what should i expect?

[escalade]

Here's my story. I met my ex girlfriend almost 3 years ago. She was 19 at the time and I was 26 and living with someone. My relationship at that time was going no where and i knew it. So, i started talking to my now ex. Well, sure enough, i left the girl i was living with and moved onto my current ex. Well, we just clicked! And fell in love pretty quickly. I never considered her a "rebound", because she made me feel things that i never felt before. Suffice it to say, we fell in love, and shared some really amazing times together. We went through ups and downs, like any couple, but always seemed to work through it. Sure, i had many faults and never dealt with them. Anway, 2 great years went by and i knew things were going to change, especially when she turned 21 years old. 3 months after turning 21, she decided that she needs to be alone and do her thing. Naturally, i didn't like that and tried everything to make her stay with me. Obviously, being pushy with her didn't work and only pushed her farther away.

So, she started living it up. Always going out with her friends, meeting people and just doing stupid "21" year old things. Now, i've done that, so i can't be mad at her for wanting to do the same things. But after a few months of not being with her, she would only call me when she needed something, or was just lonely. Being that i could never say no to her, i was always there for her, even though i was being treated unfairly. So, it's been 8 months now and i told her a few weeks ago that i can't go through her "up and down" mood swings with me. So, i cut all ties with her. At first, she didn't like it, and made a very weak attempt to try to keep me in her life, at the same time telling me that she met someone new. Naturally, after hearing that, i didn't want to entertain her plea of remaining "friends" with me, especially that she has someone new.

So, it's been about 3 weeks now and i don't talk to her, vice versa. I have run into her with her new boyfriend on 2 occasions. As much as i hate seeing her with another guy, i played it off like it didn't bother me. So, suffice it to say, I MISS HER TREMENDOUSLY. And i'm not saying this because she has somebody new, i'm saying it because i really do. My head is spinning and it seems that the more time she spends with him, the quicker she'll forget about me. I really and truly love her, and if she's happy now, then i'm happy for her. But nothing would make me happier than to have her back. What do you all think? Is she going through a phase as 21? Should i keep a little bit of faith, or just completely lose her out of my life and thoughts?

[Clarabelle]

Escalade, there are lot of great stories on this forum for you to read, like myjoy. They will give you a lot of perspective. In the meantime, you have to live your life as best as you can. NC will allow you to assess where your heart is at. Once you know that, you will be able to determine what's next. You said it yourself, she is young. Time will tell - much said, but true.

[escalade]

Thank you. But i would really like to hear some members insights. Even though there are a lot of good posts, not everybody has the same situation. Feedback would be appreciated.

[Carthiana]

My ex to be is 8-9 yrs older than me. I am on the receiving end of what you are dealing with, in a sense.

 

My husband knew I acted older than I was, but that does not mean I automatically become that... including all the past that comes with that wisdom.

 

He expected me to become older, act older even tho i was not in fact any older. I was expected not to act like a 24/25 yr old (who had no 21 yr old fun until maybe a year or so before I met him) even tho I was one.

 

I still have my kid like ways, my humor, my need for creativity, all things that he has linked to equalling to childness, and not being mature enough.

 

I'm told that when I want to be mature I can be, and when I don't want to be I'm not. I'm not sure I agree, but then its all about impressions I suppose.

 

What I'm tryign to say by that long attempt at correlation between my older but applicable similar circumstance; is that she may be like that for a while, or not long at all. It depends on how long she decides to 'remain' like that, and use the age game as an excuse. I don't make excuses about myself, I'm honest with the faults I have when I have them.

 

You miss someone, you miss the traits she brought in to your life, but I'm not quite sure it is HER specifically you miss. Just like you can't expect a child to act like an adult, you can't expect someone to act older to match their surroundings or company.

[caveat]

Escalade,

 

If you read through some of my posts you will see that I am in situation similar to yours in many ways. Significant age gap, long term relationship which began when she was quite young, her reaching an age where she wants to be independent and not in a committed relationship.

 

Its been 6 months since the break up and I know exactly what you are going through right now...head spinning, running a 1000 scenarios through your head, a barrage of emotions having their way with you. I remember those first few weeks...they are burned into my memory...you have my sympathies.

 

As for advice, I'm gonna keep it simple (and remember to take ALL advice with a grain of salt, particularly advice coming from non-professionals who do not know you, your ex, and your relationship) not because of a lack of desire to help you out, but because when you distill the situation down to its barest elements your options become very limited.

 

First, you need to realize that she has made her decision and you can't (and shouldn't attempt to) try to convince her otherwise...at least not overtly. She has chosen to be selfish and to head down a path without you. If you pursue her down that path, she'll just run faster. The only way she is going to going to be willing to come back is if and when SHE decides its what she wants.

 

So if you can't pursue then you are left with 2 options: wait or move forward on your own path. If you are anything like me, waiting feels like dying a slow death and is a non-option. In my opinion, moving forward is the only way to go. Your legs just got kicked out from underneath you, so now its time to get back on your feet and start rebuilding your strength and confidence.

 

How do you do that? For one, you need to redefine the rules of engagement by focusing your energies on yourself not on her or who she is with or what she is doing. In my case, I knew I had to have no contact with her in order to collect myself and build myself back up. You may need to do the same. After 6 years of speaking to her every day I cut off all contact. That was 6 months ago and I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago that I heard from her (no change unfortunately) and in that 6 months time I accomplished more than I have in the past couple of years.

 

I'm not saying, "forget her. move on. let her go.", etc. I know its not that simple and right now I don't think you need to hear that. What I think you need to hear is:

-get BUSY...pick up some new hobbies or revive some old ones, visit friends, take a trip somewhere you always wanted to visit

-EXERCISE...man, I can't tell you how much exercise has saved me over the past 6 months.

-TREAT yourself...go get some new clothes, toys, etc. You only live once and you can't take the $ with you. Live it up man, your single and believe me there are worse things...like being married to someone who gets the 'itch' to be single and wants out!

-blast the MUSIC...and skip over the sappy sad songs...there's nothing like a little Rage Against the Machine to get you out of a funk!

-chase the LADIES...you don't have to do anything and you probably won't want to for awhile, but it can (and is) fun nonetheless.

 

Most importantly, REALIZE that you are totally free to do whatever the hell you want! Don't squander this time because I can guarantee you that if you do you'll look back years from now and totally regret it. Get out there and starting dishing it out to life rather than letting life have its way with you.

 

Hang in there, man. It gets better. I promise.

 

Caveat

[caveat]

One other thing, during the first couple of months I found this post pretty interesting:

link removed

 

Caveat

[escalade]

well.....a little update. My buddy, who's GF is my ex's best friend over-heard them talking the other night. Turns out that my ex is also seeing somebody else along with her current boyfriend. Turns out this "new" guy is a professional sports celebrity. That's all i'm going to say. BUT, looks like she's just begging to get burned by more than one person, and it may seem that in the end, she'll wake up, try to come back, and me not being there. I just hope she's careful and realizes that celebrities only want one thing from Non-celebrities........SEX!