Learned my lesson, but the consequences of jealousy still haunt me.

[Raiden]

A few years ago I was bitterly jealous of another man who, or so I thought at the time, was getting far too much female attention than what he deserved. One of these women was someone who I had recently had a brief "thing" with but her ex-boyfriend had asked her to give him a second chance... and her heart belonged to him. This other guy I had no qualm with, but I was nevertheless still hurt about losing her as a potential partner and losing her companionship.

 

But he was also friends with - yes, friends, not a lover of - two other women that I was also friends with at the time. It then came to my attention that he had a plethora of female friends, and it seemed to me that he was wooing them all. Because I was hurt about losing Sally (let's just call her that for convenience) and because of my own emotional insecurities I lashed out at him and accused him of being a unscrupulous "player" for want of a better word. I can't recall precisely what was said, but it was unpleasant, unfair, and perhaps more importantly untrue. The ramifications of this were twofold; an innocent and sensitive guy who just happened to be good pals with people I knew irrespective of their gender was hurt and withdrew from his social network entirely, and Sally hated me for what I did.

 

I'm not naive or ignorant enough to begin to try to justify my actions by saying that the self-loathing and depression I've experienced since I was in my early teens could be used as excuses for what I did. While they might well be reasons for my insecurities, they're not excuses for how I behaved. I wish I could undo what was done; not so I could feel better, but so the damage that was inflicted upon others could be undone. Sadly the time has long passed to rectify anything, if it would even be possible.

 

Instead of feeling sorry for myself I had to play with cards I had been dealt (an inappropriate metaphor I know, because this wasn't a stroke of misfortune that had been handed to me but something of my own doing) and I learned my lesson. What I did was a wicked and spiteful thing, but I had to move on for the sake of my own sanity. But I'll never be completely free of it. It still troubles me.

[catfeeder]

You're 28 years old, not 90. Be careful you don't lose your resiliency over things that aren't nearly as tragic as they can become when you live inside your head. Calling someone a player isn't exactly a curse. He might not speak to you today if you called him a goober or a poopie head, but wouldn't that make it apparent that he had something else going on?

 

You messed with someone who was rebounding. That's not the most brilliant thing in the world to do, but it's not a crime. Bigger lesson learned is to screen your dates more carefully. Someone who's fresh out of a breakup is not dating material, and neither is someone who's still hung up on an ex no matter how long ago they broke up. If you get that, then you'll put such creatures well outside your list of potentials, and their ability to scald you is neutralized.

 

Apologizing to anyone you believe you've wronged isn't an act with an expiration date. It doesn't mean that they need to forgive you, but you'll sleep better at night. If you prefer a write-off as beyond your scope of desire or capability, then put the whole deal into healthy perspective and appreciate that the purpose of owning a conscience is preventative. You won't repeat that particular error, but sentencing yourself to suffer as a criminal is over the top--and counter productive. It cuts you off from appreciating and cultivating your best qualities, which only prevents you from sharing your best self with others going forward.

 

Head high, brush yourself off, and get back on the horse.

[Deciduous]

Hi Raiden,

 

Yes you did an unfortunate thing, but you've had the courage to admit this to yourself. You understand the ramifications of your actions. Must people would insist to themselves, til the cows came home, that their actions were justified.

 

I am wondering why a little self forgiveness has not been afforded to you by now. Why the sash cloth and ashes several years later. Most of us make horrible mistakes, (I'm cringing as a think of a few of my own) but we have strong enough capacity for self-love to say "I learnt, I wiser now and I forgive myself."

 

There is a lack of self love or self esteem here at the core of this issue. It not about what happened years ago. It's about repeatedly telling yourself that you don't deserve anything good in your life, that you deserved to be punished by replaying this saga over and over in your mind. But is that any way to effect personal growth? Raiden, who is truly benefiting here, from this self flagellation?

 

How long will you go on saying I deserve self vilification because of something that happened years ago. Lets be honest. You didn't hide crack cocaine in his pocket and shop him to the police. You got a little narked, a little jealous and make some comments.

 

This a self esteem issue, as you well know, and not about the innocent and sensitive guy who, no doubt, long ago went onto bigger and better things. In your mind the man seems to have taken on a Dalai Lama proportions. He's a big boy. Sometimes people aren't nice.

 

If you have a spiritual faith of some kind then seek absolution and put it behind you. If not, then I am really hoping you find it through this thread, or through your loved ones, because you most certainly deserve it.

 

All the best

[Raiden]

You messed with someone who was rebounding. That's not the most brilliant thing in the world to do, but it's not a crime. Bigger lesson learned is to screen your dates more carefully. Someone who's fresh out of a breakup is not dating material, and neither is someone who's still hung up on an ex no matter how long ago they broke up. If you get that, then you'll put such creatures well outside your list of potentials, and their ability to scald you is neutralized.

I appreciate what you're saying, but it might not have worked out even if she hadn't just come out of a long term relationship and was ready to date again. It wasn't her fault that things between us didn't flourish (no, and neither was it mine). And I've healed since then, and I believe in my heart she is happy wherever she is right now. This isn't what I'm hung up about.

 

I am wondering why a little self forgiveness has not been afforded to you by now. Why the sash cloth and ashes several years later. Most of us make horrible mistakes, (I'm cringing as a think of a few of my own) but we have strong enough capacity for self-love to say "I learnt, I wiser now and I forgive myself."

 

There is a lack of self love or self esteem here at the core of this issue. It not about what happened years ago. It's about repeatedly telling yourself that you don't deserve anything good in your life, that you deserved to be punished by replaying this saga over and over in your mind. But is that any way to effect personal growth? Raiden, who is truly benefiting here, from this self flagellation?

 

How long will you go on saying I deserve self vilification because of something that happened years ago. Lets be honest. You didn't hide crack cocaine in his pocket and shop him to the police. You got a little narked, a little jealous and make some comments.

You're right. My low self-esteem is something I could write a book on. I've always had issues with my appearance (not worth getting into that in this thread) but I tend to overlook the way I negatively appraise my own personality, too. I try my best to be a decent person and I know I have qualities as a human being, but whenever a mistake is made I condemn myself as a permanent failure. It's something I need to work on, I'll admit.

 

But part of the problem is I've had so few friends over the course of my life that instances like this feel like so much more of a loss than if I had a thriving social network. It's a big deal for me when someone's (non-romantic) companionship is lost, whether it's my own fault or otherwise. But I'll stop myself from rambling. I appreciate what both of you have said.

[FathomFear]

Our lives are filled with mistakes. The key is to learn from them, so I think you've already done that. Kudos.

 

As far as how to move past this, do you know whether his guy is still in your local area? If so, why not give him a call and apologize?

[Raiden]

do you know whether his guy is still in your local area? If so, why not give him a call and apologize?

Nope. I have no idea where this guy even lives. I was never really on personal speaking terms with him in the first place so I never even had a phone number or an IM address. Otherwise, I would have made some attempt to contact him before now.

[catfeeder]

I appreciate what you're saying, but it might not have worked out even if she hadn't just come out of a long term relationship and was ready to date again. It wasn't her fault that things between us didn't flourish (no, and neither was it mine). And I've healed since then, and I believe in my heart she is happy wherever she is right now. This isn't what I'm hung up about.

 

I understand. The reason that questioning her as dating material in the first place is important isn't about blaming her--or you. It's about looking for the source mistake as the first domino, without which there would have been no trigger to set off the outburst that followed.

 

You got stung, and you set yourself up for that--so regardless of how elegantly you credit yourself for handling the outcome intellectually, it was the reason you came out sideways on someone.

 

Looking at cause and effect isn't about assigning blame, it's about regaining confidence in your own self control--and more importantly, your future decision making capabilities. When you know what choices, exactly, set all else into motion, then you can know what, exactly, you can do to avoid setting yourself up for a similar scenario in the future.

 

Sure, going off at the mouth was a mistake, but addressing WHY--and how to avoid the same WHY going forward--is how we learn to trust ourselves. Beating yourself up without taking any pearls that can serve you makes no sense. It's a waste of emotional energy and causes you to believe that self torture and clamping down is the appropriate way to curb such outbursts. That misses the point. If you're brave enough to roll back a bit further, you'll avoid the mistake of rolling right over the primary mistake of the whole scenario--and as uncomfortable as that may be, it's the most empowering stuff to be gained from a bad experience.