understanding the break up - necessary for reconciliation?

[tacs1895]

For reconciliation, is it important to understand the reasons for the breakup? If you're not trying to reconcile but merely to get over someone, then I believe that understanding isn't necessarily that important - you eventually find a way to move on and forget about things. However, if you hope for one day to have the chance of reconciliation, then is a good understanding necessary? Certainly you need to have reached a point where you have got over any anger or resentment, but is that harder to do if you don't really understand what happened? I know that I need to fully let go of the relationship before we can ever start over, but would having a better understanding of things help with that? My ex gave me only very little explanation for why she left after three basically happy years ("something's not there any more" sort of thing, only a few weeks after New Year's where she had told me she loved me "more and more each year"). I struggle with not really knowing why or when she changed her mind, how honest or how open she truly was. The way things are now, I feel that it would basically be an obstacle for reconciliation, I feel like there will always be this frustration of not knowing what happened. So that if there ever was a time in the future when I have rediscovered my own happiness and the opportunity arose to try again, that underlying frustration would still be there and get in the way. Whereas if understood more now (i.e. if she would/could explain it to me better) it might help me let go? (I should also say that it is harder to let go of these frustrations due to having to see my ex on a regular basis.)

 

I guess what I'm saying is, that I feel that without understanding things better, I will always feel this kind of negativity about wondering what happened. And that that will prevent me from getting into the right mindset of letting go and forgiveness that would be a precondition for reconciliation. Make sense? I have delved deep and learned and realized the things I could have done better and would do in the future. Yet I feel that I need to understand her side of things more - but she either can't or won't explain any more.

[whynotme8826]

In my humble opinion, understanding is crucial to healing. About five years ago, my ex fiance broke up with me, and I was devastated. In the many months that followed I came to see that he is a man who bails at "everything" when things become even slightly difficult. Recently, he has tried to get back together with me, but now I understand, healed and have moved on. Fast forward to my more recent ex. He and I started dating about three years ago. It was very normal for about a year---and now for the past two years, it is just on and off. I can't/won't/don't understand his reasons for the on-off relationship. I know I could just walk away and say enough, but I'm not ready. A little bit of him (at this time) is still better than none. If I finally learn and truly understand what his reasons for the on-off behavior are, I might be able to walk away and let the healing begin. Time doesn't heal the wounds it only masks them; understanding heals ...

[tacs1895]

Time doesn't heal the wounds it only masks them;

 

This is what I'm fearful of I guess, I'd just never thought of phrasing it like that. I feel that with time, it would reach a point of things not being painful any more, because I will get on with my life, do new things, meet someone new, etc. But that won't be the same as fully understanding, and therefore accepting what had gone before. But if the wounds are only "masked" rather than healed, then surely that will get in the way of reconciliation, were it ever to become a possibility?

[feenyx]

I agree with understanding. I heal quickly, and it shocks people, but this is who I am. I don't hide my hurt well, but usually it's one week I'm bawling out tears and the next I'm perfectly content. It is because I sit in a state of thought. My mind runs pretty quickly like a million hamsters on wheels. Once I figure what had gone wrong, I am at peace.

 

I don't think people could come back together unless both parties understood why there was a problem in the first place. I didn't follow this rule and it took years before we broke it off. When we did, I felt like I was freed from death row.

 

I understood exactly where I was coming from and what went wrong "for me". No need to think about "us" or "him/her".

[mhowe]

Respectfully disagree. If someone says they no longer love you, or their feelings have changed or the spark is gone......that is really all you need to hear. Many people will not be able to give more of an explanation --- so the why goes unanswered. Their feelings changed, period. That is human behavior. Look at the divorce rate --- and most of these people stood before friends and family and pledged to love each other forever....until they didn't.

 

So, IMO, you don't have to understand their decision ---- to have to accept it. Big difference.

[whynotme8826]

I respectfully disagree with you, mhowe! That one's significant other just fell out of love is not enough of a reason for many to accept and move on and heal properly. That is the genesis for this entire website! They want to know why--more often than not, there is a reason why. Though that reason may be more hurtful to hear than hearing I just fell out of love with you.

[CMS]

I respectfully disagree with you, mhowe! That one's significant other just fell out of love is not enough of a reason for many to accept and move on and heal properly. That is the genesis for this entire website! They want to know why--more often than not, there is a reason why. Though that reason may be more hurtful to hear than hearing I just fell out of love with you.

 

Thats why you can go back and reexamine your actions and determine why they fell out of love, look at it objectively, were you clingy and needy (that was me towards the end of my last relationship). figure out what caused it and understand the breakup will give you the closure that only you yourself can obtain. I feel that closure is important part in both healing and having a successful recon.

[Akela]

Mhowe and whynot.... while you respectfully disagree, I sorta agree with both you. I've definitely been in that want (NEED!!!!) to know what happened position. Very recently, I had a very short relationship (if you can call it that) that started with several nights of long phone calls and a date or two that (I thought) had chemistry. Then, suddenly, he was just not returning my phone calls or texts. I broke the NC rule quite a bit because it was just driving me crazy to know what I had done to trigger it. My justification was that I needed to know so I wouldnt make similar mistakes in the future.

 

But at the same time, mhowe has a point. You are not necessarily entitled to an explanation. They are no longer interested... period. No matter what their reasons (could be their own issues, not necessarily yours) you really do have to accept it. Analyze to death in your head if you need to, maybe you can find the answer on your own or just realize that things always happen for a reason. Maybe it will open up other opportunities for you.

 

Again though, I totally feel your pain of wanting to know. I know I stress and worry too much about it myself even if I do think its a bad idea. Stay strong and be prepared for the possibility of never knowing.

[LN1987]

Thats why you can go back and reexamine your actions and determine why they fell out of love, look at it objectively, were you clingy and needy (that was me towards the end of my last relationship).

 

See I have examined my behaviour and whilst I did become clingy and needy I think it was related to his behaviour which caused certain insecurities in myself.

[CMS]

See I have examined my behaviour and whilst I did become clingy and needy I think it was related to his behaviour which caused certain insecurities in myself.

 

Well now you know the reason, btw I became clingy when I subconsciously noticed my ex was withdrawing. Still what caused your behavior does not matter, just know that you became needy and drove them away and try to be mindful next time when you are in a relationship. When they start to withdraw, fight the natural instinct of becoming clingy to compensate and give them all the room they need instead.

[LN1987]

I really think that a partner should be there and respect you rather than putting up those barriers which lead to the clingy behaviour. I am not a clingy or needy person by nature, he brought something out in me and failed to want to support me and be there for me when things got a little tough. I think dumpees put way to much onto themselves which makes the healing process so much harder.

[whynotme8826]

It is only natural to push towards somebody you care about when they pull away. That "push" comes accross as needy. If the individual who is pulling away has true common sense, empathy and understanding--they would see it as a natural human reaction--and not necessarily a needy reaction. Unfortunately, many people lack common sense, empathy and understanding. I was married for many years and it was my husband (whilst married) who was always "pushing" when I pulled away. And to be honest, I always saw it as his love and need for affection from me---and I never minded at all.

[LN1987]

hey Whynotme... Did you talk to him about the reactions or not? I often wish I had been able to better articulate my feelings (ie being upset b/c he was pulling away) but at the time I was just so lost and distraught that it led to more needy/emotional/irrational behaviour.

[northpickle]

hey Whynotme... Did you talk to him about the reactions or not? I often wish I had been able to better articulate my feelings (ie being upset b/c he was pulling away) but at the time I was just so lost and distraught that it led to more needy/emotional/irrational behaviour.

 

This is EXACTLY what happened towards the end of my relationship Been NC since the split though and it's helping so much, helping me get back to the person I am and not the wreck I was at the end.

[CMS]

I really think that a partner should be there and respect you rather than putting up those barriers which lead to the clingy behaviour. I am not a clingy or needy person by nature, he brought something out in me and failed to want to support me and be there for me when things got a little tough. I think dumpees put way to much onto themselves which makes the healing process so much harder.

 

Thats all fine and dandy in a perfect world, but in reality, we are in charge of ourselves, nobody owe it to you to behave certain ways, saying "they should be putting more effort and not make me clingy" is the prototypical victim speech, I refuse to be the victim, I am responsible for my own behavior, no matter what caused it

[LN1987]

Haha even when your SO dumps you/brings up dumping you the night of your nan''s funeral? Sorry but some people are just arseholes and have no sense of empathy... Some people are victims.... in the real world.

[CMS]

Haha even when your SO dumps you/brings up dumping you the night of your nan''s funeral? Sorry but some people are just arseholes and have no sense of empathy... Some people are victims.... in the real world.

 

Thats a * * * * move on his part, but still I am in charge of my own emotion, its part of being a man. You on the other hand needs to kick him in the nuts

[LN1987]

haha I think it is warranted! (and yes I'm working on keeping those emotions more in check) I just think some people deserve a good old kick!

[whynotme8826]

LN1987 - yes, sometimes I shared how I was feeling and that his "pushing" didn't help, but I was never rude about it--and, I never felt it was needy. I clearly understood he felt rejected and his need to come towards me.

[tacs1895]

I follow where a lot of the responses about understanding are coming from. I believe that there often are reasons beyond "falling out of love", and yet that it's also acceptable for the person who ends the relationship not to be able to give those reasons, because maybe they just can't explain. I also know that nobody is entitled to an explanation, nobody has a right to demand that from the other person. I also agree with the poster who said you have to be prepared for the possibility of just never knowing.

 

All those things make sense to me, I guess I just wonder what the consequences for reconciliation specifically (which is why I posted here and not in Healing). All the stuff about just not knowing, I believe that essentially leads to a place of getting over someone, which is fine if you are just looking to heal and never be with them again. But I imagine that without ever feeling it was fully resolved it would always get in the way of actual reconciling, were it ever to become an option. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe further in the future it just wouldn't matter any more and you'd just start over? That would be nice. But right now I can only imagine that even if, say, my ex and I were to reconnect somewhere down the line, in the back of mind would always be a feeling of "what the **** happened?" Which would obviously not be a good state of mind for getting back together.

 

I guess what I'm trying to pinpoint is the difference between understanding to help healing and closure, and understanding what happened in order to help be ready to build the foundations of a new relationship if and when the chance arises. I know I've searched for understanding what happened, but I feel I would need to hear something similar from my ex too, as part of rebuilding trust etc. Maybe this will come one day in the future, but right now I struggle without it. I feel I'd need this even just for friendship, let alone a serious relationship.

 

I mention the friendship thing because of my own current situation, which is that I have to see my ex quite a lot in both work and social situations (check my other threads for background...). So this understanding thing is particularly difficulty because of having to see her regularly. I would like to be able to let go of all the questioning and wondering, to be able at least to be comfortable and friendly with her in those situations, but it's very hard because I'm constantly confronted with the source of all those uncertainties. She, in the meantime, is getting on with her life (as I have been trying to do with mine also), looks happy and well, and is friendly. I try to reciprocate, but find it hard with all those uncertainties going on in my head. It's reached a stage where I basically just to have to ignore her when I'm around her, I try to be polite but can't really manage anything beyond that. I think it ends up coming accross as unfriendly and maybe angry, but I would hope she knows me well enough to know that it's not anything as petty as just blanking her for the sake of it. I do it for my own well-being and protection. Because seeing her is painful for me. But all of that is why I keep coming back to wondering what happened, hoping for some openness or explanation from her - not because that would be all that was needed to get back together, but because it might help me let go of things better for now - and then hopefully be in a better place for reconciliation in the future... Because right now, I'm stuck with these questioning thoughts, and it's very easy for them to turn to frustration and negativity, which is unhealthy and unhelpful for both me, her, and any chance of getting together that might exist down the line.

[SudoMB]

This is an issue that just recently came up with my ex and I, and caused a further falling out.

 

Some people cope with things different, and don't care about the end goal of healing, just doing whats necessary to move on (her) which means ignoring it, burying it in other things/projects/goals, while I am trying to figure out where all this extra added anger and resentment is coming from. I find it extremely frustrating that since we've had another blow out, we may never have that adult sensible discussion at what each party did wrong and what to learn from it.

 

I believe her to be acting very immaturely, but how much of it can I attribute to her severe anxiety disorders.

 

I went through a time in my life where I felt I would never heal, and that healing was the key concept. Guess what? It's not. Healing is something that comes over a long period of time, through events and experiences, but it is coping that allows us to be restored to a functional self. I wasn't able to start turning things around in my life until I came to the realization that i didn't need to become "better", I just needed to be happy.

Her.

 

I'm a firm believer of learning from past mistakes, and that history will tend to repeat itself if one ignores it. So I believe understanding is vital for reconciliation.

 

This maybe why she does not want to go through it...I am starting to believe she does not care to reconcile and will just bury it like some of her past traumas

[mhowe]

I guess what I'm trying to pinpoint is the difference between understanding to help healing and closure, and understanding what happened in order to help be ready to build the foundations of a new relationship if and when the chance arises. I know I've searched for understanding what happened, but I feel I would need to hear something similar from my ex too, as part of rebuilding trust etc. Maybe this will come one day in the future, but right now I struggle without it. I feel I'd need this even just for friendship, let alone a serious relationship.

 

When my bf broke up with me, the "my feelings for you have changed, I don't want to lead you on speech" didn't ring true for me. But there was nothing I could do, as he didn't want to work on it, or talk about it. So, I went NC for 4 months and he came back. He came back and delivered the speech that everyone dreams of hearing: I love you, I miss you, I want a future with you.

 

He explained what he did, and attempted at the "why", but to this day --- I don't fully understand. And I've told him that from Day 1 of reconciliation. While I may not fully understand what made you think that was the best decision, I accept that it was the only way to saw to handle the situation. And I respect that you gave it a lot of consideration, as I know you did not set out to hurt me --- you simply needed to focus on you. I accept your apology, and I want to put this behind us after this discussion. Going forward, you need to communicate when life overwhelms you --- not shut me out. There is nothing that you can say or do that will change how I feel about you.

 

So ---- I guess my point is, you don't necessarily have to understand, but you do have to accept....that you and your partner are two different people, with different skill sets, and different baggage, and may approach a given situation from completely different perspectives. The trick is to figure out the best outcome for both!

[fashionista2]

I am bookmarking this! This is what I hope to happen down the line, right now we have been broken up 2.5 months NC. just curious mhowe, what was your boyfriends reasoning? what did he do in the time you were apart?

[mhowe]

You can check my thread -- 100 Day miracle. Quick summary: way to many stressors in his life, needed to get himself back on track. Death in family, loss of income, a physical health issue that would put him out of work for 6 months...$$ issues. And instead of telling me all of those (after breakup, I figured out most but not all) ---- he lied to me. And he knows, from day 1 of dating, that lying to me is a deal breaker. So, on top of all the stress he was under, he was embarrassed and lied (about why he needed to break up)....which made him feel worse.

 

In the time apart, he confronted all the issues that needed to be confronted, and realized that he could not picture his future without me in it. Yeah. So, he came back and had a 4 hr discussion in which he owned up to everything, apologized and asked for a second chance. But it took him 4 months to get there....

[Akela]

He explained what he did, and attempted at the "why", but to this day --- I don't fully understand. And I've told him that from Day 1 of reconciliation. While I may not fully understand what made you think that was the best decision, I accept that it was the only way to saw to handle the situation. And I respect that you gave it a lot of consideration, as I know you did not set out to hurt me --- you simply needed to focus on you. I accept your apology, and I want to put this behind us after this discussion. Going forward, you need to communicate when life overwhelms you --- not shut me out. There is nothing that you can say or do that will change how I feel about you.

 

Mhowe, you are my hero. These were the exact sort of specifics I was looking for on my thread about getting back together -- the things I needed to say or ask. We havent had our "talk" yet. We are waiting for a bit more time to pass as he recently ended a brief fling. But those are the exact reasons we split in the first place AND exactly how I feel about him/the situation.

 

OP, I do see what you're saying about knowing the reasons for possible reconciliation vs. letting go/healing. Yes, I do think that in order for you two to work things out in the future, you need to know what happened and why. But I would still let it go for awhile. Start the healing process the best you can without the information. Then, when and if reconciliation is back on the table you can you guys can talk it out. But NC is still the best option IMO until she realizes that she is ready to reconcile.