How do you feel?

[loulou37]

I'm sitting here, feeling the pain of my break-up, just like i have on and off for the last 6 weeks...

 

I've had times where i've thought, i love my ex and want him back, other times i think of how much pain him leaving me has put me through.

 

I was really here to ask everyone that's going through a break up: do you think after all the pain and suffering, not eating, sleepless nights, early morning wake ups, and the burnig agony that goes through your body!

 

Would you really take your ex's back after all this?

could you forgive them?

 

 

thanx

 

loulou x

[Angler]

I'm sitting here, feeling the pain of my break-up, just like i have on and off for the last 6 weeks...

 

I've had times where i've thought, i love my ex and want him back, other times i think of how much pain him leaving me has put me through.

 

I was really here to ask everyone that's going through a break up: do you think after all the pain and suffering, not eating, sleepless nights, early morning wake ups, and the burnig agony that goes through your body!

 

I don't blame her for the pain and suffering I am going through - she is hurting and suffering too.

 

Would you really take your ex's back after all this?

Absolutely. In fact going through all of this is the only way we'd last long term.

could you forgive them?

There's nothing to forgive. Try to let go of feeling like the victim.

[Bolegged04]

Why did he break up with you?

[loulou37]

I don't blame her for the pain and suffering I am going through - she is hurting and suffering too.

 

 

Absolutely. In fact going through all of this is the only way we'd last long term.

 

There's nothing to forgive. Try to let go of feeling like the victim.

 

I think it's ok to feel like the victim, this guy promised me everything, i stuck by him all the way...for him to give up on "us"

 

I feel that's wrong.

 

loulou x

[loulou37]

Why did he break up with you?

 

here is my story:

[Aleina2011]

As this is my second BU with the same guy, I can tell you that the first time I did not leave bed for a whole month, stayed NC for months then initiated LC. It was extremely painful, at the time I felt that going through that was better than giving up on him altogether. Eventually we did get back together only to BU again after a little over a year. This time, I did the same for just over a week (I mean the pleading, the begging, etc). I have now realised that I just can't do that anymore. I have looked at my options and decided that the only thing I have power on is my self and my decisions. And I have decided that he will not hear from me or see me ever again for as long as I wish. It's no longer HIS decision, it's MY decision. This helps a little. I think it very much depends on your circumstance, stage in life, reasons for BU, etc. I think this is the best option for me at the moment, would have not been viable last year simply because I did not want to. It's all in our heads as someone on this forum. When just have to get there at our own pace. This forum has helped me enourmously.

Best of luck.

A

[Eocsor]

Thats a very personal descision and it varys from person to person. I was with a woman for three years before she dumped me. We were apart for a year NC and then one day ou of the blue she called and wanted to reconcile. We got back together for another 10 years and then she left again.

 

It's 21 months later and this time the answer would be no. I still love her but I could never do that to myself again. It was hard enough learning to trust after the first time we'd split. The fact that we'd been with other people during the year apart was a huge problem but we eventually worked it out. But I'd never go through that again and this time no matter how I feel, well the trust is gone for good and I can never go back.

[loulou37]

Thats a very personal descision and it varys from person to person. I was with a woman for three years before she dumped me. We were apart for a year NC and then one day ou of the blue she called and wanted to reconcile. We got back together for another 10 years and then she left again.

 

It's 21 months later and this time the answer would be no. I still love her but I could never do that to myself again. It was hard enough learning to trust after the first time we'd split. The fact that we'd been with other people during the year apart was a huge problem but we eventually worked it out. But I'd never go through that again and this time no matter how I feel, well the trust is gone for good and I can never go back.

 

That's what i have in the back of my mind, the trust, at the time i believed everything he said, i trusted him 100% but now i feel i never knew the man, the whole year was a lie, it has been very hard to come to terms with.

 

loulou x

[Angler]

Well, to be honest, if there was ever a trust / honesty issue, I couldn't go back, no matter how much it hurt.

 

I feel like a lot of things can be rebuilt, but for me, trust isn't one of them - that's a one shot deal in my mind.

[loulou37]

Well, to be honest, if there was ever a trust / honesty issue, I couldn't go back, no matter how much it hurt.

 

I feel like a lot of things can be rebuilt, but for me, trust isn't one of them - that's a one shot deal in my mind.

 

My ex never cheated or lied, it would be hard to trust him again after all the things he said, he said he loved me more than he's loved anyone in his life, i was everyting to him, then at the end he tells me love isn't everything, then walks away, i know without a shadow of a doubt he loved me, i've never in my life seen that in any man i have been with but now where do i go, i feel like i've been dropped from the highest height and my god!! it hurt when i hit the floor!

 

loulou x

[Liraele]

Would you really take your ex's back after all this?

could you forgive them?

 

The "after all this" isn't the reason I wouldn't take him back. The pain and suffering is all part of losing something you love - but it's also given me an opportunity to take off the rose-colored glasses and see him for who he really is. That someone is not a person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I've forgiven. I had to, in order to actually heal and start moving past all of the negative things. It's amazing what forgiving someone can do for your soul, honestly. If you don't feel some sort of uplifting, then you haven't actually forgiven them, most likely.

[loulou37]

The "after all this" isn't the reason I wouldn't take him back. The pain and suffering is all part of losing something you love - but it's also given me an opportunity to take off the rose-colored glasses and see him for who he really is. That someone is not a person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I've forgiven. I had to, in order to actually heal and start moving past all of the negative things. It's amazing what forgiving someone can do for your soul, honestly. If you don't feel some sort of uplifting, then you haven't actually forgiven them, most likely.

 

I think for me it's all a little bit too raw to forgive but i know in time i will.

 

loulou x

[Eocsor]

My ex never cheated or lied, it would be hard to trust him again after all the things he said, he said he loved me more than he's loved anyone in his life, i was everyting to him, then at the end he tells me love isn't everything, then walks away,

 

My favorite line of all time. The classic love isn't everything line. I got that frequently in my relationship whenever she was thinking about leaving. What the heck does that mean

[mhowe]

Not trying at all to justify ex's behavior or verbiage,, but love isn't everything.....

 

love is the easiest part of a relationship, because it is pure emotion. Seeing our mates as fallable human being, meshing 2 sets of friends, family, work schedules -- takes time, effort and commitment. That's the hard stuff.

[Thorshammer]

 

Would you really take your ex's back after all this?

could you forgive them?

 

 

thanx

 

loulou x

 

No, and I never have, even the ones that had a good and valid reason. That is backwards for me, I went through months of being hurt and rejection, then forcing myself to let go, and then they come out of the wood-work like things will be peachy? Now they had this great epiphany and I am supposed to forget all the pain and hurt, I am supposed to forget the many months of destroying her influence in my life and the image of us together and what we could have had?

 

Though my recent ex is different, she was way too nice to me in our relationship that I really cant create this mindset of ever pushing her away, but then again... its only been 3 months of BU, there is no telling how further away my heart will push away.

[Angler]

No, and I never have, even the ones that had a good and valid reason. That is backwards for me, I went through months of being hurt and rejection, then forcing myself to let go, and then they come out of the wood-work like things will be peachy? Now they had this great epiphany and I am supposed to forget all the pain and hurt, I am supposed to forget the many months of destroying her influence in my life and the image of us together and what we could have had?

 

I can understand this train of thought with respect to cheating or abuse of some kind, but when you state "even the ones that had a good and valid reason", then it seems to be a very self-centered view.

 

Who is to say she didn't go through months of hurt and rejection before she broke up with you?

 

It reminds me of a line from my current song of choice:

 

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, now you've decided to show me the same."

[hodgeheg]

I think I can forgive him for breaking up with me. He thinks it will make him happier, and I care about him so I want him to be happy.

 

I'm not so sure I can forgive him for the 3 weeks prior to that when he messed me around.

 

Right now though my head is telling me that I'll never actually have to forgive him anyway, because he's not the type to come back to something once it's over. My heart, on the other hand. . . well, it should just shut up!

[Ac0rn]

Would you really take your ex's back after all this?

could you forgive them?

 

Answer to the first question, no. One of my friends who rarely, if ever, uses swear words called my ex a, "complete emotionless * * * * * ." You can read my posts/thread to see how emotionless she really is if you care to.

 

I've already forgiven her for the breakup. Its the stuff post-breakup that I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive her for anytime soon. Down the road, definitely. There's no reason to hold a grudge against someone that long, in my opinion.

[Thorshammer]

I can understand this train of thought with respect to cheating or abuse of some kind, but when you state "even the ones that had a good and valid reason", then it seems to be a very self-centered view.

 

Who is to say she didn't go through months of hurt and rejection before she broke up with you?

 

It reminds me of a line from my current song of choice:

 

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, now you've decided to show me the same."

 

...and? There is a lot a dumpee feels that a dumper doesnt. The dumpee, in many cases, feels a great rejection when they plead for their lover to not leave them. There are a lot of extra feelings that dumpers dont feel when they are the ones who bow out of a relationship.

 

Regardless, her hurt is of no concern to me to me anymore. It is of no concern because I was hurt, I was in pain, and that came from her decision, her choice. They wanted out, they took the door and exited. Being involved with someone else and realizing they made a mistake, and think they can erase all that pain, is selfish and self-centered (hmmm, usually this great epiphany isnt as cute as you would think, I dont want the woman to settle because the new guy is a jerk, or is worse, or because she is lonely). You hurt that person, that is part of your history. Just like a person can leave someone over hurting them (regardless of apologizes and crying by the insulter), is the same way a dumpee can never take someone back after hurting them so much, just like a dumper can decide that they arent clicking to their perfection, that they think something else is better out there.

 

I am dumping them that time, so I am perfectly justified, just like a dumper can be justified and not be told they have a "self-centered view" because they want out.

[loulou37]

Not trying at all to justify ex's behavior or verbiage,, but love isn't everything.....

 

love is the easiest part of a relationship, because it is pure emotion. Seeing our mates as fallable human being, meshing 2 sets of friends, family, work schedules -- takes time, effort and commitment. That's the hard stuff.

 

No of course love is not everything...but my love for him would have made me walk a million miles just to be with him, distance to me is nothing, i have 3 children and i allowed him to come into mine and their lives, my world changed for him and he's gone and left it in pieces, also no one ever knew about me in his life so he can just carry on as normal.

 

he has been very, very selfish.

 

loulou x

[loulou37]

Well said Thor! that's exactly how i feel...when i tried to break it off with my ex he wouldn't let me go, so we always sat and talked things through, my love for him always won and i couldn't leave him...now when i ask him to stay and not give up, what does he do?

 

"I'm sorry, it won't work" BS

 

loulou x

[hodgeheg]

"I'm sorry, it won't work" BS

 

My thoughts exactly, BS! I was given: "I don't think this is going to work." I was never, ever told "I don't want to work at this." There's a big difference really, because the first one makes is sound like it isn't a choice. I think any ex likes to say this to make them feel better, so they can convince themselves leaving was something they didn't want to do, but had to do.

[loulou37]

My thoughts exactly, BS! I was given: "I don't think this is going to work." I was never, ever told "I don't want to work at this." There's a big difference really, because the first one makes is sound like it isn't a choice. I think any ex likes to say this to make them feel better, so they can convince themselves leaving was something they didn't want to do, but had to do.

 

haha yea you're right!! it was like he didn't want to but had to...bloody makes me angry thinking about it!

 

It all worked fine while it suited him!

 

loulou x

[SudoMB]

My thoughts exactly, BS! I was given: "I don't think this is going to work." I was never, ever told "I don't want to work at this." There's a big difference really, because the first one makes is sound like it isn't a choice. I think any ex likes to say this to make them feel better, so they can convince themselves leaving was something they didn't want to do, but had to do.

 

I'm not so sure... I understand what Angler posted, and I understand what you and Thor are saying as well.

 

Of course, every situation is unique in certain regards, but I will say, that the issues (after much introspection and tapping into resources), I believe I am more understanding of my actions. And while I initiated the break up, "love was not enough", when we'd recover from a fight, address the issues of communication, and it appeared that there wasn't much movement on either end.

 

We want to work at it, but sometimes....we don't know how, and are drowning too hard to figure out how to save your partner, as well as yourself.

 

At some point, you have to determine if it something both parties are willing to work towards.

 

I think, that the current situation I am in, had to happen, to have a perspective shoved down our throats while we weren't drowning.

 

The issue is the same, but now the question becomes, can it be something worked out understanding better the consequences if both parties aren't willing to really put forth the effort.

 

I don't have the answer to that, but I'm exploring an avenue towards it with my ex.