Taking Initiative Discussion

[Tryptophan]

You know how guys are almost always saying that they like girls that don't mind initiating contact, and not leaving all the work to them? Well I am one of those girls that likes having control of the situation and I actually dislike (or feel awkward) guys initiating any type of anything. I like to do things by my time/schedule, my rules, my style. I am very independent and I hate waiting for people to act when it is me that wants something. If I want to talk to someone, I will. If I want to hang out with someone, I'll ask them. This has always worked and no one has really expressed any negativity or anything because of it.

 

But here's the problem, if you're doing all the work (which I don't mind), initiating everything and they kind of get used to it, how do you know if they're interested? This came up with a talk with a couple of girls at work that they like to wait for the guy to "chase" them because that way it means they're "interested" because guys "by nature are hunters". I said that I prefer to initiate things because I just like to do things I want when I want, that's just the way I am. If I want to be with someone then why should I wait for them to act? I figure, if they don't want to be with me, they'll just decline, right?

 

They say no; guys think girls that are like that are "easy" and that I will end up "doing all the work". I mean, do you? I guess I never really thought of it that way since I always take initiative for everything. Dating just happens to be yet another thing I'd rather have control over. My friends say they won't decline because they like offers and that you'll never really now if they're really interested in you unless you let them reach out to you.

 

I like the way I am and I don't think I'd change it but do you think that by taking the "initiative" I am basically failing to consider that maybe "they're not that into me" and I'm "pushing it". This is basically what my friends say (girls), but how would you look at this from a guy point of view?

[TakingtheBlame]

I'm not a guy, but I could never figure out how a guy is expected to be interested in me or "into me" if he doesn't know a thing about me. Not every girl is a supermodel or an extrovert who is immediately noticeable in a crowd...so what's wrong with that quiet, average looking girl noticing a guy she likes first and making him aware of her presence?

[blackhawks1287]

My ideal woman...that's all I can say.

 

You being in Chicago doesn't help either...

 

Don't change...you may find a guy that is intimidated...but that is because he is not man enough to know who he is unless he has control over you or the dating game/situation...my opinion.

 

I am like you...I don't mind taking the initiative...but it does in fact get old when it is you that keeps doing it. When you start to feel like they should put in more, and you kinda back off...and then they still don't initiate...you're like...um...

 

Yeah...so don't change IMO

[Tryptophan]

I am a bit of an extrovert so I don't mind talking to people, or approaching them. I guess I am more socially active rather than passive but I guess that's not the "norm" so I'm just afraid it'll come off as something like easiness or something. But it's not, I'm just a doer, always have been but in the long-run, I guess I'm scared it might not work.

[Stay_home]

You'll know someone is genuinely interested in you when they reciprocate; do it in action and not just small talk.

 

Many women do have the thought that it's much easier to just let a guy come forward and do everything. But we can go back and forth all day about who should do what and then who's turn is it to do the next step and then after that... There isn't enough time in the world to decipher all that. So it would make dating a lot easier if everybody put in the same effort.

 

Some guys are just not very good at initating the interaction, doesn't mean that they're not interested or do not "like" you enough. Some are just better if they have something to flow off of. So in a case like that, a woman who is a little more assertive and doesn't mind may notice that and can take the lead. All most guys need sometimes is just a clue and they can do the rest. The problem is, most women (like your friends) are far too stubborn to see that. If you won't approach me and I don't approach you, who's missing out?? We both are. That's why one of us has to be the strong one and take the lead at initating the contact. Let's be adults and just realize that it's not about pride and being weak; so let's set aside our egos so that we can get to the bottom of this and figure out what's what.

[Tryptophan]

My ideal woman...that's all I can say.

 

You being in Chicago doesn't help either...

 

Don't change...you may find a guy that is intimidated...but that is because he is not man enough to know who he is unless he has control over you or the dating game/situation...my opinion.

 

I am like you...I don't mind taking the initiative...but it does in fact get old when it is you that keeps doing it. When you start to feel like they should put in more, and you kinda back off...and then they still don't initiate...you're like...um...

 

Yeah...so don't change IMO

 

EXACTLY. What does that even mean? Does that mean that they have become habituated to you initiating or they just frankly don't give a damn?

 

I guess I just have to find the right guy to be myself with but it's so confusing.

 

EDIT:

 

I have done that just to see if I really was too much of the initiating, and some did initiate but others didn't but when hanging out, they really just seemed just as eager to be with me.

 

It's so damn complicated.

[blackhawks1287]

It doesn't make you come off easy at all really...

 

If anything it may come off too strong i.e. intimidating, possibly needy/clingy...but that is because most guys like I said prefer to have the upper hand in that aspect.

 

What has your past consisted off, why are you just know doubting yourself based on this "girl talk"

 

You are an extrovert, but that is now how I would classify this. This is you being assertive and that is what is intimidating. Some men are turned off, some find it extremely sexy... which I am guilty of and I know some others on here are too (the guy with the gecko avatar...can't remember his name)

 

Don't doubt or get scared...this is one of your strengths and the last thing you want to do is not embrace it...good luck.

 

And in response above...tell them flat out this is how it is or move on...I am the same way and actually fell into that will a recent girl. I am at the point of sending that last and final message before I move on from her, we only dated for about two weeks, but she started to distance...i told her I was backing off...and she remained silent...after amazing dates and having sex...just doesn't make sense...

 

It is all about finding the right guy/woman

[Tryptophan]

That's true. I do like taking the lead just because I hate those dogmatic gender views people have that men should be the ones doing all the work but I'm sometimes afraid that by doing that, I'm not letting him do his thing. But it is a valid point that maybe if you do all the work, then maybe you'll never really know if they're interested, unless you do what I do sometimes and just stop initiating and let them do it—but that's kind of wanting them to act out of the routine, kind of like a trap or something. And besides, I just don't like doing that because I like having the lead, you know? Complicated.

[listed]

From my point of view if I was attracted to you and you initiated things and I was single I'd give you a chance automatically. If I was only a little attracted to you to start you'd stand out more just by the fact you'd expressed interest. There may be some downsides and it might differ from guy to guy but I think most of the time you'd be better off.

[Tryptophan]

True, I've always subconsciously feared coming off as needy/clingy but that's why I tend to limit how much things I initiate (I won't be all up on someone's business if they just choose/appear to be distant). And I definitely won't be calling/texting a guy twice if he doesn't answer/reply. I like to give people their space because I know I like mine too. Sometimes when I'm doubting the space I'm giving, I'll just let them reach out to me. Most end up contacting me but that does bother me for some reason (feels like I'm losing control of the situation).

 

It is true that some guys have told me they find it intimidating but in a good way. I guess the ones that find it intimidating "in a bad way" just won't say anything at all, right?

 

I started to doubt this because of the talk with my friends and because it did remind me of my past relationships and how I ended up making the other person be passive/submissive. I reconsidered a few past relationships and I did end up feeling like I was doing all the work. But then I thought, maybe I never let them do anything. It's the same way I am with every aspect of my life. I just figure, if I want something done right, I have to do it my way but I guess it's worth reconsidering when it comes to relationships since I just went through a breakup (initiated by me as well—not painless regardless).

 

 

 

Yeah I understand that too; it always differs from guy to guy. I know a guy that's more introverted/shy might actually be relieved that someone initiates something with them as opposed to someone who's more like me.

[blackhawks1287]

I have read that you have never been the dumpee.

 

You seem to end it why? Especially with this last break up of your where it may have been painless to break up, or so you say, but it hurt you to know and check up when he was with someone else. You even wrote I miss him under the NC thread.

 

This is where I am going with this, do you sometimes jump the gun in ending things when you FEEL as if they are no longer there? Or contributing? Why is it that they have ended?

 

I am just asking because when you say you never let them do anything, did you give them a chance to? Before you ended things?

 

This girl I was dating, who knows what it is now, became passive...even though I have told her to woman up at times where she initiated the first kiss. I always initiated everything first convo, text, call...she became distant after about two weeks and after having sex, even after she sent me mixed signals. Her mixed signals caused me to be insecure and back off...and I am stuck debating if I should contact her telling her what the deal is or just consider her a flake because she bailed on the dinner during this mess.

 

, if you want to read my current story...

 

What I am trying to convey is that we have to make decisions, and we can't always EXPECT the other person to do things, but giving them time to do it doesn't hurt either. I do plan on voicing my POV to her at some point...maybe when she comes back from her trip at some point if she has yet to contact me and she still flaunts those pictures.

 

The end result is that we can't control other people or manipulate them into acting a different way...i.e. backing off etc hoping that will take charge, and if they don't then never talk to them again. Which is why I plan to contact her at some point when she returns. Contacting her on her trip will be completely selfish I think.

 

If you will, elaborate on why you always seem to be the one to end things? Because you seem to always initiate and you feel as if they become passive/submissive that you feel they have no backbone anymore...and you lost attraction or too flustered to continue?

 

I would like to know...and if you would like not to discuss here, then feel free to PM me and talk about it...

[Batya33]

It sounds like you wouldn't feel comfortable being with a man who preferred to do more or most of the asking out on dates, especially in the beginning of a relationship - so isn't the answer simple? Sure you might limit your dating pool but what's the point of dating someone where you constantly feel uncomfortable with how and when things are planned? It's so important to feel "at home" with someone and if you're not going to because of your preferences then that's your answer. Should you change your mindset? I don't know - it depends on whether you're willing to risk having a dating pool that is more limited - because in my experience even men who don't need to be an all out "hunter" still feel more comfortable doing more of the asking out in the beginning. I was a go-getter in every aspect of my life other than asking out men on dates - I found other ways to actively show interest but knew that most men preferred to do more of the asking out on dates and didn't mind going along with that.

[mouseno4]

Where have you been my whole life? I so badly want a girl just like what you describe. Every girl ive ever met has always just been ''one of the sheep'' following the rules of society, and i hate it.

[blackhawks1287]

Where have you been my whole life? I so badly want a girl just like what you describe. Every girl ive ever met has always just been ''one of the sheep'' following the rules of society, and i hate it.

 

 

HAHAHA I KNEW IT, mouse I talked about you earlier and how we both are guilty for finding this girl's assertiveness highly attractive...LOL

[mouseno4]

HAHAHA I KNEW IT, mouse I talked about you earlier and how we both are guilty for finding this girl's assertiveness highly attractive...LOL

 

LOL!

 

Yeah i LOVE it when girls ask ME out on dates. I would be very happy for a GIRL to propose marriage to her guy. Hell, even control the bedroom!

 

Not saying i would be a pushover or anything. I can hold my ground like the rest of the guys. But I love it when a girl initiates things when she WANTS to. Initiating a kiss, a date, holding hands, marriage, organising events, etc etc.

 

Assertive, initiating girls are VERY attractive to me. Someone who is confident, knows what she wants and has no problem breaking the so called gender rules to get what she wants.

 

 

[Tryptophan]

I do miss my ex but he did become too submissive because I guess I was too dominant. Why did I breakup with him? Because it seemed like he wouldn't take initiative at all even when given the chance to. There is a thing as too submissive, and I guess in a very masochistic way, I like a little resistance from time to time. I was overanalyzing the situation over and over one of these days and I realized that it was actually me that accustomed him to be that way. I was always making the first call, first text, tell him where we would go, and he would just agree. And let me tell you, he was quite complaint, but then that changed and went from being too submissive to showing too much resistance. He completely did a 180 and he started just not being available to me, which for some reason I took as a sign of disrespect. I guess after you're used to feeling like you're the boss, for someone to show a sign of "disobedience", it actually hurts—and it hurt, like a * * * * * . You feel like your world just shattered, you no longer have control. Then when I started not initiating contact anymore, he would initiate it even more and it really just bothered me because like I said before, I like to do things on my time, not other people's. I am just controlling but I also like to see some "maning up" from time to time.

 

Does that make sense? It's difficult to understand if you're not as controlling as I am but I could answer if you ask questions. I have no problem answering.

 

 

 

Yeah I wouldn't mind proposing to a guy but that would totally violate every norm we have been told to follow so I'm somewhat scared to even think about it. A guy proposed to me a while back and I actually felt like he was caging me rather than asking me to marry him and needless to say, it ended. That's why I would feel a whole lot better to propose on my end. And I like a guy that no matter how controlling the woman is, can hold his ground. I like submissiveness but at the same time, I need someone to challenge me just so I can be myself. I guess in my mind, when a guy becomes too submissive, it's like my job there is done. There's nothing new to be dominant of. So boring!