Life Long Friend Married - Lost contact due to husband - but there is a twist!!

[MrAdversity]

Long story short I've been banging heads with a life long friends boyfriend for as long as I can remember - (as he went from a very shy guy to someone who thinks he is smarter than the world, and apparently brainwashed his wife to think anyone who isnt on his side is the enemy) -

So she finally went and married that guy ( i was in the wedding party and all) things were ok but i was going through a rough patch at that time in

my life - the entire time she began to change (as mentioned above), and neither of them were there for me during this time, occasionally criticizing me for being m.i.a ...

 

Fast forward to my engagement - things were still rough with all of us - my birthday they show up for an hour and abruptly leave for no reason- emails exchanged through the months shows hostility and jealousy of our lifestyles (we have time off with our professions they don't) etc. Somehow though we asked them to be in our wedding party - they agreed

 

Summer rolls around, awkwardness persists as they leave on a big trip, we called to say goodbye, never to get a return call even after they said they would before they left ... and thats the way it was left off, now almost 3 months later and no contact has been consistent, not one peep - with everything going on my fiance and I are both thinking of the wedding (9 months away) and if we really want that presence during our special day -

 

I just cant believe she of all people let it get this far, than again, they pretty much isolated themselves with this cloud of we are better than everyone hanging over there head - and to make matters even worse or weirder its like they dont even know thats how they act, or maybe they just dont care ... either way i keep saying they are gonna wake up one day 20 yrs from now and regret this and be alone (i am sure we are not the only ones who sees it as they only have one set of other friends - another couple) .

 

What to do?!?!

[mimerelli]

Hi,

 

didnt want to read and run. Sounds like a tough situation. Seems like there is a lack of communication on both sides and perhaps some honesty would be the best policy? I find a letter/e-mail to be a great way to communicate, especially if you arent getting anywere face to face. You can think carefully avout what you'd like to say and not speak out of anger if you end up in an argument. Be constructive and sensitive and gently let her know how you are feeling and what exaclty your worries are. If she doesn't see things from your perspective or even consider another side, maybe you should evaluate your friendship. Maybe she has things she wants to say to you aswell but hasnt had the courage, let her know you're willing to talk. It's hard to know how to react when you havent got a whole picture, if that makes sense? Hope this helps x

[RedDress]

This all lines up with her marriage, you say? A time when you also happened to not really be around because you were going through a "rough time"? You were in the wedding party and they were criticizing you for being MIA?

 

You know... weddings are a stressful time (as I am sure you are starting to feel). What you are going to notice and learn from your own wedding is that people are going to do and say all sorts of weird things. You are going to have expectations... people aren't going to come through for you... the wedding couple is under stress and taking things very personally... I've seen many, many relationships implode at this time.

 

Is it at all possible that your lack of a presence during their wedding planning offended them? Maybe they felt like you simply didn't care. Maybe they felt that YOU were talking like you were better than them...with all your vacation time, etc.

 

I think YOU should break no contact and have a heart to heart. Invite them over for dinner. Sit them down. Tell them that you've noticed the distance between you and that you miss them terribly. Ask if you've done anything to offend them. Ask if your lack of presence during their wedding offended them, etc.

 

Really... it's all you can do. But if you value them as friends - don't take a hard stance. Just ask them what's up. It may or may not result in anything - THEN you can make decisions.

[MrAdversity]

Thanks guys for the fast response!!!

 

Incidentally i should have added that I did have a couple heart to hearts with the husband, and even with my friend (the wife) many many times, I even apologized for being somewhat all over the place and while that was hard for me to do because i felt like i shouldnt apologize for having my own issues i did and yet it wasn't reciprocated which i thought was just in bad taste. Whats even more funny is that the wife had a two nervous breakdowns 6mos after the wedding because the husband works all the time and she couldn't handle and became lonely, and thought he was cheating with a female friend (guess who consoled her) .... and yes we've had our shares of emails and they have been crazy to say the least, airing everything out, and around around we go ... i really do think the husband ruined her while he strives to better her and there life together -

 

Anyway some key points keep popping in my mind lately about this whole thing (the fact that now she is married and relies on the husband for money because she went back to school prob. has some to do with it because she feels obligated i am sure ) - Also please note if the galaxy aligned in another way she would have married her HS sweetheart and not the friend of a friend ....

 

The wife (my lifelong friend)

- Competitive my nature (the way she was brought up, everything she says, or knows is the best)

- Extremely influenced

- Now married feels she needs to stick by her husband even if he is isolating them from society (friends, outings, etc.)

- Lost her own personality and has taken on a brainwashed whole other person who thinks the world is out to get her

- Has become somewhat neurotic because of all the ups and downs

 

The Husband

-Started off as a distant friend with extreme self-confidence issues

-Was shy and easy going, def. perceived self as low and weak

-Now married feels he has taken on the world, cannot fail, and people are jealous of his accomplishments (having 5 cars etc. )

-Constantly yells about having NO TIME, and will only hang out with others on his time - has brainwashed wife into thinking there is not enough time in the day to do any hanging out, that they dont have the luxury of time - even called us irresponsible for living day by day -

-Now perceives self newly married and taking on the world as high and mighty and even has become a control freak -

- Twist everything around to make it look like everyone is out to get them, or jealous of them .. has an issue with recommending things thinking people are trying to one up him

 

Now you see my dilemma, while we are out living our lives trying to include them, they twist life around to make it like its against them and they have no time and we should be more responsible with ours ... its a sick world and a losing battle and i have hung around for awhile but at this point i look at it like well why havent they called us? We have been calling them and trying to include them for awhile now and looks where its gotten us ...sometimes i think they feed off of the drama and attention ...Its a the world revolves around us kind of story .... and i refuse to cater to that type of mentality - but the wedding party is looming over head, to put an email out there wouldn't solve much and prob. would be aired out to there family and one other couple for analyzation ... its sad, and while i would love them to be part of the festivities they can be easily replaced when looking back at how they have acted in the past year (not true friends)

[MrAdversity]

I guess this one was to much to handle lol ... any other opinions out there???