not sure what to do

[chopstixmaster]

a month and a half ago my ex broke up with me for various reasons. we went the beach, she told me she loved me, everything was good and two days later she broke up with me. the reasons she said were i just dont see it working out in the future, im goin to transfer, i shouldnt be committed right now im too young, i need to see more guys. all of these reasons came out of nowhere. and i do not see them being an obstacle to our relationship if they are legit reasons. after talking for a while i found out she talked to her mom. all the reasons she gave to me were from her mom. her mom has always hated me just for the fact that i am cambodian and my ex is chinese and apparently im not good enough. her mom has always been trying to break us up by making my ex feel bad about herself. everything is extremely wonderful when her mom is not involved. my ex's sister was completey surprised by the quick change of heart. so we had no contact for a month. once we got back to school she was supposed to call me because we were supposed to clear things up about being friends or not. she didnt even wanna call me b/c she said things would be hard or weird. eventually we saw each other and i could tell she had feelings for me. i asked more questions and the way she reacted i knew her mom was why we broke up. she cried a bunch and i knew she was torn between doin what she wanted and doin what her mom wants. i talked to her sister and found out her mom told her not to be friends with me b/c her feelings would come back. the past few days i bumped into her a few times and i could tell she was happy to see me. it is hard for me to get over her b/c we didnt fight or cheated on each other, we broke up for a dumb reason. we obviously have feelings for each other still. the two years we were together were amazing and i just dont understand how it can change so dramatically in two days. i want to get back with her i jsut dont know how i should act or what i should to or say.

[AzurePhoenix]

I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

It is very difficult for her culturally to separate her identity and desires from her family. This has likely caused her great stress in the past and for some reason she needed the stress to be resolved. In this case to relieve the stress means that she had to break up with you.

 

In this relationship, and in many relationships where one party is very closely tied to a family there are three relationships. In this case there is a relationship between you and her, there is one between her and her family and there is one between you and her family. (You might want to diagram this out on a piece of paper for clarity). What you have here are three nodes (people/entitys) and three lines representing the relationships.

 

When a triangle like this is in imbalance, it causes stress. The stress is caused between you and the mother (or family).

 

So.. now that I have shown you the theory behind this.. how to put it into practical application. First question: Why does the mother do hate you? What are the drivers that motivate her to try to push you from her daughters life? What can you do to change or influence those drivers? Lastly, what changed in your girl friends life when you broke up that drove the stress levels to the point that she felt like she needed to break up with you.

 

When you answer these questions, you may see a clearer course of action if you want to get back together with this girl.

 

Best of luck~

 

~AzurePhoenix

[light bulb]

My breakup was somewhat similar. My ex has always been a robot when it comes to her family telling her what to do...who she votes for, what she studies in school, ect. Once she started confiding in her mother about our relationship, she completely changed. She later told me that many of her motives for leaving me where because her mother and father (and aunts and uncles) made her realize that I was not the one for her and she needs to experience more men before settling down. WTH? What do they know, right? Just because their marriages suck (and they do...abusive husbands and one abusive wife) and they have regrets about settling too young doesn't mean the same thing would happen to her.

 

Well, the bottom line is, it doesn't matter. Ultimately, she made the decision to leave me, just as your ex made the decision to leave you. Continuing to think things like "if this didn't happen" or "if that would have happened" will do nothing but make it harder for you to heal.

 

My suggestion to you, if you really want her back, would be to talk to the mother. Be confident and act like a man. Don't get emotional and don't look at her as an adult...look at her as your equal. Still show respect though of course.

 

Good luck either way!