Almost 23 and No Dates

[OahuGrown808]

So you all have probably read countless threads with similar questions, but I feel some kind words and advice will do me some good. Like the title says, I'm 22 going on 23 and have yet to go on a date or even kiss a girl. A majority of my friends have all had girlfriends throughout high school, and are on their second or third relationship. To make things even more weird, they have all lost their virginity, leaving me as the last inexperienced guy in my friend circle. They aren't * * * * * s about it, but sometimes I feel a little out of the loop, you know? Anyway, I'm about to graduate from college and I can't help but feel some pressure to date; I've heard it's tough to meet people outside of college. To top it all off, I feel like I've missed a part of my life by not experiencing a relationship in high school, leaving me at a disadvantage in the future. Are any of these fears legitimate?

 

Furthermore, I do interact with a lot of girls in my classes and workplace, but nothing ever goes further than friendship. They are either taken, or not interested - at least that's the vibe I get. I haven't actually tried to ask a girl out yet, which I know sets me up to fail 100% of the time. But The thing is that I would be more than happy to take a shot if they would just give me some sort of sign or hint. Also, I've already tried the club scene and it just doesn't feel right. I'm confident that I wont find the right kind of girl at that kind of place. I have my schooling in order, work two jobs, have a good sense of humor, and I'm not hideous. What gives?

 

Thanks in advance

[myhonestanswer]

Firstly, don't worry a bit about being inexperienced. When the time comes, you will know EXACTLY what to do. Otherwise human-kind wouldn't keep on going, you know?!

 

Anyway, you sound like a great person, I'd just carry on living your life as you are now. It's great that you interact well with girls generally, one day you'll meet someone and you'll just get on so well everything else will come naturally.

 

I agree that the club scene is overrated. I'd keep being friendly at school, and work, and make sure to keep increasing your social circle by taking new opportunities to meet friends of friends etc. Joining clubs and groups can also be good.

 

Also, don't put too much weight on 'asking someone out'. My husband never asked me out per se, we just started spending more and more time together until one day we just couldn't resist each other any more! If you want a way of testing the water, try something like, 'I was going to go to x event next week if you fancy it', so it looks as though you're going anyway, and just inviting someone along. That's much less pressure than, 'will you go to dinner with me'.

 

And don't worry about having missed out on something at college. Everyone always feels a hint of that. Especially people who spent the whole time in relationships - they often wish they'd dedicated more time to their studies or extra-curricula activities. You have the rest of your life to spend in a relationship - you only get a few years to enjoy the whole college experience.

 

Hope this cheers you up some.

[TehShyGuy85]

Wow I think the OP is my twin or something LOL. It almost feels like i wrote what he said. We both are in the same EXACT situation. The person who replied gave very good advice, that is what people have been basically telling me. Improving your friend circle will defiantly help and perhaps taking some chances you normally wouldn't take. Like recently i asked this girl that i work with if she wanted to hang out sometime and she said yes. You never know until you try

 

Also joining some sort of clubs or even a gym depending on what you are interested in, book clubs etc.

[OahuGrown808]

myhonestanswer: Thanks for your kind words! They actually made me feel a lot better. I really liked what you said about not necessarily "asking someone out," but just inviting them to something I was going to do anyway. I'd imagine that method would relieve a lot of the pressure that normally exists when approaching a girl that I'm interested in. The short anecdote about you and your husband was sweet too. I'm glad I decided to post on this forum

 

TechShyGuy85: It's nice to know someone else feels the way I do! Sometime my friends try to give me advice, but none of them where ever in the same situation as me, so they never really manage to address my concerns. I agree about expanding my friend circle too. Hanging around with taken women probably isn't helping the situation haha. Also, congrats on your success, man!

 

I guess it's better to wait a bit and find someone worth spending time with rather than going balls-to-the-wall and having multiple failed relationships under my belt, along with all the emotional baggage that comes with it. I'm practically the Dr. Phil of my friend circle, which is funny considering that I've never been in a relationship.

[TehShyGuy85]

Thanks. I am interested in your progress too. I too feel the same as you, i don't feel an "Interest" from girls which for me makes it harder to ask them out in the first place. That is actually my main problem since i don't feel that they are interested i figure why bother?

 

Even though the girl said that she will chill with me, it's not a success until it actually happens lol.

Though getting a "Yes" was a success in it self.

[OahuGrown808]

Thanks. I am interested in your progress too. I too feel the same as you, i don't feel an "Interest" from girls which for me makes it harder to ask them out in the first place. That is actually my main problem since i don't feel that they are interested i figure why bother?

 

Even though the girl said that she will chill with me, it's not a success until it actually happens lol.

Though getting a "Yes" was a success in it self.

 

Maybe there doesn't necessarily have to be a "sign" from the gods telling us that they are interested. I was reading through a lot of date/relationship sel-help stuff on the internet and they all try and feed you some b/s about the signs or hints girls give if they are interested in you, things like flipping their hair a certain way or how they sit. Lately, I've started to question this advice. Whenever I am interested in someone, I actually try not to give-off any hints of interest because I'm embarrassed or something. Maybe some girls think the same way? Anyway, I think the way budding relationships are portrayed in movies and stuff really don't authentically represent what real people actually think and do. BUT, a sign would be great, wouldn't it? haha

[MrRight]

If it is not working for you here (assuming you live in the US), can you buy a flight ticket and try to go abroad? US is not an easy place to find woman.

[OahuGrown808]

If it is not working for you here (assuming you live in the US), can you buy a flight ticket and try to go abroad? US is not an easy place to find woman.

 

Curious, what makes you say that? What's different about women in other countries?

[cereza]

yey! sry I know is not good for you but just the other day I was thinking that there might not be any guy left after 21 who is still inexperienced. I think that some girls will like that about you. That you haven't been with other girls I mean. R you shy? I think you should start flirting more with friends. Try flirting even if you don't like them just to get used to it and then it will come naturally. Girls don't like to give signals because guys are the ones who do the chase. Also that about high school is not true. I didn't date in high school and the first year of college was like wow! more than 10 guys wanted to date me and I totally think it was worth the wait since now I won't make the mistakes that I would have if I had start dating in high school. Also I have seen how many of my friends who dated in high school got heartbroken and ended up not going to college or pregnant for dating when they weren't mature enough.

[wsim]

Good luck... for the record, I didn't get any dates until the age of 26.

 

I'm going to be 27 soon and never had a girlfriend before. It comes down to meeting the right people, which isn't really under your control. Sometimes it works out, other times not.

[OahuGrown808]

@Cereza - Thanks! I sure hope that inexperience is a plus for us guys. I guess on the one hand I may not make all the right moves, but then again I don't have an STD either Anyway, I've actually been trying to flirt more, but I sometimes feel that it's unfair to the girl if I flirt with no intention of pursuing her further. I wouldn't like it if someone got my hopes up like that, you know? And yeah, I'll get over that whole high school regret thing. It's stupid, I know haha.

 

@Wsim - It's true that fate/chance plays a large role in who we meet and when. However, I like to think that we are all responsible for our own happiness, and chalking every dateless year up to fate isn't exactly conducive to progress. I definitely know what you mean though. It's so much easier to say that life dealt you a bum hand rather than take responsibility for your actions. And anyway, 26 isn't that old yet, at least to me. I know I'm only 22, but if it took 4 more years to find the right girl, I'd be fine. Being single my whole life can just sometimes get me down.

[lalalollipops]

Don't wait for things to come your way. Time to go out and get it. Be proactive. I don't like it when I read threads with ppl going 'I'm 24 and I've been single all my life. Girls don't look my way/I've never gotten the opportunity/I get rejected all the time' blablabla. As Winston Churchill once "never give up, never never never!"

You're young, and even if you were older, stop expecting fate to intervene and make things happen. You should go out there and DO IT YOURSELF. Don't overthink or stress. Just keep trying. Ask girls out. If you fail, continue trying. No one succeeds at the start.

[Rezist]

I bolded the problem, in this day and age you are expected to ask. So what really if they say no? If you don't share alot of mutual friends there is no issues.

[OahuGrown808]

I bolded the problem, in this day and age you are expected to ask. So what really if they say no? If you don't share alot of mutual friends there is no issues.

 

This made me laugh It's true that asking out a stranger does have the benefit of anonymity, but I find that I need to get to know someone first before I am attracted to them and want to spend time with them. The only downside to this method is that it takes longer and I usually just end up becoming friends with them. Don't get me wrong, I can recognize when I find a girl physically attractive, but it's really sort of a crap shoot whether or not I will click with them or not. Perhaps I just need to take more chances. It's just a date, right?

 

@lalalollipops - I know it might be frustrating or annoying to read yet another thread about someone lacking self-confidence, but this is the "dating and shy people" section of the forum. I'm not sure what your history has been with women, but judging by the amount of threads regarding the same issue, it's not a problem that is easily overcome. I know I have to be proactive, and I'm working on it. I primarily posted on this thread to hear some kind words to motivate me, and it's working. Thanks for your advice Over-thinking things is probably what I need to work on the most.

[Vincent Ruiz]

Just by reading your first post on this thread I can tell that you are a very very nice guy.....and that's your problem!! You said your the Dr Phil of your friends and again that's the problem. You're too nice. Now I'm not going to tell you to be a jerk or something but I am going to tell you to be more assertive. You say that if you're interested in a girl that you are embarrassed to show that you like her and that girls are probably the same way. This couldn't be further from the truth. If a girl is interested in you she will touch her hair, scratch her neck or her hand and lightly touch your arm. These are indeed indicator of interest. But you won't see them if you don't look for them.

 

 

Now you also say that you talk to girls at work or at school...and you said you are like Dr. Phil. That is the problem. You are not flirting with this girls but are acting like an emotional tool. You are the guy to go to when they like a guy and need advice. You need to be the guy that they like. Now too many people tell you to do something without actually telling you how to do it. I'll give you a few tips to help you out.

 

 

First and foremost be playful with girls. Tease them a bit. Challenge them and don't go along with anything that you wouldn't agree with. This is called flirting. If a girl says to you "I went to see yadayada movie last night" you reply with a smile "And your point?". I know if sounds like you are being a jerk but you are not, you are being playful and a fun interaction should happen instead the same boring small talk. Now this is not something that is going to happen overnight and you are probably saying to yourself "That's just not me" or "Wouldn't that make me a jerk?". Wipe that thought process from your brain because it has been holding you back.

 

 

Remember....if you keep doing what you've always done...you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

[OahuGrown808]

Yeah, that's what I've been reading. And you're right, I do worry about coming accross as a jerk. But, being flirty, as you've described, isn't completely foreign to me. Believe it or not, I used to interact that way with girls. However, in retrospect, it was more of a defense mechanism more than anything. I would tease them and be playfully mean because it felt safer than being sincerely nice, which I guess comes most naturally to me. I am guilty though of being the "shoulder" for most girls. It makes me feel like I'm connecting with them, but apparently it's only been pushing me farther from them, romantically. Hmm, this is quite the dilemma haha.

[Vincent Ruiz]

If it is in your nature already to have a fun, teasing relationship with girls then I'd say you already have a leg up and it won't seem too unnatural for you. I think that's great. Start doing that again and you will start noticing immediate change. Just keep in mind that even though you are no stranger to flirting it will take time, a lot of work and some thick skin(don't worry, if you don't have it now it will develop in time) to really feel like change is happening. The best things are never handed to us in life so be patient and work hard.

 

 

Another thing I absolutely recommend is you body language/posture? How would you describe it? Do you slouch? If you do then suck that stomach in, put chest out, back straight and shoulders up. When you walk into a room and a girl looks at you she already has preconceived notions about you and she gets that info from your body language. If you slouch and keep your head down, she already has an idea that you are not confident and this will hurt you in the long run. As cliche as it is, women love confidence, it is the absolute truth. And if you walk into a room with your head slightly up, chest out, back straight and shoulders up, you will exude confidence and they will notice you for it. It's hardwired into their brain from caveman days. In those days they didn't have language so they only had body language to go by to find a strong mate. They still have this thought process and will find you attractive through body language.

 

 

If you start practicing and getting those two things down, you will start noticing your self-esteem sky rocket. Keep practicing. Any guy can do it and I know that you can too.

[OahuGrown808]

Thanks! Body language is something that I'm working on as well, and I've come a long way from the days of high school and early college. I remember always looking at the ground everywhere I went because I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone, especially women. But now I definitely carry myself more confidently! Hopefully I will see some results soon. You are definitely right about posture and attitude fostering confidence and boosting self-esteem.

[TehShyGuy85]

He is totally right though. Body language and being a little flirty/teasing/joking around with girls is something to work on. It has been something i have been doing and it has actually made a difference. They actually "notice" me and i'm sure the same will happen with you again.

[OahuGrown808]

Agreed. Actually, doing anything other than staring at the ground was bound to get me noticed, and it has haha. For anyone else reading this, It's important to note that being mean and being playful with teasing and joking are completely different. I just had a tough time separating the two. I think I'm beginning to get it!

[Vincent Ruiz]

Agreed. Actually, doing anything other than staring at the ground was bound to get me noticed, and it has haha. For anyone else reading this, It's important to note that being mean and being playful with teasing and joking are completely different. I just had a tough time separating the two. I think I'm beginning to get it!

 

I love hearing that! Just keep at it man. Confidence is not something you're born with, it's something you develop and maintain. Success breeds confidence. If you need anymore tips just keep asking, I'd be more than happy to help you out and I know everyone else would too. Have fun with it.

[OahuGrown808]

Well, today wasn't so great. The girl I had been pursuing at my work place is pretty much a no-go at this point. She had just recently broken up with her boyfriend, so of course I saw that as an opportunity. I took my time trying to develop my relationship with her, even started going to church events and bible study groups (yes, she's very religious) to try and please her. My gut told me that this was a bad idea to begin with. Anyway, she's been pretty up and down emotionally because of the breakup and I tried to be there for her, listen to her, give her advice and such. Today I found out that she went on a date with one of the guys from her intramural soccer team. She said she didn't want to because she made a commitment to herself to stay single for at least a year, yet she is willing to break that commitment with a guy she just met instead of date me who she's known for almost a year. I know that she's not "mine" and that she can do whatever she wants, but I still feel a little cheated. On top of everything, she's become incredibly distant in her texts and I can tell that she doesn't really want to talk with me, not entirely, but as much as we used to. I guess my 22 year old singleness got the best of me and I ended up coming off a little desperate. I never actually said anything about how I feel, but I have a hunch that she knows. She told me that she's not really looking into a relationship at the moment, so I just took the hint. Anyway, this has all got me feeling pretty down. I put a lot of stock in her -- I guess this is where the term putting the girl on a pedestal comes from. I know it's my fault for being an idiot, but I want to know what I can do to improve. How do I not come off looking really desperate, when inside I know I am? Every time I meet a nice girl who I'm attracted to I kick into relationship mode and scare her away.Thanks for the help, and sorry for the word wall haha.

[Stand Strong]

I agree. Amercian women are MUCH different. They play mind games/are shallow more etc. Not all, just the majority. Anyways, I'm 25 and lost my virginity last year...to a girl who basically used me so I regret it. I've never been on a date of had a gf, In the grand scheme of life, it's no big deal. There is no set age for this stuff so don't feel bad. It is harder when out of school because you really only have work or being bold and approaching women in public. In the end, getting rid of approach anxiety comes with age and practice.

[OahuGrown808]

I agree. Amercian women are MUCH different. They play mind games/are shallow more etc. Not all, just the majority. Anyways, I'm 25 and lost my virginity last year...to a girl who basically used me so I regret it. I've never been on a date of had a gf, In the grand scheme of life, it's no big deal. There is no set age for this stuff so don't feel bad. It is harder when out of school because you really only have work or being bold and approaching women in public. In the end, getting rid of approach anxiety comes with age and practice.

 

Hehe, maybe I need to search abroad. While I agree that there is no age minimum or maximum for this kind of thing, I would definitely like to get the ball rolling sooner than later. I know it's looking a bit ahead, but I would really like a family someday and if it's already taken 22 years to get myself to the point of being comfortable just talking to girls, who knows how much longer it will be until I have a stable relationship. I'm definitely proud of myself for getting this far, but I still got a ways to go.

 

I guess it's just societal and family pressures that are really bugging me. My grandparents are always asking when I'm going to bring a girl over or calculating the years they have left for me to give them great grand children...which is depressing Anyway, I guess 22 isn't that old. Just gotta keep on keepin'-on.

[TehShyGuy85]

In many aspects we are quite similar lol. I too want a family sometime down the road, though i'm a bit older than you at 25, turning 26 this year actually though i look younger than my age so its all good But anyways you're doing a good job just keep it up and eventually something will give!.