Im so confused about my ex...

[BrianH46]

My gf of two year and a half years broke up with me a few weeks ago. She has been doing this repeatedly throughout summer and I would always convince her to stay. She was going through some depression at that time and I go to a University 3 hours away. I have school and volunteer on weekdays and work on weekends so we only see each other once every two months and she would come stay at my apt for a few weeks. That changed when her dad found out she cut her self from depression because of me so he hates me now and told her to stay away from me. So we have been dating in secret.

 

I don't like the fact that she hides our relationship from her dad and repeatedly talked to her about it, she always says that she would tell him if I wanted her too. But I can't ever bring myself to ask her to, she loves her dad so much and her dad is a good man and I understand why he doesn't want her to see me. This started to affect our relationship a lot, I want his blessing for the relationship and the thought of the strain he has on our relationship eats away at me. Its one thing if he hates me but if she is willing to stand up for me, i would be ecstatic but I feel that she doesn't. I mean my mom has always hated her from the beginning of the relationship because she was white, but I told my mom that despite how much I love her if she chooses to treat my ex badly i wont let her into that part of my life, so she backs off and acts civil to my ex. So yeah this eats away at this relationship and she keeps breaking up with me and we keep getting back together each time I feel more and more jaded. Until a few weeks ago when she does it again this time I tell her ok and go NC for a while. The two weeks that we were NC i felt free and light hearted even though I missed her, I felt I would be able to heal then move on. Then it happened my dog who was fighting against distemper for about a month finally died. I broke down and cried so much and called my ex, she consoled me.

 

After that she's been contacting me on a regular basis to cheer me up, she event bought me a teddy bear that looks like my dog and had it sent in the mail. As the days go on im finally starting to let my dog go and feel better and noticed she continues to contact me to tell me about her days and so forth and has nothing to do with my dog. I feel that we are cautiously testing each other and trying to get closer and I feel vulnerable again so I ask her do you want to be just friends, she responded with a I don't know and asked if it was fair. I told her yes and said goodnight.

 

So right now I feel confused my heart still aches so much from having lost my dog and I miss her and love her but dont know if i want her back, im sure she feels the same. On one hand we know so much about each other and what we have is extremely special but I feel we have lost so much of it. She's not good at expressing herself through words but she makes her feeling very clear when we are in person but there's the problem we are LDR. What should I do continue this friend business? go nc? btw she's a very sincere and down to earth person, extremely genuine so I know shes not playing games with me. sorry for the long post guys.