Ex Keeps Calling Every Week, Does He Not Want Me To Move On?

[RitaTrue]

After an 8 month relationship, my ex and I broke up. 6 weeks later, I sent him an NC email. Initially he respected it. But after the first month, he contacts me about once every week and a half, or so. This month, he's contacted me once a week. Sonetimes, twice. He last texted me yesterday, saying that he'd be in the area this weekend, and asking if it'd be ok to meet.

 

I've kept NC. I know my ex wants to stay friends, but at the same time, I also know he understands why I asked for NC.

 

Is this regular breadcrumbs, or some sort of manipulation?

[CatsMeeoow]

He isn't saying he made a mistake... he isn't saying he'd like to try again... this is him fishing for friendship or at least checking up on you is all.

 

He is upping the contact because you are ignoring him. Its unsettling him and he isn't in control. He doesn't like not being in control.

 

Your best bet is just to quietly move on until you reach a point you really want just friendship (AND, remember not to fool yourself that you are ready when you aren't). If you emailed him stating you need to be left alone to heal and not to contact you unless he wants to try to reconcile then you've done your part.

 

I would ignore ignore ignore until I was ready.

 

Good Luck

[Hollyj]

This will answer your question:

 

link removed

[1guygirl]

This will answer your question:

 

link removed

 

brill site...spotted my ex in that article and quite a few others.....and OP i think you know what to do....dont get caught in THEIR selfishness.

[LaKings55]

I'd get a new number...

[carrie8484]

Rita I have a similar issue. My ex will text me once every couple of weeks with a one line question. Even after I told him 2 weeks ago that I really do not wish to hear from him again. every time he contacts me I feel hurt and it sets me back. we broke up around the same time as you and your ex and I have told him on numerous occassions I do not want him contacting me as I need to move on. He still continues to do so. He has no intention whatsoever of getting back with me so I really do not understand him. he just wants reassurance that I am still on his radar. Part of me is scared to completely delete him from my life, but it is my only option now. i wanted him back so badly but i just continue to get rejected and one can only take the pain for so long.

[RitaTrue]

I'd get a new number...

 

I'll be doing that.

[RitaTrue]

This will answer your question:

 

link removed

 

I saw the article. The author knows her stuff.

 

I have mixed feelings about the author's pov. According to the author, the ex is being manipulative through not respecting your boundaries: manipulating for assurance, an ego stroke, something.

 

I have mixed feelings about the author's pov. I know she's right. That's the only logical reasons, I think, that he'd do this, even though I told him not to contact me. He's looking for some type of assurance that I'm still the same, as when he dumped me. That's hard to believe. My ex is a nice guy. And is and was a good friend. I don't want to believe that he'd do this. But, all arrows are pointing to it.

[RitaTrue]

Rita I have a similar issue. My ex will text me once every couple of weeks with a one line question. Even after I told him 2 weeks ago that I really do not wish to hear from him again. every time he contacts me I feel hurt and it sets me back. we broke up around the same time as you and your ex and I have told him on numerous occassions I do not want him contacting me as I need to move on. He still continues to do so. He has no intention whatsoever of getting back with me so I really do not understand him. he just wants reassurance that I am still on his radar.

THIS is how I feel. With my ex, he has no intention of getting back with me either. And it would be bad if we did. I dont understand my ex's reasonings either. The only thing that's slightly different is that my ex lives in a different city, 3 hours away. Since he's unable to make the trip--which to me, is a blessing in disguise--he does the next best thing: make calls and texts.

 

I still have a hard time grasping the manipulative part about this. Like you, I told my ex that I didn't want him to talk to me. I told him in my NC email, to give me space and to NOT contact me. But, like I said, after the first 4 weeks,that was no longer the case. Because I sent him the email expressing my feelings on this, he has no intellectual reason to keep doing what he's doing. Therefore, I figure the reason is somehow emotional: wanting reassurance, an ego stroke, etc.

 

However, for someone to put this type of effort into calling, it makes me think "Has He HIMSELF moved on? Is he moving on AT ALL? As someone who's moving on, no longer gives a flying about what's going on the ex's life, and they would have more things going on in their own."

 

Part of me is scared to completely delete him from my life, but it is my only option now.

Same. Although I've gotten rid of most immediate reminders of my ex, I still have his phone number and his mother's number in my phone. And that's so, I'll be able to reach him, when I'm finally ready and healed. Like I said, my ex is and was, a good friend of mine. We were good friends before we started dating.

 

Because of that I'm unsure of his actions. I'm not sure if he's fishing for that again (he's told me he wants to stay friends). Or, if it's all about manipulation. I feel the truth is somewhere inbetween. What saddens me the most is that if I did call him, I'd be very hurt if he never returned my call, which is a 50-50 shot.

[Le MX5]

You don't even have to get a new number, if you have an Android phone, download Mr. Number from the Android Market, it blocks calls and texts.

[TimeToLearn1]

Because of that I'm unsure of his actions. I'm not sure if he's fishing for that again (he's told me he wants to stay friends). Or, if it's all about manipulation. I feel the truth is somewhere inbetween. What saddens me the most is that if I did call him, I'd be very hurt if he never returned my call, which is a 50-50 shot.

 

This is why contact at any level is so damaging and stops us from moving on. I still do the same. It only takes one line of text from the ex to send me into a tailspin even when I'm having a good day. You are focussing on what is going on with the other person. You have to focus on YOU. NC, it's the only way to get out of this cycle.

[Hollyj]

I saw the article. The author knows her stuff.

 

I have mixed feelings about the author's pov. According to the author, the ex is being manipulative through not respecting your boundaries: manipulating for assurance, an ego stroke, something.

 

I have mixed feelings about the author's pov. I know she's right. That's the only logical reasons, I think, that he'd do this, even though I told him not to contact me. He's looking for some type of assurance that I'm still the same, as when he dumped me. That's hard to believe. My ex is a nice guy. And is and was a good friend. I don't want to believe that he'd do this. But, all arrows are pointing to it.

 

In the beginning it was also hard for me to accept her advice, but I knew she was right. So do you!

 

This man is not respecting you and is being very selfish. Period! If he doesn't want to reconcile, and you have asked him to leave you alone, then there should be NC. This man is preventing you from moving on with his contact, i would either block or change my number-email included.

 

Time to look at his actions, as he is not considering your feelings!

[vel2011]

Would appreciate people's views on my situation...

 

Ex gf broke up with me 2.5 mths ago after 2.5 years. I went straight NC, accepted and respected her decision etc etc. Very amicable / loving breakup, but I'm nowhere near over her. I have a whole thread if anyone's interested. The last thing she said to me after the BU chat was 'I love you and think I always will but we're not righ for each other..'.

 

Since then, in the last 2.5 mths I haven't intiated contact once but have had the following from her...

 

- texts immediately after the BU saying thanks for being so wonderful to her, wish she could magic away the pain for both of us

- messages after one week asking how I am and if it's selfish to contact me - I said I think it's best if we don't stay in contact for a while

- message a month into BU saying she's finding the NC really difficult, will always care about me and be there for me, hopes we can be friends

- follow up to this message with a phone call - catch up for a couple of hours and chat on phone - she breaks down crying saying she misses loads of things, trys to justify reasons why she doesn't think i'm the guy she's meant to marry and wanted to end it on a high (she's 24), said only remembers our relationship as fun, gets all emotional about the BU and says she's finding it really hard. I basically end by saying I think I need NC to try and move on, hope we can be friends one day

- She gets in touch a month after this (2 weeks ago), asking how I am and what I've been up to on facebook chat. Sees pics from my bday party and asks if I am seeing a girl who is next to me in some photos as we look close (I'm not!). Pretty cheeky as she went on holiday with a close friend a month after the BU who I am suspicious about and posted loads of pics of them looking like a couple - I didn't retaliate and ask if anything happened on the holiday even though I was desperately curious (still tempted to ask her if anything happened!).

- She then reminds me we need to swap stuff and suggests we meet for lunch or drinks - I say 'ok' and fix in a lunch meeting.

- Day later she texts me asking if we can speak as she really needs advice on something (house she's buying) and needs someone she can trust to talk to - I let her call, help her out, she messages me next day saying 'you're a star thanks so so much i couldn't have understood all that without you'.

- We meet for lunch and swap stuff a week later - I stay calm and don't bring up the BU or relationship at all. She seemed a bit uneasy but we did laugh a lot.

 

That meeting was 2 weeks ago - haven't heard a thing except her inviting me to an event on facebook which is near my flat and next week. Don't think I should go.

 

So... I still love this girl, I've lost a huge part of my life and miss her like mad, I was with her for 2.5 yrs, no arguments, amazing fun, the most attractive girl I have ever seen anywhere in my life who I fancied more after 2.5 years than on day 1, and someone I truly would have married in a flash and wanted to spend my life with - and whilst I avoided the begging she must know how I feel.

 

So when I went straight NC then verbally imposed it when she made contact as I figured it's best for me, why does she keep contacting (although been nothing for 2 weeks now)? Is it to just make herself feel less guilty by seeing I don't react, beg for her back, give her the advice she wants, 'seem' to be doing ok even though I'm hurting more than I ever imagined possible? Does she just want to check that I am ok? Does the fact that I haven't intiated contact once make her uneasy and curious? Any thoughts much appreciated....

[Hollyj]

Please read the article I posted on page 1. It will answer your questions. There are comments from other readers that follow.

[Hollyj]

I forgot to add, you're story is not unique. Many have of us have been there.

[vel2011]

So what do I do... ignore all future contact? Is all this her just wanting to feel better about herself?

[Hollyj]

So what do I do... ignore all future contact? Is all this her just wanting to feel better about herself?

 

Did you read the article? If so, you know what to do.

 

If the contact hurts and sets you back, you remain NC. The only contact should be is if she wants to reconcile. Period. I would also avoid events you know she may attend.

 

It's time for you to treat yourself with some care, and that is by remaining NC and moving on. Remember, she dumped you and you owe her nothing!

[Mesemene]

I'd say more like she's weaning herself away from you instead of going cold turkey - and since you still have feelings, she's just dragging things out for you.

 

I don't think most of our exes who do this are doing it intentionally - it's just thoughtless and inconsiderate, they're going by it making things easier for THEM, and not considering we're not in the same position they are. What makes it easier for them does not make it easier for us!

 

And yes, since you've already stated you don't want contact, and it's not being respected, just continue with the no response. You've already explained and advised what you need to her - you're certainly not obligated to repeat it.

[RitaTrue]

 

I don't think most of our exes who do this are doing it intentionally - it's just thoughtless and inconsiderate, they're going by it making things easier for THEM, and not considering we're not in the same position they are. What makes it easier for them does not make it easier for us!

 

And yes, since you've already stated you don't want contact, and it's not being respected, just continue with the no response. You've already explained and advised what you need to her - you're certainly not obligated to repeat it.

 

Mesemene, I know this was aimed at someone else, but I felt it applied to me also. Your words struck a chord with me: you're right. It is thoughtless and inconsiderate, what they're doing. That's the part that hurts the most. The fact that they completely jump over the fact that we also are hurting, and jump straight into what's most convienient and easy for them; to the person who they once said that they loved, they hurt. Whether it's intentional or not. Its no bueno.

 

Since you've made this post, my ex has called again I think to remind me that he's in the area and to meet up with him. But fortunately I was working, so I couldnt meet up with him, even if I was tempted to.

[RitaTrue]

In the beginning it was also hard for me to accept her advice, but I knew she was right. So do you!

 

This man is not respecting you and is being very selfish. Period! If he doesn't want to reconcile, and you have asked him to leave you alone, then there should be NC. This man is preventing you from moving on with his contact, i would either block or change my number-email included.

 

Time to look at his actions, as he is not considering your feelings!

 

Hollyj, you have SPOKEN TRUTH

He IS being selfish, and that's the part that hurts the most. I dont want to believe that about him, but I have to face it. I can't excuse it onto anything else: communication problems or his feelings, or whatever else. He understood me. And he did back off. But when he felt like he was losing control, or that I was leaving him behind, that's when he decided to be Mr Attentive. It's very sad

 

I dont know whats sadder, the fact that he's hurting me and doesnt know, or that he could know and doesnt care.

[RitaTrue]

He isn't saying he made a mistake... he isn't saying he'd like to try again... this is him fishing for friendship or at least checking up on you is all.

 

He is upping the contact because you are ignoring him. Its unsettling him and he isn't in control. He doesn't like not being in control.

 

Your best bet is just to quietly move on until you reach a point you really want just friendship (AND, remember not to fool yourself that you are ready when you aren't). If you emailed him stating you need to be left alone to heal and not to contact you unless he wants to try to reconcile then you've done your part.

 

I would ignore ignore ignore until I was ready.

 

Good Luck

 

You're right. I guess my big question is his motives. Not the fact that he's fishing for friendship, but what kind of friendship. If it was sincere friendship, I feel he'd respect my feelings and let me be, until I was ready to come to him (since I initiated the NC). But with this type of "friendship", where he keeps calling and calling, is because, like you said, he feels out of control and unsure, and doesnt like it. It has nothing to do with sincere friendship. Just selfishness. And that hurts

 

I re-read my NC letter. I never told him when I'd re-initate contact with him. Maybe he feels a month is long enough? Who knows?

 

We're not getting back together. That part's done with us.

[Mesemene]

Rita, it really bites. I admit, the first time I went through the "ex calls" I had mixed emotions, from "yay he called me!" to "he called me for WHAT??? To get his test scores for him???"

 

And then... I got decidedly peeved.

 

I didn't SAY it to him, but my thoughts went something like:

"You rat BLEEP, you tore out my heart, looked at it for a while, and tossed it over your shoulder into the trash - and you want what. Me to assuage your guilt? Your best pal to still be here for you? To see how badly you hurt me, and maybe look back and make sure you made the right decision? A trip to the beach with sex included, because you think it would be FUN??? You have SOME nerve!!! You know what??? Go BLEEP yourself, you jerk!"

 

I won't say it was the last time I responded - sadly... but my outlook definitely changed, and after that, I just... didn't answer.

[RitaTrue]

Thats what I feel my ex wants too, more or less.

 

After you had those thoughts, how much longer did your ex keep calling until he....gave up?

[Mesemene]

I think he sensed the change in my tone of voice, because he only called a couple of times after that before leaving it for a while.

 

I did find out MUCH later, he called 6 months after that - but got my roommate, who "took a message" but never passed it on. At the time I found out about the missed message, I was annoyed. But in retrospect - thank you, Jon. I'd probably have taken the call or returned it after that long, and there's no guarantee I wouldn't have gone running back into his less than loving arms >_

[Hollyj]

Hollyj, you have SPOKEN TRUTH

He IS being selfish, and that's the part that hurts the most. I dont want to believe that about him, but I have to face it. I can't excuse it onto anything else: communication problems or his feelings, or whatever else. He understood me. And he did back off. But when he felt like he was losing control, or that I was leaving him behind, that's when he decided to be Mr Attentive. It's very sad

 

I dont know whats sadder, the fact that he's hurting me and doesnt know, or that he could know and doesnt care.

 

Hon, you're not talking care of yourself. Every time you answer, you show that you are not serious about NC, you are allowing him to disrespect you. He doesn't wasn't want the relationship and is hurting you, it's time to cut him off!

 

You cannot control others, but you can control yourself: time to block and delete all forms of contact.