please give me advice?

[loulou37]

i am sorry it is so long...please bear with me, i need advice..

 

 

I met my boyfriend last september, we met online, he told me he was married but the relationship had broken down, he had told her that he didn't love her anymore, he has 2 children (4 and 7) with her so that is why he hadn't been able to leave the marital home....also they didn't want to separate as it they didn't want to upset the children (although he intended to leave sometime in the future when it felt right).

 

Well anyway we continued our relationship and around 3 months in we realized we were falling in love...April of this year he moved out in to a flat but did not tell the children, he still went to the house after work and put the kids to bed as he had always done, also he stayed weekends so they wouldn't know, all this was very hard for me to take, i had broke it off a few times and told him to deal with the problems first but we always came back together as we couldn't be apart...

 

A whole year of ups and downs, him finding it difficult in a new relationship and dealing with the old one and missing his kids...me wanting more and more of him and putting the pressure on (a few other problems besides) came to him breaking it off with me we were very much in love, our relationship was so loving, full of affection on both sides, we spoke every day, by telephone and text, he always said breaking up was never an option as he couldn't be without me....amongst all the other things he told me....i trusted him 100% in everything he said.

 

The month previous to the break up he went on holiday with his wife and the kids, so my holiday came up with my kids and i let my ex husband come bad mistake!! i told my ex boyfriend that i had agreed to let him come for him to see what it's like for me, how it feels every time i have to deal with him staying at his wife's house etc...

 

2 saturdays ago he called and told me he couldn't see us working, i couldn't take it so i cut him off...

 

He then text and told me he'd sent an email..i text back and told him i wouldn't read it, to go away and leave me alone, that he said he'd never hurt me and he has time and time again...

 

On the Wednesday i decided to read the email, he explained the reasons why it wouldn't work, including that the children would now be spending time at his in the week and he wouldn't be able to get down (he used to come down to mine on a Monday night and take the Tuesday off work) and how i took my ex husband on holiday out of spite...there were some other reasons for the break up mentioned in the email.....i text him and asked him if we could talk, he said we'd talk on the thursday night as the kids were at his..

 

So Thursday evening we spoke on the phone, we had agreed to meet one evening to talk through stuff, i had told him on the phone i loved him, he said he loved me too...ending the convo with hi saying "goodnight baby".

 

Next morning i text him, i said i wasn't sure if it was ok to text? but just letting you know i'm thinking about you, ...to have a good day "baby' x

 

I got a text saying he had been thinking and is still thinking about me, it's ok to text, he just didn't want to upset me anymore and give me the impression that all was ok, to have a good day, be happy as he always wanted me to be happy cos i deserved that and so much more, he meant it from the deepest part of his heart

 

I left him alone all weekend waiting for a text to let me know when we could meet...on the monday...as he hadn't text, i text him asking if he'd be home tonight, he said yes but with the kids, he said he was going to text to ask if i was ok and if we could talk on the phone after the kids were in bed...i said i'd rather talk face to face like we'd agreed, he said it would be a problem as he had a busy week, also he didn't want to upset me again as he still couldn't see a way of fixing things..i said at least tell me if you'd like to try...he said, how could he change things? he couldn't handle and manage everything, he'd f@cked up bigtime, done everything the wrong way round and done nothing right, he was sorry.

 

i just said, ok i'll just let you go..

 

he replied...i'm so so sorry, maybe i could only understand a little of how bad i've hurt you over the last year...she was right (his wife) i'm a c@nt, i just didn't realise it back then...

 

i didn't text back...i left it there....

 

not heard nothing from him since monday...when we've broke up in the past he's always text to see how i am...but this time nothing...

 

I want to meet with him, to talk things through and tell him that i'll give him the time and space to do what he's got to do, that i don't want to lose him...

 

would this just mess things up even more?

[digdug]

I've been on his side ... I AM on his side, and there is NO WAY he is or was ready for a relationship ... period. That is the brutal truth, and even though I don't know either of you, I do know how this works. I learned the hard way. If you want to know more about it please look at my first couple of threads.

 

I have children the exact same ages. I sat in my basement crying for over a year and half, every night while everyone was asleep. I was ready to move out and be on my own. Ready to end my marriage and move on, but needed to get straight with my feelings on leaving my boys. Once I did that, I moved out. I was soooo happy and truly felt I was gaining "me" back. Two months in, I met my GF. Convinced I was ready to roll on a new relationship I went forward. She even tried to back out after the first date. She wasn't sure she was up for it because she had JUST dated a man in the same position as me. Nonetheless, I talked her into it, and now I'm single. I screwed up my shot at a woman I had waited my whole life for. I still love her, but also know that until I get my crap together, there is NO WAY I deserve her, or even want her at this point. She broke it off, and quite frankly it might be the best thing that happened to me. My motivation is to use this to get stronger. Prove to myself, and ultimately her or anyone else I may fall for, that I am a confident, caring, and humorous man. I can't expect anyone to love me, if I don't love myself.

 

He hasn't had time to deal with any of that. You have provided a soft landing for him, and that is not fair to you or him. He needs time alone. Time to deal with his kids. Frankly they deserve his attention, not you. It's selfish for you to think any other way. He needs to grow from this or he will be no good to you, only dependent on you. He can't ask that of you, and you shouldn't provide it. It's not your job. Love and partnership is to be shared, not one sided and needy.

 

I think you'd being doing yourself and him a favor by not contacting him at all. Take time to improve yourself and grow from this. Don't reply to him, don't meet him. There is no closure that can come from it, because my guess is he doesn't even know if he's coming or going at this point. You deserve to be happy too, remember that. His issues are not yours to bare. You did not create them.

 

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I have VERY STRONG feelings on this, as my situation is very similar. Use this website as a way to help manage your feelings. When you get that urge to contact him, get on here and help someone else. The feeling that you avoided that conflict AND helped yourself is so much more empowering than going back to the empty feeling that put you here in the first place.

 

Good luck to you. You can reach out to me anytime. I'm more than happy to help you through this. Remember ... YOU are what is important in this. Not him. Even he is any kind of father, right now that is what he should be fixing his efforts towards.

[offplanet]

No don't try to talk things through with him any more. He's tried to tell you it's over. No use keeping on texting and checking how each other is going. What's the point of that? It seems clear he's made the decision. Let him go. It was messy anyway. Now he's got his kids there it's even more messy. Let go now. You've talked it through enough. He wants out.

[loulou37]

thank you for reading my message digdug and replying....yeah your answer did hit me hard to be honest

 

He the same told me i was the love of his life....he'd never been with anyone like me before and never felt the feelings he had with me before...

 

I wanted to wait for him to get his life in order...so you think there's just no point?

[digdug]

Let me turn it around and ask you ... is your life in order? If you hesitate, then I'd say no ... you deserve to work on yourself. Wait for what? NEVER wait for anyone, that is so unfair to you. If it doesn't work out in the long run, you'll hate yourself for wasting such a huge portion of you life.

 

My GF was the love of my life also, and probably will always hold the missing piece. But I can't expect her to love me and work on building a relationship with me, when part of my very foundation is gone. Why would you want him, if you can't have ALL of him? Don't you deserve more? I know his kids deserve a huge part of that right now, so what does that leave you with if he's working on empowering himself, and cultivating his children?

 

I say this all the time on here ... work on yourself and grow from this. Get some confidence and empower yourself for better things. One of two things is going to happen; either someone else is going to notice that strong confident woman and decide he'd like to ask you out for dinner, or your ex is going to come out of his growth period and realize what strong confident woman you are. It's really that simple. Either way, it's a no lose situation for you. You'll be ready to take on life and love, with confidence that will allow you to love unconditionally.

 

I will never say there is no point. If you choose to wait, that will be yours to bare.

[loulou37]

No my life isn't in order i met my ex 6 months after an awful break up....when my ex came along he was so supportive and caring, i never intended it to go so far then he became everything i had ever been looking for, i've never met a nicer more loving, thoughtful guy in my life ....he truly is the love of my life.....

 

Can i ask you digdug...did you ever see your ex gf again? if so what happened?

[digdug]

No, but it's been only since Monday night. I'll be honest though, Im not sure I'd be ready to talk anyway. If there is the remotest chance this could work I don't want back in until I know I'm ready. I need this time for me and my kids. When I am ready and centered will be when it's time for me to give my heart again. I want it to be completely for the right reasons.

[digdug]

Hey Loulou!! I'm sorry, I was out for a while. Met a friend of mine for a drink. Amazing how nice it feels to get out and just talk. In the middle of a conversation I got this huge lump in throat. My heart hurt and I just stopped. My GF crossed my mind and it stunted me. My friend noticed and asked if I was ok. I am, I think .... but see, we all still hurt and it's normal. Don't let it dictate how you will be through this. Don't let if define you. Use as a way to motivate you. So, while I'm still a little bummed about the bump in the road today, I'm still pretty happy I didn't let it trip me up. I like these little victories. I'll take what I can get.

[Mesemene]

Mesemene...christ!! you are so right in everything you say!!

 

I was "the other woman" until he finished it 7 weeks or so ago (my story is at the bottom) we met Tuesday gone but the outcome was still the same, back to square 1 for me.

 

the last line you wrote there "You're setting yourself up to be hurt, and you're already in a bad position as far as pretty much being on tap for him - and who's there for you?" was so true.

 

there is no one there for me, i feel like i'm free-falling, he's longer there to catch me

 

Copied this from the other thread, hope it's not going to be too confusing.

 

Hon - bear in mind - he was NEVER completely there to catch you. He may have said he was, he may have seemed to be, but when push came to shove - he had the support of both you AND his wife. No doubt if he was upset about something between you guys, he could come home after a "bad day at the office and after hours meetings" to get sympathy from her.

 

You deserve better than pouring your heart and soul into this man, who simply isn't available, and who isn't really, deep down, willing to sacrifice either his personal comfort zone, or his "other life," to commit to you 100%. That isn't including the kids - of course they'll come first, but his priorities don't have you after them, it's all on his time, what he wants, and when he wants it.

 

There are good, loving men out there who won't make you settle for half their time, less than half their life, and none of their commitment. You won't be ready to meet any of them for a while - but take this man's good qualities as a yardstick for what DID meet your needs - you've learned something about yourself from all this, painful as it is to let go.

 

And we're all here for you for that painstaking letting go, and winning yourself back.

[loulou37]

Thank you so much for your kind words, today I've realized it's really over, after i read some stuff on another website, from woman that were in the same situation as i was and the posts from yourself, i feel so differently now, i feel sick to my stomach that I've allowed myself to be treated this way.

 

It's time to move forward

 

loulou x