sooo confused on what to do

[carah17]

ok little back story. I was separated two years ago from hubby who i was with for 13 years. Met new guy been with him about a year and a half. decided to move in together so i bought a house that would work for us (he has 3 kids i have 2) moved in 4 months ago 2 weeks after we moved in he got laid off i understood that this really hurt his ego and self confidence so understood that he didnt have motivation to look for something else he finally got a part time job. we were in the midst of selling his house so not only is there 7 of us to support now we are carrying two houses anyway i end up footing all the bills and lending him money (this is not the first time i have lent him money in our relationship) on top of that his useless ex wife has gotten herself into a bad situation and hasnt paid child support since last oct so now i am really doing it all on my own. so that has been completely stressful i also took the summer off to be with the kids to save money on day care camps etc and his ex is constantly late to pick up the kids so i am on everyone elses schedule. Anyway about 2 weeks ago we really got into it and he has ended up moving out changed the kids school etc. I have asked for nc till friday when we are suppose to talk but i really dont know what i am feeling. I miss him but do i miss him cus i dont want to be alone or because i want to be with him. a lot of things will need to change if i decide this is worth fighting for. I will need to see the drive to participate and contribute to our family. but does a leopard ever change his spots or am i kidding myself i really am very confused as to what i want. advice would be great.

[CatsMeeoow]

Here's the thing that won't change ---- his ex wife is likely going to have a significant pattern of not paying child support and will continue to be late picking up the kids. Unless this guy is willing to stand up and let his ex know that she is taking advantage of not only him, the kids and you these things WON'T change. Is he the kind of guy to set these boundaries with his ex? Personally if you have gone nearly a year without child support I feel that is a legal issue. Why isn't he pursuing that? Surely, after nearly 12months she should be paying at least $50.00 a week (that's our state minimum). Has she at least set out to outline how she expects to pay him? Its up to him to realize she has an obligation if he is caring for the kids - if he isn't going to hold her responsible now while he isn't working he most likely never will. Will you become resentful supporting and raising your step kids without the support? Most likely yes.

 

If he wasn't working then why were you home with the kids this summer instead of him?

 

This is a tough economy and jobs are hard to find but there are ways of getting out there and meeting people - do some volunteer work, stay busy, etc. It can help with the depression that can come with being suddenly unemployed with grim prospects for a an equal full time job with equal benefits. What would he have done if it were just him and the kids? He still has a mortgage to pay and other bills? You can't keep supporting this man and his children when you need to think about yourself and your kids.

 

This is one of the issues with post marriage relationships - you each have baggage. You have to weigh if that baggage is enough to cause you to call it quits - how long will this be an issue? Is it an issue he feels needs to be changed or just you?

 

I understand where you are coming from - my husband had kids from his first marriage and I had a kid from a prior relationship. Its not easy. For nearly 9 months in the middle our kids were on opposite schedules with weekends and holidays - it was very draining to our relationship because we couldn't get any family time... and our kids didn't know each other as they had only had about 6 months of the same schedule. It took a court order for his ex to start working with us in keeping the kids on the same schedule and she has since then twice tried to change it back... its exhausting for us and it cost money. We did get what we needed which was the kids together so we could do family things - like vacations. It got resolved... but what if it hadn't??? We would certainly be having more relationship issues for sure.

 

You have to make a list of all the problems you are having with this guy, his ex, his kids, your kids, your ex and decide if they are problems to which there can be reasonable solutions for and if so what is the process.

 

Ultimately, despite having a year and a half with this guy it might be time to part ways... don't get sucked into a marriage with these obstacles as it will spell disaster.

 

Good Luck

[carah17]

it wouldnt have led to marriage as neither of us want to get married again and i think all the time what would he have done if i werent around but on the other hand is that why he is sticking around i try not to be resentful of the kids but i know on occasion i have been when i have mentioned the issue with his ex he just said she is the way she is and it wont change and we cant allow it to affect us. he also wanted to keep her happy until his house had sold as she was still on title he said once his house sold he was going to send her a note saying the debt has been wiped out by the sale of the house and things start fresh now and she needs to start paying again and if she was late even once we would be taking her to court and garnishing her wages (he still hasnt sent that note to my knowledge) i just dont know if he wants to be with me for the right reasons or just cuz im a meal ticket and thats not a good feeling for me and will i always wonder this? my head is telling me one thing (as are everyone around me) and my heart is telling me another but is that just the fear of being alone? thanks for your reply

[CatsMeeoow]

The fear of being alone is a very powerful one... but you have to realize that there are lots of people out there looking for love so you don't need to settle. If you have been together 1 1/2 yr I think you would have a very strong feeling if you felt he was a great compliment to you... having doubts is a way of saying maybe this isn't the guy I should put all my hopes and dreams into.

 

My husband went through a horrific divorce ordeal. He was so uneducated on what he was allowed to do and be with his kids - his ex controlled everything including the times he could see his kids. At the very least when we were dating I made sure he understood what his rights for custody were and what that meant. He is a very involved dad being railroaded. So I felt even if this didn't last I helped him not to be bulled over and taken advantaged of by system that at most times can be difficult to understand. I also knew the things he couldn't afford at the time would have to be covered by me - I didn't mind because I saw it as temporary and well he gave me his entire check every week. I made sure his bills were paid and if he couldn't I covered it. But, again I knew this was temporary. As an exchange he mowed the yard, cleaned the gutters, installed custom closets.

 

I knew in my heart we had long term potential because we both wanted the same things out of life and neither of us are afraid to sacrifice and work hard for it. Having the common goals as well as getting along quite well I was willing to take the risk.

 

Do you see this situation as temporary? 1 1/2 yr is a long time - I would think after a year you would see a pattern of resolution of things or not. For my husband and myself it was just short of a year with the financial issues... his ex kept side railing the divorce and it took a very long time to finish (almost 2yr.) Do you have the same things in mind for the future? Do you have similar values in child rearing? I think before you sit down and talk with this man you need to be writing some things down... the first list is what you would like with a long term partner (keep in mind while you may not ever marry again many states have laws that govern "common law marriage" - in my state I believe if you live together for 7 years your assets are divided legally much in the way they would if you were married so please educate yourself on what your state may or may not recognize... you could be with this man a long time and still end up going through another divorce though you never married him on paper!) The other list is a list of concerns/conflicts that you feel must be addressed or resolved in some way to continue this relationship.

 

Keep your head up... sometimes the best course of action is to end a relationship so that you can open yourself up to something that is greater in the end.

[carah17]

Thank you, you arevery wise and have given me a lot of insight i clearly have a lot of thinking to do