ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I'm a man of confidence, faith and self belief. I like you have lost my ex however, I know I can have her back. I have ZERO doubt I can do this. Why am I so sure? Because I'm not moping around...I'm not obsessed with her...I actually don't even know if I really want her at this present moment in time. I have patience and perspective. I know I love her, more than I could possibly say, however I've finally got to the point where this opportunity has to be taken in my life to live for me. I'm embracing the opportunity. My ex is no longer on the pedestal. I am. My ex has given me the opportunity to initiate some great changes in my life and focus on the goals i had prior to our relationship, as well as new ones. Already this should set some alarm bells off with you. This is a natural desire from me and it's NOT a pretence. This is like the me I was when she fell for me....do you think girls LIKE her wouldn't be attracted to me now? Or dare I say on this forum...even her??? I go to work, earn money..go out and have fun. I'm developing with interests that I have outside of my relationship life and filling the void that she left. I don't have any recolection of actually begging...but I have told her how I feel on numerous occassions and I have also been an arse when i've felt like she had been taking the p*ss! I have also 2 really cringeworthy moments of self pity. I have been damn right annoying! BUT...I've forgiven myself. I don't need her forgiveness for my post break up behaviour. We forget that our ex knows that we love and want them...trust me...it may not be attractive....but it's not going to make them hate you. Maybe just make them very resistant to you. So you know you're getting nowhere right?? USE THE OPPORTUNITY! The relationship you had wasn't great towards the end...if you don't believe that then it shows a great amount of disassotiation between you and the person you were with. Obviously they didn't think it was great..that's why they ended it. FACT. Nobody dumps someone when everything is going great! So you're hurt...everybody hurt's...go listen to R.E.M. Trust me my friend, you WILL get better. I think those who tell you to go out and find someone new...there are plenty of fish in the sea...go NC for life and heal! I think it's TERRIBLE advice...why? Because there's no synergy between your head and your heart. These people are not mean...but they are appealing to your head...this will only cause you pain when you follow it because your heart is NOT friendly with your head. Makes sense? Only advice that inspires faith and positivity will have a positive influence on your actions. My first piece of advice re NC. NC is not going to get your ex back nor is it going to help you heal any time soon. It's actually quite an evil little term and I hate the sight of it on this forum! Basically because I don't believe that many people really understand it and the true power of it. Here's what I mean: If you want to have a full view of say New York city and gain perspective, you don't stand in Times Square right? I mean that'd be crazy...you'll be surrounded by buildings and you'll only really see what's in front of you. To really view the city and gain a perspective, you're going to have to get to higher ground and back up a bit. Slowly, everything becomes clearer..your perspective comes alive. It's the same with your BU. By backing up and going NC for a few weeks and ACCEPTING your situation...you allow yourself to leave Times Square, get to higher ground and gain some perspective on your relationship. If you BELIEVE you can get your ex back then great...this belief and if you have the perspective and patience to do it...you will have every chance. The bonus: The pain is not so bad anymore because when you are at this point. You're no longer feeling helpless and depressed. You are feeling strong and confident, realising you won't die without your ex. Maybe even thinking...this relationship is not for me anymore and I think it was right to end. Who knows. You just have to get there first. Trying to go to war with a broken leg pretty much guarantees your funeral. You have to get better first before you can go out and fight! Get better first before you make any dicisions re your ex situation. Just know that YOU can get your ex back. It is possible but first...get you back and then re-asses at that point. Once your mindset is right...the rest is so easy! Link to comment
twistedfate Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Excellent post. I too have just come to this place in my healing process. I never thought I would, and it will be 2 mos on Sunday since my ex left me. I never thought I'd wake up and feel happy and OK without him-- I'm starting to realize now that life DOES go on! Sure, am I open to the idea of possibly reconciling? If he were to make some big changes and be willing to restore my faith and trust, of course! But am I waiting for the phone call, or email or text? Nope. It's been nearly 3 weeks since I last heard from him and I sometimes forget it's been that long... because I'm focused on finishing my degree, getting into my new career and enjoying the new sports car I just bought. Positive thoughts breed positivity in our lives. If you sit around and mope in bed all day, sure, everyday will feel like another drag. But it's summer... so get out and soak up sunshine, do something nice for a stranger, strike up conversation with someone in line at the coffee shop. Compliment someone. Anyone. Do something NEW. Smile! But don't do all these things because you think they'll bring your ex back-- do them because you're genuinely HAPPY to do so!! I've found that meditation and taking some quiet time in the morning before work and at night before bed has really helped me regain my focus. I don't CARE anymore to try and find out if my ex is on the rebound still. I don't care if he writes me tonight, tomorrow. When it's time, and the universe wants to bring us back together as friends or lovers, it will happen. I'm in touch with ME now. It took nearly two months to get here. And I'm not saying I don't have moments where I cry a little. I still love my ex dearly. I want him to get help with his "life crisis" and depression that he's battling. I'd be by his side in a heartbeat if he was in trouble. I'd maybe consider rekindling if this rebound was out of his life and he decided he was in fact ready to settle down. But all of those "what ifs" have to go away. I'm happy if he's happy-- and I'm going to be happy no matter what happens!! It's a long process, and you can't MAKE yourself get there. I literally woke up one day and just felt it. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Wonderful post! I love where you are right now. It will be very inspiring to a lot of people who are in the initial stages! i think if I were in the USA I'd ask you out on a date haha! Link to comment
Eocsor Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 If you BELIEVE you can get your ex back then great...this belief and if you have the perspective and patience to do it...you will have every chance. I think it's great that you think positively, but this a lot of hooey. Not everyones ex will want to give things a second chance. Every situation is unique and there is no method that is garunteed to bring them back. You can be the most postive, upbeat person in the world and it may not make a difference. No contact isn't to get your ex back, it's to help you heal from a bad breakup. And healing from any breakup isn't a quick fix, it takles time. But if you remove the source of your pain you stand a much better chance of getting better. If you want to try and reconcile with an ex, well pick your poison. You can try every method in the book but unless they have a strong desire to reconcile with you, it won't make a difference. Thats the rub, no matter what you do, unless they still have feelings of love and desire to be with you, you're history. It's not your descision, it's theirs. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I think it's great that you think positively, but this a lot of hooey ... Every situation is unique and there is no method that is garunteed to bring them back. Eocsor, I think you actually agree with the OP, except the OP is possibly a little more optimistic about the chances of reconciling (IF the dumpee is also optimistic). The OP says that NC enables the dumpee to gain perspective, and with perspective the dumpee might feel that reconciliation isn't for him/her. With perspective the dumpee will better understand what went wrong in his/her unique relationship to give him/her "every chance" (i.e. the best chance -- no guarantee) to reconcile with ex if that is what he/she decides to try. I endorse the positive, yet realistic sentiments expressed by the OP. DD Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 You my friend, miss the point! Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Eocsor, I think you actually agree with the OP, except the OP is possibly a little more optimistic about the chances of reconciling (IF the dumpee is also optimistic). The OP says that NC enables the dumpee to gain perspective, and with perspective the dumpee might feel that reconciliation isn't for him/her. With perspective the dumpee will better understand what went wrong in his/her unique relationship to give him/her "every chance" (i.e. the best chance -- no guarantee) to reconcile with ex if that is what he/she decides to try. I endorse the positive, yet realistic sentiments expressed by the OP. DD Yeah DD...that's pretty much it! The only other point I was making was that acting/thinking with faith soothes the pain too! Link to comment
madine Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I'm a man of confidence, faith and self belief. I like you have lost my ex however, I know I can have her back. I have ZERO doubt I can do this. Use of the Imperius Curse will land you in Azkaban. Even a Muggle like me knows that. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 NGU --- fantastic post --- you have nailed the dismount!!!!! Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Use of the Imperius Curse will land you in Azkaban. Even a Muggle like me knows that. Love your line but unfortunately your quote was taken out of context! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yeah DD...that's pretty much it! The only other point I was making was that acting/thinking with faith soothes the pain too! Yep, for sure. I can vouch for that in my experience. We've also agreed with each other on another thread re forgiveness. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your ex for the pain and forgive yourself for your contributions to the break-up, then you are well on the way to healing -- with or without reconciliation. Indeed reconciliation DEMANDS forgiveness. Link to comment
Hubble Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 This is a really great post, I feel like I am in a similar place - back and getting perspective. I have realized a lot of faults, both mine and my x, as to why the relationship failed. I also have been finding the 'me' I was before and in the early stages of the relationship. Better yet I've IMPROVED the 'me' from before, and I love it! In addition I now see that in order to really commit to a relationship, you have to be committed to yourself first. I was failing myself, therefore no relationship had a chance in hell, no matter how much I love my x. Most importantly though, after identifying my faults, I have forgiven myself, and am now working on ensuring that I don't end up in that position again. Sure it's hard work, and there are days when I just don't want to try, but nobody ever got where they wanted in life without putting forth a little effort! Also, with my newly gained perspective, I have a greater love for my x, but I also feel worse about myself for how I treated her. I am working on forgiving myself for this, but it will take me some time. With all that being said, I feel in control of my situation, and when I do contact my x I know it will be for the right reasons and that only a healthy relationship, be it friendship or more, will come from it. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yep, for sure. I can vouch for that in my experience. We've also agreed with each other on another thread re forgiveness. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your ex for the pain and forgive yourself for your contributions to the break-up, then you are well on the way to healing -- with or without reconciliation. Indeed reconciliation DEMANDS forgiveness. Again DD...you hit it on the head! I'm very much a fan of your way of thinking! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Hubble, good work. The best way to heal and move on is with love and forgiveness in your heart. Most religious and spiritual traditions will tell you the same thing. Pretending to hate your ex for the purposes of forgetting is unhealthy and soul-destroying. DD Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I agree in principle, but you need to listen to much harder rock than R.E.M. That might turn you back into a whining crybaby. AC/DC is always your baseline. This beats the hell out of "Everybody Hurts": 'Cause I'm back on the track, And I'm leadin' the pack. Nobody's gonna get me on another rap. So look at me now, I'm just makin' my play. Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way. 'Cause I'm back ... Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Hubble thanks for sharing that and I'm glad you like the post. I'm also glad about you having your new found perspective. Love, understanding and forgiveness is such a stronger and healthier feeling than any pain that you may face (speaking generally). Good luck with all man! Link to comment
dabbledave Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Again DD...you hit it on the head! I'm very much a fan of your way of thinking! I had a eureka moment a couple of weeks ago when I hit rock bottom. Since then I have felt SO MUCH BETTER. I'm back! It's like I've found religion or something! I'm not and never have been religious. It's a universal truth, or something. DD Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 I had a eureka moment a couple of weeks ago when I hit rock bottom. Since then I have felt SO MUCH BETTER. I'm back! It's like I've found religion or something! I'm not and never have been religious. It's a universal truth, or something. DD That's exactly the principle! I'm kind of relieved that other people are experiencing the same. Now my post doesn't just reflect one guys journey...but the journey of many strangers faced with the same pain! It's funny how our reply to hubble was pretty identical and I had not read your response to him! To everyone else: It's OK to want your ex back and it CAN happen. It's OK to move on. It's OK to hurt...but with love, forgiveness (includes forgiving yourself), perspective and a little patience, you can elevate your emotional level so easily. If you don't believe it...just try it! Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 I agree in principle, but you need to listen to much harder rock than R.E.M. That might turn you back into a whining crybaby. AC/DC is always your baseline. This beats the hell out of "Everybody Hurts": 'Cause I'm back on the track, And I'm leadin' the pack. Nobody's gonna get me on another rap. So look at me now, I'm just makin' my play. Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way. 'Cause I'm back ... Haha..not to be overlooked!! Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 That's exactly the principle! I'm kind of relieved that other people are experiencing the same. Now my post doesn't just reflect one guys journey...but the journey of many strangers faced with the same pain! It's funny how our reply to hubble was pretty identical and I had not read your response to him! To everyone else: It's OK to want your ex back and it CAN happen. It's OK to move on. It's OK to hurt...but with love, forgiveness (includes forgiving yourself), perspective and a little patience, you can elevate your emotional level so easily. If you don't believe it...just try it! So true --- instead of thinking NC (which I think has a negative connotation), think LGWL (letting go with love) --- it puts your head and heart in a much better place. Sort of like trusting that the universe will bring positive change into your life if you move forward with positive intentions instead of holding on to the past and the hurt. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 So true --- instead of thinking NC (which I think has a negative connotation), think LGWL (letting go with love) --- it puts your head and heart in a much better place. Sort of like trusting that the universe will bring positive change into your life if you move forward with positive intentions instead of holding on to the past and the hurt. Hey mhowe, You may have seen me grumbling about about NC on other posts. Couldn't agree with you more! and loving LGWL...literally!! I'm also going to say that we are (all of you), with this mindset, the people with the perhaps the best chance of reconcilliation...IF we want it. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yes we are, and by we, I get to say, ME....am in reconcilation now and was told by ex who came back that part of the reason he felt he could make the attempt was my positive attitude (and the space) during our time apart. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Yes we are, and by we, I get to say, ME....am in reconcilation now and was told by ex who came back that part of the reason he felt he could make the attempt was my positive attitude (and the space) during our time apart. Well congratulations and I have to say that this thread is now breaking some serious barriers with real life proof. I think I've been guilty of sounding quite arrogant in previous posts...simply because I felt I understood my theory...however, I've learnt to refine my message delivery! This is exactly it...mhowe has the mindset...mhowe is now where the hardcore NC'ers want to be. mhowe, I don't think I need to wish you luck because you've now made your own luck. However, I will say thank you for being another positive memeber of this thread! Let's find some more! Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I don't think your posts have sounded arrogant --- and I am always amazed at how much many posters on here theorize on how things could be different or better, and actually come up with strategies for future relationships. As I moved through the days (and daze) of the BU, someone asked if I would be able to trust ex in the future, and I remember thinking; I don't want to live in a world where I can't believe in the strength and power of love. I want to live in a world where I can trust that my actions, as well as those of someone I'm with, are based on the best alternatives open to each of us at the time --- and that those actions will allow us to move forward to a better place. Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 "As I moved through the days (and daze)" love this! As for the rest...sounds like the perfect facebook status update!! Soooo true!!! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.