now that his money is short, the romance is dying

[michellelouisebarker]

Hi,

 

I am a little confused and my confusion is sending mixed messages to my boyfriend of just over 2 years which is not good. It is a kind of intense relationship, we have close times and sometimes I feel as if we are married because we argue so much.

 

Everything was good before we lived together for a while. Before that he had a job but since he has been such a bum. He needs to borrow money off me although he has alrady borrowed off his father. He took so long to get a job and he only got a part time one now, really dodgy.

 

I got a great job and I am moving ahead. I am not living with him now, but we are seeing each other. We both got teaching jobs (me straight away and he took ages) so we have separate places. He is having a hard time with work.

 

The money still causes him so many hassles. It is sad to see a person I had faith in be so lazy, but he also does not have much confidence. That is the main thing. He is a little overweight and socially incompetent and shy but misunderstood.

 

But he is the nicest, most amazing person I've met. He is kind to me and honours me.

 

My help does him no favours. But I can not continue my sympathy forever and I have been waiting so long for him to get back on his feet. I saw his slobby side when we were living together and now I do not think I could live with him again. He will just start living off me. I did not expect wither of us to support each other.

 

I do love him and I couldn't break up with him. He comes from Canada and I am from Australia, last time he came to Australia and I think this time he will eventually expect me to come to Canada. Maybe not for a while but even so..

 

What should I do?

 

If I am true to my heart I will stay with him, but I know or can sense that my family and friends and stuff think I can do better.

 

I know I can too but as long as I'm happy with him, no problem. But this financial situation is making me unhappy. I know he's capable of more.

 

I have talked to him about it and his standard reply is 'I'll get a better job"... then down the track the excuses come.

 

I don't need his money, and now that he has part time, he doesn't borrow much off me but complains about it constantly.

 

The real issue for me is that now that his money is short, the romance is dying. Is this my job now, because I have some cash? But he doesn't want me to pay he would rather not do things. He could happily stay at home while I go out of my mind.

 

He doesn't save, and I can't force him to.

 

What should I do?

[Firewalker]

Hi Michelle

 

It sounds as if he's lost confidence in him self, he might even be depressed.

If in fact that is the case then you must realize that depression is a sickness and it can be cured.

 

Often when people behave so and so, and we judge them, sometimes correctly, but sometimes not.

We need to know why people change and start acting differently.

 

He needs to get diagnosed.

 

Being out of a job can cause people depression.

 

Sometimes there arent jobs awailable. In such times people have to make do with what they can get, if anything.

 

If his condition is depression, then it can be cured.

Beleve me when i say that depression knocks the energy right out of you, and robs you of the abillity to help your self.

 

So have him checked out for that.

 

If he cant get a job then he might be interested in getting a job on the internet. If that is of interest then send me a line.

 

Hang in there.

[amunrah]

Hi michelle...

I amalso from Australia I had tough time too. Idid number of contract jobs before getting a permanent job. Without a job is a hell and specially when you see your wife working not you. You cannot get things which you would like to and that can create lot of friction between you and partner. Sometimes your advise will sound like a nagging to him. This is just a phase and I am sure it will pass over. Nothing remains for long in this world.

[WorkingThruIt]

Money has tobe one of the biggest factors for arguments in relationships. One thing I have discovered with my wife, is that nto everyone grew up and learned to be financially responsible, and it is almost unfair to judge someone about their finances if they were never instructed or had the opportunity to learn about them! I know that you said he was out of a job for a long time, and that definitely will cause a crunch in the income, but maybe he just needs to learn a little about saving and budgeting and such. I also agree with the possible depression, and I know being ehind on bills can cause depression, but I also know that when my wife learned to budget, and started managing the finances, it did wonders for her selfconfdence too. I hope this is a little helpful and not just random mumbling... good luck

[sashagirl]

I think the best thing is to figure out what you want if you can. Long distance relationships are very hard. Make sure you are not robbing yourself of meeting someone where you live. Don't do this if you are still hooked on this other guy.

He does sound depressed, and he should go see a counsler. There could be a very productive guy under all that.

But don't give him any more money! Take it from a girl who has given money to a guy. It will only cause more anguish and fighting.

It's so much easier when you are on the outside of a relationship to give advice. Follow your heart, and keep your eyes open.