understanding the break up - necessary for reconciliation?

[rapunzel]

tacs1895:

 

Like you, I am involved musically with an ex. Since we make music together, the longest period I have had of No Contact has been just a few weeks. There has always been an email about band business in there somewhere. I think the longest period of physical No Contact was almost 5 weeks in the past three years (not long enough). I spent two years (and will admit, yes sometimes I still do) going over the relationship with a fine toothed comb, every sentence or phrase or action I did that could have been "it", the reason why he dumped me. The experience has probably been the most painful, emotionally, of my adult life. I tortured myself, and could not seem to stop, obsessing about every little thing, wondering where it went wrong when he seemed to really like me in the beginning, blaming myself, wondering how I could bring him back. He did come back for a repeat of the first relationship and the same exact thing happened. Even more pain. I think a lot of people go through this but without question, it is much, much harder to get over a break up with the person remains a part of your life and you have frequent contact.

 

The bottom line is it doesn't matter why she left. If there was no specific unforgivable incident or a pattern of bad behavior on your part, the fact is that your ex decided you were not the one for her. She may not even know exactly why - she just lost attraction to you enough to decide that she would risk losing you forever by ending the relationship. If she DOES decide she wants you back, then she will have to tell you what happened. But in the meantime, I agree with mhowe. You just have to accept what happened and try to deal with it as best you can. After three years, I believe I am finally at the point where if he shows up with a new woman, I won't be devastated. I might feel sad and lonely if I am still without a boyfriend but I won't take it as a personal affront.

 

He decided he prefers apples, and I'm an orange. There's nothing wrong with oranges, he just likes apples. He's not even sure which apple he prefers, there are so many different ones but whatever it was about me, the orange, he decided he didn't want that particular orange. So he threw away a perfectly good orange in the trash. His preference, his decision, his life, his agenda. As difficult as it is to not take rejection personally, I believe this is what we must do. I learned there was really nothing I could do while I was in his sights to bring him back. Everyone here preaches No Contact for good reason. I also strongly believe in "when in doubt, do nothing". That way you can't screw up.

 

I decided to "fake it till I make it" and there were times I did not succeed, and I'm sure he thought i was unfriendly or angry or resentful. I did my best but hey, I'm human and so are you. You're entitled to your feelings and try not to worry about the consequences. You are in a tough situation and you are doing the best you can. Hang in there!

[mhowe]

[/b]Mhowe, you are my hero. These were the exact sort of specifics I was looking for on my thread about getting back together -- the things I needed to say or ask. We havent had our "talk" yet. We are waiting for a bit more time to pass as he recently ended a brief fling. But those are the exact reasons we split in the first place AND exactly how I feel about him/the situation.

 

When he came over to talk, I listened. I think in the 4 hrs he talked I said maybe 5 sentences. Because really, the BU was about him/his life situation, not us.

Since then (5 months) we have very small conversations about issues --- and he has been extraordinary in sharing what is going on in his life and what is frustrating him. I don't try to solve his problems (he really doesn't want me to) --- I just listen and give my 2 cents.

 

What I'm saying is that it takes time and commitment for someone to change a behavior pattern that they have used, for better or worse, most of their lives. And he can sometimes get distant --- I just don't react. I get on with my life, and my plans. And it's not that it doesn't spike a bit of anxiety, but when I'm feeling grounded, I try and focus on the unbelievable relationship and connection we share --- and trust that he has no intention of hurting me again.

 

Reconcilation is about acceptance, trust, compassion ---- and patience. Cannot stress this enough to those going through it.

[okiedokiestomp]

As difficult as it is to not take rejection personally, I believe this is what we must do.

 

If there would be a single thread that ties the majority of the posts i read on eNA to each other I think in it's essence it would be as you described our inability to not internalize the rejection on a personal level...beyond the initial sting of the rejection felt at the breakup, this constant rumination and internal jockeying of "why did this happen?"---"what does this mean about ME?" ---this is the slippery slope that leads to a downward spiral. If I could have seen this at the outset and more importantly had the tools to combat it I could have saved myself time and heartache beyond healthy healing period instead of projecting the rejection on to my self value. This I think is the hardest thing for a dumpee to grasp and to overcome IMO, but I agree completely with you that it is what we all must do.

[SudoMB]

The connotations implied in bold, are that downward spirals are bad.

 

If that is the case, I'll respectfully disagree, since sometimes, the best lessons learned are from the tragedies and trauma's we experience.

 

I'd argue that if one didn't try to validate what their role was in the relationship that lead to the outcome, you are less prepared to learn and develop a healthier relationship in the future.

 

 

I do agree that the goal is to learn to not take full responsibility for the rejection, it's impractical to not take it personally. Just don't dwell on it, and make sure you can find the path of self worth again after you accept your role in it.

[okiedokiestomp]

I think there's a big difference b/t the initial sting of rejection we all feel as dumpees at the outset of a breakup and what occurs through the heavy internalization I'm talking about that turns this initial sting into a full blown personal statement on one's self worth. I agree it would be impractical not to feel rejection INITIALLY on some personal level, but, the difference I think is how a person processes this rejection--Do they do so in a healthy manner by grieving and working through the feelings tied to the loss & do they possess a healthy self-esteem to recognize that the rejection while painful is not about their self worth at all and may have more to do with the dumper than themselves? Really I think it comes down to self-esteem and our ability to understand that happiness and personal self-worth is generated within each of us, not given to us by others through their acceptance of us.

 

I agree that we should each own our role in the relationship and the breakup, but I would take it to the point that we should learn to only own OUR role...I think this also is a product of the slippery slope I mentioned. many of us on eNA (and I'll include myself here---this was a hard thing for me to overcome) struggle with owning more than our fair share of responsibility. Again healthy self-esteem means that we know what we are responsible for.

 

but ultimately I do agree with you that some of our greatest lessons are born of our darkest pain. But that said, I have had a tremendous amount of growth these past 3 years--would I be willing to go through it again...hell no..do I find that I am better for it..yes!