My boyfriend told me that he's no longer in love with me

[kaloo]

My bf and I have been together for 3 years (I'm 22, he's 24) but he told me yesterday that he's not in love with me anymore. He's wants to give us another chance and definitely wants to stay friends. He has always been open and honest with me and he assured me that there's nobody else in the picture. It came as a shock to me: we're both busy people and it's sometimes hard to adjust our schedules, but we always seemed to manage to have some quality time together. I have been really busy with school (senior blues, tons of papers due, work on my dissertation) and so was he. Our spontanious dates just faded away. Phone calls became a bit awkward. We survived a long distance relationship and we give eachother lots of space. I missed the tenderness and the affection, but I never complained. Instead of lovers we kinda became brother and sister. Including last night, I saw him 3 times this summer. Dates were postponed and cancelled. Then he turned up saying that he wants more space. He said he had been feeling this way since April, but that he first thought that it was just a fase he was going through.

He's saying that we're too different and that it doesn't work: he's more adventurous and very outgoing. He's a people's person and although I love company, I can easily spend my time reading a book or doing something on my own and I don't always feel like joining him when he's going out with some of his friends. I respect his freedom and I never asked him to stay with me and ditch his friends. I thought he appreciated this but it turns out that he feels that I don't show enough interest in his friends.

He had a busy summer (he went abroad to work as a camp counselor) and he claims he didn't miss me or think about me. I think that's unfair because his activities kept him busy night and day. Whereas I spent lots of time behind my books working for school. Not something entertaining, but it had to be done.

I know he says he wants to give us another chance but I fear that since he kinda gave up on me in April, I don't know how long he's willing to wait and what he wanted to do to makes this work out. He suggested a date or something like that every week or so. But this puts a lot of pressure on me: I'm still in love with him and I want want it so badly to work out- but I'm afraid that we can't be spontanious anymore. I suggested a weekend away, but he didn't really react.

I'm very confused, sad, rejected and insecure. The more I think about it the more angry I get and the more sorry I feel for myself (it's like being seventeen all over again). I even thought -in the spurr of the moment- that maybe I had been fooling myself for months and that he's right. But somehow I still refuse to believe that. In a way I'm miserable because he told me, in another way I'm relieved that he wants to give it another shot. He was miserable too when he told me but I still think that something isn't right in this whole situation. I feel that he's leaving it to me to fix things. And how much as I'd like to be able to do that, I can't make him fall in love with me. I don't know if I should give him more space: he's a old enough to have his own schedule and I never used emotional blackmail to keep him with me. I think that I was giving him too much space and that it should've taken more initiative.

We had a very emotional talk about this yesterday and we're meeting again in a couple of days when we get our heads straight.

Please help! I need all the feedback and diffrent angles on this situation as I can get. How can we bring the romance back in our relationship?

[justtwicethen]

Hi,

 

 

If you love him, give him his space. Regardless of him asking to give the relationship another try, understand that it is important you two break for a while inorder to remember what it is, you both cherrished when you first fell in love.

 

He will respect you as a woman, when you tell him this.

 

 

And this is just a message to my ex, from whom i hardly hear anymore. Baby I love you, I miss you dearly and I wish that someday we'll be together again...i don't know why we ever parted.

[Sli]

Hi kaloo,

 

You certainly do not deserve to be feeling 'confused, sad, rejected and insecure'. Just reading your post and what you write, you come accross as honest, genuine, caring, respectful and eloquent.

 

Sadly I think you may be being too nice for your own good! I think your boyfriend is taking you for granted, I don't think he appreciates what he has and he is certainly being careless with your feelings. He may be trying to find your breaking point.

 

Once I took my relationship for granted, I had everything I wanted, she worshipped the ground I walked on, I came and went as I pleased no questions asked and had everything my own way and on my terms, you'd think I'd be set for life! Unfortunately Human nature is such that (as the saying goes) 'we do not realise what we have until it's gone.'

 

We take things and people for granted and like a naughty child will push their parents as far as they will go just to find their breaking point, it can be the same in romantic relationships. Needless to say in the end I found my girlfriends breaking point!…And when I stared the reality of loosing her in the face it was unbearable. I never knew the strength of my feelings for her until I was right on the brink of loosing her. To be reduced from being so confident to a whimpering wreck in one short sharp shock is a sobering experience I can tell you.

 

Chasing and trying to fix things yourself by being nice and caring although honourable may not work. Maybe making him realise that he is about to loose a desirable, confident, intelligent, independent woman might just give him the shock he needs…just a thought.

 

Hope everything works out

Take care

Sli

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Sli-

 

I'm curious....did you end up losing the girl who you took for granted? I lost my boyfriend because I took him for granted and did not appreciate him. I too realized very quickly what I truly feel for him and I am paying for it now....

 

Kaloo --

 

I would think the best thing to do is just to give him a bit of space to make him realize his true feelings for you. Don't back off completely but alos don't feel like you have to go above and beyond whatever feels comfortable. I know its hard...you feel like you are going to be walking on eggshells and everything you do is going to be judged. Just try ti be yourself....the same you that you were when you first met him.

[Sli]

Confused..

 

We stayed together for some years after that shock woke me up but we did split in the end yes. I eventually (and perhaps inevitably) 'f'd up again. We were together since we were kids so it was the classic 'needing to see what else is out there' type of 'f' up, except this time there was no going back for her. To be honest we had grown apart in a lot of ways by then and were more like brother and sister. I still miss her friendship though and hope that I may get that back one day.

 

Confused, I read some of your posts...I know you have regrets about the way you handled your last relationship and I know you think that it is all your fault, I did too, but we're only human and we have to make these mistakes to learn and progress in life. Stop beating yourself up and stop living in regret, it's been at least 2 months for you and you're only gonna be visiting this planet the once (in present form anyway!) there's so much out there, take a look. You need to try and stop looking for answers to unanswerable questions, shift your focus from the past to your future. Besides... you do know they never come back until we've fully moved on and forgot about them anyway. It's true... it's like some telepathic trip switch or something that goes off in their brains when they realise we are not thinking about them anymore…spooky!

 

Be well

Sli

[Confused and hurt]

Thanks Sli-

 

Your words are very comforting. Yes, it has been 2 months and I feel like I am getting better. I think about him less and realize that because of the way I acted, he needs his time to heal.

 

I find it hard to stop blaming myself. I can't help but kick myself in the a** thinking about what could have been had I just realized what was there in front of me all along. I know that these are lessons that have to be learned and they make you a better person in the end for whoever you are with, but I hope that I get a second chance with him to show him that I have realized so many things and am the girl he first fell in love with.

 

I try to think positive and have hope, but I really think its done for - he has someone new already

 

How did you and your ex end up getting back together after the first breakup?

[Sli]

Hi again Confused..

 

She just took me back because she always loved me unconditionally I guess, I say there was no going back for her the last time but to be honest I think I could've even saved it then if I'd really tried, but I didn't want to hurt her anymore, I had to set her free and she's happy now which makes me happy too.

 

You'll be ok Confused and the irony is when you once again truly find that girl that he 1st fell in love with, you may not need him any more, life's funny like that. You pine and long for someone till you can pine and long no more... then one day you wake up and the clouds just seem to have disappeared and you can see the horizon again and everything that's out there.

 

You will find happiness again, and if in the end it's with someone new you'll know exactly what you're doing this time around won't you. No more regrets Confused, What's done is done… nothing we can do to change it now, let it go, nobody's perfect, that's what makes life interesting I guess (that's what I keep telling myself anyway!), so stop pondering stuff and try and have some fun...it is the weekend! 8)

 

Take care

Sli

[priudias]

Hi kaloo! I went thought a similar situation w/ my bf in the beginning of this year. We've been together for a little more than 3 years, with great moments, and horrible ones as well. We, like you and your bf, have very different schedules. he's a musician and i go to school full time and have a full time day job also, so basically he's going to work when I'm ready to end my day, and when I start my day, he's most of the times asleep. it's crazy, but that's how it has always been so we are used to it. Even though we are both very busy people, we have always made time to each other.

 

However, past December we felt very distant from one another... We both weren't sure if we were still in love, so we decided to take some time apart. but what happened was that I was just devastated. The same day we broke up, I realized how much I loved him and called him to see if he was feeling as horrible with our decision as I was. He said that he was comfortable with it and that he was sure that it was for the best. With that answer, I was sure that he definitely had fallen out of love with me. Some time passed by and we talked few times, but always with that feeling that we were grieving our relationship. I kept asking myself what had gone wrong... nothing... there was no one or nothing to blame, he just wasn't in love with me anymore.

 

A couple of weeks passed by and one night he called me, even after we agreed that we wouldn't speak for a while. He said he missed me, so I invited him over to my place because I missed him so much too. From that moment on, we knew that we were still pretty much in love and that the time apart just made us realize how important we are for each other... After that we compromised to always make time for each other and not to let the romance die in our relationship. Now we ALWAYS go out in dates (like in the beginning of our relationship), try to look sexy for each other and do small nice things as well, like call each other in the middle of a busy day just to say "Hi! I'm busy, but I'm thinking of you".

 

It's funny because just few days ago we were talking about it and how tight we are now. Maybe if we never had taken that time apart, we would've never realized how important are the roles we play in each other's lives. Our relationship is so much better now.

 

So, if I could help you with anything is to advise you to try to make things better... If you are sure that you still love your bf, try to do what he suggested. Go out in dates, try to keep your relationship as fresh as you can. Sometimes we think that we can't do that, but believe me, it becomes fun after a while. Also, try to invite him to participate in the things you enjoy, like stay at home, read a nice book together, or rent movies and just have a relaxed weekend. After all, relationships are made with compromises.

 

I'm sorry I wrote too much… But I hope my story helped you in some way.

 

Take care of yourself… things will work out.

 

Pri

[kaloo]

I'm glad things worked out between the 2 of you! Please keep your fingers crossed for me! Thanks!