I need someone to listen and then tell me what you think

[kauaiangirl83]

Ok, here's the deal. My bf lives in San francisco and i live in hawaii and in 2 weeks i'm planning (or was planning) on moving in with him because living with my mom and her bf is just too unbearable for me.

 

Anyways, last night, my bf called me after he said goodnight because he woke up to a horrible dream. I kissed another guy before we met in person (we met online) but we were basically together. This broke his trust and ever since then he's been having these horrible night mares about once or twice a week. I feel bad that he has to go through this and it makes me feel like he doesn't know that i love him. I haven't done anything close to this since then because i learned my lesson and i would hate to hurt him like i did. I'm still dealing with the guilt because i feel so bad even though this was Spring break of 2003. I reassure him that i love him and that i know that he loves me and we say goodnight. He tells me that we can have a "special morning" aka phone sex before he goes to work.

 

Last night, I couldn't sleep very well because i have a cold so i was up most of the night blowing my nose which sucked really bad. So when he called me at 5:30 am I was awake. my cell phone rang twice and then he hung up. I called him back and we talked for a little bit, just said good morning blah blah blah. I asked him if he slept better after we talked and he said yes. I told him that i didn't sleep too well, but i was glad that i got to talk to him before work. I started to tell him about a sexual dream that i had about us kinda expecting to get things started if you know what i mean.

 

Anyways, then he tells me that he's not in the mood. And i'm shocked. He is always in the mood unless he's mad at me. So i asked him what's wrong and he says that the dream really messed with his head so he doesn't feel like it this morning.

 

I took it as he was punishing me for kissing that guy like over a year ago. My bf then got upset when i was asking him for a reason. I felt like he didn't want me at all anymore. And just the night before he was crying to me saying that he really wanted me to come over there soon because he misses me and he's lonely.

 

Am i totally not making any sense? I feel like such a jerk for feeling this way. He said that he needed to cool off and take a shower and when he'd call back, everything would be a- ok. I didn't like this idea so i asked him if we could just make up real quick before he got in the shower. this made him more mad. He said that he loved me and that he was going to hang up, but while he was saying that i was like please can we just try this one time, but he hung up on me.

 

When he called me back later, he seemed fine, but i was pissed because he had hung up on me and i think that's totally rude, but i dont' know how to get him to stop doing that. When i told him this, he hung up on me again. I tried to call him back, but he's not answering his phone.

 

I'm really confused. Has anyone else gone through this? If you've gotten this far, please help me...Any advice is better than nothing. Thanks so much...

 

 

When

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

Well my first reaction to your post is that he is just really anxious for you to come, and probably a little nervous about you moving in, and all of this excitement is causing him to be a little on the edge.

 

I know what you mean about wanting to make up and resolve issues before you get off the phone or send each other on your way each day.... we women tend to favor that approach, while men view things much differently. Of course this is a generalization but it's been true with every guy I've met: When we fret over something such as you did (him not being in the mood), the guy actually only needs some time to just get over it and then he'll forget about it. We (females) tend to drag things out more.... and try to find reasoning, while men just need a few minutes or hours and then they forget about it. Another thing I've found is that usually, the bigger picture (in this case, being your relationship) is usually fine unless the guy actually says that it's not... literally. It has been my experience that men are pretty much "what you see is what you get" and unless you come right out and ask a specific question or they say something specific, it's only a temporary tiff. Of course these are only my experiences but try it.... while we women pick everything apart and try to figure out what happened and how to avoid it in the future, men don't think like that. They are more compartmentalized and have the ability to separate their thoughts better and simplify their thinking...... it's hard to explain but I hope you understand what I'm saying.

 

I guess at this point my advice would be to give him some time and don't call him for awhile. If you don't hear from him within the next day or so, call him and leave him a very calm message saying that you're sorry you had a misunderstanding/argument and that you want to make up. Make it short and sweet and don't nag or act worried. Tell him you love him and wait for a reply. He will call back..... I think he's just nervous right now.

[kauaiangirl83]

While he has called me back, i'm still sorting through all these thoughts running in my head. I don't like it when we fight at all so i think that if we fight about something, talk about it and resolve it, we should be fine and not have to fight about it again.

 

My bf, however, loves to (what seems to me) ignore the issue at hand. He gets frustrated when I "bring it up again." Just the mentioning of us being ok makes him angry and the cycle starts again with him hanging up on me. I dont' think it's cool that he does that, in fact i think it's childish, but i'm afraid to tell him this because he will get mad and hang up and this problem will erupt.

 

i'm just confused right now...

[Princess777]

See, that is exactly what I was trying to explain. Once the guy forgets about it, if you bring it up again, they don't understand why. While a female brings it up again because she isn't content with the outcome, the guy thinks that it's over with and why bother talking about it.

 

Don't take it personally, I think once you understand the difference in the way males vs. females think, the more you'll understand his behavior and reactions. It really, really helps to understand the differences because it helps you to not take it personally.

[kauaiangirl83]

thanks a lot princess

 

I think i just need to chill out.

[YrsOfHurt]

See, that is exactly what I was trying to explain. Once the guy forgets about it, if you bring it up again, they don't understand why. While a female brings it up again because she isn't content with the outcome, the guy thinks that it's over with and why bother talking about it.

 

I agree with Princess777, if you say you want to resolve it, and he tells you that he would just like to get it out of his head and call you back, he is respecting you by not pushing the problem onto you when you are the "innocent party" so to speak. He called you back and was fine until you brought it up again, which to him probably frustrates the heck out of him because you said you wanted to work it out and move on, but you can't let it go.

 

Understand what I am saying?

[kauaiangirl83]

Yah i understand what you guys are saying. I just hate how we're always fighting over the same stuff. should i just ignore it when it comes up? How do i just let it go?

[Michael2]

THis fight will continue till the end of time, I guarantee it, especially considering the distance and his insecurities.

 

Secondly, why on earth would you even tell him this.

 

There are two things on this earth that a guy does not want to hear.

 

1) The number of sexual partners you have: For one, no matter what number you tell them, you will hit the double standard wall immediately. Personally, and with some experience under my belt, it is best to keep this to yourself.

 

2) Wow, that is really tiny..

[kauaiangirl83]

when i said that i cheated on him, i kissed another guy before we met in person. My current bf took my virginity at age 20. Anyways, I didn't tell him, my so called best friend at the time felt like she needed to tell him herself.

[Princess777]

I can relate to how you feel with the frustration of the arguing over stupid stuff.... my husband and I are having a little tiff right now.... it drives me crazy. He said something last night that really hurt right before we went to bed just because he was in a bad mood and I know deep down that he didn't mean it, but I still want to know why he said it and do the over-analyzing thing... of course I'll never know and I'm tired of trying to understand it. There is no understanding WHY. So then, literally 5 minutes later we're lying there in bed and he actually said, "why are you laying so far away from me, get over here and cuddle..... I'm sorry" and he grabs me and pulls me next to him..... What the? Who knows. I just give up trying to figure men out. One minute he'll say something he doesn't mean then he wonders why I'm distant. He was over it in a matter of minutes.

 

Anyway, I guess my point with this is that even though people are married, nothing is perfect and these things happen all the time. We cannot stop them from happening, but you can control how you react. For instance, this morning I was rather neutral with him and he didn't offer much contact so I haven't called him yet to see how his morning is going, which I usually do. I'm just going to leave him alone because obviously he's got something on his mind and we already had plans to meet for lunch. Hopefully by then everything will be back to normal. I think the less you fret over the little things the better off you'll be as a couple.... you have to honor your partner's space. People get tired of fighting over insignificant things, and sometimes it's better to just let things go.

 

Have you heard from him yet? Good luck!

[kauaiangirl83]

Hi princess,

Thanks so much for your input. I have heard from him a few times, but things aren't going so well. I posted another thingy...maybe you should read that for the details. This morning, he calls me to tell me that he's going to work or whatever and i'm like ok. He asks me what's my problem and i said you just woke me up, give me a minute. He sounds like crap again this morning and i just don't understand why.

 

I think that if he sounds happy and is fine the next day, i can be fine too, but that doesn't seem to happen. He said that he doesn't want me to move up to San francisco as soon as we had wanted to because he doesn't think it's going to work out.

 

I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore. I'm fed up and i don't know what to do. I love him so much, but i'm hurting so bad.

 

When i told him nicely that it's not just my fault and he contributes to the pain too he hung up on me. He's just a wuss sometimes. I think that he's the one prolonging this fight because he tells me everything is fine, but then they're totally not fine at all. And he expects me to be fine after he breaks his promises to me.

 

I feel like i'm not worth anything to him when he gets like this. I try to tell him how i feel without making him feel bad, but he doesnt' care and he's pushing me farther and farther away...

 

Someone please help me!!!

[Princess777]

Well I know how to cure him of hanging up on you. Don't answer any of his calls for a long time and let them go to voicemail. After a few days or so, he'll really worry then finally answer the phone and tell him to never disrespect you by hanging up on you again or you're not answering the phone anymore. Tell him you can get that treatement anywhere, why should you put up with it from him!

[upstatemedic]

Hi kauaiangirl83,

 

I think you've got a pretty common problem on your hands, but you're looking for oversimplified advice. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years, and we have our tough times - in fact, we're in one right now. And as a result, I'm learning that no relationship problem is ever superficial or simple.

 

I think Princess is on the right track, but I also think she's being unnecessarily harsh on the guys. It's true, men and women have different ways of dealing with problems. Women want to talk about the problems they're experiencing, and talking about problems is the way they deal with them. Men deal with problems by retreating into their "cave" and fixing them themselves. They don't just "forget" about their problems - they back away from them, size them up, and make repairs - alone.

 

The difference becomes really apparent when you consider who is bringing a particular problem. When the guy has a problem with something, and he goes into his cave to fix it, the woman immediately assumes he's hiding something from her. But really, it's just his natural way of dealing with problems. When a woman has a problem, the man immediately puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and tries to fix it - when really the woman wants to talk about the problem, not be told the solution by the man.

 

Now what happens when we try to deal with problems using the opposite sex's methods? Well, if a woman tries to push a guy into talking about a problem that he really needs to work through on his own, he'll sulk further into his cave and push a big rock into the door way until he's got it figured out. If a man tries to offer a woman a male-type solution to a problem she needs to talk through, she'll get frusterated with him and push him away.

 

Throw your relationship into this formula. You've both got a problem. Your problem is that you don't like how he hangs up on you. His problem is that he's insecure about you possibly cheating on him.

 

You handle your problem by trying to talk to him about it, but he percieves it as a threat and hangs up on you. He handles his problem by distancing himself from you so that he can work through it, and you percieve that as a re-hashing of your original problem again!

 

So how do you break out of it? Like Pricess advised. FORCE yourself to let him handle his problem on his own. Don't bring it up, and if he brings it up, just tell him you're willing to give him as much time as he needs to work through it. Only talk about it - and TALK about it, not argue - if he insists on bringing it to light. In a man's mind, he'll be open to advice if he's seeking it, but not if it's unsolicited.

 

On the other hand, you've got to supress your urge to "fix" his problem with hanging up the phone by talking about it. That is the female way of handling the problem, and it will only make him want to hang up even more.

 

Believe it or not, this advice is straight out of the much-teased book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" - it's a fantastic book. Read it. Or find it on books-on-tape. That's what I did, and while it didn't eliminate all the problems in my relationship, it sure did help us a lot.

 

Good luck!

[kauaiangirl83]

Thanks a lot upstate medic..

 

Is it a coincidence (sp?) that i am currently reading Men are from Mars, women are from Venus? I'm almost done. I know that he's retreating into his cave and that i need to just let him do so, but it's way easier said than done. Maybe it would be easier if he did fix it while he's in his cave, but that's not the case.

 

Thanks for your input...

 

kauaiangirl83

[upstatemedic]

Coincidence, my dear, is when God works a mircale and chooses to remain anonymous

[Princess777]

Great advice from upstatemedic.....

 

No harshness intended on the guys, honestly! I was just trying to explain the difference in thinking styles..... sorry if I offended anyone

 

I guess I never thought about the possibility that men don't just "forget" about the problem - they evidently "solve" it in their own way. I haven't read that book, maybe I should too! It just appears that men forget about things in the female's eyes and act as if nothing happened, which is torture on us females!

 

Great insight and good information!