Can someone like this change??

[Cougar_20]

Hello all, this is my first post here, and am looking for some advice. I just broke up with my girlfriend of three years for cheating on me, and am wondering what to do next. By now everyone is probably saying the same thing that I said at first, once a cheater always a cheater, there is no way you can trust someone like that again. That was my first reaction and that is what I told her what would become of us after I found out, we were done.

 

After a few days without her, I realized that for me to make peace with this situation I needed answers. I needed to know why this person who seemed to love me so much could do something like that to me. Well when I finally cracked the vault, all of her deepest emotions came pooring out. Emotions that had been trapped inside of her for many years, even before we met.

 

Let me start from the beginning to give you all some background information. I met her during the summer of 2002 at a party and we clicked that first night. We were both young (me 19 her 18) and were just out to have a good time, not looking for anything serious at all. We ended up having sex the second night that we met (can you say huge mistake?). After that I figured that was going be the end of her, but she ended up calling me about a month later and asked me to do something. I agreed and we continued to do that for a couple more months.

 

The more that we hung out with each other, the more we started to fall for each other. Despite the fact that we got so intimate so fast, we really were perfect for each other. The rest of that school year was amazing as we had completely fallen for each other. The next year we both transfered schools in order to accomplish our own personal goals. We remained together despite being three hours apart and even though we were so quick to throw our sexuality around at first, I really did trust her for some reason. That school year and the next came and went, and we were still together. That brings us to this summer. We were both so exited to be able to spend the summer together, and the whole summer went by very well. We even took a 3 day vacation together, where we were very close to buying a time share thing together for the future. I thought everything was all good.

 

The week before we went on that vacation I went down to Florida for a week without her, and apparently this is when she met this guy. She cheated on him with me and I ended up finding out.

 

When I did find out I told her it was over and started to move on, but I just couldn't understand why she would do that to me, so I went back to her for answers.

 

Right before me and her started seeing each other, she had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship that started when she was 14. I knew that this guy wasn't good for her, but apparently it was much worse than I ever thought. He was a crazy control freak that tore her apart emotionally. He was 17 when they first started going out and they started having sex only a few short months after they got together. She said that this guy was crazy about sex in general. Whenever she would go over to his house to see her, he would immediately try to get her up to his room to have sex. Now, I'm no expert, but I know that isn't normal behavior in a relationship.

 

After she turned 16, she tried to break up with him, but the guy was crazy. He would threaten to kill himself, show up at her house, and do all other crazy things. I told her that wasn't any excuse for staying with him, but she said that she just couldn't break it off with him. Well she ended up starting to see other people behind his back.

 

One of these guys that she was seeing tried to rape her one night, which really messed her up in the head even worse. She said that they were hanging out and she ended up passing out. When she came too, he had a condom on and was trying to get her clothes off. She ended up getting out of there okay, but not without a struggle.

 

 

So anyway, back to us. As time went on and our feelings for each other really progressed, though our sex life never did. While we were crazy in love, the sex we had together was still mechanical, unemotional, and without much passion. It always felt like we were just going through the motions. After we got done, she would just roll over and go to sleep.

 

The sex that we had was physically fulfilling, we both got off, but that seemed to be our only goal when we did have sex. There was never much kissing or touching or anything once we actually started having sex. I knew at the time that something was wrong, but I couldn't get anything out of her. The more I tried to make the sex more emotionally involved, the more she seemed to not like it. She always liked it "hard." (hopefully that doesn't affend anyone) I eventually just convinced myself that was just the way she was and I couldn't change it.

 

As we really got to talking she said that she honestly hated having sex and always had. She says that she yearns to feel special during sex, and that is why she cheated on me. I guess she figured that she would find more affection with someone she hardly knew... stupid, I know. She said that she had hit rock bottom in her life and it was all because of sex. The way her boyfriend treated her, her near rape, and the lack of affection in our relationship.

 

Well I told her that there still wasn't any excuse for cheating on me no matter what, and she understands that. Last week we both left for our last year of college and right now we are broken up, but still do communicate a little bit. She swears up and down that she is going to change her life around. She has her first meeting with a therapist tomorrow, and she vows that she is not going to have sex again until she is married. The only reason that I have agreed to stay in contact with her (mostly just through emails) if because she says that she needs someone to talk to about her meetings with her therapist and needs some encouragement and everything every once in a while.

 

She tells me all the time, "I'm going to change, just wait and see." I told her that our chances of getting together this school year were pretty much non existent, but she agreed with that and said that she was going to spend this time to find herself. She has been in a relationships ever since she was 14, and she says that she really just needs to be alone for a while anyway.

 

I have absolutely no knowledge dealing with people who have had bad sexual experiences in the past. How easy is it for these people to change? Besides seeing a doctor every week, is there anything else that she can do to get through this? A large part of me hates her for what she did, and honestly I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive her, but I'll only be able to dictate that with time. I have always known deep down that she had some kind of emotional problems with sex, but I had no idea what to do about it and it always bothered me. I am fine with not having sex until we are married, if we do end up getting back together. She says that would help put a lot of the meaning back into sex, the meaning and emotions that she has so desperately needs.

 

Maybe she is just using this for an excuse, but I really really doubt it. Even though she tore my heart out and danced all over it, I'm still not sure I can give up on her yet completely.

[snickles23]

OK, first off, there is absolutely no justification in cheating! NONE! That was a really bad choice that she had made, and I think you did the right thing by ending it. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past two years, and you know what? He is in the Coast Guard and I go months at a time without being with him. It's hard but I am extremely faithful to him, and devoted to his happiness. That is how a loving relationship should be.Second, you mentioned that she had a near rape experience. Well, back in June of this year, while my boyfriend was out at sea, I WAS raped. That still leaves no room for the excuse of cheating on someone who has devoted 3 years of their life to you and your happiness. That guy is now locked up, and my boyfriend and I have only gotten closer due to that experience, because I am smart enough to realize the love that is in our sex life, as opposed to the horror of that experience. i can see how it would affect her, but I feel that she should have told you long ago what the story really was, rather than waiting for it to be too late.

I think that it probably had alot to do with her past relationship. When a girl is in an unhealthy relationship, she tends to adapt to the way that she is treated in it. She more than likely was just really scared that her self confidence may have been sneaking up on her, and she didn't know how to handle it. Basically, she had probably grown to feel comfortable with insecurity, because that was how the last guy made her feel. Then you came along. You loved her, and respected her, and made her feel the way that she should be able to feel, and more than likely, it started to set in with her and it scared her. Still, that does not excuse the fact that she cheated on you, but hopefully it gives you a different angle on how to view her from here on out.

So, the bottom line is this. You breaking up with her is probably the best thing you could have done if you really loved her, because it sounds to me like she needs to do some serious soul searching. You said she was seeig a therapist, and I feel that's a very healthy thing for her to do at this point. Just understand that until she fully comes to grips and learns to love herself, there is going to be zero chance that she could give any love to you. You have to have it before you can dish it out.

Don't fully give up on her, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket either, on the chance that she is truly going to change like she claims.

Remember that you need to bring yourself happiness, and if you happen to find someone else who can provide the love for you that you can for them... don't let that pass you by. I really wish you the best of luck!

[Francis]

I am sorry to say this, but the whole story is barely credible (if she does not like sex, why did she cheat on you?) , and even if her story were true, it is not an excuse for cheating. We all had bad experiences in life. It seems that she is just trying to manipulate you back in the relationship.

 

May be you are the marrying type and she does not want to let you go, but she feels attracted to bad boys or she enjoys sex with other type of men. Unfortunately, some women feel attracted only to not marriable guys.

 

Moreover, if she does not enjoy sex with you, how is it that she did actually had sex with you for three years? Would you like to be with someone who pretended for so long, or who accepted sex as a mandatory chore in a relationship? I would advice you to keep your eyes open.

[StrawTink]

girls or guys who cheat almost always cheat

especailly if they are taken back she sounds like she need counseling any girl who allows a guy to treat her like that has underlying issues

she needs more than you can give her unless you are a trained psychiatrist

[Cecelius]

She is throwing up red flags all over the place (the actual cheating is the bomb that the flags were indicating).

 

She has a negative sexual history of abuse (not her fault but its harms should not be visited on you)

 

She cheated on other guys before you

 

She cheated on you

 

She hates sex but gave it to some other guy after what, a whole 2-3 days effort by him?

 

Now she's not going to have sex with anyone, including you (I am all for people's convictions, but this one is too convenient)

 

If you're a pal, then be a pal. But be clear with yourself that you cannot trust her, cannot be involved with her and cannot be anything to her beyond an occasional shoulder (and I feel that is too much to ask of you). Find a girl who isn't so raw with damage and have a good time. Being involved with a girl who is still very young and has all these bad marks is insane.

[Cougar_20]

Thanks for the advice guys, while it may be harsh, I can't say that I really disagree with any of it. But nobody really answered my question. I know that there is no excuse for cheating, but the question was can someone like this change their life around?

 

As soon as she got down to school she started to see a therapist and we talk every week after her meetings. They seem to be opening a lot of doors for her, and she is beginning to realize the repercussions of her actions. She also started reading a book on sexual celabecy in the hope of recapturing the true meaning of sex. So she seems to be taking steps in the right direction. I know that I made her out to be a horrible person in my first post, but she really isn't at all. She comes from a good, strong, loving, religious family, so deep down she knows what's right and what's wrong, she just got under the influence of some bad people during high school.

 

I've pretty much moved on with my life for now. While I still get sad and angry at times, I've pretty much accepted what has happened and put my faith in God that everything will turn out okay. I'm not the kind of person that lets things like this bring me down to the point where I don't want to do anything. If anything it makes me strive harder to become successful in life.

 

I've told her that if I am able to forgive her, I may be able to give her another chance once May rolls around and we have both graduated from college if and only if I really believe that she has changed for the better. But that is a very long time away, a lot of things can happen in that time period, so who knows.

[OceanEyes]

I know that there is no excuse for cheating, but the question was can someone like this change their life around?

 

Of course people can change, but not without intense psychological motivation, strict willpower, and mostly, a very strong personality. Through any of my dealings with people in general, especially those who have claimed they want to 'change their ways', it usually either takes something catastrophic happening to help them see the error of their ways, or if someone can actually see themselves through someone elses' eyes. Being able to understand how others view you, putting yourself into their shoes, and accepting how horrible you are sometimes is usually what I would refer to as "rock bottom". So what I'm trying to say here, is that unless someone has a very, very worthwhile and valuable reason to change, they usually can't do it.

 

Your ex has made some pretty bad choices, but nowhere in your post do I see that she's truly seen how horrible they've been. She understands and accepts that she's made some mistakes, but it doesn't sound like she's hated herself enough for these mistakes to actually comit to changing her behaviour. I'll say it again - it usually takes rock bottom for people to WAKE UP. And even then, there is no guarantee that you can reprogram your psyche to think and feel differently permanently. Changing your being takes intense discipline - and again - a very strong-willed individual.

 

If your ex is impressionable or easily influenced by other people, ever has been or still is (a follower), I would say to leave her alone from a romantic standpoint. I don't mean any offence here, but impressionable people who are always looking to others for guidence and their own sense of self can rarely or never change their behaviour because they simply have no idea how to make their own decisions (social ones usually, which is the one you're dealing with).

 

I wish you luck if you choose to give it another go with your ex. She sounds like she either has some pretty elaborate tales, or that she's putting herself into situations because she's 'yearing for love'. If you're going to help her through this, I would suggest to her that she should seek other outlets of love than nymphomaniac controlling boyfriends, drunken pass-outs with near-strangers, and random acts of infidelity.

[Cougar_20]

Thanks a lot oceaneyes, your post really answered a lot of my questions.