Almost 23 and No Dates

[OahuGrown808]

In many aspects we are quite similar lol. I too want a family sometime down the road, though i'm a bit older than you at 25, turning 26 this year actually though i look younger than my age so its all good But anyways you're doing a good job just keep it up and eventually something will give!.

 

Thanks for the support, man! It's little stuff like that that keeps people like you and me going I have a good feeling that it will happen eventually, but I just have to resist the temptation to throw myself at every girl's feet who's willing to talk to me haha. Must remember -- they are just people like everyone else, so treat them like it. If I can manage to do that and keep my want-a-relationship-now attitude in check, I think I will be fine...and look a lot less desperate in the process which is good for my self-esteem too.

[OahuGrown808]

Small update:

 

I ended up finally telling the girl at my office how I felt about her. We had a bit of a moment one night when I stayed late after work to help her find her keys, and that's when I told myself that I would feel far worse not telling her when I have the perfect opportunity rather than just taking the chance. Long story short, she said it wouldn't work because of differences of belief (religion), but it was a learning experience nonetheless. Honestly, I felt disappointed that the feelings weren't reciprocated, but I also felt empowered knowing that the world doesn't come to an end when you share your feelings about someone. I've definitely grown some.

[Brightest Dark]

That's a shame that she said it wouldn't work - but awesome that you did actually pluck up the courage to let her know how you felt. If only everyone was like you.

[OahuGrown808]

That's a shame that she said it wouldn't work - but awesome that you did actually pluck up the courage to let her know how you felt. If only everyone was like you.

 

Thanks I mean, she didn't say those words exactly, but that was the gist. She actually broke up with her previous BF because she felt his "path with God" wasn't where it should be. Considering I'm not really religious at all, the whole thing was kind of screwed from the start. It's too bad that stuff like that can separate people, especially when I had a gut feeling that she felt the same about me. Oh well, plenty of fish right?

[Selfdeprivated]

Thanks I mean, she didn't say those words exactly, but that was the gist. She actually broke up with her previous BF because she felt his "path with God" wasn't where it should be. Considering I'm not really religious at all, the whole thing was kind of screwed from the start. It's too bad that stuff like that can separate people, especially when I had a gut feeling that she felt the same about me. Oh well, plenty of fish right?

 

The things people delude themselves with.

 

Oahu, still on the island? I used to live near Waikiki. Finding people that happened to actually live on the island was hard to do there.

[OahuGrown808]

The things people delude themselves with.

 

Oahu, still on the island? I used to live near Waikiki. Finding people that happened to actually live on the island was hard to do there.

 

Yup, still live on Oahu. What do you mean when you say it's hard to find people who actually live on the island?

[Selfdeprivated]

Yup, still live on Oahu. What do you mean when you say it's hard to find people who actually live on the island?

 

Most of the people I met were either military or tourists.

[OahuGrown808]

Most of the people I met were either military or tourists.

 

Oh, ok. Yeah, we have a pretty big military population here -- not to mention the tourists lol. How did you go about meeting people when you were here?

[Selfdeprivated]

Oh, ok. Yeah, we have a pretty big military population here -- not to mention the tourists lol. How did you go about meeting people when you were here?

 

I didn't thats the thing. I'd go wander Waikiki fro mid afternoon to the early morning and never so much as strike up a conversation. I guess it might be that I may seem unapproachable though?

[jeanettelee]

(will read other posts in thread after this)

I'm already 23 and have been single all my life too

(went on dates before but never kissed anyone)

i also feel that not having been in a relationship while im still a student...really upsets me.

i just feel that with work and all that after graduation... its gonna be more difficult to get myself a bf.

i totally feel you OP.

[OahuGrown808]

@ Selfdeprivated -- Oh man, Waikiki is tourist central! I try to avoid that place as much as possible, and I think many "locals" do too. Did you explore the rest of the island at all? That's where you'll find the local girls you're looking for Are you military? Idk why, but a lot of women seem to be looking for a military man. Maybe it's the whole man-in-uniform thing lol.

 

@ Jeanettelee -- It's good to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I feel like I haven't had the full college experience because of my shyness. At the same time, I've never been interested in that college, make-out-with-you-because-we-are-both-drunk-at-a-party attitude. A lot of people have told me that it's tough to meet people after college because of work and life in general, and this causes a bit of anxiety. BUT I have a strong inclination to just stick to my guns until something gives. I don't think I should have to completely change the way I live my life just to meet someone else's expectations. Then again, insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps, finding a good medium is the key.

[jeanettelee]

i know how u feel about the 'full college experience'. for me it's more about someone who can hug me when im pulling an allnighter in the library. (sounds weird i know but i love hugs and i mean... hugging a girlfriend is not the same) i dont know if what im saying makes sense. just more like emotional support when im still a student.that's why i have been looking forward to haha. college is TOUGH (for me). the feeling of someone being there for you all the time... even when he/she has an essay due tmr noon and he/she would still have dinner with you or something. just unconditional emotional support i guess.

and im totally against that make out at party thing. seriously...no!! thats gross. haha i'd never make out with someone i dont really know...or simply not my bf. but u know how other college students do that yeah? they'd go like yeah... last time i made out with him/her... but no big deal... we were drunk. i used to go clubbing a lot. but im so over it... or sick of it even. some guy grabbing me by my arm and start grinding? no thanks.

please do stick to your own belief/principle/idk what to call it (poor english sorry)... you're doing the right thing (i believe) not making out with random people and all that.

[Selfdeprivated]

@ Selfdeprivated -- Oh man, Waikiki is tourist central! I try to avoid that place as much as possible, and I think many "locals" do too. Did you explore the rest of the island at all? That's where you'll find the local girls you're looking for Are you military? Idk why, but a lot of women seem to be looking for a military man. Maybe it's the whole man-in-uniform thing lol.

QUOTE]

 

Yeah I lived in Waipahu for a couple months but that was years ago. I've moved back to the mainland since then.

[OahuGrown808]

It doesn't sound weird at all. I actually know exactly how you feel! It didn't help either that the first three years I was dorming my friends would always have their girlfriends over. Don't get me wrong, they were cool sometimes. But other times I would feel uncomfortable, especially when they got intimate. On top of all that I would have to play Dr. Phil with my roommates when the couples had an argument. It sometimes feels like I've been through about 3-4 relationships and breakups already, without ever being in one myself!

 

I'm nearing my last semester, and everything is a lot better now. But I would try and rely as little on other people as possible for emotional support. I know it's hard, but being able to self-medicate is a god-send in these kinds of situations.

 

Lastly, I feel you about the club scene. I've only been twice in my life, but both times I felt totally out of my element. I'll admit, dancing is fun once I've had a few drinks, but there's always this enormous pressure from others to "get with chicks" when I'm in that kind of environment, and that's something that I've never been able to understand or agree with. I just fear that having this kind of attitude labels me as "boring" or a "party-pooper."

 

Anyway, I plan to hold firm in my beliefs. But it just seems that guys like myself never get any female attention, while the all the guys on the other end of the spectrum get the girls. It can't just be a coincidence, can it?

[murdock604]

Don't be too hard on yourself dude, I'm shy around girls and often don't know what to say during dates so it becomes awkward. Like the other poster said in the previous page, DO NOT GIVE UP. Put yourself out there and socialize, say 'hi' during a party and start small. Rejection sucks but eventually you'll find the right girl for you.

[OahuGrown808]

Don't be too hard on yourself dude, I'm shy around girls and often don't know what to say during dates so it becomes awkward. Like the other poster said in the previous page, DO NOT GIVE UP. Put yourself out there and socialize, say 'hi' during a party and start small. Rejection sucks but eventually you'll find the right girl for you.

 

Thanks, Murdock Idk if you've read a few posts back, but I actually had my first semi-rejection about a month ago. You're right; it does suck. But I think that I'm better for it, and I'm excited for what 2012 will bring. Hopefully I'll fare a bit better in the dating area this time around.

[murdock604]

Thanks, Murdock Idk if you've read a few posts back, but I actually had my first semi-rejection about a month ago. You're right; it does suck. But I think that I'm better for it, and I'm excited for what 2012 will bring. Hopefully I'll fare a bit better in the dating area this time around.

Good work! It sucks but you've got a great attitude, I'm sure you'll great. I'll probably be single soon so you might find me asking for advice on how to interact with women; I get into relationships and when I'm single I forget how to flirt/become shy.

[OahuGrown808]

Update - now 23, still no luck.

 

Well, I had a bit of a breakdown at a party a few weeks ago, and I think it brought to light many of the problems that I have, or at least think I have. (heads up - long story)

 

This girl whom I had a crush on a few years back was at a house party my friend hosted. She is no longer living on the island because she moved away for school, and we have always been distant friends since her departure. We got along well that night. She chose to sit next to me and be around me a majority of the party and was always taking pictures of the two of us. There was also a bit of playful hitting. She had to leave early, but as soon as she was gone three of my friends insisted that she had been flirting with me and that I had missed an opportunity to "make my move." We had all been drinking pretty heavily, so they were especially aggressive in telling me that I had screwed up, making me feel terrible.

 

I used my urgent need to pee to excuse myself from the situation, but as soon as I entered the bathroom I broke down and starting crying. I didn't want to go back to the party with red, puffy eyes. So I stayed in the bathroom for longer than necessary, something my friends caught on to and started taunting me from outside the door. I opened the door quickly to try and avoid eye contact and went straight for my bag to get a cigarette and told them that I needed a smoke. I guess my change in mood was obvious because they followed me outside and tried to make light of the situation. I couldn't stand being around them anymore so I started walking down the street away from the house, the whole while one of my friends getting in my way trying to stop me.

 

I eventually came back down the street and sat on a small curb opposite the house. Two of the three friends who had harassed me earlier, now a bit more sober, came out to talk to me and told me that they were drunk and being a-holes. At that point, I pretty much thought-vomited everything that had been bothering me from when I started this thread up until now.

 

To sum-up - I told them that i was using my lack of success with women as evidence towards my future failure with women. I have never received any sort of validation from the opposite sex, so I felt ugly, unattractive, and like I had nothing to offer a woman. Ultimately, I felt unloveable and unable to love someone back. I continued that I would never have the body, the car, or the amount of money that would make me attractive. I told them that I hated myself and had zero confidence and absolutely no hope of finding love in the future.

 

Of course, I understand that some of this was ridiculous and was partially fueled by alcohol. But I have a feeling that the underlying issues of confidence and self-worth are very real. It doesn't help that I can't seem to get over the only girl that I've ever had the guts to share my feelings with and am having a difficult time finding interest in other women.

 

On a side note, it did raise my spirits a bit when one of friends who was talking to me said that his ex-girlfriend and the three of her friends said that I was attractive, girls I thought were out of my league. I didn't believe him at first, but his brother corroborated the story. I still don't know if it was a play to just make me feel better, but either way, it did.

 

If you read my previous posts in this thread, I thought that I was making some progress. Clearly, I still have a lot of work ahead of me. There is no way that I will be able to love someone if I can't love myself. I know that I shouldn't rely on others to validate myself, but I've put women and relationships so high up on a pedestal that it's dominating my life. Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments.

[BruisedLee]

Hey OahuGrown, I've been reading through your last post and I've definitely been there. I'm 26 and still haven't been in a relationship. I'm also out of uni. And even being out of uni I have come to the realisation that it's still very possible to find someone for me. I've found that being in the moment and just having a positive outlook on things has improved my life.

 

Going back a year ago, I rarely went out, had a very limited social network and was just unhappy with myself generally. Nowadays I'm hanging out with friends almost every weekend and having fun. I've found the less I worry about my predicament, the more I focused on making the most of my life and the most of my interactions, the more people are drawn to me. My issue has been one of social awkwardness and just a lack of conditioning in social situations. This has been improved upon in leaps and bounds. I've since had interest from girls, both implicitly and explicitly and it's mainly happened when I haven't been actively looking and me being myself. There are still times I get a bit sad, but it's something I try not to dwell upon because that doesn't make me happy nor is it productive.

 

That being said, I realise that I have to start taking more chances and well.. Risk rejection whilst doing so. As I write this I realise that I can't give up on finding love, especially when I haven't even given it a real decent try (ie. asking women out, internet dating, joining clubs) and really putting myself out there.

 

I think making connections with people, whoever they are, is very important. Try to focus on others in your interactions and when you do so people will notice! Everyone no matter who they are have something that they can bring to the table. You seem to be nice, educated and sociable. You sound like you are learning your lessons too albeit the hard way (as I have too) but eventually, you will more than likely find someone who will want to date you. Best wishes. BruisedLee

[epsilon2x]

I've heard it's tough to meet people outside of college.

 

It's actually easier I think to meet people outside of college. As long as you're not shy (unfortunately you posted in 'dating and shy people'). The reason is that you can talk to strangers and control what your first impression is like. You don't have to worry about your reputation of what the girl knows about you. Just start asking girls out the first time you meet them and if you get rejected, analyze what went wrong and fix it.

[OahuGrown808]

Bruisedlee - Thanks for the advice! It's encouraging to hear that you have made progress, and it has definitely given me hope. I think there is a lot of truth to what you said about just being yourself and enjoying life. I also struggle with a bit of social awkwardness, though it has improved significantly from a few years ago. I sometimes feel like I'm socially underdeveloped compared friends/classmates, and I need to work extra hard if I want to catch up.

 

Also, your third paragraph really resonated with me. I often beat myself up when I'm feeling down, having never actually tried that hard to put myself out there in the first place. I guess it's easier to wallow in self-pity than to make change. I agree that dwelling on the negative isn't productive and I plan to change that soon. Thanks again!

[bmmg39]

So sorry to hear of your rough night.

[OahuGrown808]

So sorry to hear of your rough night.

 

Thanks man! I actually ended up going to Disneyland with that girl I mentioned in the story a few weeks after the party, and I'm pretty sure now that we are just friends. She called me her "buddy," and that's never a good sign, right? And, she always talks to me about her boy problems - two classic signs of a friendzone. Well...to be honest I'm still on the fence on whether or not the friendzone exists, but I'm just identifying some of the common symptoms haha.

 

Anyway, it's nice to know that people take the time to read my stories. I've left a few comments on two of your posts - just in case you read this first.

[Jamesonn]

Hey OahuGrown808,

 

This will be controversial to some members here but have you ever considered attending a PUA bootcamp? I've heard of a couple that are supposed to be really good. Basically you attend a weekend long event in which they work on confidence building, inner game, and techniques to boost your confidence and talk to women. You'll go out with a group of guys in a similar boat as yourself and basically approach women and learn things about attraction and female psychology. If interested, I can throw you a few suggestions in a pm.

 

Also, online dating is maybe something to consider. You're the same age as me and I just got out of a very long relationship and am starting fresh so to speak. What I've done so far is join groups on link removed, join an online dating site and am getting myself involved in local events/activities. The more people you meet and converse with, the better chance you have at finding someone who really clicks with you.

[OahuGrown808]

I've never been a fan of the "pick-up artist" stuff, but I try to have an open mind. Go ahead and send me that PM. Who knows, perhaps I'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

My main gripe that I have with all that stuff is thinking about male/female relations like a "game." Labeling the whole dating process as a game makes everything seem incredibly inauthentic, like everyone is just playing each other to get in each other's pants. Although, I could definitely use a boost of confidence!

 

Lastly, I've been thinking about online dating for some time now. I hesitate because I still feel like I can get a date the traditional way, even though that seems less and less likely as the years go by. There's a part of me that feels like it's a cop-out, even though online dating is becoming more and more popular. AND, the best part is that even if I managed to get a date via an online dating site, I'm still deathly afraid of engaging a female in that kind of setting. I can get along with girls well enough in day-to-day interactions, but I've never been able to get myself comfortable with a dating scenario. There's just too much pressure, like I'm supposed to be this super impressive manly-man who sweeps her off her feet. As soon as there is an expectation that I'm supposed to woo her, I completely retract into my shell.

 

Haha, I'm reading through my post and I think I need help. Idk what it's going to take for me to shake this ridiculous fear.