doubts and fears

[mmmd]

I've been seeing a girl for about 10 months, the first half was on/off for stupid drama, the last 5 have been continuous. The last 5 have been long distance; we get to see each other about once a month for 2-4 days, we talk everyday on the phone for around an hour, and it's pretty rough.

 

I miss her, and I'm much happier when she's here. I don't have any trust issues, she's terrific, and our relationship is relatively drama free.

 

This is the first real, adult relationship I've been in, the longest I've been in, and the first I've said I love you in. It's also the first relationship where I've stopped being insecure/obsessive and stopped looking to the other person to "validate" me. IE, I no longer obsess when a text message isn't answered, or when a phone call isn't made, etc; I'm fully comfortable in the relationship.

 

Anyway, I've been doubting my feelings lately. I feel a lot of it has to do with my relative lack of experience in relationships - I have no "baselines" or comparisons. I don't know what being in love feels like. I know I care about her deeply, I know I'm happier when I'm with her, I know I get sad when she leaves. I don't chase other girls, I'm not really interested in them. I just want her to be here with me.

 

A lot of my issues are stupid: I romanticize some "ideal" and then when I deviate from it, I start to second guess my feelings. Most of this is natural moving from "infatuation" to "healthy love" stuff: Ie, no longer wanting to talk on the phone for hours on end, or being nonstop horny. At first I used to really beat myself up for not wanting to talk on the phone forever, though I've come to grips with that. But this weekend, when she was here, we were laying in bed very peacefully and happily. For whatever reason, I started to feel like something was wrong because I wasn't horny and we should be having sex. Which is ridiculous - there's nothing wrong with just laying in bed with your significant other.

 

However, the real issue that I've been having trouble with is maintaining passion/attraction in the face of intimacy. I know it's natural to lose a little attraction, and generally I still think she's pretty. But it seems like I've been feeling more "negative" towards her looks lately, and it's not healthy. When we're together in the morning and she's disheveled, I notice instead of just brushing it aside. It's like I have to continually assuage myself that I find her attractive. Part of this is that she gained 10'ish pounds studying for the bar, and though she's losing it now, I could definitely tell. I'd love to be beyond such things... but I'm also a 25 year old male full of testosterone and other hormones.

 

Anyway, this is mostly just a brain dump. I feel like the underlying issue is that 1.) we don't get to spend a lot of time together, so it's hard to keep those simple human bonds together and 2.) I'm having trouble feeling comfortable with the transition from "infatuation" to love.

 

 

I know it may seem fairly easy to just say that I don't love her, but I do a lot for her, I want to be with her, and I don't want to be with anyone else. I just have a lot of internal issues.

 

Anything anyone wants to add would be appreciated.