Is it right for my boyfriend to blame my mood on arguments?

[Lauracs]

Basically, I've recently been diagnosed with depression and trauma symptoms, and i'm being put on medication. My boyfriend knows full well about my past and how it's effecting me and that I get really low sometimes/often.

 

However, for a long time, say over a year, his friends have always been really horrible to me. They'd sit and insult me to my face and make nasty comments about my appearance and bring up who my boyfriend had slept with in the past over and over and my boyfriend would just sit and let them say it all. I'm not really the type to stand up for myself either so I'd just take it. I was always nice to them despite this, which I know sound bad, but obviously I wasn't going to be mean to his friends, I'd always invite them out with us when we'd be going to the pub or that, and again they'd insult me or tell me to " * * * * off" down the phone. Eventually this all just built up and I couldn't deal with them anymore so I told one of them " * * * * you" to their face, and suddenly they were all like "she's such a * * * * * , she's so immature" etc. Now I know this sounds very high school, but it is effecting my relationship.

 

I also deleted one of my boyfriend's friends from Facebook because I was trying to make my friends list shorter, and when he eventually realised he started messaging me horrible things, saying I'm "psychotic".. so I told my boyfriend, and he sent his friend a message saying "...she's in the wrong here i'm not on her side don't worry and I won't be putting up with her getting like this again" ...what the hell?! I felt really betrayed, the fact that I hadn't done anything wrong and that he was fully taking his friends side and basically saying it was okay for him to say all those horrible things to me.

 

This has become a reoccuring argument because I'm angry that my boyfriend never stood up for me, and he blames it on my mood/depression. He says that the only reason its a problem is due to how I'm feeling, when I "get like this". Am I wrong? Is it really me? Or do I have every right to be pretty pissed that he never stood up for me and I had to take all that abuse and he basically said he wasnt on my side and it's my fault?

[LeoB]

In therapy, you would be best served to learn to stand up for yourself. By being assertive, you will become stronger and begin to see your boundaries more clearly. It's not your boyfriend's job to defend you.

 

But. And this is a big but. It is terrible that your boyfriend's friends are abusive and I think they feel like they have permission because your boyfriend has not dumped them or gotten angry. It's unacceptable how the friends are treating you. And I think it reflects badly on your boyfriend that he remains friends with them.

 

I suspect your boyfriend may be gaslighting you. I truly hope you are going to therapy regularly because I think he is complicating your recovery. You might want to think about cutting your boyfriend out of your life.

[Lauracs]

I do realise it's not his job to defend me, but how can he sit there and listen to them saying horrible things to me and be okay with it? I know if I was in his position I wouldn't stand for my friends saying anything nasty to the person I love. After the messages he told his friends to "stop it" and they didn't, so he believes because he said that that he's done enough. But he didn't get angry at them. He didn't tell them it bothered him. One of his friends is even trying to turn people against me, and he did this in front of me and my boyfriend and nothing was done about it. It's just making me feel isolated.

[agent1607307371]

I do realise it's not his job to defend me.

 

But, to an extent, it is. I would never sit there and listen to friends talking to my partner in that way.

 

I agree that he could be gaslighting you. Which is nasty because it's so insidious, it's hard to realise that it's happening.

[Lauracs]

It's that way where they say really horrible things, such as calling me psychotic, and because I clearly have something wrong with me I begin to think he's told them so. Otherwise it could just be them trying to hurt my feelings, but that word choice does arouse suspicion? And also a guy who is friend's with one of his friends, but I've never met the person before, commented about me saying "some people just go all psycho and dump their boyfriends". Afterwards this person said sorry for their comment and that they thought I'd hurt my boyfriend so they wanted to say something nasty to cheer him up. So where did they get that *I* hurt him from? My boyfriend insists that he hasn't said anything to them..

[agent1607307371]

Is there any way you could spend less time with your bf's friends? Just for your own peace of mind regarding what they'll say to you.

[Cheetarah]

I tend to believe in 'birds of a feather, flock together', for the most part. I can't believe your boyfriend would just sit there and let them trash talk you? Why he would allow your friends to be so disrespectful is beyond me, what kind of character IS he? Not that he can control their behavior, but he could let it be known that he doesn't like that talk/won't be around it.

 

How does this guy treat you aside from this?

[Lauracs]

I can't believe he does it either. At one of his house parties I continously had to leave the room because of what they were saying. And he was all "I dont know whats up with her"..... ¬_¬ and I spent the rest of the night crying in his bed and he only came to check on me once and just kept saying "I dont know what I've done wrong" and i told him, as I've told him before, and his response is always that he "can't control them". That doesn't mean he can't make it clear that he doesn't like what theyre doing. And he's still blaming me for the whole situation, saying that it's only an issue because I get upset about it. Is it not normal when someone is horrible to you for you to get upset?!

[Cheetarah]

Of course it's normal. But it seems like you're starting to doubt yourself even in a small way, someone mentioned gaslighting, I think that's a good point.

 

How is your relationship as a whole?

[Tanzi]

The way your bf's friends are treating you is wrong. The fact that he just sits back and allows them to treat you this way is wrong. They are his friends and you are his girlfriend. I think it is TOTALLY his place to tell them to cut it out. He should be springing to your defence as, clearly, standing up for yourself alone doesn't work .... they just throw around the word "psychotic" and disrespect you even more. One word from him and this could all stop. Unless he is scared of them himself. If so then that says a lot about his friends and so far his non-actions say a lot about him too. Why on earth would he need to tell them that he is on their side and not on yours? Why is he talking of sides? How old is he? ... 5! There shouldn't have to be any sides and your relationship shouldn't have to be a battle. Personally I think you would be far better off breaking free from this playground and leaving them all there.

 

I don't think this relationship is helping you at all. What is he like away from his friends? Do you spend much time away from his friends?

[Lauracs]

He keeps saying he's the only person who cares for me and wants to help me, and that getting rid of him won't help me. He's 21... and he lets them be horrible to him too. So yeah he really does seem quite afraid of them.. He said that in his message to his friend that he wasn't trying to pick a side but have it "balanced", despite the fact that saying "I'm not on her side here, she's in the wrong" clearly screams the opposite.. and he's stupid enough to try to tell me that after saying that to the guy (and the fact that when i asked to see what he'd said to him, he didnt want me to read it...) that he is on my side.. how am i meant to believe that?

[Cheetarah]

He keeps saying he's the only person who cares for me and wants to help me, and that getting rid of him won't help me.

 

That just SCREAMS control-freak, honestly. Like he's attempting to make you dependent on him so you'll feel like you can't do without him...(Do you ever feel that way?)

 

I'm curious to know how he deludes himself into thinking he's 'helping' by letting his friends verbally attack you.

 

This guy has piss poor boundaries.

[Lauracs]

We were fine at the beginning of our relationship, before I'd met his friends. But then after a long period of not meeting them I got a bit pissed off that I'd let him meet all my close friends and that they'd always invite him to social events, whereas he'd go out with his friends or to their parties without me. Then when he did eventually invite me to a party, well his friend invited me, my boyfriend just left me in a room full of strangers and didn't introduce me to anybody, then left to go sit in a bedroom with loads of girls getting drunk, and only came back into the room to get more booze and didn't even look at me. But he basically takes the stance of "its in the past, its been dealt with, lets move on from it" but he doesn't understand that he's hurt me, and that he does nothing about it. He says sorry, I forgive him, then thats it. But he doesn't even see the half things he's done as a problem, then when I bring them up as one to try to confront them and deal with them, he blames it on my mood, my depression.

[Tanzi]

He keeps saying he's the only person who cares for me and wants to help me, and that getting rid of him won't help me. He's 21... and he lets them be horrible to him too. So yeah he really does seem quite afraid of them.. He said that in his message to his friend that he wasn't trying to pick a side but have it "balanced", despite the fact that saying "I'm not on her side here, she's in the wrong" clearly screams the opposite.. and he's stupid enough to try to tell me that after saying that to the guy (and the fact that when i asked to see what he'd said to him, he didnt want me to read it...) that he is on my side.. how am i meant to believe that?

 

Ok, I think I get it now. He is too afraid to stand up to them, on his own behalf and on yours. Instead he goes along with whatever they say and really wants you to do the same. He is looking to you to do the right thing (well right for him anyway) , ie. ignore it and/or go along with it, because he knows his friends won't. He is piggy in the middle and to try to keep the peace he pacifies both them and you by telling you all what you want to hear, (ie. them: "she is in the wrong, I'm on your side" and, you: "I wasn't trying to pick sides but keep it balanced") whilst getting frustrated at you for the position he is in.

 

And don't believe he is the only one who cares for you and that getting rid of him won't help you. It sounds as though he needs you more than you need him to be perfectly honest. He knows it and he is trying his hardest to control your emotions so you stay with him.

 

He needs to grow some b***s and sprout a d**k. Or at the very least you should both stop spending so much time with his friends. Why does he want to spend so much time with them if they are horrible to him too?

[Lauracs]

The whole reason we had to spend so much time with his friends in the first place was because they kept saying things to me like "you've taken our best friend away from us" or that I had him "whipped" when this wasnt the case at all. I kept saying to him to hang out with his friends, but he'd always pick me over them, which just made them dislike me. Once we were out in the city and his friend phoned him drunk and asked him to come to a party and he asked me if it was okay, and I said "yeah you should go" because I knew if I said no, we're here and we've planned this day together, then his friends would take a disliking to me. So i let him leave me to go take care of his drunk friend. And yet they still turned around and said I was stopping him from seeing them.. when I wasnt doing that at all?! Once when we were at the pub I phoned them to try to get them to meet up with him, and their reply was to shout " * * * * off" to me. I told my boyfriend this after I hung up, and he just didn't respond.

[agent1607307371]

He keeps saying he's the only person who cares for me and wants to help me, and that getting rid of him won't help me.

 

But keeping him is definitely not helping...

 

He sounds young and immature, and making up for the lack of control he has in regards to his friends by attempting to control you.

 

He is NOT the only person who cares about you and he does NOT sound like he's helping you.

 

How does he behave around your friends?

[Lauracs]

Around my friends he's all shy or all over me, which annoyed me because it's hard to have a conversation with someone when youve got someone holding onto you and being almost possessive.. whereas around his friends he wouldnt be like that with me at all. I think it's because his friends like attention, and because he was diverting all of his onto me they'd get jealous. My friends thought everything was fine between us then I started to tell them things he'd done and said, such as saying "I wish you had bigger boobs" and trying to make out it was a joke (after knowing that I'm insecure and the fact that I do have small boobs, that seems like the dumbest thing to say, like saying to an overweight person that you wish they were skinny..) and he has a habit that after he insults me about something, he'll go on and on about how he feels the opposite, insisting that my boobs are "great" and "perfect" when it's like you cant wish they were bigger and say that you don't wish they were bigger.. you either feel one way or the other. its like he only changes his opinion when something he's said has hurt me, so he's most likely only saying the opposite because he thinks its what i want to hear.

[Tanzi]

We were fine at the beginning of our relationship, before I'd met his friends. But then after a long period of not meeting them I got a bit pissed off that I'd let him meet all my close friends and that they'd always invite him to social events, whereas he'd go out with his friends or to their parties without me..

 

Well now you know why he probably didn't.

 

Then when he did eventually invite me to a party, well his friend invited me, my boyfriend just left me in a room full of strangers and didn't introduce me to anybody, then left to go sit in a bedroom with loads of girls getting drunk, and only came back into the room to get more booze and didn't even look at me. But he basically takes the stance of "its in the past, its been dealt with, lets move on from it" but he doesn't understand that he's hurt me, and that he does nothing about it. He says sorry, I forgive him, then thats it. But he doesn't even see the half things he's done as a problem, then when I bring them up as one to try to confront them and deal with them, he blames it on my mood, my depression.

 

Perhaps he knew what was coming, didn't want to witness it or be a party to it and therefore decided to shy away. Based on what you have told us to blame all this on your moods and depression s just wrong. Honestly it sounds like this guy has issues of his own. On the whole this relationship is unhealthy for you as he will drag you back and hold you down. If you don't want to end it then you are going have to have a talk with him. Tell him you won't be fobbed off anymore and neither will you stick around to be ridiculed and that if you both want to continue on with this relationship then you are both going to have to decide what to do to tackle the problem areas ... mainly his friends. Perhaps you shouldn't spend so much time together with them or perhaps he should hang out with them alone. Whatever, he is either willing to work with you on this or he isn't. If he isn't then that, in itself, speaks volumes.

[Lauracs]

He says he will talk to them and that what they've done is unacceptable, and yet he hasn't took any action in saying this to them. It's like he'll just tell me he'll do that so that I'll be okay with him, then because he hasn't done anything and I'm angry about that, he'll continue to say that it's my mood thats to blame. I've cut them out, I don't hang out with them either, however recently we were invited on a night out and the one who was messaging me was there, we ignored each other but I overheard the guy telling people there to "hate me" and saying that I apparently have a "grudge" against him.. my boyfriend heard him saying this, did nothing, then when I keep bringing it up he says "yeah I'm really not happy with that" so what are you going to do about it? oh wait, nothing. He asked them why they have a problem with me in the first place and their response was "she's a * * * * * ".

[Lauracs]

But I had cut them out a long time ago, it just took them a while to notice, then as I said I got messaged a load of abuse for doing so. When it's like, they clearly didn't like me, so why did they care so much that I'd cut them out?! Maybe they just enjoyed having someone around to be mean to to make themselves feel better.

[Tanzi]

It seems that is all he ever does ... telling people things that he thinks they want to hear, regardless of the consequences. Honestly, he seems like a total waste of space to me.

 

my daughter's boyfriend's friends don't like her. For pretty much the same reason as you described above. They also think he is "whipped". They spend a lot of time together but whereas my daughter's friend accept him in their group of friends it doesn't seem to work the other way around. However he just laughs off their comments and ignores them. He doesn' them their remarks intimidate him an he has evan fallen out with one of his friends over something nasty he said regarding by daughter. He makes it clear that he is with her because he chooses to be and not because he is "whipped". Guys seem to love using that word when one of their friends likes to spend more time with a girl than them. They just can't accept that it is because he might actually want to. Anyhow my daughter, her bf and their respective friends are all 16. Your bf is 21 and he and his friends should have grown out of all of this by now.

[Lauracs]

He doesn't make any effort to see his friends. Which is why I had to spend so much time with them, because it was me who was constantly inviting them out just so that I wouldnt have to be told that they havent seen him in ages therefore thats my fault, not his, and that I have him "whipped". I shouldn't have had to play mother.. he should have been perfectly capable of arranging plans with them himself, and when they would invite him out he'd say no and they'd assume it was because he was with me, even when he wasn't, which was his fault. and my friends always wanted to include him in things, whereas his friends would never include me in anything.

[Tanzi]

He says he will talk to them and that what they've done is unacceptable, and yet he hasn't took any action in saying this to them. It's like he'll just tell me he'll do that so that I'll be okay with him, then because he hasn't done anything and I'm angry about that, he'll continue to say that it's my mood thats to blame.

At least he is being consistant, lol. Joke!! I think we all know by now that he WONT say anything. Again, he is just trying to pacify you to keep the peace. At the end of the day its easier for him to blame it on your moods than it is to blame them and then have to deal with them.

 

But I had cut them out a long time ago, it just took them a while to notice, then as I said I got messaged a load of abuse for doing so. When it's like, they clearly didn't like me, so why did they care so much that I'd cut them out?! Maybe they just enjoyed having someone around to be mean to to make themselves feel better.

 

All you can do is keep them out and ignore their abuse. They will get over it and move on from abusing you over it. You probably provide them with some entertainment in their otherwise bored lives. You are an easy target .. not because of you but because of your bf. It probably amuses them that he won't stick up for you. They could just be just be plain old jealous that he has got a gf. Do any of them have any gf's?

[Tanzi]

He doesn't make any effort to see his friends. Which is why I had to spend so much time with them, because it was me who was constantly inviting them out just so that I wouldnt have to be told that they havent seen him in ages therefore thats my fault, not his, and that I have him "whipped". I shouldn't have had to play mother.. he should have been perfectly capable of arranging plans with them himself, and when they would invite him out he'd say no and they'd assume it was because he was with me, even when he wasn't, which was his fault. and my friends always wanted to include him in things, whereas his friends would never include me in anything.

 

If they are horrible to him too then its not surprisng that he doesn't like hanging out with them. You are his saviour in that respect. It is as I thought ... he needs you more than you need him.

[Lauracs]

They don't have girlfriends no, which was probably obvious. They're the type who talk to loads of girls and think that every girl wants them, one of them constantly cheats on anyone he dates and when the girl is stupid enough to sleep with him, he dumps her immediately after. And my boyfriend says "I take the blame that im due. but you need to listen to your own words when youve said you need to stop being so affected by all this and stop blaming it on me. because i dont deserve it, im the one who cares the most, or do i deserve it?"