don't see anything that would cause girls to "hate" me. Even the creepy guy who follows people around still gets some ounce of respect from girls. I workout and keep in good physical shape. I am gregarious and social while showing respect for my peers. I dress well and have good hygiene. My sense of humor draws laughs. I don't antagonize or cause trouble and I feel I am a confident guy. I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I have some things going for me.

 

While I would like to ask, "What is going on, why do these girls at work wish I disappeared?", I'm not sure anyone knows that answer, though someone might (do I have some perception/reputation problem?). So, is there anything I can do or try doing to change this trend? I am stumped and, because these are people I see daily, I'd like to nip this in the bud. My friends say they notice that the girls sometimes "act weird" towards me, but have no clue as to why.

[Case_1983]

Hmm

 

There are many things that could be keeping these girls away.

 

This girl whom you were going to have lunch with, how did it come to her deciding to never have lunch with you? What happened in between her asking you and then cancelling? Did you talk to her? Stare at her? Talk about her? Just trying to get an idea of the situation. Would it be possible to approach an older, friendly girl at the office (preferably non-gossipy type) and ask her straight out?

[Case_1983]

These are the types of people i tend to avoid at work.

 

* People that make eye contact to the point where it becomes uncomfortable

* People that expect me to lead the conversation ALL the time and create awkward conversation by being nervous

* People that stare

* People that trap me in conversations and don't let me leave (horror)

* People who crack unstopable jokes and expect you to laugh at everything they say

 

etc. etc.

[bulletproof]

Do you congratulate the women when they get retained? Do you ask them to lunch? Do you invite them places after work? It sounds a little like you are waiting for them to approach you as opposed to the other way around.

 

I also realize that you stated you live in a low-population area, but there has got to be something going on socially other than your company. Even the smallest towns have schools to take classes in, places to volunteer, etc. I would suggest that you expand your options. Leaning too heavily on work for a social life might not be the best idea.

[Prime Time]

Case_1983 - Well, I don't know how she decided to never have lunch with me, it just happened. I met her a week or two before, she is newer at the company. She worked with me one day and we seemed to "click." Fast forward to the situation: We were talking about hanging out or getting a bite to eat, she suggested "How about [2 days from now] for lunch?" It was all set to happen, then the day of, she said something came up, lets try again a few days later. I said sure. The following day, she texted me the thing about how we can never eat together because of her boyfriend (who is on the other side of the country). It was obvious that it wasn't a date, we were at work for crying out loud. Just seemed extreme.

 

As for the five *'s, I don't fall into any of them. I usually initiate things. I know for sure the eye contact/staring isn't a problem. My humor is more wit-based and not developed jokes. While being outgoing can cause the "trap" with the conversation, I don't drag conversations out. I'll initiate a lot of conversations, but a lot of the time it's just the usual smalltalk. I like your list. At the same time, I don't feel I infringe on any of those five things.

 

Bulletproof - Of course. How can I expect something in return if I don't adhere to that standard myself? I congratulate anyone I know who is retained. I don't ask every female co-worker to lunch, but I do suggest a small group going out some times, though it doesn't really work. The only reason why I may appear "waiting" is because I don't host parties. My place isn't even big enough to host something if I wanted to. But these other people do host the parties, so I can't invite myself. Again though, this wouldn't be a reason for them to "dislike" me.

 

I work long hours, so any school/volunteer work is not a possibility. And yes, the town is that small. Everyone anyone here knows is from work, the company is huge.

[Case_1983]

Perhaps there's a rumour going around about you. A girl at work once did that to me (it was untrue) and noone except for the elder employees dared to talk to me. The others avoided me like the plague to avoid upsetting the rumour starting girl. Can you ask someone? Perhaps one of your male colleagues could casuallys bring it up with one of the girls.

 

It does sound like there is something and the sooner you get to the bottom of it the better!

[agatha]

yeah, it kind of looks like a rumor about you has spread.

 

happened to me this year - people started saying bad things about this new guy, and I ended up blowing him off due to a bunch of terrible coincidences and cultural misunderstandings. turns out he is THE one person I'd like to team up with, but now my chances are -100% ¬¬

[Prime Time]

Perhaps there's a rumour going around about you. A girl at work once did that to me (it was untrue) and noone except for the elder employees dared to talk to me. The others avoided me like the plague to avoid upsetting the rumour starting girl. Can you ask someone? Perhaps one of your male colleagues could casuallys bring it up with one of the girls.

 

It does sound like there is something and the sooner you get to the bottom of it the better!

 

yeah, it kind of looks like a rumor about you has spread.

 

happened to me this year - people started saying bad things about this new guy, and I ended up blowing him off due to a bunch of terrible coincidences and cultural misunderstandings. turns out he is THE one person I'd like to team up with, but now my chances are -100% ¬¬

 

Hmm....interesting. Again, I am not perfect and have plenty of flaws. However, the general from people/girls is puzzling. As for the rumor theory:

-I feel I know the girl who would be instigating this. She appears nice/charming to most people/guys, but we barely talk. When we first met, she was down on her luck because her favorite team lost a playoff game the day before. I tried to cheer her up and say they still played a good game (major underdog) because we were in the same place for awhile. She flipped out and asked why I even brought the topic up - she did this in front of 2 of my friends. Apparently, one of my supervisors saw this too, because later on when she was gone, he came over and was teasing me about her blowing up (he thinks she was dumb).

-The girl who said we can't eat lunch anymore...guess who's been trying to hang out with her lately? Same girl. In fact, another girl I was getting to know early on at my job (she's gone now) crossed paths with b*tch chick...it was never the same after that.

-Because she acts in a super-social manner, she was making a big deal of everyone getting retained. When I got retained...well we haven't spoken since.

 

So, if this is true, I think I know who it is. My question would be, how do I go forward here? What could/should I do? It's funny because I have 0 skeletons in my closet, so anything she says is probably a lie. A lie that a lot of girls are buying into.

[Prime Time]

Kind-of-update: Attended a party last night that several people from work also attended. Since I'm writing about it here, my friend and I ran into the girl who I'm sure is spreading the bad word. Not surprisingly, she wouldn't even say hi to me. She did say hi to my friend who I was there with, talked to him as she does everyone else. Very strange. Unfortunately, I can't spill beer on her head and demand to know her hidden agenda, but her dislike is there.

[tom1607307597]

I feel for you OP, pretty much the same thing is happening to me except its with girls in a language club. Maybe you could casually ask one of your friends if there is any rumors about you going around. Most people won't tell you directly but your friend might know something.

[Prime Time]

I feel for you OP, pretty much the same thing is happening to me except its with girls in a language club. Maybe you could casually ask one of your friends if there is any rumors about you going around. Most people won't tell you directly but your friend might know something.

 

Could work. I have one friend who may know something about it. Unfortunately, he is also friends with the girl in question. Most of my other work friends wouldn't be in the know. Acquaintances at work might know, but I also don't trust them to keep their mouths shut.

[ncoconut]

Not enough info to tell. You might never find out unless one of them tells you.

 

If you want people to like you, be likable. We enjoy people that make us feel good and we want to be around them. Try complimenting your female co workers or making pleasant remarks- be friendly and genuine. Make sure to be positive and make sure you pay attention to your body language. Even if they really do dislike you for whatever reason, you can always change that- just be better than what they think.