Emotional affair / Twin Flame

[veronicax]

Thanks for the reply LynnA. I do not openly tell him I love him because I actually have a block with this. He has tried at times to get me explain my feelings more but it is not the easiest for me. We do talk about being twins/insanely similar all the time. He himself has said that I am just like him but with boobs, hahaha Yesterday I did ask him if he knows other people like us (me and him) and he gave the simple answer of No. I was happy that he recognizes our unbelievable similarities and our unique bond.. .I am still working on the I love you conversation but I have major issue with that and I am not exactly sure why. I have just alway been like this. He does know that I have issue with this however and he knows I prefer to assume someone knows how I feel and he has said he is good at assuming so thats as close as it gets....haha

[veronicax]

Oh and LynnA, what happened in your situation?

[LynnA]

Mine ended badly. We don't even speak anymore. Had the same type of connection. He said the same stuff to me about being the female version of him. In the end that was not helpful to us being together. Look, I don't want to tell you what to do here. But you asked if you should wait for him. I would say don't do that. He more than likely won't leave her. Mine was seperated and went back to her after being miserable for over 20 years in the marriage. I hung around to see if he would leave again but he chose to stay even though he was miserable. He is still with her and I doubt he would leave her again.

 

They just don't tend to leave for some reason. I don't know why, its weird. The thing is, if you wait and he doesn't leave in the alloted time that you waited, then what happens? You walk at that point and all is well? Probably not because now you emotionally invested more in him. You will resent him for letting you down. The best chance you have is to let him be, live your life and if he wants you for real, when he is free to do so, he will come and find you.

 

The other part of it is if you are his airbag and place for him to land from the fallout of the demise of the marriage, all you will end up doing is trying to help him clean up his mess. That will probably ruin the relationship from the start. Let him do what he needs to do, stay away from him while he fixes his stuff and see if he comes to you freely. He could end up resenting you at some point for he may begin to feel that you caused his marrigae to end and now you can't help him feel better about it.

 

Whether or not he should leave it or its unhappy or whatever. It is still the dissolution of a relationship which for whatever reason it ends, can be messy. You DO NOT want to be the one he relys on to fix that messiness. Because if he does and you can't help him in the exact way he needs, you become a problem to him and he will leave you.

 

Remember what you are to him right now: An escape from what he may find uncomfortable. The minute you are no longer the escape, things will change between the two of you.

 

If you love him and he loves you, let him do his own thing and you go do yours. Maybe keep in very light contact, like once a month, just a friendly check in, but stop the deep texting conection for a while. It might even motivate him to make a move in your direction. If he doesn't and backs off, then you have your answer from that as well. It wasn't as important to him as he or you once thought.

 

I feel for you, its hard and painful to love someone that is taken. You have to protect yourself because this kind of relationship causes a very deep type of pain sometimes. Sort of like unrequited love. Its hits you pretty hard because you lost something you never really had in the first place. And thats a tough pill to swallow.

 

Good luck and consider your feelings and your future before his. I can guarantee you, no matter what he tells you, he is thinking of himself first most of the time. Be very careful and protect your heart.

 

Remember this thought: Its not your job to fix him, its your job to leave.

[Moontiger]

 

The other part of it is if you are his airbag and place for him to land from the fallout of the demise of the marriage, all you will end up doing is trying to help him clean up his mess. That will probably ruin the relationship from the start. Let him do what he needs to do, stay away from him while he fixes his stuff and see if he comes to you freely. He could end up resenting you at some point for he may begin to feel that you caused his marrigae to end and now you can't help him feel better about it.

 

 

This part here stuck out to me. I saw an interview with a woman who was a former mistress, she had written a book for woman who found themselves in a similar situation as her. In this interview she said something like, "He would tell me things like, you make me a better husband and father. And I would actually be happy about that. Think about how much I was helping this man that I thought I loved." More often then not a man who is having an affair becomes more affectionate with his wife because part of him feels guilt. I wish I could remember her name or the books title but it was a while ago that I saw this. For the person cheating it pushes them back into their marriage not away.

[veronicax]

I understand what you are saying but every situation is different. The main thing I disagree with is that you think things will change if I am not available. There was a short period when I distanced my self, he was confident and said do what you need to do and after I had my time to clear my head I contacted him he had zero hard feelings and went on talking to me like I had only left to go to the bathroom

[veronicax]

I actually totally disagree with the fact that the husband is more affectionate due to guilt!! From what I heard it is actually the opposite espeically when the man is involved in an emotional affair. One of the biggest signs someone is having an affair is that they are NOT as interested in being intimate with the main partner. I know in my case my MM has even self pleasured before and passed up sex with the wife due to his involvement with me.

[Moontiger]

The 13 Steps and traditions of the Mistresses Anonymous Program.

 

 

 

1. You admit you have a problem - That your life is out of control due to living as a mistress in despair of her affair.

2. Fully commit to reclaiming your life from this skid row of relationships, from this toxic love and from the toxic married man.

3. Set goals to stop all communication with your MM (married man) and throw away everything that reminds you of him.

4. Make a list of all the things you have given up to be with your MM during the affair

5. Make inventory of all the lies he has told you and the empty promises he has made to you

6. Make a list of all the family and friends you have lied to and come clean to them.

7. Attend MA meetings and find a sponsor to keep you strong

8. Actively monitor your goals. Empower yourself. Work hard to regain your personal power, self-respect and self-esteem.

9. Practice being single. Go on a date a week with a single guy

10. Fully commit to NEVER allowing yourself to being second best again!

11. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in misery

12. Actively follow the 12 steps and share the MA message with others

13. Enjoy a nice cold glass of #13 (aka Chardonnay) you deserve it.

 

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[gingerlemon]

Veronica, when you read the other threads here in the infidelity forum, don't you see how much damage and despair affairs bring to a marriage? Do you want to be a part of that?