I would like to move back to my old area, what should I do?

[JayXX]

In Toronto, Canada I have lived in the west/central area close to a certain strip for 24 years of my life. About a year and a half ago my mom decided to move b/c the house was too much of a financial burden for us 2, which I understand. My uncle helped us with the move, but he found a condo which kind of far from my old neighbourhood, b/c he lives in some suburban area and never really liked that my old area as he saw it turning into a ghetto. The area has it's fare share of violence as any urban part of a city does. However, I do not like where we live now, even though it's a luxury condo, compared to our my old area as there really is nothing around here but highways, it's in a totally different district and does not have the same feel/culture as living in the old area did. Out of my own unnecessary anger I have vented my frustrations and threw tantrums which was wrong towards my mother for doing this during and right after the move. The following September of that year I went to teachers college for eight months in another city, and always vowed that when I find a teaching career I'd like to move back. My mom will not let me rent my own place and will get me in trouble with my father who she is divorced from if I decide to. She fails to realize that I do not want to go back there b/c my friends live there, or for other ignorant reasons as I do go back to hang out anyway when I have the free time. However, living out there is part of my life and identity, as I developed a sense of pride in living in that community.

 

As a graduate, I am currently applying for a teaching career or something in that field which I feel I will acquire this year and I am about to turn 26 this week and would really like to go back to my old neighbourhood before I turn 30 just to enjoy the rest of my youth and feel a sense of fulfillment when I am no longer in my 20's. This won't be permanent but temporary. What should I do to convince my mother to let me do this, b/c I feel that the second I talk about moving back I'll just get shut down and /or we'll have another argument. I feel like bribing another member in my family such as my uncle (who created this in situation in the first place) to try to convince my mom to let me rent an apartment where I'd like to live for a year or 2 to get closure and a sense of calm. I really do not know what to do, and the more days go by the more my chances of moving back are slimmer. I just want to be happy and have something to look forward to and to work towards.

 

As much as I try to move on, every time I pass/drive by the old neighbourhood and even go to work, which isn't far from my old area at all it just makes me bitter that we had to move out here and that I am no longer part of that area anymore. What can I do to try to get back there once I acquire a career and could afford to move myself back there? Please no bashing responses either. Isn't the whole point of working hard and getting a good career is to have the chance to have access to the way you want to live and happiness? If I can't move back before my 30's and enjoy the rest of my youth while I still have it than what's the point of trying to do good for myself? All I want is to be happy and be at peace.

[lavenderdove]

At 26 you shouldn't be letting your parents make decisions for you.. they can provide you advice if you ask for it, but you're an adult and can do what you want.

 

But perhaps your parents are concerned because the area is deteriorating. Neighborhoods can really decline and fall apart if drugs, gangs, and crime really take hold, and it may have changed for the worse in even a few years.

 

But if you really want to live there, nothing is stopping you but you. You can rent an apt. any time. At 26, your parents have no power over you other than what you decide to grant them. They are entitled to their own opinions of course, but you don't have to indulge them or engage in arguments unless you want to.

 

Also, you need to evaluate why you are so attached to that neighborhood... is it about memories when you and your family were together before your parents divorced? Sadly, you can't go back to childhood again, and a particular neighborhood isn't what will make you happy (or unhappy), but whether you are accomplishing goals and living a good life or not. Clinging to the past doesn't bring you happiness, in fact the opposite as you discovered which is bitterness.

 

It is a bit problematic though that you are linking your happiness to a place and 'youth'... you might consider counseling to address why it is so important to you to try to return to the past rather than just find your happiness on your own anywhere you go. The rest of the world is perfectly happy and they don't live in that neighborhood, so you need to examine why you are desperate to return to the past and think that is the only way you'll be happy. You might be very disappointed if you moe back and you discover that nothing stays the same and everything changes... life is about change and you need to learn how to adapt to change rather than clinging to the past or even the idea that you need 'youth' and a particular place in order to be happy... you just don't! Look inward to find your happiness and take it wherever you go.

[JayXX]

It is not that simple. My reason for attachment to that area is due to the fact that it has become a part of my identity, when I lived there I took pride in that area and love whole lifestyle and scenery. I'm not going back there to relive the past or to hang out with those so called people I call friends. I know that when I go back I will have a bigger responsibility, because I must work to support myself. Yes, I am trying to accomplish goals to be a teacher and engage in some other business ventures and wanting to move back is what's further motivating me so I can have the means to take care of myself and show my mother I am independent and can make my own decisions so I could eventually earn my right. I still feel like I'm in my youth as long as I am in my 20's and that's more of a reason why I want to do the things I want to do such as moving back b/c I need to make up for lost times, before I reach my 30's and no longer will be a youth anymore. I don't plan on living there forever just until I fell like I've had enough of living there and then I can rest and move on. I was taken out of there against my own will when I wasn't ready to leave. My mother and I actually moved there after she divorced my dad. Therefore, I don't have much of a relationship with him. Ironically though I am scared of him, because he thinks highly of me therefore I must maintain face with him. I feel a sense of shame when I disappoint him. If I bring this up with my mother again she might tell my dad and he'll get pissed off at me. I feel like the only way to get what I want is to work as hard as I possibly could to save and show my mother that I could live there on my own for a year or 2 then when I have that sense of closure I will move back with my mother or move on and never think of the past again, because I will have felt I lived a fulfilled youthful life. This is only temporary not permanent, I just need to complete what I feel is unfinished business and move on when I am ready to. I get what you're saying but my happiness is in doing that and really representing for that area for the last time to do things on my own.

[JayXX]

The reason why I feel a sense of bitter is b/c this really didn't have to happen. My who I described in the first post really knows I don't like to leave that area to live elsewhere and we found a place closer, but my uncle really spoke my mom out of it because again he feels that area is turning into a ghetto , he basically thinks all of downtown or west toronto is. That's why when I found out he was behind this I was just bitter as hell and very pissed off at him. I'm not saying that we didn't need to leave the old house, b/c it was falling apart and cost too much to maintain it. However, I still could have lived closer to there and wouldn't have had to add this to things I need to get done before I turn 30. However, I won't burn bridges with him b/c he's the only person I feel that can help me through this whole mess. I'll try to appeal to his sense of conscious in letting him know that it is unfair that my parents (mainly mother) won't approve of me living on my own for a while, especially since he let it be known that one can do whatever they want in life and if I didn't like to live there I could move on my own. However, as much as I blame my uncle for what happened b/c he is partly responsible, I mostly blame myself. If I was more career oriented when I was younger, didn't waste time, drop out of high school and have numerous run ins with the law as a much younger person, then I would have probably already have been career established at this point and been in a position to prevent this from happening. I'm mostly to blame, and the thought of wanted to go back sits in my mind everyday I'll move on when I move back.