Advice needed on behavior of boyfriend. Should I fix? Is it me? Is it the end?

[InkkedBree]

I don't usually ask for advice. I'm a private person. But here I go:

 

I don’t know what to do. Or maybe it’s just me, making these little mistakes? I have this boyfriend, over a year and a half. He has a temper, very impatient. I do understand why he has those. His childhood was not the best – it is actually a childhood of someone from a horror story. ‘Course it’s no excuse but that’s the cause. I mean, his father was an assassin. Now in jail. A cold, heartless one, very abusive. And he had witnessed assassination by his father, he told me. That’s just one part of his childhood but it’s a major one and I believe it’s the main one. While if he had a better father, he would still be struggling a bit but vastly better, I believe. But anyway.

 

This is long but I hope for a decent response.

 

I’ve been living with him for the summer. He invited me for the entire summer. He told me that he wanted to spend some time with his thirteen year old sister before she goes back to school. They are very close in their sibling relationship. Sometimes he feels like a father and daughter type, he told me this. He is 35 to her 13.

 

I will be honest about my faults in this relationship, but his temper is the overpowering one for me. At least to me. I am slightly jealous of her but not entirely. I do like the kid. I welcome her. I’m friends with her and do talk to her as friends. I don’t treat her as a kid but an equal. She likes me. I just… I feel like his attention is shifted totally to her, leaving little to me. I wish there was a balance between me and her. It feels like she has 90% of him while I’m waiting on a 10% of him. I understand she’s family. But he had talked about marriage with me so shouldn’t I be on even wavelength with her? I just want 50% to her 50%. He even told me that his last ex was very jealous of her too so I wonder if it is just him shifting too much attention on her? It could be us but I don’t know, I’m not even sure.

 

Sometimes she gets invited on our outings. Like going to the fair or whatever. Not that I mind, really, but I wish he would ask me. I never know till we go and she comes with me. Though he does have a bad memory but it’s been often. And she comes often and I need more of a quality time with him. Especially since this summer, our connection, it feels like it’s been fading. I told him this often and he knows this but I feel like that’s been placed on second while she’s on first.

 

Okay. Back to this. He told me he wanted to spend some time with her before she goes back to school. I didn’t mind. I said fine. He wants an entire month of July with her as she goes back to school tomorrow. I kind of felt like… It’s too much. Why can’t he alternate or something because it’s like I’d be there, just waiting and being around, you know? August is supposed to be mine but this week came and he says this is the last week before she goes back so it’s another week so I said fine. What can I do anyway? Not a big deal, it shouldn’t be.

 

But also, before that week came, I told him I want to go back to my apartment. He asked me if it was bad. I said I didn’t know. I just needed to think. I just want to think of our relationship. I said I could leave that day but he said no, he wanted me there so I’m there and waiting till this week is up. I just need to think because of his temper, which I would explain soon.

 

So I kind of feel like I’m leaving soon. I haven’t gotten much of intimacy with him, just simple intimate moments of us. Not just sex or whatever but just a connection, talking, or whatever. I’m leaving soon and he’s still concentrating on her a lot. He said he hadn’t spent time with her at all because I’m there so it’s been three of us, not time alone for them. I’m just… I don’t know. Maybe it’s just his reasoning that there’s a possible break-up so he’d focus on what would stay for sure? But they have been spending a lot of time together, even if it’s the three of us. And she is not a selfish child unlike me sometimes (only child raised syndrome). And there has been some days, two or three that I rejected joining them so they went ahead. And there has been some nights I went to bed early, leaving them behind to their fun that they planned like movie nights.

 

I have to add that I am not perfect but I have been improving tons, actively improving, been aware of what I’m doing and trying my best. When we go out, if there’s something happening like them not signing (I am Deaf) so I stare off, people watch, and yes, kinda shrug them off in my pity me moments, being a bit upset. But I have been improving. I haven’t gotten upset a lot. I tried not to. I’ve gotten upset a bit yesterday because we were in LA and I’m kinda environmental and we were chewing gum and I found a trash can to put mine in but they littered. I asked them not to and he brushed me off. It’s not the fact that he had a different stance of opinion but I felt he didn’t respect my opinion. So I was kinda upset, but only for five minutes and I snapped myself back for him, didn’t want to upset him. Because he gets upset if I get upset “over little things”. He said I gave him an attitude but I did not. When they were pointing at an art they saw, an art that I saw before they did… I do admit that I did have a soft tone like it was a “Yeah…” kinda thing, and I said “Yeah… I saw that…” And he got upset a bit. I don’t know what to do. I immediately got better, pushed it out of my mind five minutes later. Much better than before. I have improved for him but he didn’t care. Just that I gave him an attitude.

 

Now, the argument yesterday:

 

I asked him if we could watch a movie later tonight together. He said sure. So I did my thing in the bedroom while they’re in the computer room together all hours. I didn’t mind. Don’t care. I like me-times anyway, need solitude. When he came in, I said that I want some intimacy. He got upset, his temper came, yelled, said he was supposed to spend time with his sister (this was after we all came back from LA from 12 to 8 ). I originally had in mind that I would wait till she sleeps to watch the movie. While I knew I get tired more, I actually ate and stuff to make me more awake. Or at least rent a movie for all of us and then movie for us two after, I don’t know. I told him that I planned a movie after she sleeps. And he said that they haven’t been spending time alone together, without me. And he had been spending time alone with me more than her. He was angry, said I was making him crazy, that I was bringing in the drama all the time (by me getting a bit upset in tone or whatever, something that I thought I’ve improved on). Said she starts school soon and that I said okay to them spending time together.

 

I said they could. I told him that if he wanted to, he could ask me “I want to spend time alone with her to LA” and I’d be fine. He said that was rude and he couldn’t ask that. He said he asked me if he could spend time alone with her next week, expecting me to move back to the apartment. I did not remember him saying “next week” or something but even so, how can I interpret that as going back home for them? He said he did ask. He is forgetful sometimes but maybe, yeah, but even so, I wish his conversation was more direct. I’m not the type to get upset if I was asked that. I’m laid back and respectful enough. I even told him this.

 

But the most main point of that argument was that he kept cutting me off, wouldn’t listen to me, kept yelling, even slammed the door and all. I have to say that I did get a bit scared. He has a heart of gold, just troubled a lot by a lot of issues. I mean, when I showered the next morning, my shampoo fell and I jumped, thinking he was banging on the door but it was only the shampoo. I am frightened. I don’t feel like a priority nor loved. Nor respected. And I keep seeing this relationship turning out abusive if it goes on like this or maybe I’m just worrying too much because my parents did the same (my father more), and they did yell and their arguments were very destructive. I at least try to be communicative instead. I talk. He screams. I feel at loss.

 

I don’t know how to fix this. My mind keeps saying this relationship is the end, played itself out, its purpose done. I say that because I’ve grown a lot to a more mature, grounded, confident, more trying person that before. He did that to me. I’ve became a better person. I have more faith in life more. I am less scared of life now. But his temper frightens me.

 

And I kinda feel like I did ask him two or three times about going back to the apartment for my space (which he could grab opportunity to spend time with her) but he always made me to stay.

 

Or maybe it’s me? Am I being selfish? Am I being dramatic? I don’t know. I think there is a lot of miscommunication but I don't feel he sees it as that. But I don't know.

 

I really don't like posting my relationship in public like this but I need help. Respectful help. Please.

[hexaemeron]

Basically, you didn't sign up for a relationship with someone who had children, and now you're in a relationship with someone for all intents and purposes who has a child. This is something I can speak to 100% directly. I also had a very rocky childhood with a dad who did not play within the bounds of law. I have my issues with anger as well, but I was able to make something of myself using that anger. Now, I have a sister who is 9 years my junior. (I am 32) -- It was always my intention to step in to be the parent(s) she never had, because of other things going on within my family. I wanted her to have a life better than the one I was born into.

 

He wants to give her every opportunity to be a happy, healthy, functional human being, because he knows what it's like when a parent or both visit their issues on their children. I understand why you're saying what you're saying, but this is really very simple. His priority WILL be her before you, simply because of what I mentioned above. There is no way that their shared history and his desire to protect her from the experiences he had growing up won't absolutely trump anything you bring to the table.

 

You are jealous of her, and it's wrong. But, given the circumstances (and man, I never thought I'd say this!), I understand 100% why you're jealous. You walked in with the expectation that he was single and childless, so you'd be the sole focus of his attentions. Now you do have to share, and you don't like that, because it's not what you signed up for. I get that.

 

But if you make an issue out of this, and eventually guilt him or try to manipulate him into giving you what you want, you'll be the one left out in the cold here because he will absolutely choose her over you if you force him having to choose. They're blood family. Girlfriends can be replaced. Family cannot.

 

The question for you is whether or not you love him enough and find enough value in the relationship to adjust your own expectations to find the situation viable for you. And if you can't, there's no shame in that. Like I said, this isn't what you signed up for. If you just can't be happy with this dynamic, you can leave it and find someone whose attention isn't so (rightfully and properly) split.

 

I hope this helps.