The mindset of getting back together

[twistedfate]

Wonderful post! I love where you are right now. It will be very inspiring to a lot of people who are in the initial stages! i think if I were in the USA I'd ask you out on a date haha!

 

Haha! Well thank you, that is very flattering.

 

I really didn't expect to be at this point right now-- but something just clicked with me. I'm surely not out of the woods yet, and I'm sure I'll have those rough days and moments, but I'm trying to keep as strong as I can!

 

Hopefully everything works out for the best for ALL of us ENA'ers.

[twistedfate]

I don't think that NG was saying that thinking positive will DEFINITELY bring your ex back. Certainly, anyone who believes that probably also believes that those "gimmick" guides are a sure-fire thing as well. It's just not really that way. An ex definitely has to want to come back on their own. Whether someone takes that ex back or not is up to them, of course... it's all very situational.

 

I think the thing with exes is that everyone is different in how they think about them. Some people are very clear that they WON'T take exes back. Some people give second chances. Some look at things based on situations. There are some very powerful opinions on ENA and I don't think anyone expects their opinion to be the law on these things. When it comes down to it, people will handle BU's in their own way. Some will hold on far too long... some will believe in the gimmick guides, some will use NC for the wrong reasons, etc. We all have to do this on our own because only we know ourselves. However, it's nice to come and get advice to get different opinions and see different perspectives.

 

Sometimes reconciliations happen. Many times, they don't because the two parties aren't willing to work through things. There's always so many different possibilities.

 

Everyone just stay strong. Heal yourself, and whatever happens will just happen!!

[twistedfate]

Well congratulations and I have to say that this thread is now breaking some serious barriers with real life proof.

 

I think I've been guilty of sounding quite arrogant in previous posts...simply because I felt I understood my theory...however, I've learnt to refine my message delivery! This is exactly it...mhowe has the mindset...mhowe is now where the hardcore NC'ers want to be.

 

mhowe, I don't think I need to wish you luck because you've now made your own luck. However, I will say thank you for being another positive memeber of this thread! Let's find some more!

 

If anyone wants to hear another inspirational tale, check out some of ScotGuy's posts. After reading some of his posts, I realized I can't let this situation get me down any longer. It wasn't but a few days later that everything started clicking. I had a HORRIBLE sad day on Saturday of last weekend, and Sunday woke up with an odd amount of clarity. He is also in reconciliation and his strength and determination not to rush things is truly amazing.

[Coconut Twin]

Great post! I am where you are at. I am moving on suprisingly well and fast. It not being a bad break up may have something to do with that. I love him as a person but my mindset right now doesn't love him enough to really want him back. I've definitely gained a lot of perspective from this and kinda thankful he broke up with me now as I'm realising how amazing I am. Finding things to be grateful for post break up helped a lot.

 

He contacted me again just saying he wants to stay in touch to see how I am doing which was nice, not sure I want to do the friends thing just yet though. But yea this break has given me huge self realisation and I've never felt happier, great feeling of well being which I haven't felt for a while.

 

Only good can come from a break up if you do the right thing - agree with the break up and concentrate on yourself.

[tresqua]

I'm a man of confidence, faith and self belief. I like you have lost my ex however, I know I can have her back. I have ZERO doubt I can do this. Why am I so sure? Because I'm not moping around...I'm not obsessed with her...I actually don't even know if I really want her at this present moment in time. I have patience and perspective. I know I love her, more than I could possibly say

 

ngu,

 

You are 100% sure that you can get your ex back, because, as per your quote, you are "confident", and you are "not moping around", and you are "not obsessed with her" and you are "patient and confident and you have perspective", and you love her more than you can possibly say".

 

While that's all very well and good, your ex dumped you because she's not into you anymore, and quite possibly she's into someone else. From a reconciliation point of few, none of those things you listed makes ANY difference whatsoever, because your ex is not some sort of inanimate object that can be obtained with the right attitude, it's about what SHE wants, and that's not you. This false believe that you seem to have is contrary to all the other things you say about how strong you are and how much perspective you now have, thanks to her giving you the opportunity.

 

Before those things can really help, you need to accept the fact that your certainty about getting her back is nothing more than plain ole' human denial, which is a normal part of the grieving process.

[Coconut Twin]

I agree. Moving on doesn't include getting the ex back, really unhealthy in my personal opinion. When I set out to move on, I decided that I would do everything in my power to work on me and whether he contacts me again or not should be totally irrelevant when trying to move on and heal. A person is still hung.up on an ex if.they keep talking about the possibility (very slim as it is) of them coming back.

[dabbledave]

From a reconciliation point of few, none of those things you listed makes ANY difference whatsoever

 

I think confidence, faith et cetera will make a difference, because it increases attractiveness (unless of course the dumpee did something heinous).

 

However, the point about Ngu's post, I think, is NOT that there is any sure-fire guarantee about getting one's ex back. The point about Ngu's post, I think, is that confidence and optimism is the best possible mindset to have in the wake of a painful break-up.

 

Once some perspective is obtained after a suitable period of NC, the (perhaps blind) optimism about getting an ex back will be replaced by more general optimism as well as a more realistic view of the broken relationship and prospects for reconciliation.

 

Nothing wrong with holding a flicker of hope in the emotional wash of a break-up. It's what you do with that flicker of hope i.e. avoid desperate post-BU behaviour, that is important.

 

DD

[tresqua]

A person is still hung.up on an ex if.they keep talking about the possibility (very slim as it is) of them coming back.

 

Right. And when he goes even further to the point that he believes that he get the ex back with 100% certainty he's just not being honest with himself, and what he's done here in a metaphoric sort of way is build himself a little protective house of cards which is providing some protectoin from the early rain and prevailing winds but it will soon collapse in the face of the rapidly approaching cyclone.

[scotsguy]

If anyone wants to hear another inspirational tale, check out some of ScotGuy's posts. After reading some of his posts, I realized I can't let this situation get me down any longer. It wasn't but a few days later that everything started clicking. I had a HORRIBLE sad day on Saturday of last weekend, and Sunday woke up with an odd amount of clarity. He is also in reconciliation and his strength and determination not to rush things is truly amazing.

 

Thank you I'm really happy that someone gets something out of my ramblings!

 

I think that there is very little you can do to "attract" an ex back. I sure didn't do anything special. They're either gonna want to try again or not, that's mostly independent of you. What possibly does make a difference is what they find when they come back: do they find a confident person, full of life and having a good time, or rather a miserable person who has been moping around feeling sorry for themselves? I suppose that is where a positive attitude and confidence can really make a difference.

 

But - I would really not recommend waiting for and expecting an ex to come back. That's a dangerous game and you risk lining yourself up for a load more hurt. Do what you need to do in order to heal and things WILL work out for the best. Whatever the best is. For some people that does mean NC. But I certainly don't think it's a catch-all solution.

[chadjohnson]

yep. its simple. living well is the best revenge. its a chance for a new life!!!!!!!!!!!

[ngu11]

Hey Tresqua,

 

I was wondering when you were going to pop your opinion on this thread.

 

Firstly, it's people like you who are contributing to a lot of negative action and despair for a lot of the newly dumped. Have a little heart. It's probably your version of tough love but it's just not regarded generally as constructive, especially from me.

 

Secondly, I've never mentioned WHY my ex left so you can't possibly be so sure as to her reasoning or what she is or isn't doing. From the beginning I chose not to talk about it. It's actually not that bad but I just chose to not talk about it. MY choice.

 

Thirdly, in your bitter and opinionated views (they are welcome) you CLEARLY missed the point. However, I wouldn't expect you to see more than one dimension. Say what you see right?

 

The point to this is...I really have no concern about whether she "comes back" or not. All this post is about is a method of transfering the seemingly uncontrolable negative energy to a controlled positive energy. It's also perfectly acceptable to believe that you can have your ex back too! It happens!

 

For the record, I'm WELL aware that my life doesn't end without my ex. I'm WELL aware that another female might just be interested in me and maybe.... me in her! Always have been, always will be.

 

I choose to move on with love and faith. I choose to spread that to others as I believe positivity breeds positivity.

 

For you Tresqua, I also choose to move on with love however, I do think we should enter a period of NC! There's someone else!

[ngu11]

Really great post notahopeinhell. Thanks for sharing your point of view! - I guess that your forum id has a completely different definition today!

[tresqua]

Firstly, it's people like you who are contributing to a lot of negative action and despair for a lot of the newly dumped. Have a little heart. It's probably your version of tough love but it's just not regarded generally as constructive, especially from me.

 

I agree there's a period of time, early in the grieving process, during the shock and denial period when a person needs to cling onto some sort of hope even if there's little to no chance of getting back with the person. But eventually, that has to end and the person needs to move through the acceptance stage of grief. For some, it takes days, others, weeks or months, and some are posting as much as 10 years later that they never got over their ex and they are STILL wallowing in misery! I've seen in here and on other boards and it's just so sad. The sooner you accept the situation and start developing a strategy to move on, the better you're going to be in the long run.

 

Secondly, I've never mentioned WHY my ex left so you can't possibly be so sure as to her reasoning or what she is or isn't doing.

 

That's true. There could be many other reasons that an ex may dump their partner other than not being into them. My apologies. That much being said, the reason she dumped you is really irrelevant to this particular subdiscussion which is my statement that your belief that you can get your ex back with 100% certainty is nothing more than an unhealthy delusion.

 

Thirdly, in your bitter and opinionated views (they are welcome) you CLEARLY missed the point. However, I wouldn't expect you to see more than one dimension. Say what you see right?

 

I don't feel that my views are bitter, although by their very nature they ARE opinionated. As are everyone elses. Don't confuse logic, reason and skepticism with pessimism, it's a common mistake. All that stuff about "seeing in more than one dimension" and "saying what I see"? I call it like I see it based on my own life experiences and what I have read about the experiences of others. Nothing to say I'm any more right than you or anyone else.

 

The point to this is...I really have no concern about whether she "comes back" or not. All this post is about is a method of transfering the seemingly uncontrolable negative energy to a controlled positive energy. It's also perfectly acceptable to believe that you can have your ex back too! It happens!

 

While reconciliations do happen, it's rare, and most of the time they do not last. Again I'm just being realistic here. And I don't understand how taking the attitude that you are so sure you can get your ex back anytime is "transferring uncontrollable negative energy to controlled positive energy". I see it as turning grief and pain into false hopes by lying to yourself.

[ngu11]

Fare enough! I'd simply like to get accross to you that I'm not deluded... I just really don't think it's impossible for me to get my ex back...only because I've reached a place of understanding and perspective. This allows me to view the situation after the dust has settled. When i give these bold statements...I'm merely saying I can go to the moon if I really wanted. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of dedication though and it certainly isn't going to be easy. Maybe, I'll realise that I just don't want to go to the moon as i'd have to give up too much.

 

my everyday balanced view of my personal situation though is very different. It takes 2 to pull in the same direction to make a healthy and successful reconciliation. I've experienced it failing...and also working for a long period of time. I just use the confident approach to detach and re-organise personally and internally. I'm not the type who believes my ex is confused...I believe she knows what she wants without a shadow of a doubt. Right now...it's definitely not me ha....I accept her decision...always have.

I think if people can't be ok with their own break up...and want to try and get back...then i believe that if they have the mindset and perspective...it's not impossible. By the time they have that right mindset...it's so much easier to let go and move on to something that's more in line with the complete you...if say the ex didn't come back. I guarantee that anyone who BELIEVES they will get their ex back...won't suffer the same pain as the one who is hiding in their home listening to heartbreak FM all day. Nor will they do the stupid acts that drive them further away from their goal. it's kind of like...the dumper's situation...after being chased...they know that they can have their recent dumpee back in a flash...what do they do? Run back? Probably slim to nil. What about the dumpee who is cool...calm and collected...pleasant to them and moves on...is the dumper so confident that they can have them back in a flash? I'm sure you'll see the logic there. My approach is taking the dumper psychology and using it as the dumpee! Removing that normal sense of power and control that 9 times out 10 they have....and using it emotionally to find yourself and make decisions based on reality and not desperation!

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to clear up your post. Sincerely appreciated!

[Coconut Twin]

Really great post notahopeinhell. Thanks for sharing your point of view! - I guess that your forum id has a completely different definition today!

 

Oh thanks for pointing that out! Alias was a little on the sarcastic side though, hope I can actually change it... Oh and my signature....

[ngu11]

Oh thanks for pointing that out! Alias was a little on the sarcastic side though, hope I can actually change it... Oh and my signature....

 

Haha...you can request a change from the moderators...you get just one change I think...choooooose wisely

[tresqua]

What about the dumpee who is cool...calm and collected...pleasant to them and moves on...is the dumper so confident that they can have them back in a flash? I'm sure you'll see the logic there. My approach is taking the dumper psychology and using it as the dumpee! Removing that normal sense of power and control that 9 times out 10 they have....and using it emotionally to find yourself and make decisions based on reality and not desperation!

 

It seems we're reached a common ground on your other points, so let me tackle this one here.

 

You say that, as the dumpee, being calm and collected and confident will remove the sense of power that the dumper has. I'm going to suggest that although quite often the dumper does have the ability to change their mind and turn things around, most of the time they're not even considering that, if they're even aware that they can just snap their fingers and the dumpee will be right there (flowers and lots of promises in hand). Sure if the dumpee advertises their desperation by constantly contacting the dumper, they are very aware of it, but in that situation it's probably the LAST thing they'd want because they are so turned off by the actions of the dumpee. In a situation where the dumpee pulls it together and goes NC, yes they are technically removing some of the "power and control" that the dumper has been granted by the very nature of their decision to breakup, but so what? Most of the time that's irrelevant since the dumper ended the relationship simply because they weren't getting from it what they needed.

 

If you're looking at this power and control thing only from the viewpoint of the dumpee, and you're saying that the dumper has the power to affect the emotions and the very life of the dumpee to a huge extent, well you're absolutely correct right there. Dumpees have gone to pieces, lost their jobs, lost their minds and have gone as far as suicide or even murder in the aftermath of a breakup. That's why the best way for a dumpee to deal with the breakup is to shut the door behind them, go no contact so they can sort it all out and recognize that they've got their own lives to life, and noone has the right, or the power to define who they are as a person, and no one is worth that sort of grief and aggravation.

[ngu11]

I actually agree with pretty much everything you said...the only thing I'll add is that I'm talking about taking the power that the dumper has over you...to re-deploy that power to yourself...in essence you're no longer chasing...but becoming attractive again and i sincerely mean this: without worrying too much if you can have them back or not. All you can possibly hope for is to have the opportunity to attract them again...if they are no longer interested in your best self...time to meet someone (& there are many someone's) who is more in line with you...it's now easier to accept and move on fully...because your ex no longer has that power over you. You have it!

[tresqua]

I actually agree with pretty much everything you said...the only thing I'll add is that I'm talking about taking the power that the dumper has over you...to re-deloy that power to yourself...in essence you're no longer chasing...but becoming attractive again and i sincerely mean this: without worrying too much if you can have them back or not. All you can possibly hope for is to have the opportunity to attract them again...if they are no longer interested in your best self...time to meet someone who is more in line with you...it's now easier to accept and move on fully...because your ex no longer has that power over you. You have it!

 

You're spot on right there dude.

[CMS]

exactly dudes, its not about them, what they are thinking or how they see you anymore, its all about you. They have this power over you because you let them, you yourself has allowed them to have the power. After the breakup, the focus should be entirely about getting yourself back and maybe, just maybe getting another shot at it sometime down the road. But hey, if that does not happen and you have already got yourself back, well then who cares, its their loss and others (there will be many others) who will find your confident happy self attractive.