loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I know everyone is going to jump on me and tell me just to let go, get on with my life, obviously easier said than done. i would like some opinions... How many of you believe the saying "where there's love there's hope" My ex said he still loved me....should i hold on to hope of reconciliation or should i just let it go? Thanks loulou x Link to comment
Furbys Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Don't hover around him in the hope of reconciliation. He may say he still loves you because he does or he may be saying it because he wants to keep you hanging. How long have you two been apart and what was the reason you split? I'm only asking so i can give better advice on this. Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 loulou - I believe this saying!! I know my ex still loves me, so I have hope. However, my life is not on hold, nor am I waiting around. I would love to try again with my ex, but if something else comes along - I will grab it with both hands!! Life is too short..... Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Don't hover around him in the hope of reconciliation. He may say he still loves you because he does or he may be saying it because he wants to keep you hanging. How long have you two been apart and what was the reason you split? I'm only asking so i can give better advice on this. we broke up beginning of september, i had contacted him a few times so we could have a face to face, on tuesday gone we met, it was nice and i asked if we could work it out (i know wrong move) he did say he still loved me but he said it's the distance and time, i have not been texting, calling or harassing him, i let him go, although i cried a little at the meeting. I hadn't seen him in so long as he's ended things on the phone. my original ppost.. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 loulou - I believe this saying!! I know my ex still loves me, so I have hope. However, my life is not on hold, nor am I waiting around. I would love to try again with my ex, but if something else comes along - I will grab it with both hands!! Life is too short..... I'm not interested in another relationship, i'd like to salvage the one i had, if possible...but i won't go running after him. Link to comment
TSandullo Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 A saying is simply a saying. That is all. It would be dangerous to pin any hopes of reconciliation simply because of this saying, regardless of the wisdom behind it and its origins. Example: Jack says: 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' Jane says: Really? I thought 'Out of sight, out of mind!' Both are sayings, both have some validity (perhaps). loulou37, whatever your ex said, accept the feelings, but move on, regardless of the outcome and whether you get back together or not. Perhaps the 'where there's love there's hope' might apply to you with someone else in the future. TS Link to comment
Furbys Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I just read the link you sent me and it seems that you both are finding it difficult to keep the relationship going due to the fact that he has other priorities and he has done things that you were not pleased with, for example him going on holiday with his wife and kids. I think that you shouldn't hope for the reconciliation because he has stated that the time and distance just doesn't work and there may not be a way to resolve this issue. I understand that you want to be with him but sometimes you have to let people go because the relationship just doesn't work. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Hon - there's a difference. Your ex is married. So I'm going to be harsh. It doesn't MATTER if he loves you, as long as he's set on having his cake and eating it. As long as he has that philosophy, he's never going to be yours - and nothing in your posts has led me to believe he wants to leave his family. He wants to stay with his children, keep his family together, and ideally, have you or someone else waiting in the wings for him, for when he has time and it's not enough for him. You don't deserve to always be second, and settle for whatever crumbs of his life he's willing to throw you. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I see what your saying TS, I'm so confused, we were so in love, a few things went wrong at the end and that was it, he had a lot on his plate, he said he done things the wrong way round, just hurts that i was the one that had to go. I've wanted to contact him so many times but I've resisted, hoping that time without me will make him realize what he lost... loulou x Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Hon - there's a difference. Your ex is married. So I'm going to be harsh. It doesn't MATTER if he loves you, as long as he's set on having his cake and eating it. As long as he has that philosophy, he's never going to be yours - and nothing in your posts has led me to believe he wants to leave his family. He wants to stay with his children, keep his family together, and ideally, have you or someone else waiting in the wings for him, for when he has time and it's not enough for him. You don't deserve to always be second, and settle for whatever crumbs of his life he's willing to throw you. He no longer lives in the marital home, he left in april Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I'm sorry, i sound so pathetic, i just miss him so bad Link to comment
Furbys Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 You do not sound pathetic at all, you are just hurt. Anyone else would be hurt in this situation but you now need to make the most of it by enjoying your life without worrying about him. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 You do not sound pathetic at all, you are just hurt. Anyone else would be hurt in this situation but you now need to make the most of it by enjoying your life without worrying about him. I feel like he dragged me through all this pain or nothing, i stuck by him cos he told me we would be together in the end, that it would all be worth it...i feel so used Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 You're not pathetic, you're hurting. You gave everything to someone who couldn't give as much back, and he ultimately let you down. That's painful, and hard. And forgive me if I've been harsh at times - but I'd hate to see you in the position of his wife someday, having to post here because he had someone else in the wings. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 You're not pathetic, you're hurting. You gave everything to someone who couldn't give as much back, and he ultimately let you down. That's painful, and hard. And forgive me if I've been harsh at times - but I'd hate to see you in the position of his wife someday, having to post here because he had someone else in the wings. You're not harsh, i was a fool to get involved and a fool to believe him, i believed everything he said to me...we planned our future together, he kept telling me to stop holding back on him, to let him in, i did then he left me saying he couldn't do it any more. Link to comment
Furbys Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 You are hurting now and feel used but someday you will find the true love if your life and think 'why did i ever feel so bad and low about him?'. It will just take some time for you to feel better and heal but it will happen, you will feel happy and will find a new love. You may not think this now but it will happen. All the best. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 You are hurting now and feel used but someday you will find the true love if your life and think 'why did i ever feel so bad and low about him?'. It will just take some time for you to feel better and heal but it will happen, you will feel happy and will find a new love. You may not think this now but it will happen. All the best. i went through a bad break up 6 mnths before i met my ex. he knew of this and told me this was something he could never do to me and yet he ended up treating me worse. thanks for your replies loulou x Link to comment
learning2relax Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 If he is going through a separation or divorce, especially with kids involved, even if he fell in love with you, it will only progress so far as he has unfinished business to take care of. Now if he takes care of it or not is another thing and you can't put a timeline on it. In the meantime, any attempts by you to reconcile with him or convince him to be with you will only set yourself up for disappointment. He will never be able to commit to you until those chapters in his life are dealt with and closed. The other thing that you need to be very cautious of is setting yourself up to be his security blanket or comfort when he is going through this. In the end, this does not end well for the one providing all the love, security and comfort. Once the person in need, gets through their phase in life while leaning on the person that loves them and supporting them, they typically move on from that person. There is an association with the person they lean on that occurs tying them to the phase that was painful that they went through. In their own process of healing, they move on and away from the reminders. They are past it. You would be best to move on with your life. If and when he completes what he needs to do in order to straighten out his life and put this behind him, you would be in the best position for him to reflect back on what he lost with you and possibly return. And I strongly suggest, possibly - not definitely. If you go for the quick fix for you, to get out of pain, feel better and be in his life while he goes through this, then go into it with the full understanding that it will most likely end once you have supported him through it and he is in a better place. The best you can do for you right now, is to keep walking the other way. Instead of focusing on what he is doing, not doing, feeling, not feeling, calling, not calling, etc.... Ask yourself, what can I do for myself right now to feel better? Go try it. If it doesn't work, go try something else. One step at a time. Go try new things. Go hang out with friends. Go exercise and get your endorphins going. Anything. Anything not to be using all that precious brain power on him. You need it more than he does right now. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to write, i was his safety blanket, i won't contact him, i know that would make the situation so much worse...i want to give him time and space to get his life in order. i have been doing new stuff, started football training, go gym, cycling, although it hasn't gone too well over the weekend i have fell apart a bit. loulou x Link to comment
learning2relax Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to write, i was his safety blanket, i won't contact him, i know that would make the situation so much worse...i want to give him time and space to get his life in order. i have been doing new stuff, started football training, go gym, cycling, although it hasn't gone too well over the weekend i have fell apart a bit. loulou x We all stumble as we are working to put our lives back together. Here is the good news, stumbling, failing, mistakes....they equate to learning. You don't learn if you don't have the feedback to learn from. Identify what didn't go well about your weekend. Why didn't it go well? What can you do differently next weekend? Each time, you learn and each time you use the information to do better with the next chance or opportunity. Keep moving forward. You will get there......stumbling is good and expected. Nothing to beat yourself up about. Link to comment
bungalo Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I had a new therapist tell me this. "Love is not enough." As a life-long romantic, these were tough words to swallow...but I know they're true. You have to have a partner who is willing to work, compromise, put up with your annoying habits, idiosyncracies, boredom...etc...ALONG with love... Link to comment
raton44 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I had a new therapist tell me this. "Love is not enough." As a life-long romantic, these were tough words to swallow...but I know they're true. You have to have a partner who is willing to work, compromise, put up with your annoying habits, idiosyncracies, boredom...etc...ALONG with love... I, too, have always believed that true love should be enough...but,even if the other person loves you, if they aren't willing to put in the work: the relationship will not succeed. Some people believe that if they have found "the one," that everything will just fall into place. This couldn't be further from the truth. Every relationship takes hard work, on both sides. Where there is love, there IS hope. But, just like love is not enough...hope is not enough. There must be two willing parties. don't be this guy's security blanket. I found myself in that position, as well. He needs to be left alone, to his own devices. Only then will he be able to figure out if he needs/ wants you in his life. You can't sacrifice yourself in order to stay by his side while he gets his crap together. He may love you, but he's using you and you're allowing it. I am not judging you, as I did the same thing as well. However, I put a stop to it. My ex needs to work on his life ALONE. Because, if we stick around, we will likely end up just being a stepping stone for them to another woman after they get thru their rough times. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I know with my ex-ex, Mr. Hot-and-cold, I was a security blanket for a long time. When things in his life were good, he didn't hesitate to prioritize other friends ahead of me, cancel our plans at the last minute, etc. But when things were less fantastic - guess who called every day for moral support? Guess who had time to feel loved and wanted? Oh yeah, he sure did!!! If nobody else was excited about one of his achievements - he could count on me!!! If he needed someone on his arm for a corporate function - oh yeah, there I was! Blech. I look back and just... cringe sometimes. I was whatever he wanted and needed me to be - and yet, I couldn't count on him the same way. Link to comment
Ac0rn Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I know with my ex-ex, Mr. Hot-and-cold, I was a security blanket for a long time. When things in his life were good, he didn't hesitate to prioritize other friends ahead of me, cancel our plans at the last minute, etc. But when things were less fantastic - guess who called every day for moral support? Guess who had time to feel loved and wanted? Oh yeah, he sure did!!! If nobody else was excited about one of his achievements - he could count on me!!! If he needed someone on his arm for a corporate function - oh yeah, there I was! Blech. I look back and just... cringe sometimes. I was whatever he wanted and needed me to be - and yet, I couldn't count on him the same way. Sounds like me with my ex for the last two months of our relationship and week afterward. It finally ended with me telling her I didn't want to be used/played with, her screaming at me, accusing me of being harassing, and her lying to her friends/family and what happened. She told them that we broke up 5 months ago (we only broke up about a week beforehand) and I was bothering her because she wouldn't go back out with me (far from the truth and even she admitted it). Although, I guess there is always hope. If a person truly loved you, I think they will always love you (even if those feelings are never as strong as they once were). They'll care for you even if they aren't in love with you. That is, as long as you didn't cheat on them, were abusive, or any other extreme thing like that. Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Loulou,, I was that guy -- sort of. I met my ex-gf a year after the ex-wife left me, but while we were still married. The marriage was over, in my mind. I didn't mean to mislead anyone... but I found that making it official is incredibly hard, especially where there are kids involved and the spouse wants to reconcile. Hell, my ex-wife didn't decide she wanted to take me back until I was fully involved in the new relationship... And I'd recently discovered that the married guy my wife had left me for had dumped her to return to HIS wife... Even with all that, I just couldn't pull the trigger on divorce... Until my girlfriend finally left, for good, full stop. So... I really think you should be strong and stay away completely, entirely, wholely. You have more reason than anyone else to do NC. If you don't, it's very unlikely he'll get divorced and even if he does he probably wouldn't turn to you. Show him and yourself you have the self-respect to stay away and stand on your own two feet while he works through his issues. If he's to get divorced, it really ought to be his decision alone, and shouldn't have anything to do with you, otherwise he'll always resent you... Link to comment
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