PrettyGood Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 He knew me from last year but I gave him a chance to get to know me better only from last month. So we began very slowly but steadily - from being friends. Over the time we had noticed that we had too much similarities and I didn't know that he could be such an intelligent and interesting person. He attracted me so much that we made love. It means we became friends with benefits. And we enjoyed out physical connection. He repeated me that he had more girls, but none of them did what I do and he can't stop dreaming about me. We made love without any protection. I was counting days and then just stopped doing this, because everything happened too much spontaneously. Well I wasn't scared of responsibility "What if", he also. So he began telling me how much he's attracted emotionally to me. He said he loves me several times, but I tried not to hear it, because I thought that everything is happening too fast. I couldn't believe that one evening he just came to me and said: "I love you and I mean it. Seriously, I want you to hear it this time, not just listen what I say" and then he kissed me. In days he had fantasies about "what if we could be married". And finally one evening when I became too much attached, I became jealous because his ex returned to his life. He said that he didn't want to get back to her, but it's just like "being friends" because they had 8 years relationship in the past. He proposed her once and year later cancelled because they argued too much. So they broke. And now he's inviting her to his house to spend all day and late evening with him. When I write him, he say "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now, I have visitors at my house". Yesterday evening I went to talk to him honestly what's happening. He repeated again that he doesn't want to get back with her and said that I don't trust him, that it disappoints him and that he really want to keep friendly relationship with her. Well I wanted to cry, he said that I'm exaggerating everything, because I'm even not his girlfriend yet. So he wants to know me better and that I should remain the same person which he was attracted to. He said that there's possibility to make something serious out of our relations, but not now. He wants not to do mistake and to do everything slowly. He wants to make love with me and remain friends (even if it looks like more than friends) seeing my romantic and caring side. He say that I can't demand anything from him "to do/not to do" while I'm not his girlfriend. And if I'm unhappy about it, then I should not see him more, because he wants me to feel happy. Why does he want to pull away if I'm asking him to be more caring? Why he said he loves me and begged to believe him if now he doesn't want to be my boyfriend? Why does he choose her? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 It sounded like he wanted something serious until she came back in the picture now suddenly he doesn't want you. He shouldn't tell you that he loves you if he is entertaining his ex at his house. I wouldn't wait around for him, he wants to be with her. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 He's happy to take everything you've got to give, and give nothing in return. When you say he has other girls, I assume you mean that he's also seeing other people - as well as his ex? When he says he doesn't want to get back with her, is that in the same spirit that he doesn't want to call you his girlfriend, despite spending time with you and having sex with you? And do you really think you're the only girl he tells all that stuff about dreaming about you all the time? This guy's using you, and will continue to do so for as long as you let him. I nearly laughed when I read the bit about him being disappointed that you don't trust him, and that you should go back to being the person he was attracted to! A guy who really loved you would not be telling you not to make demands because you aren't his girlfriend yet; he'd realise that inviting his ex over for a long period of time may cause you to feel insecure, and he'd respect this - that's if he thought it was appropriate in the first place. If you've been having unprotected sex, you need to get a pregnancy test as soon as possible. And if, for some reason best known to yourself, you decide to let this douchebag use you again for sex - MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PRECAUTIONS!!! Don't worry about his reasons for doing things, or not doing things. Accept that he is treating you very, very badly and, as he says, if you are unhappy about it, you should not see him any more. Really, this is the one area where he's absolutely right. If you continue to be involved in any way with this guy, your self esteem is going to hit rock bottom. Link to comment
PrettyGood Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Well he's very very smart. He knows a lot of psychological tactics how to be the top priority for any woman. So when I run away - he doesn't chase, but look at me and asks "So, you really want to go and think that now I will stop you? If it's your choice then I honour it". That stops woman from running away. But now I think I will do something else - I will use NC method, and count it not by days, but by hours (talking about getting SMS messages from him), just to check how long can he pretend he doesn't care while I'm away. I will not write him anything. I know men are hunters. They are born to chase something which is not served on a silver plate. And his ex is trying so hard to get back to him. So she's too easy to get. I will be vice versus. I'm very curious how really I cared for him. Since then I changed his phone register and called him something like "Do not call him". I want to be better than his ex, even if I wouldn't win. I want to be the best for myself. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 He knows a lot of psychological tactics how to be the top priority for any woman. So when I run away - he doesn't chase, but look at me and asks "So, you really want to go and think that now I will stop you? If it's your choice then I honour it". That stops woman from running away. With respect, this is really mixed up thinking. I'm suggesting to you that many women would hear that he has 'more girls' and run so fast you wouldn't see them for dust. Many women would realise that not being your 'boyfriend' is the same as 'he's not that into me', and go and find themselves someone who is. When you say 'top priority for any woman' - from your post, this guy sounds: - manipulative - lying - calculating - emotionally unavailable - totally lacking in empathy I respectfully suggest that these are not qualities that most women seek out or consider desirable. You are right to go NC, but not to test how long he can pretend he doesn't care while you're away. Go NC to be the best for yourself, and have nothing to do with him. If you can, look at the qualities within yourself that keep you so attached to this guy - because until you've worked on this for yourself, you'll keep going back to playing the same game. If not with him, with someone else in the future. Stop caring about what he thinks about you. He's shown you very clearly what sort of person he is; is this really someone whose opinion you respect? Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 So he wants everything. In return he wants to give you absolutely nothing. He's dangling the potential of being his girlfriend in front of you like a reward, then telling you that you have no rights in your relationship without that status. Not only that, he's involved with an ex and is having unprotected sex with you. You're allowing this why again? Link to comment
PrettyGood Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Well it's not so easy to destroy all the connection with him. I have a lot of contracts written on his name and registered my post address (like official living place) on his house, because I'm foreigner in his country and no-one else wanted to take this responsibility. So I'm like commited to remain friends with him, because he's managing all this stuff for me required to stay abroad. I just cannot disappear, because it wouldn't be something for him, but it would be a lot of difficulties for me in this country. That's why I don't know how to behave. Can you give me any other advices how not to be manipulated but remain friendly only? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 Frankly, if you have this many issues around being able to stay in the country, immigration status, whatever - remaining friendly with him only is the least of your worries! Link to comment
PrettyGood Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Frankly, if you have this many issues around being able to stay in the country, immigration status, whatever - remaining friendly with him only is the least of your worries! So what should I do? My plan is: 1) To remain friends (at least to pretend I'm friendly when he's around, but not more) 2) Not to write him first (he needs to show attention). 3) To connect him only when I need to do some deals connected with my documents and staying abroad. 4) Not to make any more arguments with him about his ex and his girlfriend, because he already said that he is not my boyfriend. That means, that I don't need such man in my life and shouldn't worry for his problems. 5) When he's around and we meet accidentally to look my best and to pretend and try to be happy. To show that I'm ok with or without him. Did I forget something? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 You haven't said what your country of origin is, or which country you are in at the moment. You haven't said whether you are an illegal immigrant, whether you have a valid visa or anything. While you're dependent on him you are in a very vulnerable position, but there may be legitimate ways out of this situation. Link to comment
PrettyGood Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Well it doesn't matter anymore. Tonight he said the main reason. He wasn't over his ex and he tonight he went to her to get back together with her. I lost. Now hope I'm not pregnant, oh god, tomorrow the drugstore is not working, so I need to wait for monday. Pray for me, guys Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 My heart goes out to you. :sad: You didn't lose. In fact, you saved yourself from getting together with a manipulative and dishonest guy. Be glad you're not that girl. Link to comment
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