This is stilll unbearably hard...getting worse.

[RayF]

It'sbeen three weeks since she broke up with me. No contact except a compleatly emotionless email suggesting a book to put things into perspective.

 

I feellike i'm falling intodepression more andmore as i miss her more and more. I tell myself i deserve someone who will put as much effort into me asi did her andactually wants to be withme and that helps but i start to think deeper.

 

I realize that because of myparent's divorce at the age of 5 i have become a needy person. and although i never exerted control over her, when we would argue iwould subconsciously talk her into feeling guily, because i was too afraid to amit my own mistakes in fear that she'd up and leave. Though this was not intentonal i realize thats the pattern i was taking,

 

because she suffered from anxiety it was extreamly easy for her to blame herself.

 

So when she left she told me she wanted to feel independent and she couldn't deal with relationship pressures anymore despite loving me and still feeling passonate romance with me.

 

I'm getting help to deal with my past and needyness but i beat myself up to hell when i think about the fact that i had a wonderfull girl who i probably was too critical of (even though most of the time i just wanted to help her with her own problems, i realize i was still too critical and didn't come off as understanding enough) I think it's so hard to find a girl like her, she was so genuine, loyal and trustworthy and absoutly beautiful, like an actress. Sheloved me and always tried to do anything for me.

 

I realize her self esteem was not great and nither was mine and thats what the weak link was.

 

I just think back to how mean i was to her when she broke up with me. Telling her i would not forgive her, thati hated all our memories and that she was being foolish for throwing away a guy who was willing to do anything for her.

 

But i think about how she is doing and what she is thinking, the only thing i heard was about a week ago she was doing rough, and i don't want her to resent me because of my bitterness and honestly i don't want her to beat herself up over it.

 

However i don't want her to think i rspect her decision. and i do still want her to hurt because she broke myheart. as time goes on though i honestlyam less and less bitter and more and more sad,just missing the good times and wished i had foundsome waytogently get her to dosomething about her anxiety, i think if she had help on that most of our other problems would have been obsolete.

 

I'm thinking of writing her a letter. Istill hope and pray some day it can be salvaged because honestly we were two good people who never wanted to intentonally hurt eachother and the times wehad together were just amazing, honestly there were no words to describe it.

 

I want to say something along the lines as irespect her need to be independent but never wanted her to feel trapped in the relationship. i feel sorry forever being critical of her even though allot of times it was with good intentons,ishould not have pushed her so hard to change, even if i just thought she would be hellping herself and i hated seeing her unhappy. All the while i still want to maintain myself dignaty andlet her know that i still am not happy with her choice to cut all ties but have no choice but to move on for my own good.

 

I still want her to respect me and think i do want whatsis best for her, and respect her needsbut i don't want her to think i amo kay with her decision.

 

shouldi just leave it the way i left it or shoukld iwrite the letter?

 

And i'm fighting the urge to call just to see how she is... i know this girl and i know with her anxiety it must be really hard.

 

agianshe thought i wasneedy at times and keeping to initiate contact maynot be agood idea, even though this isn't a critisizing letter or an atempt to beg her to take me back. Wouldshe respect the decision or continue to feel smothered?

 

This is such a tough situation...

[sayer7]

You should write the letter, but don't send it.

 

She's been hurt enough by the relationship... I think both of you have. It's time to take a few breathers away from each other so both of you can heal... her receiving a letter from you won't help her healing process. The writing of the letter may help you get everything out on the table and off of your chest, but she doesn't need to read it in order to help you heal.

 

I understand what you mean when you say you hope she feels hurt for breaking your heart. But I'm sure she's thinking the same thing... and also thinking "I hope he learned his lesson."

 

In your next relationship remember what she's taught you and take this time away from her to begin improving yourself. Change doesn't happen over night... it can take months to years.... but if you work on it consistently you'll change into the person you want to be.

 

I'm in the same processes of healing, and hearing my ex telling me he doesn't respect my decision to "throw away" a 2 year relationship only has built more resolve not to be with him or ever go back to him. I take him saying those kinds of things as mind games and guilt trips trying to force me to feel bad about myself-- and doubt my decisions even though I know what I did was good for me. I still love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore because of the many things he's done to jeopardize the relationship. I finally told him I wanted No Contact and I feel much better not hearing from him.

 

So take my perspective and apply some of it to her and you'll begin to see the whole picture.

 

I hope this helps and I'm sorry I'm not a supporter of sending her a letter... but I AM a supporter of you writing one to get your feelings out infront of you and begin the healing process.

[lisaria]

Hi Ray,

It does sound like a really bad situation and I'm sorry for both of you guys. Lots of times the dumper does feel bad and from what you say she does but I don't think worrying about her is going to do you any good.

You have to remember that she broke up with you which puts things in a different light. Even though she is feeling bad she has not come back to you and you have to remember this.

If you were to write to her now, would you be strong enough to take the rejection that is a very real possibility? She may not respond and if she does respond it could be a short impersonal one. Could you handle that? Or would it put you back where you were? When we are so vulnerable we think that contacting our exes for their benefit, to see how they are and all that bs is actually for us. We think that if we tell them and show them how much we've changed, how much better we are doing that it will wake them up and they'll come running back. Only it hardly ever works that way. They don't respond or they respond very coldly. Either way it hurts us. ALOT.

I think you should think really hard about this. You said things that hurt her because she hurt you, forgive yourself. Work on your healing. She is responsible for hers.

[RayF]

thanks for the replies guys.

 

Well i did it and am not ashamed of it.

 

I'm not calling her, i'm giving us both space. all i wanted to do is end it on a more positive note as i said we were two good people in an unfortunate circumstance,

 

she still left me loving me and not wanting anyone else. I love her too much to make her think i wanted her to feel badly about herself. i do forgive myself but honestly, she did deserve better than the way i left it with her no matter how much she hurt me.

 

i realize that she will hurt regardless of if i want her to or not,

 

My mon thinks that i have really noting to lose by sending it and it might make us both feel better.

 

i stated in the letter that it was not an attempt to prolong her healing but to help me with mine,

 

i kept it simple.

 

said i never wanted her to feel bad about herself. and was sorry for being hurtful when we spoke.

 

said i'm sorry if i was being critical when we wouldargue, i've learned i have done wrong but never ment any ill intentions and only anted hr happiness,

 

said i'm sorry my personal delema led to our downfall but i;m trying to keep a positive outlook regardless. said i would have beat it with or without her but still thanked her for her support.

 

said i respect her needs and love her enough to move on with my own life and i would be fine.

 

said despite what i said, if you feel you need to contact do not be afraid to do so.

 

still said i didn;t think it was the only way this had to be,i believed our love could have prevailed over all else but it was her decision and i'm not prepared to tell her to change it,

 

i told her she is a strong wonderfull person and she will overcome her problems and be fine,

 

the only somewhat selfish thing i said and i'm glad i did because i firmly believe it is that i asked her to please not try and rationalize that this was the best decision for both of us. She can decide whats right for her and her alone and thats fine but allow me the dignaty to decide whats right for me and i do not feel this is whats right for me. I said i don't feel like any less of a man without her but i felt like i was even more when i was with her.

 

ido feel better.

 

i don't expect a reply,

 

I don't feel like cntinually vrying or lying around but my godam imissing her and fearing i'll never be able to stop fantasising about getting together,

 

i am scared that i'll never be that happy agian and i'll never find someone as good as her agian.

 

it would be so much easier if she was a bad person...

 

but my future, though i try and keep optomitic feels very very dark, sad and bleakand ifear the natural progression of things...

 

hearing things about her, seeing her happy if i am still sad,and god forbid her ever finding someone else.

 

it makes me sick thinking about that.

[Satch]

In your next relationship remember what she's taught you and take this time away from her to begin improving yourself. Change doesn't happen over night... it can take months to years.... but if you work on it consistently you'll change into the person you want to be.

Yes, this is the easy way out. (and really bad advice by the way) Or you could take a more constructive approach and try to love her back to you. If you really think you two are meant to be together, then don't give up faith.

 

A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity for the growth of a love bond. You will never learn how to build a solid love bond by going from relationship to relationship. You will learn by maintaining a relationship and growing within that relationship. Don't forget that.

[sayer7]

I don't think it's bad advice if you believe the relationship is completely over, it's not good to dwell on things and feeling bad about yourself.

 

As for sending the letter, I would still suggest not sending it unless you plan on apologizing for your reaction to her breaking up with you and not ask her back. If she comes back to you, and you want her back-- then by all means try again if this is your choice. But for now you still have to respect her choice because obviously something wasn't working for her.

 

A relationship is about respect and trust. You reaction probably hurt her and it made the break-up even more difficult.

 

I understand you didn't and still don't want to give up on the relationship, but the fact that she broke up with you should make you realize she needs time away. And although it's very difficult, you need to accept it and for now (until she comes back to or not) improve yourself.

 

When it comes down to it, you can't make her change her mind. And begging her to come back may only push her farther away.

 

If you do send a letter, I would simply apologize to her for the mean things you said during the break-up because it really didn't benefit either of you because you regret saying those mean things, and also hurt her more (she may even feel more justified in leaving you).

 

If you merely apologize for the mean things you said, then yes, she needs to hear it for her own healing. But begging her to come back or saying things that induce a feeling of guilt might back-fire and make her more remote to you and feel even more justified in leaving you.

 

Either way, you need focus on your healing process and improving yourself-- whether she comes back to you or not.

 

That's just another two cents.

[Satch]

That is a much more positive and constructive response sayer7.

 

The "just get over it"/"there are many more fish in the sea" mentality does no one any good. It is a defeatist attitude, unless you do want to get over someone. But Ray7 never said that.

[RayF]

Satch i couldn't agree with you more man! Thats the approach i was desperatly trying to tell her before she broke it off. I told her how will she ever learn how to get over the rocky bump when the period of finding out t he negative things about the other person and how to accept and overcome them in her next relationship if she just wants to bail when things get rough?

 

I wanted to learn how to mend a relationship on the verge of death.

 

Her argument was that we were trying for at least 6 months and i was bewildered because i hadn't even heard about this anxiety disorder until about 2 months ago. i argued major adjustment takes time, she said she just couldn't do it. no relationship should be this much work etc. other couples don';t have this many problems etc. (inreality most of the cupoles i know had far MORe problems, i know she is a bit dillusional but i do know she's suffering from this disorder)

 

But i do know the way i left it, hatefull and bitter would do nothing but solidify her decision to leave.

 

thats what the purpose of this letter was.

 

Like i said it was mearly apologizing for the hasty way of ending it, and telling her i respect her needs and know she can overcome her problems because she is a strong person.

 

don't worry, I did NOT beg for her back ( oh man if i did i would have screwed myself good!)

 

however i stuck to my guns, said i still didn't agree with her decison and i KNEW we would overcome it since we were finally overcoming communication problems but it dosn't work when only one person wants to hang in and her decison is her decision.

 

I told her i loved her enough to move on with my life, at this point what other choice doi really have?

 

so thats pretty much it. i respect your needs, hope you findwhat you want, still don't think it was the right decison but i'll move on with my life because ihave to.

 

although i did state i missed her and was disappointed,i made it sound as if i knew it was final. because right now, is it really anything else?

 

I mean i'll still try and save it in a passive aggressive way if i can but if she finds another guy that might give me more pain than it's worth.

 

Hey if i ever want her back i have to be the amazing guy i was to her, not some bitter shell of a man who hates her guts (i never could). and she deserves to know i don't.

 

my friends and family tell me that it's her loss and i'm just too good a guy for her. but man, nobody made me feel like she did ever. and she seems to think she gave it her all and she did try hard.

 

we shared allot of special things including a trip to my dad's birthtown in italy. I essentially discovered my herratige with her.

 

we were never rude to one another, always were comfertable affectonate and willing to compromise.

 

we were just both too insecure toget past our flaws. and i always wanted to work at it and she just didn't anymore.

 

everyone tellsme just to get onwith my life.mymonseems to be the only one thining i shouldtry just a little bit harder.

 

But sach i totally agree with what you said about a defeatist additude, i even said that to her when we were breaking up! I thinkallot of people just take the easy way out of things these days.

 

man... ihave so much disappointment over this.

[sayer7]

Ahh... I see she's one of those people who expects perfection in a relationship.

 

I see what y'all are talking about now.

 

Anyway, yea, I do agree with Satch and I think you did the right thing.

 

I used to be scared of every little bump, but then there were so many bumps (like him not showing up for my emergency tumor surgery to go drink with his friends, and him deciding to tell me he was taking another person on OUR week long vacation to Key West that we'd planned for months-- telling me the day before we were supposed to leave, among a looong list of other bumps).

 

My bf used to tell me to chill out about the bumps, that staying with the relationship despite the bumps was important to know how we functioned together... and I did chill out for 2 years. But then the bumps became major bumps like the ones I mentioned above and I decided to leave the relationship.

 

If y'alls relationship was virtually bumpless before she decided to break-up with you, there's a lot more "bumps" going on inside her mind that you probably don't know about and it's just overwhelming her and I agree with you and Satch- she does need to think about holding onto the relationship if the relationship was going well prior the break-up.

 

Sorry for my unattentiveness... I had to reread your original post over and over again feeling like I was an idiot-- I think I finally got it straight in my head. LOL Must be one of those days..... Argh...

[Satch]

sayer7 - no one said you were an idiot.

 

By the sounds of your story, you have every right to be negative about relationships. You bf treated you like crap by the sounds of it. Those two examples you gave were horrendous!

[sayer7]

 

 

yea no one said I was, but I wasn't reading carefully... I should read carefully if I'm trying to give advice! haha Sorry about that.

 

Yea, I'm pretty negative about bumps but then I'm the one who tolerated the bumps for 2 years. hehe

 

I think every guy and gal should be given the benefit of the doubt for a number of times and to be forgiven a number of times. I think people should give their all in relationships and try to stick out rough spots-- afterall it's the working together through those rough spots that can bring a couple even closer together once things smooth out.

 

When the bumps start getting serious though and they get worse over time and issues aren't being addressed and the couple isn't communicating well despite many attempts by one party to do so , then I believe they have every right to re-evaluate the relationship. But not before they give it a 100% mature effort in trying to sort things out.

 

If someone's not willing to work through those rough spots, even from the beginning, then I think it shows fear in one or both parties to commit for the long haul. And that should be seriously considered.

[RayF]

sayer7 yeah i definatly agree with your last comment .

 

I think the problem here is a matter of difference of oppinion on what exactly is enough timestrying to work it out? I think it's a matter of patience. my idea of patience was allowed allot longer than 6 months to sort these personality differences out (even thoughi think it's only been the last 2 or 3 months that we've actually been getting to the root of the problem through communication)but she looks at it as it's been a year of fighting. It really hasn't though, i mean it sucks for her because she can't handle conflict, her parents refused to fight in front of her as a kid. But our fights were never major, over just silly stupid things that we (or at least I) wouldforget about in 20 mins. Recently they were getting more intense, but i was finally starting to realize our personality differences and how to adjust to them. so since i realized like about 2 months ago she;s senstive to conflict and i have italian blood in me it's gonnatake a bit of time to adjust to this all, but for her i'd do it, and she should have started to realize it wasn't a big deal. It's all about working to rach that happy medium. She's gotta realize thats part of every relationship, the next one she's in will be no different.

 

she thinks she's given it enough chances to change, and why would it now? etc.

 

It's a matter of her being a little immature as well i think. She's only 20 afterall. First long term relationship (mine too but i'm a little more mature than she is).

 

And she really does have this dissorder that makes things worse.

 

My friends and family are getting sick of me dwelling on fighting a losing battle, at this point i really don't feel theres much i can do, but my god is it hard...