Someone please help me get through today

[Zipp]

After almost 2 years my ex and I broke up. We broke up in early July but still live together (we are moving at the end of September). As you can imagine the past weeks have been very emotional. He has been seeing someone (met her about a month before we broke up) and they went away this past weekend. I went out of my way to find out their destination, he took her to a place we used to go that I introduced him to.

 

It took some praying and 2 hours of crying to get out of bed this morning. I know that I deserve better than I've gotten from him, but seeing someone you love go on as if nothing ever happened hurts. I know that things will be better once we move, but today is killing me. He has this inhuman ability to lock his feelings away when things get tough, he says that just because he isn't crying doesn't mean he isn't hurt. We love each other and he isn't ready for a real relationship. We can both see that we should have broken up months ago and it would have saved some hurt but we didn't. I walked around our apartment today and cried because it was like moving through a graveyard. I love him and feel bad because he turned his back on me. We would have broken up whether there was someone else or not, but it's still hard not to feel like he left me for her. He wants a girl that is ok with being casual, no commitments, that's not me. After he left he called to tell me that none of this was my fault and he was sorry he hadn't handled things better. That he loved me and we would always be friends, if I would allow it. When we broke up he told me he wants to marry me one day but wouldn't want me to wait because I should be happy now, not some day.

 

Why do men take women that they love through so much? Do all men cheat? Are they all selfish? If I know I deserve better why do I still want him so much? He has a lot of trust and self esteem issues. It seems like the man I fell in love with got swallowed up by a 16 year old version of himself. He was one of the sweetest men I had ever known, and then he changed. I want us to be friends one day but that possiblity doesn't seem very likely since I still love him.

 

I'm rambling but I'm sure you all understand. So many conflicting emotions. He is one of my best friends, I know that sounds crazy but he really is. I thought the worst was behind me but when I woke up this morning and imagined him somewhere in a hotel waking up with someone, the pain started all over again. I have to get through the next 30 days without driving myself crazy. What can I do not to fall apart? I have no where else to go and neither does he until this time is up.

[CarterJonas]

i'm sorry to hear of your despair.

 

All of us on this site whom has experienced a breakup can tell you that the person that broke up with them was not the same person that they fell in love with at the start.

 

The lessons that I have learned after a breakup is that you need to have an outlet for your frustrations, fears, anger, despair...etc. These are all emotions that we have been through. The outlet can be a close friend, family member, councellor or even this site!

 

All you can do is take each day at a time. Try not and think too much about the situation. As you said in your post you both agreed that you should have broken up a few months ago, so maybe in the long term it is best to have happened now than maybe in a years time. You'll look back at this breakup in 6/12 months time and realise it was for the best. t/c

[abcd1234]

Hello Zipp

 

I know that its hard but you just have to work your way through it, as CarterJonas said, take it one day at a time. Its not going to get any easier over the next few weeks but you will grow and learn from this experience, you have to realise that if it was not working out then this is for the best.

 

Breakups are emotionally draining experiences, but we are here for you when you need us. Anytime you feel like venting your feelings just post here and we will do our best to help you through this.

 

Perhaps it would be best if you were away from your apartment for a few days just to clear your thoughts a bit, perhaps you could stay with a friend or rent a hotel room for a few nights until you feel ready to go back. Also, try to find something that will occupy your spare time so that you are not constantly thinking about him and your breakup.

 

abcd1234

[hockeyboy]

dont be afraid to be angry..you have every right in the world. do not let him see this anger though..if you can help it. go ahead though, get a punching bag. it made me feel better. you may cry as much as you want to. but nobody, including yourself deserves that, remind yourself everyday that you don't deserve it and you don't deserve to get hurt like that. the less you care and the less you show you hurt the more he will care and the more he will hurt.

[Elliesonline]

Gosh, it hurts me to hear your pain. Venting your emotions is actually good for you. You need to deal with all of this now because bottling it up inside will cause you to explode later. Try to find another place to stay, maybe a close girlfriend has an extra room or something. The worst thing to do is to try and be strong or try to be happy that he's moved on because you're not being true to yourself. It'll be okay...

[StrawTink]

this new girl might be cool with the casual reltionship now but not for long......... its called getting personal as soon as your are personal with another human it is hardly ever casual and he will realize that she wants more too and that this is not the women he is trying to be with's fault but his fault. then he will start to want to change himself in order to be commited to one woman so he wont be alone no one wants to be alone. let him change himself before you hope for the us thing again. he siounds really selfish he needs to grow up. allow him to do that and if he loves you like he says when he is grown he will come looking for you. not the other way around. i know im going through my own ordeal and can't fix my stuff but atleast let me give you some advice

[StrawTink]

this new girl might be cool with the casual reltionship now but not for long......... its called getting personal as soon as your are personal with another human it is hardly ever casual and he will realize that she wants more too and that this is not the women he is trying to be with's fault but his fault. then he will start to want to change himself in order to be commited to one woman so he wont be alone no one wants to be alone. let him change himself before you hope for the us thing again. he siounds really selfish he needs to grow up. allow him to do that and if he loves you like he says when he is grown he will come looking for you. not the other way around. i know im going through my own ordeal and can't fix my stuff but atleast let me give you some advice

[Zipp]

Just wanted to thank you guys for helping me get through a really bad day. I am still not making the wisest choices but I'm trying. He came home today and one thing lead to another #-o (probably not a good thing, but you know how it is). I kept my emotions to myself and realized that if things don't work out it won't be the end of the world. He told me how he feels about me and our situation, but in the end they are just words. He asked if I still liked him, this is a conversation we have somtimes because you can love someone but not like what they are doing. So I told him no I don't like you, and pretty soon I might not love you. He's getting cold feet about us moving. At first I didn't want to move but after he told me how unhealthy it was for us to live together, I listened. He said he didn't want me sitting around crying over him because I should be happy and if I got away from him I would feel better. So I'm doing my best to stick to my guns [-( , we are still moving at the end of September. I just repeated all of the things he told me because they made perfect sense. That's brave talk and I just hope I can back it up.

 

I love him very much and I know he loves me, but love isn't always the answer. Right now it seems like he values his "freedom" more than me, so be it.

 

Thanks again for all of the advice, it's helping. I'll keep you posted.

[LaSirena]

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' let to lose." What is this bizarre fixed idea that some people have that you must choose between another human being and your so-called "freedom"?! You can be a polygamist and still be free!

 

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty: it's not his "freedom" that he's choosing right now over you, as you say. What, is being with you tantamount to some kind of slavery? Are you going to lock him in the basement and feed him through a slot in the door? He's choosing his desire to be with other women over you. That's the bottom line. Call a spade a spade.

 

I, too, through circumstances, was trapped in living with a man who broke off our relationship for SIX months! During which time he sent flowers to various women, made "business trips" to the far-flung coast, received cutesy cards in the mail. A pal of his, feeling "sorry" for me, clued me in to the who and what of it all, including names and times, which was heart-rending. It was absolutely the worst time of my life. The best thing that ever happened was the day I moved 1000 miles away and could finally being healing from the breakup.

 

If you can get out of there in only 30 short days (no matter how LONG they may seem right now), then hang on until then! I did 180 days of pure, unadulterated hell. Once I was away from him...I had a date within 2 months and when he changed his mind and sent long-stem red roses on my birthday...it was far too little, far too late. Once it wasn't in my face every day, it all got so much easier.

 

Until you can leave, make yourself scarce. Spend as little time there as you possibly can. Go on with your own life as much as possible, and surround yourself with people who care about you.

 

Wishing you the best of luck!