I need to get some advice from others regarding my marriage.

[YrsOfHurt]

Ok, this will be sort of long, so bear with me please. I have been with my husband for almost 6 years, and married just a little over 4 years. We have two daughters, one 4 yrs and one 3 mos old. I also have two older children from a previous relationship whom are 12 yrs and 11 yrs old. (son and daughter).

 

My husband treated me good in the beginning, but also kept me at a distance due to his previous marriage that ended horribly (with tragedy related to his 3 yr old son that I won't go into here). Now, I can understand why he can keep someone at a distance at first in our relationship, but to compare me to her when I am nothing like her, is unfair. (For one, I would never harm a child, unlike her) Also, he treats my two older children differently then our two children together.

 

My husband started drinking very heavily after we got married. He would not call or not come home until the early morning hours, and when I would get upset about that, he would tell me he didn't need to "check in" with me. He wasn't there for me during either pregnancy.

 

Now, I am not saying I didn't have any faults in the marriage, I know times I didn't leave him alone when I should have when he was drunk, but I felt no respect from him when he just couldn't even call to say that he wouldn't be home until late. At least I would know what was going on.

In 2002, he went to jail for battery against me after he came home drunk and got physical with me. He told me after that I put him in jail that he should had killed me or put me in the hospital. I wanted to believe it was all about the alcohol and the guy who loved me was still inside him somewhere. Things started to go better after he was sentenced to probation for it, and he came back home and promised counseling for us to save our marriage. None of it happened. He kept continuing to push me away.

 

I started to talk to a lawyer about divorce, then found out I was pregnant with our 3mo old daughter. My tubes were tied, so I considered her a sign that we were supposed to work things out. Crazy? I didn't know....just figured there was some reason she happened.

 

He had nothing to do with me during the pregnancy and told me that he found me unattractive and gross. That hurt me so much. He continued to look at porn on the computer but couldnt look at me.

 

For years of us being together, he had told me if I wasn't happy I could leave. Or that I was there only for our daughter not that he loved me.

 

NOW, turn of events. I recently told him I was very unhappy after he asked me why I was unhappy. I told him everything that hurt me and how much I wished to be happy and I have thought of leaving but had no where to go. That night, he promised me everything under the sun (NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED) to get me to stay. Even told me he would sue me for custody of our girls. (He tells me this everytime I have said I wanted to leave or give up on the marriage).

 

His quick fix for our problems is to just have us have sex. After I give in to sex, he always goes back to the mental abuse of telling me he doesn't love me, but swears this time it'll be different.

 

HELP!! I don't know what to do. I push him away everytime he gropes me right now, trying to initiate sex with me and he is getting mad at me. I asked him to take it slow, give me space and that I might come around. He doesn't listen to that. Any advice of what I should do?

[Carthiana]

Time to move. Just as I have said to someone else. It is his actions that speak the real truth, not the words. Anyone can say anything, takes a real man/woman to actually walk them, act them.

 

Draw the line, stick to it, and move on, if not for your sake for your kids as well. They will see this, and think that it is ok to be in a relationship like that when they are older

[YrsOfHurt]

Also, I really want to divorce him, but am scared to death of what he might do (especially taking the kids from me and trying to use them to get me to stop leaving him).

[Carthiana]

The only way you can gain strength is to do something you don't think you can do. I don't believe that strength is only gained by practice, but by first time experiences. You need to believe in yourself, or you will fall over your own feet as you start doubting your actions. You need to stay strong, steady, and follow though. Set a goal, and by all means meet it and go beyond!

 

Maybe this is something you will find that will better you, because the lack of strength is a weakness you have that perhaps this is the best time to address it and make it a strength instead by defeating it!

[avman]

You are right to move towards a divorce. You are not safe in that environment and neither are your children. He has done nothing to change his ways and you have already had to jail him for being violent.

 

Get a restraining order. File for divorce and for full custody (you will get it without a doubt with his history of domestic violence).

 

Trying to sort out his arguments is fruitless. If he's not sober then he's not thinking clearly. And his track record is terrible.

 

Please for your safety and the safety of the children, get out of the relationship.

[YrsOfHurt]

I have been hoping to save up enough money to move out so I can start over with my kids. He just keeps following me from room to room pestering me about not giving him a chance. I am scared to tell him to leave me alone, over and over as I have, but he just needs to let me be. He thinks that since I am there, that he has a chance to talk me out of it again. I don't want to do the shelter thing, but I just might have to. I know I can be strong, or I wouldn't have survived this as much as I have already.

[Carthiana]

I have been hoping to save up enough money to move out so I can start over with my kids. He just keeps following me from room to room pestering me about not giving him a chance. I am scared to tell him to leave me alone, over and over as I have, but he just needs to let me be. He thinks that since I am there, that he has a chance to talk me out of it again. I don't want to do the shelter thing, but I just might have to. I know I can be strong, or I wouldn't have survived this as much as I have already.

 

Say only what you need to say, and leave the rest to the wind. No need to give him any more ammo than he creates on his own. Let him talk to himself if that pleases him, don't talk to him if you don't feel like it.

[avman]

A shelter would only be temporary until you can get a restraining order that removes him from the house. Don't leave the kids, take them with you. A man who batters his wife doesn't stand a prayer in a custody fight.

 

How about some friends that you could stay with for awhile? Family? Do you attend a church? Many of those have programs where you can stay with another family temporarily until the crisis is over.

 

There are lots and lots of resources to help you. You wouldn't go through it alone.

[YrsOfHurt]

I have a best friend who is a guy and says he would be willing to help me and my kids out. I am afraid if I move in there with him until I get on my feet, that it will look bad on me. Will it?

[avman]

No, it will not. As long as the guy isn't a convicted felon or anything like that it would not have any bearing on the case. You have a more than valid reason for going there - you feel you are in danger and you needed a place to stay.

 

Take your friend up on his offer. He sounds like a good guy.

[Lacygirl]

You are right to move towards a divorce. You are not safe in that environment and neither are your children. He has done nothing to change his ways and you have already had to jail him for being violent.

 

Get a restraining order. File for divorce and for full custody (you will get it without a doubt with his history of domestic violence).

 

Trying to sort out his arguments is fruitless. If he's not sober then he's not thinking clearly. And his track record is terrible.

 

Please for your safety and the safety of the children, get out of the relationship.

I agree totally get out before you get hurt. My husband pulled a gun on me in 4-2001 I stayed because he promised to get help....well he has hit me (not hard) 2 times. and he has grabbed me on 2 occasions and put bruises on my arms. 3 weeks ago he went to grab my throat and I looked hard at him and said "don't do it or I will call 911" He backed down I took off my wedding ring and said "I am done" of course 2 days later he was sorry (Again) but I am not sorry I have made this decision. I feel totally free of him even though we are still living together for now. I know it will be hard to be a single parent again (the children are not his) but I did it before I knew him and I will again. I have had 3 weeks to think my own thoughts and I see now I have not really loved him for sometime because of the lack of respect and honesty he has not given me. I hope you can move on for your kids and yourself. Find a safe place within yourself and stay there ( I am not talking about a house) but your feelings and self respect you need to have right now.

[Carthiana]

You are right to move towards a divorce. You are not safe in that environment and neither are your children. He has done nothing to change his ways and you have already had to jail him for being violent.

 

Get a restraining order. File for divorce and for full custody (you will get it without a doubt with his history of domestic violence).

 

Trying to sort out his arguments is fruitless. If he's not sober then he's not thinking clearly. And his track record is terrible.

 

Please for your safety and the safety of the children, get out of the relationship.

I agree totally get out before you get hurt. My husband pulled a gun on me in 4-2001 I stayed because he promised to get help....well he has hit me (not hard) 2 times. and he has grabbed me on 2 occasions and put bruises on my arms. 3 weeks ago he went to grab my throat and I looked hard at him and said "don't do it or I will call 911" He backed down I took off my wedding ring and said "I am done" of course 2 days later he was sorry (Again) but I am not sorry I have made this decision. I feel totally free of him even though we are still living together for now. I know it will be hard to be a single parent again (the children are not his) but I did it before I knew him and I will again. I have had 3 weeks to think my own thoughts and I see now I have not really loved him for sometime because of the lack of respect and honesty he has not given me. I hope you can move on for your kids and yourself. Find a safe place within yourself and stay there ( I am not talking about a house) but your feelings and self respect you need to have right now.

 

What an inspiring story (and sad that you had to deal with it Lacy). You will be a good role model in this instance! It takes a lot of strength to do what you did!